Really tired and I think I am wound down enough to go to bed. It was a study-ful day. Got up to work on statistics at which I am no good. Dudie had a vet appointment at 9 and my boy is SO smart! I was really impressed by his intuition. Bruce's car was frozen so I started it and left it to warm. (Dude can't get into the Buick, too high for his old hips) I was wondering how I was going to get him out of the house without PJ and Jetty Lee running me a merry, noisy chase. Almost as I was wondering that Dude quietly went out to the back yard. It was like telepathy! Generated by him! I smiled and went out the front door, around to the gate and there that sweet boy was, as if that had been the plan all along. The girls never got upset and we had an easy trip. But this makes me wonder how much animals really do know. I thought that was amazing, and it was in character for Dude too, being as gentlemanly as he is.
 Did not finish statistics homework after I got back from the vet even though I spent a good three hours on it. Then statistics class then physiology where I was unusually smart today. The professor would ask a question and I answered correctly over and over People were peering round at me. I was just enjoying it, wishing that were normal for me. After classes I went to lunch with two friends. Yep. Ate. It was healthy stuff, but I am thinking I should start over on the juice fast. It is so good for me! But hard to do when I am so pushed for time. After lunch I went to the library and studied a couple hours for the psychology test then went to take it. Don't know how I did. I care, but not as much as I care about the physiology results!!!!! The physiology professor had the test proper graded, but I guess he's waiting to add the extra credit where we hand drew and labelled an action potential. He has to go through those by hand, but I WANT MY GRADE!!!!!! I keep looking hopefully at my phone even though it's 11 pm now. He did tell us the class average was 78% on the test proper. I felt confident after I took the test (which I did NOT feel after the anatomy tests- but I did well n the anatomy tests) I am anxious to see if my confidence was warranted. I have to say, before class today it wavered wildly listening to other people talk about how they felt they did.

Time is flying and I feel so behind!!! I just got home from taking my first physiology test. I was lagging in the studying so very worried about how I would do. Knock on wood, I think I did well! I hope that's true. But spending the day on studying for physiology has left me in a very tight position. I have a psychology test I must take tomorrow and I haven't touched my statistics homework which is due by 1 pm tomorrow. The psychology test is going to require some time but I have statistics at 1 and then Physiology lecture until 4 I think. It might be closer to 5 I can't even remember. I just park my butt in a chair and try to absorb attentively until the professor stops talking. And often I wish I had further clarification. So...not going to have a lot of time for studying psychology. Feh!
Today I just had physiology lab since the psych teacher thought we may wish to use class time to take the test. I really dislike my physiology lab instructor and she set that even more firmly today by removing 2 points because I didn't put the information she wanted on the scantron of the quiz we took tonight. Nevertheless, Rebecca and I had fun. we laughed so hard I do believe it annoyed the instructor. I hope it did. We got to work with "Smart Guy" He wants to be a Dr and he's taken all the chemistry the school has to offer. He's smart, well versed in the chemistry, nice, and he's even cute. Anyway, the lab was on EEG's and I volunteered to be the testee. So I had electrodes on my head and we watched my brain waves in various situations. There was a comical spike when I was asked to do a math problem in my head. (Smart Guy teased that I must be smarter than usual because the female controls generally had a series of spikes whereas I had one huge one then it went back to almost normal alpha waves.)
My Creative Nonfiction class was last night and that was interesting. We had turned in 3 pieces of creative nonfiction for commentary by our peers. Sadly, I only had time to read and make some comments very soon before class started and I was astonished by the quality of some of the writers. One young man from Nebraska has my full attention. He writes beautifully! And everyone's submissions were at least good. Two of mine were very rushed and the most developed of the three was still just a draft. After reading the other works it sounded to me more like an informercial than a piece of art. Still the comments were kind all round and I had some personal sharings given back to me with the more literary type comments. It was also the piece that people ACTED on, and that pleased me. (I wrote about my juicing experiment  One classmate was inspired to watch Fat Sick and Nearly Dead and several others are interested in learning about juicing. They were kind about the other two pieces too. I really enjoyed the class. I love getting to know people by their writing.
Wow! It's 11:07! I need to get to bed so i can get up and leap into statistics!! Then classes, psychology cramming, psychology test... Way Way way too harried a pace for me!I wonder how long it will be before I know how I did on the physiology test. I wonder how my study buddies did.

