I've had the day off today and I have just rested and relaxed. But I am thinking of going to CA and getting a job there. My mom wouldn't need round the clock care. Leaving Bruce and the dogs here for an appreciable amount of time would be the hardest part. It would be open ended. Going to try to call her and see what's up in her world.

Well, my mom has re-established hot water. Presumably installed by a licensed plumber. I didn't ask if there was additional cost to the $350 arrangement her grandson previously made (and I am not sure he didn't try to install it himself) I have no idea what the water heater cost but I do know she wanted 50 gallon and he insisted on 60 gallon and did not arrange for Home Depot to install it. I don't know if that would have been the fastest, best way to get the job done.
When I look at it, it's not like I am an expert at living. Especially in the areas she really needs help in. I am not known to be practical or handy or good at physical work. She needs skills along those lines. These thoughts and the probability that her grandson would have to leave if I went down there when he does have some skills she could use. I have others and I know my motivations, strengths and weaknesses. If I went down there i would have to quit my little $10 an hour job which does mean that I would be even less "self sufficient" than I am now which is not very. My grooming business would decline. Bruce might need to get a job (he contributes now to our household but it is from a limited fund) I have no idea how long I'd need to be there and if I could persuade her to come back here where I have some idea of how to make a little money. I don't even know if it is best that she move. I mean, that house is huge and it is a mess and her climbing stairs is not a thing that makes my sleep come easily. I have asked her to at least move her bedroom downstairs but she says climbing the stairs is "good for her" I told her exercise might be good but it would be better on a flat surface. So I am still sifting whether what i do is in her best interest. There are a lot of considerations and I can't help but think that what is important to her, most important to her, is autonomy. She may not be doing the best job and it's not even the way she wants it but it is a culmination of her decisions. And I truthfully don't think she's mentally incompetent unless she has been so for years and years. Then again, there's the question, would I do any better by her? Yes, she would eat better. Yes, I could take her wherever she needed to go whenever she needed to go there. Yes, if she let me, I could try to get her house organized, renovated and sold, because to afford renovation would mean she couldn't afford to live there. She's gong to be 80 January 1st. I wish I was financially able to go there AND support myself. I wish she saw my wishes for her as good for her. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing.

ok. she paid for the water heater from Home Depot but it wasn't what she wanted it was what the grandson who lives with her wanted and he had some friend of his install it, incorrectly. I gave her the number for Home Depot to see if they will exchange it for what she wants and install the thing so that it works. I am surprised the water heater is gas because all the kitchen is electric, but from what I can tell there is no gas leaking or anything like that. I gave her three numbers for yard care and there's plenty more if she doesn't like any of those. I  told her if it was me, I'd absolutely clear the front yard and have them put in xeriascaping very very low maintenance. That didn't seem to go over well with her.

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night- I called my mom to wish her Merry Christmas (I am really trying to keep more in touch) and learned, in the hour or so I was on the phone, that she has no hot water. I don't know how long this has been the case. She says she bought a 60 gallon hot water heater and my nephew had it installed but apparently not correctly. She says the pilot light won't stay on. I am wondering how dangerous this is besides the problem of no hot water.
I also learned my youngest nephew is in the hospital, this one apparently not a mental hospital. She has a restraining order against him so I am partly glad he apparently cannot go break into her house. which he does regularly and wondering what is wrong. I was happy to hear he was getting some kind of mental health treatment. I am wondering now if he will be the next family death. My oldest nephew managed to drink himself to death at 28. Asking about what was wrong had to be filtered through my mom. She said something about white blood cells and something like that he could be allergic to people or people could be allergic to him. I feel badly that I have no relationship to the 2 remaining nephews but on the other hand, they are predatory enough that my predominant feeling is relief that this one cannot do anything bad to my mom for now.
Their mother, a person I want nothing to do with for the remainder of forever stopped by my mother's house on Christmas Eve. Apparently as a visit. My mother has a restraining order for her too but it has not been served for lack of an address. She is the bane of my mother's life. Yet, the whole family dynamic is nutsy enough that i can see her at the door, thinking she would somehow be welcome.
My mother asked me if i can find someone to "clean up the front yard" I will certainly look for someone but i think she has an unrealistic idea of what this will entail and what it will cost. It is not a mattter of tidying up or mowing the way I see it.
Mostly I spent the night agonizing about what I should do. Should I try to get power of attorney and force whatt I think is right on her? She would ate that. She's not safe but she is 79 and in poor health and she does not seem to me to bew senile even if she is unrealistic and living with many unnecessary risks. She's going to be 80 in a few days.
I told her I would bring her to Utah, but she doesn't want to come. I told her I would go down and live with her though I hate that house with a loathing that even if it was habitable I don't know how I could stand. But I would stand it. However, just about every terrible reality I ever learned about humans and life I learned in that house. When I was down there to see her last we were sitting on her porch (I won't willingly enter unless she gives me permission to do things to help the situation) and she demonstrated her ability to cause me an astonishing amount of pain seemingly without effort. I was ready to leave when she, out of the blue and for no reason I can think of said something to the effect that she thought my first love was not a serious thing and she went on about it for a little while. It was extremely serious to me and I would think the aftermath of the relationship would have given her a clue that might be so, but from out of nowhere she chooses to bring it up like that as I am leaving.
I do not know what to do. But every new bit of information tells me I should probably do something. Even if neither of us like it much. There is no "safe" but she's in a deathtrap
 

