The only reason I am taking the time to write now is that I am waiting for my hair stylist to come over. She messaged me that she was on her way. Really, if I was not so shaggy and my hair wasn't in my eyes, I would not be taking the time to write. I really need to manage my time severely but it seems I am not doing so well at it. I find that I can't do much homework while I am working and I had an expectation that I would be able to, so that's a huge chunk of time gone. Even though I only work 3 days. Sat is 8 hours but Monday and Tues need not be since I am just backup then.
 I woke up this morning and leapt straight into Environmental Science homework. That took a good chunk of time even though it wasn't terribly difficult. This is a class I am taking because I am very concerned about the environment. I fall short n many ways as far as being green goes but the attitude of the US is dismal. I truly think that as a species we need to give some concentrated attention and behavior changing to our ways of dealing with the earth or we will not be here long.
Now, i say I leapt right into the Environmental Science homework, but in truth I sent an email to my history professor first. And it was merely a playful email, not really related to the class, but he had made a comment on an assignment I turned in (he liked it) and mentioned i would love the course. i mailed back that I was already enjoying it immensely and he wrote back "Sweet"  which for various reasons seemed to have tickled my brain so much that I got very little sleep caught in a thought tangent cloud that went EVERYWHERE. I felt that since he triggered it it was only fair he share in a small amount. I am curious to see what if any response there will be.
We have a quiz in history tomorrow, labeling the states on a blank US map. I have glanced at a map today and do not know how I am going to do on that. When I was a small child I knew them but I sure as heck don''t now. We also have a paper due tomorrow night and I have not yet done the requisite reading.
Then I will turn my attention to chemistry. I seriously need to work on conversions. I also need to memorize some prefixes, 35 element symbols and names from the periodic table, whether they are metals or non metals, some other definitions from the course, and I am not sure what else. I have chemistry lab homework due by Tuesday too.
Then there is CIS which i don;t expect to be difficult but which I expect to take up large, precious chunks of time. I resent it even though I know these skills would be good to know. I equate it with the LIB class, but I knw it's more useful. Ah Kim is here

Made a cherry cheesecake at about 2:30 am. Not normal, but tasty.

Would like to groom Sammie Sue today being as I am off and school is fast approaching. Would like to have her looking good before school starts. I'd like to assess how the work/school thing is going to go without having her in the background of my mind. On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy with Deb. Oh well.

It looks like my pregnant friend has found a job opportunity she is excited about. She is asking for help procuring some professional maternity clothes and I wish I could help her! I hate being broke always. She is also talking with her oldest sister again. I was really worried about that, but the rift was over a fairly serious matter. I don't know how that resolved but i am so glad they are talking! Looks like Bruce was right about more opportunities for her in a larger city with an established network.

My co-worker who was surrounded by the cops? And is being garnished? And the cops show up at the business owner's house? Apparently this is over $250 unpaid traffic fines. It seems wildly excessive to me! The guy is working 3 jobs and just lost his car. Wow.

Not sure what I will do today. Probably not a lot. Still tired, but not as tired as I was the past 2 days. Maybe I'll give Dude a bath.

Just a few minutes but I wanted to write a little bit of what's going on in my life. First I've been feeling pretty yucky physically. That sucks. But plugging on. Dropped my yoga and qigong and I am sorry about that but it is what it is. Still thinking I need to get back to juicing. But I haven't yet. Been working quite a bit. One of my co-workers is going through a wringer! I don't know him well but he looks so sweet and affable. He had asked me if I would work for him so he could go to a wedding in Salt Lake. he went, he enjoyed the wedding but his $2000 car's radiator went out and he ruined the head gaskets so it would need $4000 worth of repairs. THEN he came back on a shuttle and while at work the police showed up at work (I have heard this is because of outstanding traffic warrants) They waited there trying to get him in for about THREE HOURS and they also showed up en masse at the business owners house where she refused to talk to him. This sounds way more serious to me that outstanding traffic warrants but this is St George... Now they are garnishing his wages. The business owner was shocked that they had her cell phone number.Actually I find the whole thing pretty scary.