Juicing stuff: I found that I can wiggle out of the jeans I am wearing without unbuttoning or unzipping them. : )
Meant to weigh myself yesterday at the gym but I was so busy trying to get copies of my birth certificate and social security card for my drivers license that I didn't even get back to the school library to print some things I need until about 5pm. I went to the social security office and it was so packed I was nearly late for my psychology class at 1. But at least that only entailed filling out one form and it didn't cost money. The birth certificate issue was a fiasco! Looking at the timeframes they give to supply a birth certificate from Los Angeles had me in a panic. My renewal expires Feb 9th! So in addition to the $23 fee to get a certified copy of my birth certificate I had to pay more for a service that expedites the process and go gt information notarized and faxed. The guy at the bank was really nice. That was the one bright spot. Oh! interesting factoid. I'd had my social security card since I was a child, though it was not whole anymore. I couldn't locate the bit thought I'd seen it recently, so I decided not to waste further time and just get a copy. Did you know you are limited to 10 copies of your social security card in a lifetime? Why would that be so? Anyway, I did not get back to the school library till about 5 and was printing stuff madly (my printer at home does not work) I needed math formulae and copies of my fellow students' essays to read and comment on. I needed a psychological article for a paper due on Monday. I also needed physiology stuff but at 5:30 there was an announcement that the library would be closing at 6!. I was shocked and appalled. The college (approved for university status just yesterday, retaining the odious to me name of Dixie) closes their library at 6 pm on a Friday? That seems scholastically stupid to me. And I thought if the library was closing the fitness center would too. I rethought that and should have tried to go because the priorities of this college are skewed. The fitness center was probably open and I could have used the exercise. I did also want to weigh. I only intend to weigh once a week. The first loss was 15 pounds. I am curious to see what has happened in the past week. Though I am not judging this nutritional experiment on weight loss primarily. I am judging it on perception of health and so far it has been so wildly successful I would stick with it if I didn't lose a pound. I still cannot believe how much better I feel and so quickly! Last night Bruce and I were talking about it. he said, "I've known you for over ten years and in all that time you've always thrown up." True. And longer than that. And as he said it was getting only worse. I cannot believe I have not thrown up in two full weeks now! And overall my mood and energy levels have been much improved. As have my knees. The really bad one is not fully restored but it is much better. So, firmly in favor of juicing. Learning a little about nutrition as I go along too. And, after the 60 days is up I want to save enough money to sponsor someone who wants to try this experiment for themselves through it. The friend who was the last small catalyst that poked me from inaction to action has had to stop fully juicing because it is too expensive for her right now. And because she feels she needs a committed space to implement it. In Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead  Joe Cross set Phil Staples up in a lovely quiet cottage with a juicer for a time to allow him to adapt. It is a BIG change and it is not always convenient to juice. The friend I got the juicer for is having a similar problem. And apparently most people have a farr harder time getting into it than I have. Physical problems in the initial period include migraine headaches, diarrhea, feeling just bad.... Hard to keep up with your life if you are feeling like that. And most people apparently have more food cravings than I have. I count myself very lucky not to have encountered these problems. For me it was a good, natural, immediately beneficial process. My mom got her juicer yesterday and is going to try it today. I am very curious to see what she thinks. She isn't planning to do a juice FAST, she just wants a way to incorporate the nutrition of fruits and vegetables into her diet. You can get a LOT of nutrition from juicing.I am so looking forward to the day when  feel I am ready to join a yoga class. And then, take riding lessons. Another area I'd like to focus on is writing. I am very disappointed at my writing and I miss the poetic flow of words I used to think in. I watched a movie last night called Miss Navajo, I'm not a proponent of beauty pageants, but I sure enjoyed this movie. And the poetry woven with the action and intention of this movie were inspiring to me. I would like to free the voice in me. I feel it there but I can;t reach it. For now though I need to study for and take the statistics test and write the psychology paper. then see what else I can accomplish today.

