Yesterday I bought what looked like a nice piece of wild caught salmon which I intended to be my dinner while Bruce had chicken and dumplings. In actuality neither of us had dinner, I wasn't hungry and Bruce ate ice cream, very unusual for him. So I marinated and baked the salmon and what turned out to be a deceptively large baked potato today. I think my marinade was pretty good, I used coconut oil, salt, pepper, garlic salt, ginger, lemon juice and minced green onions, but the salmon itself was unpleasantly fishy so the dogs got most of it and a fair portion of that huge and utterly delicious baked potato. They were very pleased. Despite not eating that much I feel very full and sleepy now. I'd like to be full of energy!

Bruce does like Game of Thrones. Interesting to hear the characters he likes, some of them are also characters I like but he seems to have no real love for my favorite, Tyrion Lannister, (at least from what I've read) He calls him the Horny Dwarf. Alas!

Spent a lot of time thinking yesterday. Much was about my conversation with my mom, wherein we covered both old and new territory. I really don't know much about my parents as people. More about my dad than my mom and it is all pretty carefully filtered. I was trying to give my mom something of a picture of Bruce because if I could talk her into moving up here I would though I am sure it would be pretty uncomfortable in many ways and as she said, Bruce WOULD be terrified if she did. However, I'd prefer that, and I have an intuition that he would too over her staying put at this point of her life. If not the close family rosy picture that I am sure she somehow envisioned I would at least like her to have some peace and be taken care of a bit before she dies. And she has always been pretty healthy, she could have many years ahead of her but she shouldn't be driving an she tells me Corey (2nd nephew, who she says tries to be good to her) tends to eat anything healthy she has. She told me she's been drinking Ensure. I think of that stuff as poison.

Anyway, I was in the process of telling her the Inez/ alligator story when she broke in and said she had once ridden an alligator, named Jimmy. I am guessing it was probably at the old alligator farm that used to be near Knott's Berry Farm, but maybe not. I would have asked more except she segued into  information I hadn't known. I knew she'd been born in Provo, the second child, she has an older sister and 9 years later a brother. I knew they had moved to St George where my grandfather had much to do with building the old airport. I think they moved to California, Inglewood, when my mother was five. I know when they did move my grandfather took a cow and his pet coyote. But I hadn't known that "they" (the girls? the whole family?) had half the basement for naps, because it was cooler. The other half she told me was filled with my grandfather's snakes and spiders and other exotic fauna. I had known he had a bear (who used to drink a gallon of beer at a time) an a lion (which eventually was shot, stuffed and added as a mascot to the St George Lion's Club) But I hadn't known he had bought them from a circus. She told me she took a black widow and I think a trap door spider to school for show and tell in 4th grade. I learned where a necklace I always remembered my grandmother wearing came from. It was hotly contended for after her death, though it  was only enamel and if the family knows its genesis I am a little surprised that so many wanted it. I felt it should go to the young relative who was living with my grandma when she died, who found her body. It was the only thing she asked for and she really loved my grandma. But she didn't get it. Later, this girl (I really liked her) committed suicide.

My mom and I also talked some about my dad, and my parents' relationship. She surprised me by telling me she had not meant to marry my dad (this surprised me because she was slavishly devoted to him) I would have asked more questions but my family history is very volatile grounds and it was Mother's Day and I wasn't looking to stir the pot though several times I did. She was unhappy that my father would play tennis (and oh so much more) with other women but not with her. I probably should not have said it, but I did say she was not known for having fun. I also told her she could be very hard to get along with and why I think so. It was a rare occasion that either of us was so open with the other. We also talked about her attitude towards men. People and relationships are complicated and you never know what gets people into them or what keeps them there when it seems like a terrible idea to stay. I can say that about the first vow I ever made was not to be like my mother. Last night I was thinking of my own relationship history. That first one was a doozy for me. I have never and don;t expect i ever will recover from it though I did everything I could think of to. I know it is because of how I am intrinsically and how different it was from how he was. Looking back, I would not have fought one iota more than I did to retain the relationship because he didn't love me, hell he apparently didn't even know me so there was no possibility to make anything good of it, but I do wonder what it might have been like if we had not crossed my criterion for commitment. I do feel deceived there, but people lie when it is to their advantage to do so or when they think a matter is not important.while I should not have entered into subsequent relationships after that one, the second was a total surprise to me, but much as I wanted to i couldn't keep that either. My current relationship, though I love, respect and trust him and think we will be together till one of us dies it is limited. Probably mostly my fault and I feel badly about that all the time. Every once in awhile we try to talk about it but things I just can't seem to explain and I would not want to hurt him for the world. So, basically we each choose to settle for what the other can give and wish it were more.

