Just checking in. I have so many things i would like to write about because writing helps me really explore things, but it's finals time at school and I am unprepared so I don;t have time to think much. Isn't that funny? In school but no time to think!

Our good old Dude got prescribed Prozac the other day. I am really concerned about giving it to him but he is licking large wounds into all four of his legs now. He has a latent skin infection and his vet has been his vet for years but the other day was the first time he said Dude is causing these infections by the licking. I thought it was some kind of infection that spontaneously arouse, at unpredictable intervals from some internal stimulus. he's asked if Dude is stressed before. Dude is high strung for a lab, bu he lives as idyllic a life as I can imagine. Bruce thinks the girls, particularly Jetty Lee henpeck him and yes, Jetty is a bossy little thing on occasion but I really didn;t see that as a factor. Anyway, Dude is bad about taking pills so for YEARS we've been going with Convenia shots which are a time release antibiotic. The shots are about $130 apiece and it usually takes three of them at 2 week intervals to clear the infection. Then we don;t know how long we have till it flares again. This time the vet really suggested giving him antibiotics orally (much less expensive and I know he tries to consider that, but I am wondering now if there are efficacy questions too) as well as the generic Prozac. I worry a LOT about playing with brain chemistry. And it will apparently take a good amount of time just to see how it affects him. And I can't just quit the drugs cold turkey. This has me angsting over what is right. But we LOVE Dude (and Jetty Lee and PJ ) and we would do whatever we could for any one of them. If antidepressants stopped dude from licking himself raw and he remained his good, happy self, I guess that would be a good outcome. Talking to people (just a little) who have taken Prozac though makes me wonder what psychological effect it might have. And I can only go by behavior. Dude has no way to tell me other than behavior how he feels about the whole thing. Three days in and I am not noticing any negative effect, so far.

Anyway, addressing things on my mind in small doses and I guess this is all i have time for.

Right now I should be trying to do statistics homework. But no. Here I am. Venting. I wonder if I will ever be done venting. I see fissures in barren lands spewing poisonous gasses. How many millenia till there is green there again?
Nowadays, when I go to bed, I just want sleep. I used to cherish the time before sleep as a time of fanciful thought. Now, just sleep please. But do I get it? No! I twist and contort in the throes of what even I is unresolveable. Like some live bug already ruined by sap that will become amber. Fighting even when movement and breath is impossible. Same. Old. Thing. yesterday, all day I was full of these thoughts, and the sadness, the anger, the feeling of waste and, is it betrayal? I don;t even want to argue. There's nothing to say TO the other person. people go by what is the deepest wish of their hearts. Even I know there is absolute good man ely no point to be made at all in arguing or even expressing this. I find it amusing that I have managed to live through, without terrible damage, sexual molestation, control scenarios ...pretty much name it, but not one ANCIENT, for the other person eminently move-onable relationship. I am quite sure NOTHING I endure in life will ever have the effect on me or cause me the pain and shrinking of self that this one loss has. Not death, nothing. And I am up in the nights wondering if this is mental illness. It could well be! I turn sleeplessly talking to a person who can never listen, and still bound to that soul, in whom I still see all the beauty even recognizing the callowness (toward me, I don't judge further than that, well maybe I do, I feel such amusement at the assertions of his "feminism", so maybe I do) Anyway hours pass and really, I just want to go to sleep. It is an exercise that affects no one but me. Then again maybe that is not so true either. The good man in the other room is affected. By a certain aloofness, by a lack of confidence, full engagement. But that's a long term effect, mulling it, what good does this do I wonder, trapped in the dynamic of it, wishing to express something (what IS it that I would really like this other to know? I can't for the life of me determine THAT) Finally I give up, knowing that once again it will be a sleepless night. And then I remember My Favorite Person. I remember the night he stopped me, on the very short walk from car to apartment and engaged me in purely friendly conversation under the stars in the shadows of snowy Salt Lake mountains not randomly but not with a specific intent. And I, so really ruined I mistrusted any person with a penis who would talk to me only wondered what that was about and speculated on the socioeconomic CASTE of this person and how unexpected the topics of that conversation was. i did not ever ever expect anything like it to be repeated. I had my "not open" vibe down pretty pat. So when I herd that knock on my very door and answered and there he was, as far as I could tell, just a human with no expectations I was puzzled but I found myself up for that. And the wonderful nights of conversation which sent me to work looking like a raccoon, but a happy one.
Last night I remembered a time we went driving. I can't consciously recall where we were now, I think near Morgan. I think we may have even eaten at The Spring Chicken. We were just driving. And it was wonderful. he asked me to pull over, which I would not have done for anyone else seeing it was on a highway. But I did and we hiked up a little hill. I could, of course, still hear the occasional rush of cars. There wasn't a lot of traffic. But that world faded away, even though there was still the sounds of traffic now and then. Have you ever read Carlos Castenada? I have. And enjoyed the books though I was quite sure I would be unhappy in Castenada's actual presence. But there was something akin to that in this experience. Like Stopping the World. The quality of the very sunlight was so palapable. Like it was from a purer more natural time. Like it was nourishing us then and there. Quietly gently but richly. The hill was covered with sage in bloom. Just sage. Not a garden of earthly delights. But it was so alive and bees (which normally make me a bit nervous) were buzzing around. It was very, I can;t think of a better word than happy. It was like being in another world. And we just stayed on this hill for a very long time. At one point he picked some sage leaves and asked me to do so to and he crushed the in his hands and so did I. It was fragrant I remember. he rubbed the crushed sage and my hands and arms and told me it would work as mosquito repellent. We didn;t talk a lot. We mainly just stood there enjoying the feel of this experience that felt outsdie the usual world. At one point as the sun was lowering and I could see distinct shafts of lazy but living and energetic light he stood behind me and put his arms around me. It was the first time he ever did that and it was so unexpected and so beautiful and while it was unusual it felt so natural and right. We just stood there like that till the sun was nearly gone. then we left. After remembering this last night. I slept. Do you think it was just my own memory? Or was that compassionate spirit there?