I have so much homework, but I am just exhausted. Physiology is kicking my butt! The lab is so hard an confusing! We had a quiz today and I was so happy I got 80%! The again, I'm not. And I cant afford 80%!!!!! Well, not meaning to really vent here.
Juice fast going well. I'm 1/5 the way to my goal! Wanted to go to the gym today but there wasn't time and I don't know if I can squeeze a little in tomorrow.

In my creative nonfiction writing class we were assigned to write a memory of childhood or teen years on a post-it note. Ten of these. Just a little exercise. These are mine.

1. Apple Valley
Undulating heat shimmering up from the asphalt of The Roy Rogers Museum where we’d just seen taxidermied Trigger and heard the old cowboy croon on crackly vinyl. Mom was looking choice-tan, young and sassy in a sleeveless turquoise dress with inch wide white polka dots she’d made. It embraced her slender torso intimately then billowed out to a full skirt. Her image, parody of Marilyn Monroe, as a six inch lizard came out of nowhere and ran up her bare leg into the shade of that skirt is seared into my brain by desert heat and lacquered with laughter.
2. Pool I
We’d been a winter week at the cabin in Crestline. My brother David fell asleep on the long ride home from the mountains. When we arrived home my father uncharacteristically carried him tenderly from the car. Why were we in the backyard? I can’t remember. Seeing the water sparkling in the pool my father followed some wild impulse and tossed David high. He burst out of the water screaming and crying. The pool wasn’t heated in our absence. The water was very cold. My first memory of thinking “Asshole!”
3. Pool II
Usual summer day. BBQ smoke scenting the air and a passel of kids playing in the pool. I can remember the rough texture of the springboard beneath my feet. We were playing Follow the Leader and I, attempting glory, made some wrong move and went off the side, smashing my head on the pool deck. Before I even knew what had happened I felt my father’s arms around me lifting my chest out of the water. “Are you ok?” I thought I was, despite the blood dripping red into the water.
4. Bell Jar
Mr. Pence was lecturing as he inflated a balloon in a bell jar. He didn’t seem to be paying attention whereas I felt the stretch of rubber as the balloon strained past what I thought was its point of popping. Rocking a little, scrunching and squinting to brace for the bang I hoped I didn’t scream. To my dismay Mr. Pence noticed this, his eyes glinting victory and amusement. He announced, continuing to pump, “There is no sound in a vacuum.”
5. Dance
I posed on the periphery of Natalie’s dance class, in the stance she had assigned me: one arm parallel to my undeveloped bosom, the other bent up at the elbow, maracas in each hand and legs arranged to spring into action at a certain measure of the music. When the samba filled the room I did not wait for the counted beats, but began to sway. Natalie stopped the class. Her eyes assessed me with artistic criticism and she changed the dance to have us each swaying as the music started. I wondered if I had been beautiful in dance for a moment.
6. Small Miracle
Sliding into the driver’s seat of my Datsun B210 after a trip to the store with my brother I heard him yell, “Stop!” I had a habit of pulling out of the space then letting him into the car. He bent behind the car a moment then bounced into the seat beside me holding out his hand. It contained a tiny, jeweled hummingbird, barely moving. He said it was wedged tightly against the tire, if I had moved an inch…We took it home, made sugar water and were delighted when it licked the mix off our palms with its long, tubular, transparent tongue. We shared delight and a sense of divine when it flew away.
7. Gift
I slipped a fingernail into the corner of the envelope and opened the letter. Jim! He was studying in Bellingham for the summer. I smiled and tilted the envelope to pull out the precious letter. As I did, what looked like metal filings spilled out. I couldn’t imagine what they were, until I read the letter that said he was coming home. And I realized it was his goatee (which I hated). Creative and considerate in this gift, I felt he had really missed me.
8. Mirror Ball
It still hangs in what was my teenaged bedroom. The disco ball I made, sticking the pre-adhesived squares of mirror onto a styrofoam ball. Someone, probably my mom, mounted the motor on my ceiling and I was set! Raiding the utility drawer for flashlights and the Christmas wrapping paper for tubes I positioned several lights around the room. I’d turn off the lights, close the shutters and stack Yes and Genesis , Pink Floyd, Bread and Cream on my turntable and listen to music for hours in my own swirling galaxy of stars.
9. Tuna Sandwich
I didn’t feel I asked for much, though perhaps I did, but ONCE I asked you to make me a tuna sandwich and you resisted. I pressed and you sullenly slumped off to the kitchen. “Remember I like relish in it,” I called. You delivered an undrained, soupy sandwich with nearly as much relish as tuna. Resentment in the relish. Weird thing that I remember now and then, sadly.
10. Breaking In
At eighteen I hired on with AT&T. I expected it to be a summer job. Nervous and wearing a dress and nylons I reported for training. My supervisor introduced himself to the class, ran through a litany of expectations and then led us out for a tour of the office. The doors were marked, “In” and “Out.” Not meaning to be a rebel I went out through the “In” door. My supervisor, noting this, ordered me to go out, using the proper door and re-enter. It is one of my great regrets that I did not quit then and there.