Today is his birthday and I am going to get him some chicken and dumplings which he loves and i cannot seem to make right and some brownie ice cream and some rainbow sherbert (sounds like a strange combination to me but that's what he likes) and if I can find something as a gift that too though I am usually good at shopping for people i have never been good at shopping for Bruce. And that's a pity because he loves presents. I wish mine to him were better.

My secret wish it to go up to SLC for May 24th's March Against Monsanto. I have Saturday off (working Monday instead) need to find a way to do this. Would love to see some Salt Lake people.

Mother's Day, hard day for me all around. But my mom sounded better than she has. I wish she would consider moving up here. She said Bruce is terrified that she might. I said, Yes, he is, but that's primarily because you have never met him (in 12 years) and never even had a real conversation with him on the phone. And Bruce does like being alone. But as for a man who REALLY loves his mom and did everything he could for her when she was alive and worries about my relationship with my mom quite a lot I am pretty sure he would adapt. I worry very much about her being on her own and she readily admits she should not be driving which she says she does not do much but should not be doing at ALL. We actually had a franker conversation and one coodayvering more important topics than I can remember in a long time. And she asked for Hexol (she loves that stuff). I don't know that she ever will  move up here, though I would feel better if she did. I offered to go down this summer (now) but she declined that.

There's other stuff on my mind but I am truly tired of sad thoughts, so I am not going to address any of that.

Watched The Ramen Girl again today. Yes, its a movie, but there is something important in that movie for me.

Did not get much productive stuff done today.

I've had a nice couple of days, mostly spent relaxing and a little seeing friends. More time spent with Bruce and the dogs. Last night I went to a Poetry Slam where the first ever St George Utah team was chosen for competition. Fist stop, Oakland, CA.And guess what? I was one of 5 judges! How did that happen? Well, the presenter (one of a team of 3 from Las Vegas) asked if there was anyone who had never been to a Poetry Slam before and, I raised my hand. After she drafted me, she asked me what i felt qualified me to judge a poetry slam, I said I wasn't sure I WAS qualified, but that I like poetry. One person qualified herself by saying she had amazing hair. So I settled into an evening consisting of 3 Hairy Navels (not to worry, this is Utah) a pretty good turkey melt sandwich (didn't eat much though) and three rounds of better than I expected poetry. I was delighted to see my classmate Whitney was competing and surprised but equally delighted that my Poetry teacher Darren was also competing. Two of the competitors Skyped their poems in! (But you lose much in immediacy that way) In my view, Darren and Whitney were far and away the best of the bunch and the other judges thought so too. They were the top choices for the team. In fact, I think Whitney even bested Darren a bit! Her last poem was If George Lucas Wrote a Porno and it was full of puns and allusions and was really clever and she performed it perfectly. I will definitely go again to  Storm the Mic. Now I am just waiting to go to work. Not looking forward, but it is only one night. I am taking chemistry notes to make it a rollicking evening : /

Another whiny post. Up to give Bruce some meditation time. Been sick all day, both ends and feeling crappy in between. Bruce is worried. I am worried. No insurance though and I work one day a week. Utah does not think such as I should have medicaid. I do intend t get some bloodwork done, at least to find out what the hand/ joint pain is. I hear there's a test that can detect if it is RA which is my first thought. Bruce wants me to check into the stomach issues too, I throw up so much and so deeply. Twice today he asked if there was blood. Don't think so. I hardly ate today and still. Anyway, it wore me out and really impeded my day as you might expect.

On the good side, Bruce bought the whole DVD set of Harry Potter and we watched the first one this morning. I enjoyed it very much, but boy were they young! I enjoyed being immersed in an imaginative world with Bruce, who is very sweet, good natured and funny and the dogs all around. That was the best part of the day. Then I got up and he went to bed. I puttered on the computer awhile and shortly before noon I heard a small plane overhead. I was actually looking around the room wondering what it would be like if it crashed. I thought that was very paranoid. It sounded strange to me and we don't get a lot of planes overhead here. To my shock later today I learned a small plane did crash in Santa Clara, in a field and 2 people were killed. That had to be the plane. I haven't checked for the updated story yet, the one I had was preliminary but how awful. I read someone saw the wreckage right after an tried to approach the plane, couldn't get close, was calling out but no reply. Later they found the bodies. I hope it was quick and as painless as possible.

