Almost 1 am. I came home tonight and I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and the feeling got worse. Bruce was being companionable and asked me if I'd like to watch something with him while he ate (it's our bit of consistent time together) I said no because I really just wanted to fall asleep but he knows I like him there so he watched an episode or so of Gotham then dimmed the lights to read beside me. Meanwhile I was feeling worse and worse and began to cough and toss and retch, which of course disturbed him. And not only physical feeling bad., oh no, my mind took the opportunity o play every ancient painful memory. I couldn't stop it, I could only wonder if I somehow desire this or otherwise why I am afflicted by this. It was very bad and I was sad an angry and miserable and a bunch of other stuff. finally, fearing Bruce would just get up which certainly wasn't fair to him I got up and here I sit, in the dark wishing only for peaceful sleep

I am wondering if I am somehow unfair, whether this great and abiding contempt I have for male humans is somehow excusable, if somehow it is just not their fault. But I think our culture has been more directly shaped by men than it has by women and nah, I think men are by and large contemptible. What, you may ask prompts this conclusion? Well there's a list of men in my life who have affected me. And I try and try to squelch my feelings and excuse them on one basis or another (and there haven't been a large number of men deeply in my life, it's just that they have had and used the potential t be so destructive) But the inspiration for this particular rant relates to a longtime and very good friend. She has been in a long term relationship for 16 years. They were "engaged" Now, she, like mostt women I know have had more than one destructive relationship. Her first sexual encounter was a rape. Her first husband cheated on her and the second one more or less sponged off her in every way a person can. There were some minor relationships between him and this latest atrocity. From my pov, she acted more than ethically as far as I can judge. When she met this guy he was married, but separated and divorcing. She declined to date him until he was divorced and could prove it. Their relationship was always odd to me. He had a habit of just leaving to go to Florida without even any notice, literally and giving her some reason or other. The last time he said he was transferred at his job.. Oh no, he wasn't unhappy wit the relationship, oh no, there was no one else. He was living with an old man from his work. He was trying to get transferred "home" He faithfully sent $300 a week for the past 5 absent years. They conducted their relationship long term. She wrote me last night that he has sent $78,000. He recently came "home" for a work thing and he was booked into a hotel. She felt something was wrong and even though they spent a couple of days together (and she was a bootie call) she finally decided to check out his story. Well, she discovered that he married his ex-wife 5 years ago. ow, you'd think they guy would be honest. She gave him multiple opportunities to tell her the truth. She used to be a phone tech who brought home about $100 k a year. But she had the opportunity to retire and he encouraged her to do so and she did. That whole industry has changed and while she has a retirement with benefits it is not enough to keep her in her house alone. And she trusted this man. In my way of seeing he has treated her like a sexual and emotional object, lying and depriving her of her years and her trust and her security (if there is such a thing as security) What is with men that they so objectify women? She could have handled the truth. But no... in my view, men want what they want and they will do what they have to to get it. I do not understand this. I never will.

Really groggy and feeling just awful. I wonder if it was the dreams I had last night, a series of them so emotionally wrenching I feel it could be or whether it is another kind of health issue. I can't remember dreaming in a series before. Two of them were particularly vivid and painful. And all the old issues except I was worried because this time I actually went into the new life. I was traveling in a group and I don't think it was under my control (at least leaving wasn't) and wow! painful! The next dream I was alone at work and trying to handle a call from a customer and i couldn't get anything right and I kept apologizing and trying to concentrate and in that dream I was dysfunctional because of the previous dream. As it was I could not even make myself get out of bed until 11 am and I am so weak and tired feeling I would like to cry. But I need to be at work very soon.