I feel happy almost to the verge of tears. And grateful. And surprised. The sun today is luminous and crisp and I feel connected to the glow. This juice fast may be the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I have been overweight my whole life. And I used to fight that with all kinds of diets and strange things. I did Schick shock aversion.I hate electrical shock! It didn't work. I tried being injected with the urine of pregnant women. (no idea what that was actually supposed to do, but EW!!) Both of those examples were long long ago. But all kinds of crazy diets and some I thought were sane but weren't, the worst was a dr supervised 500 calorie a day fast. It involved shots, blood tests, appetite suppressants and the dr wanted to put me on Paxil but I wouldn't do that. I lost 87 pounds. And it was something I had to thad ink about every moment of every day. It was hellish. But I adapted. Then came the day when the result of a blood test told the dr i had to start eating more food. Well, I did. There was no strict regime here, some recommendations. But what happened was that I reverted to old bad habits. I hadn't actually earned anything, except how to impose my will over my body in a strict and very temporary circumstance. I gained more weight back than I lost and worse, that diet had terrible effects on my digestion. That was the beginning of the barfing. And I had no energy. And I decided that I was never going to "diet" again.
With my body being large it is hard to do certain ordinary things. And while I am used to the judgement that goes with physical nonconformity to our culture's ideal of what people should look like it still wears and limits me. My own self disappointment is also very limiting. I injured my right knee and it hasn't healed and the compensation was affecting my left knee. My soul might want to dance or simply wish I could clean the floorboards but in fact i was getting less and less mobile. It was a bad prognosis.
Also, learning about the way food is being manipulated today made me angry and feel helpless. GMO's and the refusal to label them. Corporations deliberately creating addictive foods and labeling them falsely for a profit.  CAFOs. It feels like a net closing in and I truly think  this is something our society needs to address soon. I cannot tell you how evil I feel Monsanto is. The FDA? I do not think it has the good of the people in mind at all.
When I stumbled upon Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix and felt like that so much I decided to watch it I was immediately attracted to the ideas. I also could tell Joe Cross was adept at marketing s a strang o I was wary. But closely observing him and the other people depicted in the film gave me the first hope I had had in years, food-wise  Obviously I was no expert on eating well and I figured i would just be increasingly unhealthy till I died. Young. Like many in my family. My dad died of a heart attack at 59. My brother died of alcoholism  at 40. His oldest son followed him at 28. There is a history of depression, suicide and substance abuse in my family. Could I somehow change the path I was on? I wanted to try juicing, but the juicers were expensive and so was all the food! I couldn't afford to try.
It took me a couple of years to buy the juicer and decide that the cost of the food would be worth it if somehow, this worked for me. I decided to do a 60 day juice fast because that is what felt necessary to me. I couldn't afford the medical testing it would be good to have to go along with this so i was just going to have to monitor my own feelings and judge on the basis of those. Bruce was pretty worried for me. It sounded extreme to him and he was worried about effects on my health. But...could anything really be worse than how i was going? I think not.
Still I was expecting a miserable 60 days. I was afraid I wouldn't even be able to do this fast because eating salad made me throw up. So, it looked a bit iffy. And i can't say I have ever been a big fruit or vegetable eater. If I did eat them, they were almost always jazzed up. I am also a wimp. If I didn't see real benefits to this I knew i wouldn't last. It could be for as simple a reason as not being able to combat the food cravings. I had decided long ago I don't want to spend all my time thinking about a diet. That's no life. So, I was a balance of cautious optimism and aware of my bad history in this realm. But I embarked.
My first surprise was that the juices did not taste as bad as I anticipated. Over these few days I have become a little more skilled at making them too and I find to my very great surprise that i am actually liking them! I even like them at the temperature they come out of the blender. Fresh juice is good! I have had very few food cravings on this way of eating. That also just flabbergasts me. I knew within days that my body appreciated this nutrition. I've only lost 15 pounds (as of my first comparative weigh in) but i FEEL so much better. Centered and glowing. The fact that i have not vomited once since doing this would make a strong case for continuation. So would the fact that my knees feel better. And, while I am having frequent bouts of gratitude and so thinking of this change in THAT way i am not spending all my time thinking about food. I can hardly believe this! It's also very cool to be trying so many new foods and in such combinations and being surprised at how they taste. Learning their effects upon the body and upon my particular body is also -fun!
I would say this is a success! Wish I would have found it sooner!