In other news without studying ONCE (I had intended too go over the whole physiology book and review algebra this summer but I got a job instead and did NO studying) I took the Kaplan test for admittance into the nursing program. I was not even going to take it since I hadn't prepared, but I thought at least i would have an idea of what to expect, so Ii took it and incredibly I passed it. Not with high marks (the highest anyone I know had heard of anyone getting was an 86, my score was 77, passing is 74.) I was, as I do, celebrating the fact that i passed and bemoaning my poor score when I asked a friend who did study what she got, she got 76. I can be insensitive. Anyway, that test is done and I submitted my application for the nursing program. I am supposed to know in about 10 days if I will be admitted for the Spring semester. I have to take and do well in chemistry this Fall or that would nix me. We shall see. I am increasingly worried about how i would be as a nurse. I am not high energy and I am squeamish. So I am wondering if I am in the right course of study. But I am proceeding, so I will let inertia carry me until I come up against a bad obstacle.. I want to be qualified to do SOMETHING that will support Bruce and me. I don't think he will be able to work again and I know he doesn't want to and it's my turn to support us, as soon as I can. So i have pressure there.

Emotionally I feel fragile and feel strained at the slightest stresses. I have been avoiding a loyal friend and I think this is because I am stressed. I need to contact her! And...My Favorite Person's daughter (I will never understand why he left her and her sisters, and it's not like I can ask) is entering the second trimester of pregnancy and she is homeless. Every in me screams to ask her if she would want to come stay with us. everything that is but respect for Bruce who does not like this idea. He pointed out that her family is up there. There are better services he thinks in a city. I really want to ask but I could not do it unless Bruce agreed. And he doesn't. Also I don't know what the relationship is like with the father of this child. I am remembering being young and thinking I was pregnant and how utterly alone I felt. Telling my dysfunctional family was not something I was looking forward to and the guy was about as caring about this as, well, he wasn't. Anyway i am thinking of this young woman and wishing i could do something to help her. I can all too easily imagine some of the things she might be feeling and a child is a huge responsibility. Well this is all I have time to write about now. Didn't get a lot said.

July 7th 2013

Last night i did not sleep well. Was (am) worried about PJ, one of our three dogs. She is the happiest, most loving creature I have seen in my life. Of any species, bar none. Bruce and I have noticed a discoloration on her anus and we are scared it is something ----scary. I spent much of the night trying to figure out what to do. I am going to take her to the vet, hopefully Wed to have the vet look at it. Then hours trying to figure out my life and my past. It was a fairly articulate set of thoughts but as usual it seems to do nothing. When I got up this morning I played Candy Crush on Facebook so incessantly I was nearly not ready for an appointment I'd made to groom a friend's dog. It's a new puppy she thinks about 8 months old, sort of shih tzu sized but looking more, hmm Havanese? His name is Bob and they got him as a therapy dog for their autistic son. Their other son, the most energetic boy I have ever seen in my life LOVES Bob. Bob himself is a sweetie. He was great for everything which was wonderful as it was his first groom. I only have hot water in the garage, need to get a plumber out to fix that. I had to lock our dogs outside and bathe Bob in the kitchen sink. I don't have a noose there but Bob was a champion. i think he ENJOYED it. He never tried to get out, never fought n any part of the whole groom. He didn't LIKE having his ear hair pulled but he was good (and he had a ton in there. He was nervous about having his feet scooped but he tolerated it. He was great for have his nails clipped and dremeled (I really appreciated that Bruce replaced my dremel, a variable speed dremel that had devolved to only high speed which made it useless for dog nails. He later cleaned it and restored variable speeds) I told him he could have the new one bu he took the old one. After grooming Bob the Angel dog (for free as I don't have a home license) I decided to bathe our three large dogs. Dudie first. Dudie loved baths but he can't get into the tub anymore. I did them all with the hose on the driveway. Once he knew what was going on he was his usual good as gold self. And he LOVES being blow dried. PJ was next. She does NOT love being bathed or blow dried but she was pretty good for both. Jetty Lee was dying t get out there and her responses were comically variable. She soaked me when she clambered into my lap, soaking wet. Her pampas tail grass tail had some huge nasty mats in it which I removed. They are all clean and happy and i am exhausted. I love our dogs!The only other really notable thing about today was a conversation with my Mancub (met him as a 15 year old in an aol chat room and now he's 30 I think)I was his first trip away from home. And he stayed here another time too. His mom even came to visit. But it's Paul I am interested in. There is something about us that is the same and always has been. We were talking today about jealousy. And a little about college which I am very pleased he is now starting. Not thrilled that he plans to major in business, but it's his life. Long about now I am going to bed. Work tomorrow.