Really dark night of the soul. Got little sleep last night. I'm exhausted and feel hopeless. On Monday I am going to CA to see my mom who needs help. I hope I can help. She's been told her kidneys are shitting down and I don't know what her prognosis exactly is but it sounds like she may finally be ready to get out of her current life situation and I have to help her however i can. But even this short trip is going to be hard. I work for $10 an hour at a job with no benefits and no paid vacation and the expense of just going down to see my mom is a big deal and if she IS ready to make a change she's going to need much more of my time and she's also going to need things I don't have, like strength. I was anticipating talking to my "sister in law" who I do not think of as family in any way anymore and I feel the same about my 2 remaining nephews. I don't want to be embroiled in any big scene but if I see them, and chances are good that I will, I want them to know I feel no sense of connection to them whatsoever and that if I can help it, they are done taking advantage of my mother. I say that yet she owns the house I live in rent free. I can't afford rent. But I know I will take better care of her and make whatever time she has, hopefully some years, the most pleasant and appreciated they can be. But if she agrees to get out of that house extricating her, and whatever she wants to keep is going to be a major job then finding a way to renovate the ho ouse and sell it. I don't have much idea how to proceed except to go there and start doing what I can. I was down there last year and asked her just to consider moving and she began to barf, unable to stop, at the restaurant we we in. My "sister in law" and one nephew regularly break into her house. The other nephew lives with her but can hardly be considered an asset. I was thinking, if I can somehow get through this, make the rest of her life as good as it an be, somehow last for the life of my companion and our pets that i am more than ready to die, just need to figure out a way to do that when these obligations are met.

Almost 1 am. I came home tonight and I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and the feeling got worse. Bruce was being companionable and asked me if I'd like to watch something with him while he ate (it's our bit of consistent time together) I said no because I really just wanted to fall asleep but he knows I like him there so he watched an episode or so of Gotham then dimmed the lights to read beside me. Meanwhile I was feeling worse and worse and began to cough and toss and retch, which of course disturbed him. And not only physical feeling bad., oh no, my mind took the opportunity o play every ancient painful memory. I couldn't stop it, I could only wonder if I somehow desire this or otherwise why I am afflicted by this. It was very bad and I was sad an angry and miserable and a bunch of other stuff. finally, fearing Bruce would just get up which certainly wasn't fair to him I got up and here I sit, in the dark wishing only for peaceful sleep

I am wondering if I am somehow unfair, whether this great and abiding contempt I have for male humans is somehow excusable, if somehow it is just not their fault. But I think our culture has been more directly shaped by men than it has by women and nah, I think men are by and large contemptible. What, you may ask prompts this conclusion? Well there's a list of men in my life who have affected me. And I try and try to squelch my feelings and excuse them on one basis or another (and there haven't been a large number of men deeply in my life, it's just that they have had and used the potential t be so destructive) But the inspiration for this particular rant relates to a longtime and very good friend. She has been in a long term relationship for 16 years. They were "engaged" Now, she, like mostt women I know have had more than one destructive relationship. Her first sexual encounter was a rape. Her first husband cheated on her and the second one more or less sponged off her in every way a person can. There were some minor relationships between him and this latest atrocity. From my pov, she acted more than ethically as far as I can judge. When she met this guy he was married, but separated and divorcing. She declined to date him until he was divorced and could prove it. Their relationship was always odd to me. He had a habit of just leaving to go to Florida without even any notice, literally and giving her some reason or other. The last time he said he was transferred at his job.. Oh no, he wasn't unhappy wit the relationship, oh no, there was no one else. He was living with an old man from his work. He was trying to get transferred "home" He faithfully sent $300 a week for the past 5 absent years. They conducted their relationship long term. She wrote me last night that he has sent $78,000. He recently came "home" for a work thing and he was booked into a hotel. She felt something was wrong and even though they spent a couple of days together (and she was a bootie call) she finally decided to check out his story. Well, she discovered that he married his ex-wife 5 years ago. ow, you'd think they guy would be honest. She gave him multiple opportunities to tell her the truth. She used to be a phone tech who brought home about $100 k a year. But she had the opportunity to retire and he encouraged her to do so and she did. That whole industry has changed and while she has a retirement with benefits it is not enough to keep her in her house alone. And she trusted this man. In my way of seeing he has treated her like a sexual and emotional object, lying and depriving her of her years and her trust and her security (if there is such a thing as security) What is with men that they so objectify women? She could have handled the truth. But no... in my view, men want what they want and they will do what they have to to get it. I do not understand this. I never will.