In other news, I was grooming a dog yesterday when a small miracle happened. Our mail lady, who is EXTREMELY dog phobic actually came into the garage with a box for me. I couldn't believe she was getting that close to a dog. Usually she literally runs off our porch when she drops boxes by the door because we have dogs. Even though this dog was a shih tzu and she remarked that it was cute (another thing that floored me!) I was deeply surprised to see her there. The porch was free and clear, so I think she wanted to come in with the dog. Amazed me. The box was from Jaime and Twila. Jaime wrote me a letter (from the hospital) and I will keep that letter as long as I live. They sent me two Native American plates that were his dad's. I want to get these hung up and send a picture of them (with the 2 others Bruce gave me) I love Jaime and Twila. I was grooming the dogs and donated the money from the (and more) to Twila and to my friend Rebecca. I would collapse under the pressure either of them is under and I not only pray for them to get through these times but i feel compelled to do anything I can to help them. I told Rebecca I was going to call her after i finished grooming but I was too worn out to actually do it. A big part of me would like a week totally alone. However, that said, I did really enjoy the company of our dogs and Bruce last night and I think one or the other of the girls stayed with me all night. I was pleased that Bruce flipped our mattress and removed the covering for th foam top so i could wash it. He is very considerate of me, trying to solve problems. I am still doing bedding this morning. Then there's regular laundry.

Yes well, maybe one of these days I will have time to write with more artistry, I'd like to try, but as it is I am going so much of the time that by the time I find a minute I feel numb, braindead and as though I might wake up here in a little while because I fell asleep in a puddle of drool and the air conditioner has chilled it past the point of being able to sleep. I just want to say a little of whatt I have been thinking and feeling.

My friend Jaime called me the other day. I was pleased and surprised. He just recently turned 50 and his voice sounded rough. I have been thinking about him a lot. Jaime is a paraplegic. That happened when he was 19. At that age Jaime, who grew up in a BIG family in a little, predominantly LDS town (though it had more diversity than some, a lot of Greek people for instance. It was a coal mining town. Jaime's family was Mormon and he wanted so much to be a good one. He went o the requisite mission to a little island (so small I cannot remember the name) but it was pretty different. I have the impression they ate bugs. It was very poor. Jaime regaled me with stories and I wish I could remember them with greater clarity, but the braindead thing is in fill force. Anyway, Jaime was absolutely devoted to his mom. Loved her with a fierce love. His father contacted the island Jaime was serving on and, breach of the way things are done in Mormondom, told Jaime his mother was sick and not expected to live and urged him to come home to try to see her. Jaime was torn... after all a big part of LDS belief is that families can be together forever and he wanted that. But you have to be worthy. In any case he did decide to leave his mission to go see his mom. He did this but he was trying to live by the mission rules so that he was remaining worthy and when the crisis was over he planned to return to the mission field. He went home and his dad, a coal miner and of another generation wanted to try to bond with Jaime. He may have been wanting to form a stronger bond with his son who, at the time says he didnt know it, but is pretty obviously gay. I can see that. But gay is another thing you're not supposed to be if you're LDS. Anyway Jaime's dad bought him an ATV and encouraged him to ride it, Jaime really didn't want to because most recreation is disallowed when you are in the mission field, missionaries, for instance may not go swimming even on their P (personal) days. But Jaime also wanted to please his dad so eventually he gave in and took the ATV out. There are cliffs when Jaime lives and somehow he went over one. He's been paralyzed since. I think he still feels it is a punishment. His mom did recover though and I had an opportunity to meet her a few times. I never got to see the wildcat side of her Jaime so loves. Anyway I met Jaime working in the Murray office of AT&T and we became friends. I also met his niece Twila and that was when she was a rather selfish it seemed to me teen. She went through a wild period of her own life but it didn't last long. Jaime used to work 2 jobs at a time. He was quite independent and I can remember him being able to get into his white Jimmy and stow the wheelchair by himself. The man could crack walnuts with his bare hands! And funny! Jaime is very funny. But paraplegics have health problems people often don't think about, Jaime spent a lot of time in the