Determined to make chicken and dumplings Bruce likes. He isn't a big eater. he's a hardly- eater! But he likes chicken and dumplings. This is not food I grew up with. So I am not good at making it. Had a dish of it in Plains GA once that was purely DELICIOUS. I've never come close to making it like that, but now I understand why people like it. Bruce likes it plain. No celery. No onions. No pepper. Pretty much just chicken, broth and very thin rolled out dumplings. It sounds so simple! But you cannot imagine how I've managed to fuck this up. But trying it again. I also got stuff to make him some homemade chili (I am successful at THAT) and I am going to try homemade Swedish meatballs. With me predominantly juicing and souping and nutting Bruce has resorted to frozen food and I just HATE that. It's really unhealthy. He talks about dying much much too often and I am afraid he is going to DO it. I'd like him to take an interest in his health. I certainly want to be more proactive about MINE. It is so weird. the fruits and vegetables work for me, but for some reason I am resistant. Yesterday I found myself eating Oreos which I don't even LIKE. It makes no sense to me why I would sabotage myself, but I am still doing much better than I ever have before. I have to figure out why I am fighting being healthy. I do intend to juice fast over the summer!!
Bruce laughed at me for the organic chicken and organic chicken broth. I try to get everything as organic and as cruelty free as I can. The thought of eating some poor creature from a CAFO makes me literally iill. It is not good for the creatures. It isn't good for us.I am eating very little meat nowadays but when I do I want it to have lived as happy free and natural a life as it could. And this horse meat debacle has got me just cringing. I hate that my species is so exploitative. Horses are friends, not food! I wish with all my heart I had the means to adopt five mustangs...and a place to keep them happily.A little homestead. With a garden. Oh well.
School news... I had hoped to take the statistics test Sunday but I am not prepared. I've got about a week though. I could take the next psychology test now and do well. Mine was, once again, the high score in that class. But that ain't saying much. Now the physiology test had me really really nervous. I hadn't gotten the material to my satisfaction and found myself on test day madly studying in the library. I didn't even want to see my study group because I had so much ground to cover. I did see Smart Guy, and he made me smile. Canvas went down just as I was trying to review the power points for the third of three chapters. That library is always freezing but at least there is light. As it was I tried to study some in my car then just gave up and went to take the test. I had to worry incessantly for DAYS because there was a hand drawn extra credit portion. But results came in last night and I got 101 (he builds in some extra credit.) The high score was 108. I went from a 115.5% in the class to 108.3%. I need to focus better. But still, this is good. Right now in the classes with a grade a have solid As. English doesn't have a grade yet and that worries me and physiology lab...well I don;t have an A there and that pisses me off. But a LOT of people are plain flunking it. However, I need an A to progress. Alright this is turning into a rather unpleasant post and the chicken part of the chicken and dumplings is starting to smell good. I think I had better make the dumpling dough.