Snippets

4th of July. My parents anniversary. I did not call my mom. I'm not even going to feel guilty about it. Much. I do feel guilty that I have not called my friend Grace. She needs to talk. I can tell. I just don't have any emotional reserve. not sure why. I know she is depressed and needs her friend. I feel very guilty not being there for her. I did send her the old clippers my friend Debbie gave her and a couple of dematting tools. Not what she needs though. This morning I woke up early and followed some tangents of thought. Noticed that Jim was up in the night too, or so it looked. had to fight a feeling that there was a connection in that. Fought hard. Lost. As always. Dreamed of Bruce last night. Dreamed he told me he wanted to "go home" for a year. I had no idea where he was calling home. Virginia? Florida? And he was all excited that he had a printing job lined up. I thought it was too much for him, it's very hard on the body. And I walked in while he was packing things that looked like bling...like sparklie navel gems and that sort of stuff to adorn women. I wondered if the Asian Pleasure Palace was one of his destinations. At some point in the dream I telephoned Steve. Only for a minute. I wondered if that was a reason Bruce wanted to leave. I was surprised in the dream that I had even done it. Somewhen evaporated and I believe i am peaceful about that even though I do miss that soul. This are just snippets of things I am thinking about.
Today I went to my qigong an yoga classes. I am sore now but felt so wonderful after them. I am (this is euphemistic) very far from where I would like to be there, but I figure I can only get better. I love the music. I really like the people. Benja showed us an article about her in a local magazine and it is another little puzzle piece about why I am gong to that yoga class. She asked one of the students, a finely sculpted blonde woman named Susan what she thought of the woman presented in that article. Susan, who I think is a lawyer and whose SUV type vehicle had 2 kayaks atop it as this was Susan's last class because she was in St George to care for her mom and now she is heading home to CA and hopes to settle in Sausilito. I noticed she had a green mat. For a lawyer (if i heard that right) she has a VERY "green, heart chakra feeling. She looks as innocent and open as a meadow of flowers in the summer. She went outside after the class into Benja's front yard or side yard where the koi pond and waterfall beautiful son are. She peeked in the door and beckoned at one point then disappeared outside again. When she reentered I think she was talking to me when she said she had wanted me to see the flowers. I am still not sure she meant me though! Joan, the 86 year old lady who has nothing less than panache also kicks ASS in yoga and qigong. That lady would be inspirational but her ancientness adds to it and somehow makes me deeply happy. She is awesome. Oh, I was telling "you" a story. I do ramble from tangent to tangent. Anyway, Benja asked Susan what she thought of the article. It told of Benja's upbringing in Thailand and the poverty and lack of free expression of affection. It had some rembrances of things that had happened to her and how after a fairly unhappy childhood she entered a monastery at 18 to serve the monk (roots of her chefhood) but  left when she realized she was feeling more for the monk than I guess she deemed proper. She became a teacher and somehow met Mormon missions, converted to the LDS religion and served a mission herself. then she married one of the missionaries she had met. The story was touching and Susan summed it nicely saying she go that Benja was inspirational. My own mind was concocting what i would have said if I had been asked. I would have said something like. well I do not know the woman well yet, but I have had some tangential introductions. The first I ever heard of Benja was a trip to your restaurant in Ancestor Square. I was pleased by the look of it, the decor is opulent yet simple, the light is beautiful and the music is superb. Your spring rolls are the best I have ever had, light crisp and non greasy. I LOVE the Tom Ka Khi soup. In fact all of the food is enjoyable by all the senses and the atmosphere is homey. Your staff is the most attentive, courteous and interesting set of people I have ever met in a restaurant. Each has seemed unhurried and exquisitely attentive to dining needs and human wishes. I had quite a memorable conversation with one of the waiters, a man who travels between Utah and New Zealand homes,speaks 7 languages fluently, is going for his PhD and is as friendly and kind hearted a person as one could hope to meet. And I have met your beautiful son. What you have revealed of your life story suggests a woman who believes in love and nurturing yet maintains a strong sense of self and an integrity to be herself, preferring freedom to be that over any form of ownership. I like the details of your home, the fact that your living room has little furniture yet is full of people in relaxed poses. I like the set of candid large black and white photos of you on the wall. They are celebratory of you as a person without seeming egotistical. Your landscape is full of flowers, light, water and loveliness. And when you yourself speak there is a kindly light in your eyes and soft, barely suppressed laughter in your voice.  You are not a woman one would draw in breath an say, "She is so beautiful!" at first glance, but as the eye watches you are full of grace, balance and delicacy as you practice yoga or qigong. You have a powerful but not overbearing presence, even when simply sitting with your unassuming regal posture. I look forward to knowing more of your story.