hospital. He's a big guy, at least 6'3" and he has become very heavy. After he got fired from a HOSPITAL he was in (he nearly died) his insurance was lessened. Twila bcame is primary care giver and that isn't easy. Every time he goes to the hospital I more than half think he will not be coming out again. Sometimes it's sespsis, Not too long ago he got a bedsore that spread to the BONE and would not heal. He has had more surgeries than I can count. He was in the hospital literally for months wih that bedsore and he almost died several times. I think the only reason he survived it was Twila. She is his advocate to her bone marrow, She can tell by his behavior if something is wrong. She monitors his care like a hawk. I have seldom seen (trying to think if I've EVER seen) one human so devoted to another. Last year Twila was feeling puny. She ended up finally going to the hospital for tests and leaned that at 42 she had cervical cancer. Now, as Jaime's caretaker she did not have insurance. And there were blood transfusions (th price of those would make you sick) and surgery and radiation and chemo. She wrrote about it and it sounded so gruelling. After a time she was declared cancer free. She was still cancer free at her 3 month check up but at 6 months they found hot lymph nodes. Painful tests revealed the cancer was back. metastasized into three grwths, one above each kidney and one near her collarbone. At that time it was deemed incurable but not terminal. She's been hoping to go into remission with more chemo. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life. Her experiences have show ME that I wold NOT choose chemo. But she thinks it will extend her life. She has much to live for. She wants to live. I remember once talking to Jaime and he told me there were times he considered suicide, but his greatest fear was that if you did not face a challenge in your life and learn its lessons that you might be born again into thos circumstances until you did. I totally agree  would not want to live with his challenges. The other day on the phone his voice sounded very weak and raspy. He's on oxygen now and he wasn't using it when he was talking to me because he hates the nose canula.This shortened our conversation. But I want to take every chance I get to share time with Jaime. I'm wishing Twila health wih all my heart for her sake....she is a loving and devoted person and very interesting in her own right though I dont know her as well as I would like, but also because I feel that if she goes, Jaime will not live long after that. And I was HEARTSICK when I learned that despite her cancer and the horrible treatment which has left her with deep and persistent bone pain, exhausted and with many other side effects she is STILL caring for Jaime. they don't have much in the way of medical care or household help. I just think our culture is evil for this. It's like it has said to these two people- you cannot pull your weight, do what you can for yourselves till you die. Twila's daughter, who is a CNA and a single mother trying to raise her daughter stated a fundraiser for her. The amount of money it has raised is very small Yesterday, Thursday, was my only day off last week and I paid$20 for a facebook ad I thought would bring me some grooming dogs for Thursday. I was offering a discount and wanted to donate at least $100 to Twila, but I had NO takers. I think it might have been for the best for me anyway because I am working a LOT and I am exhausted. On Tuesday night I got off at 9pm and went to the store for ingrdients for chili and for strawberry jello salad. I got hime about 10 and stated on the chili. It was midnight before i started the jello salad and that was a mistake because this is a layered salad and the first layer has to set before you can add the last two layers. It took much longer than I thought and I didn't get to bed till 3 am. I was scheduled to work from 3-9 and was planning on taking chili and strawberry salad and and chips and salsa in for a potluck for Marissa. I met Marissa in my CNA class and she is doing nursing school in Cedar City. Wednesday was her last day. And this girl is sweet beyond sweet. Her goal is to be a nurse in a clinic because she loves people and she loves nursing. You don;t meet many people like Marissa. I wanted her to feel loved. Though I too late thought chili might not be such a great idea for a Mexican girl! My friend Kim had brought over a big bag of vegetables from her garden and I used all the beautiful tomatoes and the green peppers in the batch. I got up the next day earlier than I wanted to but figured I could go to bed for a few more hours before work. I was just exhausted. But then my boss called me at 11 and was hoping I would come in. I actually thought I'd have enough time going in nearer my shift but she sounded disappointed so Ii agreed to come early (unpaid of course) On the way I stopped at the store for a few things I'd forgotten and a card and I found a terrarium  I thought she might like. I