I have statistics homework, statistics class, physiology class and a physiology test today. Not at all ready for the physiology test. Hoping I can cram enough to take it before it closes. Well, I have to take it. But I mean, successfully. Went to bed early to try to get some good sleep but dreamed sadly. Seems like it was all night. Only remember one dream but they were all about he who I always dream of. And I get the impression they were all sad. In the one I remember we were both at the same college, he had been there a long time and I was new. I had my dogs with me ( a bright spot) Somehow I had to sleep in the halls and he would walk right past me, awake or asleep (I always knew when he was near) and not even speak. Pretty much like real life actually so again, I think of cutting that thread of connection. Thing is, it would not change a thing for me if I did. I will never be unaware. I will never quit feeling connected. Still I probably should. Anyway, it's not what I need to be thinking about right this second. Right this second I need to be thinking of statistics.

one of my favorite songs, one of my favorite singers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_EuzTMeZms

This is hard for me to write about. It keeps skittering around in my mind then when I try to focus I get so wound up I can't form cogent thoughts. I could have easily killed someone on Friday. It started out as a day I knew would be stressful. I had a psychology test and a statistics test to take. I was pretty confident about the psychology test, though not sure I would get an A, but the statistics test....no. Not prepared. We are allowed technology in the class but the instructor at the beginner said we'd be fine with a calculator that cost about $10. I bought one that was about $18 and said statistics and hoped it would do. It didn't. I have a TI89 but that has to be programmed for statistical functions and that is beyond me, especially with the class running and me getting further and further behind. I do not feel the instructor explains terms well. For me, anything to do with math is a foreign language and it is not going to just sink in effortlessly. He tends to say, this is mu, point to the symbol and think we've got it. Well I don't get it! The actual math part of statistics is pretty easy, but the concepts and the vocabulary and identifying which formula to use are not so easy. We're allowed excel too, but I am not conversant with it. Trying to learn. Anyway, to shorten this some, all these deficits of mine were on my mind and so was the realization that I had not been able to do some of the homework because i couldn't figure out how to work the calculator or excel to do it and I was unsuccessful doing it by hand. I figured I had long stressful hours ahead of me.
I was invited to go walking and accepted the invitation just when a fellow psychology student messaged that he would be interested in studying. He was planning on being at the library building at 10. I texted my walking friend to see if we could go at 8:45 instead of 9 and she said sure, but when she wasn't there by 5 till I cancelled and just ate breakfast and prepared to go to the library. I took my psychology books and my math books and the newest (FOURTH) calculator that I have, planning to study statistics after i took the psychology test. The statistics class closed at 10 so I was literally fretting the hours at 10 in the morning!
Only Joshua and I showed up for the study group which amazed me because a LOT of people failed the first exam and my 92 was the high score on that test. I even posted my own completed study guide in a class discussion, referenced with page numbers where I found what I thought were the answers and an invitation to study. I thought there might be a good number of takers. But nope. Just me and Joshua. He wanted to wait for a few minutes to see if anyone else came and I was chomping at the bit to get started, but we waited a little. still no one else. We found a study room and he posted to the class where we were in case anyone else decided to come but no one else did. We were there I'd guess for about two and a half hours before we felt like we were as prepared as we were going to be for the test. Joshua's car was elsewhere on campus so since we were both planning to take the test right then I offered to drive. The testing center is close to the campus, Joshua thinks about 4 blocks. I could have turned in and gone the back way and I wish I had. But no, I decided to go in nearest the doors. The left turn was too hectic though, to make INTO the center. People were driving fast and all over. I decided it would be safer to turn left. I thought there was an inlet on that street which had far less traffic. There wasn't an inlet so I saw I needed to turn around. I checked the streets, Nothing coming from behind, the cross streets seemed clear, a white pickup going the opposite way. The turning radius on the Buick is not that good to when the truck cleared I turned right and then into the intersection, a very wide u-turn. Well, I thought it was clear. At the last possible second I saw there was a motorcycle that was coming from behind me. For an instant I thought he would be clear. But no. I felt the impact as he hit my car. We leapt out and he was on the ground. I had the most horrible fear. He was dazed but got up fairly quickly. I was so grateful he was wearing his helmet and all I could think was that I could have killed him. I never saw him till it was too late. My phone was in my trunk (I don;t take it into the testing center) so a witness called the police. The guy (58 years old) only seemed to have a scratch on his arm, I couldn't believe nothing worse than that. I begged him to go to the hospital in case he were injured in a way we couldn't see but he wouldn't. It took a long time for the police to get there. The dispatcher had asked if he wanted an ambulance and he declined. We couldn't move his Harley (big big Harley) to the side of the road, something was bent and it wouldn't move forward. I was flashing to seeing Bruce riding his bike, seeing others i know and love on bikes or scooters ...always thinking how much WORSE this could have been. I think of myself as a safe driver. i wear seatbelts. I haven't had a ticket since I have lived here and for years before that. I have a driver's license and insurance. (I kept thinking about my anger, still pretty hot about the meth lady who hit me and broke my wrist who had none of those things.) Still...I wished I could be on the other side of this accident. The knowledge that i had harmed a person with a car was HUGE in my mind. Joshua stayed for a long time, even though i told him he should go take his test. After it was all over, in shock, I went and took the test too. I noticed Joshua was still there.I went through it so fast i have no idea how I did, but I finished before Joshua then waited for him. He didn't want a ride back to the school (gee, I wonder why) but I went and tried to study for statistics. So many things, some that might seem unrelated kept passing through my mind. I even wondered if i was monstrous for being there studying as I had originally planned but couldn't think of anything more sensible to do. I got some stuff somewhat understood and the library closed at 6. I tried studying in my car as it was getting dark but that was difficult. I finally decided, Fuck it! I'm just going to go take the test. So I did. That test is on the computer. I learned right away I got 95%. Highest score for me on a math test. Like...ever. Couldn't really enjoy it though. And more thoughts and prayers when I got home. I went to bed really early. A friend suggested I try to fight the ticket. I am NOT planning to fight an improper u turn ticket!!! I could have KILLED a person. Yesterday I saw where a cyclist in St George was injured and life flighted. Today there was a story of an motorcyclist being injured on St George Blvd and having to be hospitalized.. I am so grateful this accident didn't go that way. But I am so aware of how hard it is to see these vehicles. If they are in front of me i give them a very long distance. But this one was behind me. When I got him Bruce told me that what I had done was the leading cause of death for motorcyclists. There but for the grace of God...