Also on my mind is work. I am enjoying it. When it is not busy and Lorena is there we have played with nail art, made no bake cherry cheesecake, juiced and made smoothies and told stories to each other. I like the other people too. One encounter was fascinating and I am still pondering it. This co-worker is a stranger but came in and started telling me things about his life people don't usually tell strangers. It was not untoward, just really unexpected and I felt sort of honored and liked him even better than i had. unusual exchange. And another co-worker turned 71. he doesn't seem 71. He's very friendly and fun to be around. I made chicken salad for him. All of the employees seem to be interesting people with great quirks. As I say I am enjoying myself!

well, won't be writing much because the music Bruce is listening to does not allow for concentration. Funny, when he s writing he gets so upset at any errant noise. Oh well.

anyway. midlife crisis? It doesn't feel so crisis-y. Feels more like a wish to make what time I have left in this life as meaningful, deep and true as i can. But what direction? I'm liking school, but not so sure nursing is what I want to do. Proceeding in that direction until I have a better idea though. I don't actually feel bad about not having a career type goal, that is my personality. I would never work at a regular job if I didn't need money. I might be impassioned about volunteering, I would certainly be making my own explorations. But this need I feel to reassess is not so much about career direction as it is about  being true to my personal life. Which is a bit amusing because I can't remember ever feeling less sure that my (or anyone's) life has a purpose beyond what we choose to imbue it with, but I am feeling a pressing wish to know myself better and act in a way that is true to that knowledge.

I've held some strange ideas in my life. When I was a young child I was CERTAIN I was going to be present at "the end of the world" whatever that might actually mean. I don't know, but I don;t think that is a typical kind of thought pattern for a young child. The way the world is going I am remembering that certainty more and more often with a mix of amusement and dread. I am surely no survivalist, thought I would be grateful if i had sufficient skills to live off the grid and bow out of society for the most part. But the idea of surviving in a post apocalyptic world isn't really appealing to mean. I think I'd rather be shot than to shoot someone. Circumstances might show me different than what i think. I really hope not to have to explore that tangent.
;t
And the closest thing I ever felt to a life purpose was clearly in error. I wasted a lot of time believing that idea. Removed a lot of opportunities from my life. Done is done but I have a tenuous future and I wish to live it as fully as possible. So I am trying to disentangle myself from old patterns and ideas and assumptions. I think I will go through a period of self scrutiny and more than usual noticing what I am doing, what i am thinking. I am hoping my actions change and that I feel freer in many respects. Free to take chances and to make mistakes and to interact meaningfully and deeply with other people. I have good relationships but there's not a current one that is as deep or intimate as what I would like to have given choice. I miss feeling really connected to another being. Not that i exactly know what I mean here. I am in a relationship with Bruce and I feel that could well last till the end of our lives, but either f us would admit that it is not as intimate as we would like and we have many good aspects, but cannot seem to connect to each other on the levels we would like to. I don't think I am meaning to create a, what would you say, soulmate ? relationship in this life. I am too muddy for that and would never do anything to hurt Bruce. On the other hand I do not feel "forever" in this relationship. I could be in error, we may deepen as I change. But we seem to have different ideas about time, about what happens after this life. And I have as long as I have known myself wished for a mutually desired permanent connection. That ideal may be fictional. I don't know. I am not sure that part is so important at the moment as polishing my life and living closer to the values i most deeply hold.

I need to learn, for instance, when to say yes and when and how to say no. Most people have better mastery of those skills than I do. I find myself really interesting in things like environment, food and water supply, ethical behavior between humans and other species in large and small groups. I feel a need to better care for my body and to learn to move. I have plenty of areas I I would like to focus my attention on. I want to be far less fearful and far less conventional than I am.

This is what I am thinking about now

you can walk down the street and see your neighbor
you can recognize your neighbor.

maybe they are beautiful
maybe they are wholesome
smart

your neighbor can have infinite qualities
but
you are not twined with your neighbor.

they have utter freedom to be who they are
to do what they like
to make their bonds or walk free as they please

what is that to you?

that is what I intend to achieve.