then started driving to the office, no make up no nothing and I had a crock pot of chili with a loose glass lid on the floor ofth car and the strawberry salad on the seat with a BUNCH of other stuff including that fragile glass terrarium. Of course, as Utah drivers often do a big, white coffee roasting van in the median put on a turnsignal and aggressively manuevered in front of me. Normally I would have made room but with that chili on the floor and all the stiff on the seat I didn;t want to brake but he (or she) forced me to and I was in dread of all that chili and stuff that took so long to make being spilled all over the car. So, I was gesticulating and cursing which I am sure the driver didn;t even see so it was completely ineffectual and already so tired I could not remember the name of the company or I would have called to complain. Fortunately nothing DID spill. I need two other people to carry stuff in from the car. The "party" was nice but in the office itself it is small and only 3 chairs and that is crowded. And I needed to sit down. Then the owner and her son and his wife and a tech who was setting up the cloud on the new computer were in there and I tried to retreat to the driver's room because to me that was a crowd and crowds drain me. Still nice bt it made for  long day. Oh! and at the VERY end a drier called me and told me he had traded with another young driver who had something happen to his grandfather. The older one did not want to be called back but the trade messed up the whole schedule because the older one thought he wold be able to keep a Zion run he'd agreed to do but the later shift meant he couldn't and thr was no other driver so at past the time I was supposed to leave- 9 pm I am calling a customer to cancel the run he was on (that by itself turned into 3 calls) and talking with my boss and redoing the boards and everything. It was 9:30 before I left and THEN I thought I had missed a spa pick up which meant I should have printed something I hadn't so I had to go BACK and there is no place at all to tun around on the back road I take. I was nearly home before I could turn round. When I got back I learned the spa pick up was on the noon and didn;t need to be printed by me after all. I was just doe in by the time I fianlly go home. Thursday I was actually grateful I had no dogs (though also sad) I stayed in bed the whole day and read and rested. In the evening Bruce came in and said it was funny that he could recommend books to me and I would never read them (partially true id it is about his religious belief) but that if JIM recommended a book I would order and read it immediately. This is also true. But it's because I tend to really like Jim's book recommendations. I told Bruce that and that Jim and I communicate almost not at all. And of course i was thrown into thinking about THAT whole can of worms on and off for the rrest of the night. Bruce is not a jealous person but I could tell he felt minimized by how i responded. And my mind was going for hours about it. It is an odd situation. I will never satisfactorily be able to explain it to anyone but from the time I saw jim I felt i was born to love him. When I finally realized that was not a mutual thing and that I had to leave I have said before i don;t understand why I didn;t just die. It would have been better. That loss stripped me irretrieveably of my sense of self worth, of my sexuality of myriad aspects of life you wouldn;t think it would and the damage to me continies and I see not end to it as long as I liv. If we levw othr lives I hope i somehow get around it. It cost me my whole library because i couldn;t look at my books without thinking of Jim.... I couldn't begin to explain it all. Bruce knows I spent 15 years without so much as holding a man's hand and he knows how Miles surpried me and showed me i could love again which I never ever thought I would. And really, I feel insane about the whole thing and just want it to be quiet as possible because how can you really blame a young man for not having the depth and intensity I did? I can't. Though there are times like when I read him spout feminist stuff I throw up a bt n my mouth and he is given to doing that. I can't not react. And I still hurt that I feel he lied to me and could not even end something he wanted an end to in a respectful way. I just try to wall this off inmyself. I half think I should have told Bruce that while I will never be affected like that, that any relationship I have in this lif at least will never match that intensity or effect i also never intend to look into those eyes again and I don;t expect any depth of commuication. I will never put myself into a position of such vulnerabilty again. And Bruce is my good friend and companion. He has proven trustworthy and caring for almost 13 years now. It is what it is and I would never want tohurt him or disrespect him. But yeah, I will read a book if Jim recommends it. And I am really likiing this one. Let me have that litle pleasure!