Just before I was to leave to go to the gym my mom called. She is very interested in trying juicing. I've been telling her about my experience and how it has not been like I thought it would be. I think juicing would be good for her. I suggested she just incorporate a glass into her normal diet. She doesn't need to lose weight and I don;t know what she would really detox. She doesn't have a lot of bad habits food wise as far as I know. I explained to her the difference between a juicer and a blender. She's impressed by the fact that I don't have to peel pineapple to juice it : ) I told her that for some meals I am using both a juicer and a blender (another aberration for the true juice fast) I will blend things like berries and bananas and add juiced veggies or fruits like pineapple, pomegranates, apples, oranges, lemons etc. I am looking forward to a drink with avocado and told her avocado is a prime example of something you wouldn't want to juice. Since she doesn't have internet or Netflix it turned out that I sent her both a Breville (just like mine) and an informational packet that I'd like for ME but didn't get. It has a copy of Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, a recipe book and an informational booklet. I am happy she is so excited to try this and I really hope she likes it.
Then I went to the gym. It was only $30 for the semester (at the college). after paying I found the scale. I have been curious. Today is my 8th day and I have lost 15 pounds! Pretty painlessly! Now I am sure a lot of that is water and I am sure those numbers won;t continue to be so high for long. They just are now because I have so much extra fat. But that was a nice feeling. What wasn't was attempting to exercise. Wow I am out of shape and I am attempting such drastic changes I need to go really slowly with the exercise. need to DO it, but to start slow and be consistent. As it was I ended up in the bathroom twice and I was pretty much seeing visions and feeling all sorts of strange sensations. It was so intense that I ended up sitting in my car and fell asleep in there! When I woke after what felt like a long time I felt that I was not even in the same WORLD. Very surreal feelings and I still feel a bit odd. Sort of detached. This is turning out to be quite and interesting experience indeed!

Drinking breakfast, juice of half a pineapple 2 grapefruits and a generous knob of ginger. 422 calories (so cool to be able to see that- and My Fitness breaks down the nutrients too). I wanted to try an avocado smoothie this morning but my avocados are not yet ripe.
 I didn't get any (ANY!!!!) studying done yesterday, so that's on my agenda. Also going to see if my friend wants to go to the school gym with me. I've never been there. Not sure how much it costs but I need to get working on the exercise. Lifestyle change means lifestyle CHANGE. I cannot just sit here and twiddle my thumbs. I'm sure there's also a scale there and at the beginning of my 8th day, I will admit I am curious. I was going to weigh about every 2 weeks but I am probably too curious to wait quite that long.