I had an appointment with an adviser at school at 3. I am looking for advice about direction I might go in since i don't think I can physically do nursing. That's bad, because it was a concrete, doable goal and I have never ever ever been career oriented so i was happy to be doing pretty well in that course until, the hand and joint pain started. The adviser was helpful. She suggested i not drop it as a goal just yet. I do intend to find out if it is RA this summer and will talk to nursing people to find out if there is something in the field I can do that is not very physical. I really can't open things anymore so it is pretty serious. Pain varies in intensity but the thumbs are always involved.I learned that I am just two classes away from an Associate of Science degree, an art appreciation class and a 1 credit biology class. Now if I take biology which could only be a good thing to know something about I'd likely take the 3 credit class. A friend wanted me to take phlebotomy with her in the Fall, for me it would be a re-take and lots of needles, but there was a bloodwork option last time (my blood did well then) and it would not hurt to brush up. But all those needles!And how will my hands deal?  I intend to try to learn chemistry better over the summer and I would need to renew my CNA certificate, which would mean re-testing since i wasn't employed as a CNA. That could be summer stuff too. I looked into the possibility of summer school but there is no grant money left. I'll have to wait till Fall. So I need to decide what to take this Fall. English and Communications is an option too. I need to do some research. You only need a BA to teach through high school here. I am not sure how I would do as a teacher. But i need to figure something out. Soon. I also took aptitude, or should I say inclination tests today. They told me that personality wise i am INFP Introverted, Intuition, Feeling and Perceiving but i knew that. It also told me I am ASI Artistic, Social, Investigative as another form of typing. All told, I don't want to do "normal work" I can get feedback Monday so I will. I also asked about a Speech Pathology course of study, there is none here. (It came up as a high recommendation years ago for me) and I also asked about Environmental Science. That is in development for a degree, but the adviser said development could take a long time. And I would need more math, chemistry and I would need physics. I am drawn to Environmental Science but i don;t think i am THAT drawn. Not with my current energy level anyway.

I really need to do juicing this summer. It's expensive and i haven't been able to afford it so far, but I need to do something about health or just curl up and die. Which, unfortunately I suppose does not seem all that tragic to me either. I have that streak. A friend told me just tonight a friend of her brother's committed suicide today. he was in his mid 20's. She doesn't know why, but she has gone through a spate of deaths, several suicides just recently. I don't at all mean to be callous. I can understand a feeling of not wanting to live though. The world can be an unfriendly place and if you don;t have much connecting you, it is something I would consider if i were in unabating pain with no bright spots. I have an equanimity about death but I am not suicidal myself. If I were, I would be dead.

Ok...cheerier thoughts. Tomorrow I am going to see a friend I haven't seen in awhile. I am looking forward to that. Friday there is a big poetry slam and i am gong to that. Saturday I traded hours at a co-workers request so I will be working till 9 pm. Sunday, I will try to call my mom. Sent her  card, but will try for live contact. Monday, school feedback and hopefully will start the chemistry study. need to get my CNA books back too. That's about it for now.

Still sick and not happy about that, but this illness has a flavor of obsequiousness about it. That was the word that popped to mind and I looked and sure enough passive obedience pretty much describes it.  The is a large padding of passivity and almost drugged non feeling (not taking any drugs, took 2 separate shots of Nyquil the whole time so far) then a teeny tiny red dot of my will deep in the middle. It's strange and almost enjoyable to observe but it is a waste of time. and, I am cutting into Bruce's meditation time because all I want to do is sleep. Well, not quite true- last night I had an urge to go drive out where there were not any people to hear and just scream and scream. I imagined this quite vividly, could feel my throat and knew i wouldn't be screaming long. the amused observer part of me asked, "And this would?" I shot back that I am so tired of this phase (I call it a phase but it's more like a flare up of a chronic illness) of the This is How it Feel thing. The observer coolly asked if I thugh all that drama would do any good? Would anything be communicated to anyone or would I just have a sore throat and a momentary feeling of catharsis? I don't know! Anyway, that went on awhile and I didn't drive anywhere.

So, the Oregon internship. I read it over and the intern must be able to carry heavy equipment.... launch boats. I might could launch a boat but no to the heavy equipment. Sad. would have been an interesting 8 weeks. School is over for the semester, I got all nice solid A's except in CIS where I got a flat B and History which is yet undetermined. I had a 94% in History but wrote 2 100 point essays while sick and that is not good. Hoping it wasn't as BAD as I think it was. I am going to try to speak with a counselor about direction tomorrow.

What else? Oh! I have a friend who gets subsidized housing and they do inspections of her apartment. She is already overloaded and has 4 kids living with her who are not much help and I feel extremely guilty that I have not hauled my non-housecleaning ass over there to help her. The idea makes my head spin though. I wish I could hire someone professionally for her. This summer I intend to clean HERE. She needs help but the inspection is tomorrow and I am still too sick to think I'd be any help at all.