Last night was not a good one for me, and I am exhausted now and have to be at work at 8. I work for a company that shuttles people mostly between Las Vegas and St George and as you may or may not know, a good section of I-15 was washed out in a recent monsoonal rain. I know that some shuttles were cancelled and i know that there's now a work around, but what the time frames are on the work around I do not know. Then, I got a text from a co-worker saying one of the drivers quit yesterday and that I should keep the door locked. OMG...I can just imagine the circumstances. And,  being me, I DID imagine the circumstances (at least as I think they are) And then I imagined what might have been going through Ben's mind as he donned a bullet proof vest and a blonde wig and went and robbed a bank and took those hostages and shot at police cars and was finally gunned down. I wondered how long it took him to die and how many times he was hit and if those were head shots and I imagined his body cooling and stiffening as the people who genuinely love him learned all this terrible stuff. I imagined his sons, especially Hunter.

I didn't have to imagine my friend Rebecca, her pain over this screams out. Sometimes I feel something akin to bereft being as swaddled as I am, I experience emotions but not as raw and immediately as she does. I cannot tell you when the last time I cried like Rebecca did for Ben or as she has for other reasons was. i know i have but I shut that down. That's my damage. Rebecca also told me a young relative committed suicide last Tuesday. I really don't know how, being as deeply affected as she is, I don't know how she gets up and faces each day. And has such a cheerful nature. When I think of her life i am pretty sure I would not survive it. I am grateful, mostly for her but also in general that I haven't seen a lot of really nasty, judgmental and hateful feedback about Ben. It is hard to believe what he did, but overall people commenting on threads i have read have remembered he was a human. That does not discount the terror he probably engendered in those hostages or anything that he did, but it does remember that this was a person who had a lot of love in and for him.

After that, I slipped for a time into my own private cycle of insanity, but I was grateful that that mostly affects only me (unless by mood I lash out at others) And that cycle does not seek harm to anyone and it HAS taught me deeply the wrongness and futility of trying to control anyone but myself.

In short, I am tired and not looking forward to the day.

Could I Be An Entrepreneur?

I have really been agonizing over going back into the workforce. There is a need for me to to bring in income. It is as stark and as real as anything is, but I have had an overwhelming and nearly incapacitating resistance to working for anyone or being subject to anyone's (mis)management ever again. My last employment was horrifically scarring to me. So, I've been almost in panic mode, wondering if I can make myself suitable to provide good service to someone and be treated reasonably well while making enough money to live on. It seems to be a simple enough proposition, but it hasn't worked out so simply.

Bruce, as I have said before, is being enormously patient. And I appreciate that so much. I think he understands the problems I am going through. He is encouraging me to feel better, to get happier and to do some things around the house. I've even been dragging my heels on that. I think the feeling is akin to, "Well, if I can put myself together enough to get household tasks accomplished then I should be good to go for getting a job. But I'm not, so Wahhhhhh I'm broken and I'm just going to drift in that for awhile." But this is truly an unproductive and self defeating thought. So I am also spending much time being disgusted with myself. 

Today my friend Marilyn texted and asked if I would like to go out on a couple of fun excursions. Marilyn and Debbie have been like the voice of Bambi's father ("Get UP Bambi") and I try to get out with them as much as I can. So I said yes. I even put on make up! Marilyn wanted to see a little business I've also noticed that was created from a renovated house on the main drag of Santa Clara. It's a brick bungalow (I love bungalows) and it is extremely tastefully done. It is so neat and well kept looking and the landscaping includes a lot of rock of different shades and textures. I was impressed with the feel of the place. The offerings are ornamental, and very nice. I was wishing I had some income to dispose of while I was wandering around. The place is called The Garden Sprout. The owner came to ask us if we needed any help. He was attentive but not pushy, and I sincerely complimented him on the spacious, peaceful feeling of the place. You could tell the degree of care he has put into his business. I was thinking, it would be nice to have that level of quality in something I could do.

We went to another business. It had some nice offerings but the quality of spirit was not nearly as serenely detailed. We went on to Best Buys (where I didn't even dare look around much) and then Jimmy John's for lunch. I love their sandwiches.

On the way home I had an idea I have toyed with previously. I thought I might look into starting an errand running business. I have a car. I have a cell phone. I have time. There are many elderly people in town who may like having errands run for them. Some may be unable to drive but have a need to go out. There's a business in town that I have LONG wished I had thought up. It is called Mobile Waiter http://www.mblwaiter.com/. I've watched this business and used this business (quite happily) and it is adding features that I like a lot. It reminded me that being innovative and looking for the niches where I might be able to successfully fit in will be a challenge.

 Marilyn suggested a good service, which would be to be a companion to people who are in assisted living facilities. She suggested that it would be good to offer to just spend time with people who don't have family in town and might enjoy being read to, or playing a game or just chatting awhile. She also suggested simple massage, like hand massage, which would give them physical touch. I like that idea.

So right now I am beginning to investigate what I might do in this area. I'm looking at websites, starting with this one http://www.homebusinesscenter.com/how_to_start/tasks.html and trying to organize my thoughts about how to proceed. I would really like this to work!