Technically I broke my juice fast yesterday when, after class and going to the store I ate less than 10 raw walnut halves. that's the kind of snack I plan on AFTER the fast. I am continuing to count days and hopefully will not have any more or many more breaks and if I do, they will be of this nature. My friend Debbie introduced me to an app called My Fitness. I haven't really explored it yet, but it seems VERY cool. I was able to find out my smoothie this morning of an orange, a banana, some strawberries, raspberries and blackberries, some ginger and a peach was 416 calories. Yesterday I learned in physiology that if you eat a lemon it alkalinizes your body a bit when I thought being a fruit juice it might acidify.I want to be as alkaline as I can be and still eat fruit! reminds me. I only have one lemon left and i may be out of spinach. I feel like I am drinking more spinach than Popeye. And speaking of physiology  need to study that today. A lot. Other homework also. I am liking the assignment in my creative nonfiction writing class. We are heading a post it note with a word drawn from a memory or object from our childhood or teen years. then we write about it on one side of the post it note. Repeat 9 times and post the collection somewhere, take a picture, include this picture with a typed rendition of you post its and turn it in. I am thinking of trying to find a hitching post to post mine on or, I could use the post office. Apparently a previous student posted hers on her dog.

Day 6 of my juice fast! By the end of today I will be 1/6 of the way to my first goal. 60 day juice fast. For me it's been much better than I thought it would be! I haven't thrown up one time in the whole time I've been on this new way of seeing nutrition. I haven't had sugar cravings. (Still sometimes want a grilled tuna and cheese or a bowl of chicken soup, but I am RELIEVED than I am not craving food all the time. In fact, I seldom think of food. That amazes me. I have been so impressed I asked a friend who has been feeling ill and headachy and who is under enormous stress which is causing depression to watch Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. She did and she cried. Even her kids were impressed by the movie. I asked her if she would like to try juicing (didn;t think she'd want to do a juice FAST, but thought she would like it) and she does want to try. She wants to do the fast. I ordered a Breville multispeed juicer for her. Twin to mine. Yesterday we were studying and she said her sister and another person have lost a lot of weight recently. She asked her mom what they were doing. Her mom told her they'd seen Fat Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix and had started a juice fast. It made both of them really sick (the detox) so they drew back and are doing juice with the kinds of meals portrayed on the website. It's time for me to take my dogs to the vet, but I hope you have such a good day!

Good morning! How are you feeling today? I smile as I ask because I feel... perky! I feel light on my feet (comparatively) and happy! I feel SURPRISED! This is the beginning of only day FOUR of my juice fast and I, who have been so unsuccessful at dieting in the past that I promised myself I would never do it again am feeling such positive changes!!! But I am not thinking of this as a "diet" I am not counting calories. I am thinking of this as an attempt to implement a lifestyle change. And it seems to be working. Bruce is really happy that I am not grumpy. We both thought I would be. But instead he is laughing at me because to him, I seem so goofily happy he equates it with being stoned. It's very weird. Ok, not gonna lie, the juice part, while not as bad as I feared it might be taste wise is not the most palatable fare you can imagine. But, I am drinking a very wide variety of fruits and vegetables and in three days I have not barfed once! I'm sorry if that grosses you out but for a long time that's been happening DAILY to me, sometimes multiple times a day. And for three days, even after the orange peel, it has not. I am also thrashing less in my sleep and Bruce says that I am snoring less. Today I feel so clear and peppy I am laughing at myself. Really glad I tried this! Thank you Joe Cross!