Again it is late and I went shopping but did not have the energy to cook so hopefully I will in the morning. I sure hope i get some good sleep, but I think I forgot to take my pill so likely I will not. Dang

Feeling enormously sad this morning. Physically very impacted by it. Today is the funeral for my friend's 22 year old nephew who blew off half his head in what I guess was an untreated schizophrenic fugue. And yesterday I posted some thoughts on Facebook wondering about what motivates people to care about the plights of others because my 43 year old friend with recurrent cervical cancer, now deemed incurable, is getting so little help while other causes get a flood. I used the example of a 5 year old who just died from complications from undiagnosed type I diabetes. Her family had over $52 K donations and I noticed it was  over $54K the next morning whereas my friend has $525 in help and that's not even gas money to cover the weekly trips to s hospital she will need for 9 hour treatments of chemo that may prolong her life. Some of the comments on the thread were as hurtful as I can imagine people being.  More too
 One of my favorite little grooming dogs was hit by s car yesterday. I don't know of he will live but I sure hope so. His 'mom' utterly loves him. And yet more but I am trying to balance with some happy thoughts. If I can find any

Why don't I just go visit my mom some friends are asking. I am asking myself that too. On one hand I would like to see her, but she is aware that I would like to drag her out of her house (which would probably not be hard to do legally, even though I don't think she is actually in dementia) She is just stubbornly insisting she can impose her will and her work ethic on a situation that is clearly going to take more than the will and work ethic of a frail 79 year old woman who has multople challenges afflicting her. By that I mean family. I mean my (cough) sister in law and my youngest nephew. both of whom she has restraining orders against and yet both of whom enter her house and steal things and store junk there. And even the oldest of my surviving nephews who lives with (off) her and is supposed to help her. I feel no connection to these relatives an while the boys clearly had a terrible upbringing that would handicap any person from being a decent human being, and probably that can also be said of their mother my empathy is far removed from them. I see them as waiting for her to die so they can ransack her house. I want nothing whatsoever to do with them. I don't want to see them or interact with them. My mom knows this. I think she worries about what will become of the "boys" (men in their mid to latte 20s who, as far as I know have never held a job more complex than being concessionaires at Angel Stadium. From which I think they were both fired. Again, they had terrible raising an my family is deeply deeply dysfunctional so I really try to not be judgmental and to respect my mother's evident wish to support at least the older of the two, the one who lives with her. But I don't want to see them. And truly, my wish is to get her the hell out of that house. But she sees it as a place that has good memories. How that can be i cannot fathom, but she does though she admits it is too big for her and it is very dilapidated in a pretty affluent neighborhood. Her neighbors must flat out hate her. She doesn't have the means to fix it up unless she were to, as I suggested, find a realtor who could invest money to renovate it and sell it, then recouping their investment as well as the realtor fees. A friend of mine kidnapped her mother (who threatened to commit suicide if she were removed from her house) That situation was on par with my mother's. But no my friend's mother is happy and in assisted living. I told my mom about this and she was sly enough to threaten suicide if I attempted to remove her from her house.... The one and only time she has ever spoken to, much less met Bruce on the phone in the 12 years we have lived together was to try to get him to persuade me to "back off" And I can see her point. Her whole life she feels she has been controlled by someone. As the middle child she is a textbook case of all the negative associations of being put into positions her older sister, the princess and her younger brother, the baby King were never put in. She is bitter. And my mom can hold a grudge. And then she married my father who was demonically controlling and if he exists as an entity that can recognize me I beam my contempt at him. So I hardly feel that i have a right, even if it is well intentioned to take control of her life away from her. I remember Bruce telling me that people die all the time in Bombay in worse conditions. (he supposes- I suggested that he go with me to visit her. He was not amenable to that idea) And at her age i have to actually question my motives. I know I would like my mom to be happier and less stressed and be able to do some things that I think she wants to do. I want her to eat a proper diet, one she knows would help her live healthier and which she is not currently getting. But my mom owns the house I live in and I wonder to what degree i am colored by the desire to inherit. I make $10 an hour. I have no savings and I own nothing of any real value. But I do not want to attempt to control my mother as to her assets either. I once tried to talk to her about what provisions she wants to make for the boys (because if she DOES leave her "estate" to me I can't imagine that I would do anything for them. But she evaded the topic. A my level of income I cannot just freely travel. I work 6 or 7 days a week currently and besidess taking the time off there are the expenses of staying at a hotel or someplace and then trying to do what my mom needs or wants to do while i am there. If she is not wanting me to go there then it is a waste of time energy and money that I cannot be wasteful with. I told her I am very flexible about coming if she wants me an that i will do anything I can to help her and try to avoid forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to, but this is really really stressful for me. I feel she could be someplace clean and wher she could have friends over if she wanted to and get her hair done and and and and she chooses to stay in what I see as the pit of Hell. So I have said all this but I am still thinking of going down there for at least a few days.

Another sleepless night. I have promised to call my friend today. Not sure what I can do except just listen.
I  would so much like some time in a cabin with food and water and time to be near trees and look for butterflies and see if I can find worth and meaning in my life. Pretty sure Bruce wouldn't want to go.  Fantasizing about taking the dogs. I can't afford such a trip. It's all a fantasy.  I seem to be what I absolutely did not want to be. A cog in a machine with little discernable purpose.