Just finished a batch of statistics homework. Taking a little break before I review the study guide for psychology. I need to take the psychology test (it opens tomorrow and is open for almost a week but I want it OVER) and I  have to take the statistics test tomorrow, that's going to take my whole day to study for. The physiology test is Wed Thurs. Wed I am in school till nearly 8 so need to take it Thursday. I have a lot of studying to do there! I will have to check to see what's due in other classes. Right now I just need to concentrate on statistics and getting psychology out of my way. It's after 11 o'clock and Bruce isn't ready for dinner yet! I told him I'd make him a BLT and some fried mushrooms. I made homemade tomato soup tonight. Tomatoes, onions, those little red Italian peppers, jalapenos, garlic, ginger, celery, parsley and cilantro seasoned with sea salt, pepper and cardamon. I did add evaporated milk for creaminess. I am hoping the jalapenos bloom overnight as they did in my butternut squash soup. I've never been one to tolerate spicy food, but I find myself craving spices lately. Weird. Well this is enough of a break. I want to be conscious for psychology and then there is Bruce's dinner! He was disappointed that his Valentine's gift to me did not come. I really don't need a gift. I appreciate him enough. But it is very sweet he got me something. He won't tell me what it is. He did just tell me he put 2 movies on the Netflix queue he thought I'd enjoy, one about Dennis Banks who co-founded AIM and one about Leonard Cohen. I am sure I will enjoy them both. Our next excursion in Creative Nonfiction Writing is going to be nature writing. So today I used some Audible.com credits and procured two books by Edward Abbey and one by Annie Dillard. If I have any time!