I have undertaken a new adventure! And that's how I am trying to see it, One day, longer ago than I would have liked it to be I was browsing around in Netflix and saw a movie title that resonated with me. Sadly, but it did. the movie was called Fat Sick and Nearly dead. It's a documentary by an Aussie guy, Joe Cross, that chronicles his 60 day juice fast and his travels in the US while he does this. I loved this movie. I decided I would like to try a juice fast. But... I couldn't afford to! I wanted a high quality juicer, one that was not liable to break down The brand in the movie is Breville and it is well rated. There are a lot of juicers out there and many are not very high quality. Plus, as Joe documented in the movie at that time the FOOD for a juice fast cost a bit less than $15 a DAY if you bought it at a conventional grocery store (Phil, a person who tried this with really astounding results started at Walmart) and about $25 a day if you wet organic. That's a lot of money, and right now I am an unemployed student being supported by my also unemployed boyfriend and that is off a VERY finite amount of money. I despaired! But I have been feeling INDUBITABLY fat, sick and nearly dead of late. School is a lot of stress and i have developed or increased health issues which did not make for a happy future. On a recent day out in Zion I looked like this. Um, sheesh up there, and wow that is poorly pixillated. I apparently don't know how to do pics here anymore. Perhaps I will learn. Anyway, there is WAY too much of a physical me and she is not feeling very well of late. School loans. And the mention of a high school friend on Facebook that she was in day 4 of her juice fast when her juicer broke was my straw.I ordered a Breville multi speed juicer and went to the store for fruits and veggies. I got so many fruits and veggies that it was hard to stuff them all in the fridge, but the amount of food used for one juice is flabbergasting! I really need to learn about pictures here, because I'd like to show you!

Yesterday was my first juicing day. I had 2 glasses of juice and while I felt food cravings I wasn't hungry. The juice I made first consisted of an apple, a lemon (peel on) ginger, kale, celery, spinach.  I think that was all. It  didn't taste as bad as I feared it might but I can't say I look forward to it yet. The second one was small. Strawberries and blueberries and red Swiss chard. I am about to make my third. there are things to know about juicing and I don;t know them yet. But I have leapt in with both feet and i will learn. Right now as long as vegetables outweigh fruit I am calling it good. But certain combinations are better for you than others.

So far, besides feeling really tired (but oddly at the same time energized) I haven't had any adverse reactions. The detoxifying period can be bad I've heard. Glad that so far it has not been for me but this is early on. I am   hoping to reset my palate, to make changes permanently toward a vegetable and fruit based diet. To incorporate exercise so that I can do some of the things i would like to. Like ride horses and do yoga and swim. It's all a big experiment for now. Most people wouldn't do a 60 day juice fast. But I am going to try then I will need to do smaller fasts periodically. I think it will be well worth it.

I still write your name in honey
on my peanut butter toast
And I still hear
"in Your Eyes"
when I think of you
But also,
"I'll never look into your eyes, again, my friend"
Because, what could be there?
There might be nothing
That would be too sad.
But what I think is that I would quicken
As I always have
And you would not.
Against that, I have given myself strict instructions-
If there is a reset.
If we live other lives
That if you and I should ever meet again
That I remember just enough to
Run like Hell
I'll chance fresh pain
Against the known depth of you

New Years Day. My mom's birthday. I called her this morning but she was going out to breakfast with a friend (who has been one of those wonderful faithful lifetime friends and I so appreciate that!) My mom never got the pumpkin bread I sent her for Christmas. It was a puny gift, but it was what I could do and it makes me sad she didn't get it because I think I make good pumpkin bread. And homemade things are good.

 I don't typically see the new year as a clean fresh slate. I think we just keep writing but I do see the demarcation of time as a good time to pause and consider WHAT I am writing.

What's on my mind today is something that sort of culminated yesterday. I have been a lazy critter on this school break. I have LOVED the time off and I have been so tired it feels like a chance to recharge, though it seems I am not exactly brimming with vim and vigor. School starts next Monday and I am a little in dread of the energy it is going to take. But yesterday I was listening to music and poking around on facebook and loving my dogs. I wasn't "reading" because the book I am listening to via Audible.com right now is Bloodlands and if you are aiming to be depressed and think poorly of your species, why I'd highly recommend it! It's a good thing to know history, and to be aware of human trends, but I am already disenchanted with my kind, I can only take that book in small doses.

I love facebook. I love seeing people from different parts of my life and feeling I am sort of keeping in touch. That said, I am not really close to most of the people on my facebook page. I like them and am interested in them but come and go as ye please, most of you. I noticed a post yesterday that made me feel, what can I say? Alarmed? Like it was a cry from a precipice. It was from a friend I had my CNA class with the first semester of school. We haven't had any subsequent classes together (though we almost had math last semester, she was in the class, but tested out and how she did THAT I am wildly curious to know, because she looked as confused and dismayed as I was in there. Her niece WAS in the class with me. Once she made me "haystacks" and once she made a beautiful color coded page of notes about logarithms which, sad to say, mattered not at all in my comprehension. But I really liked her niece just as I really like Merri. (I have a twinge of guilt there because that's her real first name. But she is SUCH a perfect "Merri" it's not really changeable.) The woman looks like an angel. She's not only physically pretty. she has a glow of spirit that makes her unforgettably beautiful. And she's funny too!  She, shaking down a thermometer which i was too wimpy to do properly shook it so hard it BROKE and splatter whatever it is that fills glass thermometers nowadays all over my purse. We dissolved in laughter. Once she his the male part of one of our medical mannikins in my purse (I am noticing a purse theme here : ) ) When I finally came across it, I knew just who to thank and told her I appreciated the portability of her gift. WE dissolved in laughter. And she did voices when our instructor left, all kinds of weird funny accents reading that dry material. I think I liked Sexy Voice the best, though Blue Blooded English Matron  was up there. She tried to get us too do accents too. Some of us did!. Once the girl actually sang spontaneously and operatically for us! In a humorous vein, but she can really sing. You can't help but like Merri, and getting to know her only deepens it. I learned a chunk of unexpected stuff once when she, another friend and I went to lunch at Camille's. You'd THINK, meeting Merri, that she lived a charmed life, but you'd be in error. Or at least i was. She has at least 5 kids. The last was an infant, they adopted him from an abusive situation. She currently works as a paramedic, and she has been accepted into the paramedic program at school. I think she wants to be a PA. Her dad has a degenerative condition that is affecting his mind and she LOVES her dad. Her husband has cancer! They are in the process of losing their house. That makes me just sick. Last semester she was posting about running marathons and you can always find a happy campy picture of Merri online. She just gives me a little glow of happiness for pluck and positive attitude. I knew she'd been sick. The whole family has been. And they have been trying to cope with moving. They had a very gloomy Christmas. When I saw a post saying she felt like she was in hell, though she was still trying to be funny and positive my heart just broke. She said they were out of food and I could just picture them, all sick on NY eve with nothing to eat. I messaged her and asked if i could at least bring some food over. It took her forever to give me her address. But I could hear she needed help. I HATE needing help. Usually I'd rather have whatever disaster will come instead of accepting it. I don;t know why I am like that. It's not a GOOD way to be. But I am. She did tell me her address though. And I went and got some food. I got enough that i am worried i may be overdrawn. And it was an unauthorized loan from Bruce which he is not too happy about even though i will pay him back when school money comes in. If I had had access to more money I would have bought more. I drove to where she lives, a goodly distance. It was freezing out there! I unloaded the bags on her front porch and on the last deposit I knocked and tried to make it to the car before she could answer. I didn't. She looked sick and sad and like a person whose light was just about to go out. She offered to give me money. No way could I have taken it. If I had money I would have it with her. When I got home she'd left me a note.She said when she'd seen what i did she went in her house and cried. She thought no way would i know how much they needed that (little bit of food) I did know though. And I know she needs more than what i can do. She said she knew I wasn't of the same religion as she and her family are (but I used to be actually) She thought it was Christlike. I don;t think God needs to come into it at ALL. If there is a God, God has left us here to do what we think is best. It doesn't take God to care about other people. I would have done the same thing for people I like a lot less than I like Merri! Though I did find myself hoping she would get the help she needs. In all the spectrum of her life. And that she knows she is worth it. I told her, before i left, that she is a Light. And she is. She looked at me like she didn;t believe it at all. I read some of the other comments on her post. The "I wish I could helps" I hope other people find ways they actually can help and I hope I become more sensitive to ways I can help. Bruce says he knows I just did what my heart said was right. He doesn;t like the sneakiness. I know he would have done the same thing.