About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

July 7th 2013

Last night i did not sleep well. Was (am) worried about PJ, one of our three dogs. She is the happiest, most loving creature I have seen in my life. Of any species, bar none. Bruce and I have noticed a discoloration on her anus and we are scared it is something ----scary. I spent much of the night trying to figure out what to do. I am going to take her to the vet, hopefully Wed to have the vet look at it. Then hours trying to figure out my life and my past. It was a fairly articulate set of thoughts but as usual it seems to do nothing. When I got up this morning I played Candy Crush on Facebook so incessantly I was nearly not ready for an appointment I'd made to groom a friend's dog. It's a new puppy she thinks about 8 months old, sort of shih tzu sized but looking more, hmm Havanese? His name is Bob and they got him as a therapy dog for their autistic son. Their other son, the most energetic boy I have ever seen in my life LOVES Bob. Bob himself is a sweetie. He was great for everything which was wonderful as it was his first groom. I only have hot water in the garage, need to get a plumber out to fix that. I had to lock our dogs outside and bathe Bob in the kitchen sink. I don't have a noose there but Bob was a champion. i think he ENJOYED it. He never tried to get out, never fought n any part of the whole groom. He didn't LIKE having his ear hair pulled but he was good (and he had a ton in there. He was nervous about having his feet scooped but he tolerated it. He was great for have his nails clipped and dremeled (I really appreciated that Bruce replaced my dremel, a variable speed dremel that had devolved to only high speed which made it useless for dog nails. He later cleaned it and restored variable speeds) I told him he could have the new one bu he took the old one. After grooming Bob the Angel dog (for free as I don't have a home license) I decided to bathe our three large dogs. Dudie first. Dudie loved baths but he can't get into the tub anymore. I did them all with the hose on the driveway. Once he knew what was going on he was his usual good as gold self. And he LOVES being blow dried. PJ was next. She does NOT love being bathed or blow dried but she was pretty good for both. Jetty Lee was dying t get out there and her responses were comically variable. She soaked me when she clambered into my lap, soaking wet. Her pampas tail grass tail had some huge nasty mats in it which I removed. They are all clean and happy and i am exhausted. I love our dogs!The only other really notable thing about today was a conversation with my Mancub (met him as a 15 year old in an aol chat room and now he's 30 I think)I was his first trip away from home. And he stayed here another time too. His mom even came to visit. But it's Paul I am interested in. There is something about us that is the same and always has been. We were talking today about jealousy. And a little about college which I am very pleased he is now starting. Not thrilled that he plans to major in business, but it's his life. Long about now I am going to bed. Work tomorrow.

Friday, July 5, 2013


4th of July. My parents anniversary. I did not call my mom. I'm not even going to feel guilty about it. Much. I do feel guilty that I have not called my friend Grace. She needs to talk. I can tell. I just don't have any emotional reserve. not sure why. I know she is depressed and needs her friend. I feel very guilty not being there for her. I did send her the old clippers my friend Debbie gave her and a couple of dematting tools. Not what she needs though. This morning I woke up early and followed some tangents of thought. Noticed that Jim was up in the night too, or so it looked. had to fight a feeling that there was a connection in that. Fought hard. Lost. As always. Dreamed of Bruce last night. Dreamed he told me he wanted to "go home" for a year. I had no idea where he was calling home. Virginia? Florida? And he was all excited that he had a printing job lined up. I thought it was too much for him, it's very hard on the body. And I walked in while he was packing things that looked like bling...like sparklie navel gems and that sort of stuff to adorn women. I wondered if the Asian Pleasure Palace was one of his destinations. At some point in the dream I telephoned Steve. Only for a minute. I wondered if that was a reason Bruce wanted to leave. I was surprised in the dream that I had even done it. Somewhen evaporated and I believe i am peaceful about that even though I do miss that soul. This are just snippets of things I am thinking about.
Today I went to my qigong an yoga classes. I am sore now but felt so wonderful after them. I am (this is euphemistic) very far from where I would like to be there, but I figure I can only get better. I love the music. I really like the people. Benja showed us an article about her in a local magazine and it is another little puzzle piece about why I am gong to that yoga class. She asked one of the students, a finely sculpted blonde woman named Susan what she thought of the woman presented in that article. Susan, who I think is a lawyer and whose SUV type vehicle had 2 kayaks atop it as this was Susan's last class because she was in St George to care for her mom and now she is heading home to CA and hopes to settle in Sausilito. I noticed she had a green mat. For a lawyer (if i heard that right) she has a VERY "green, heart chakra feeling. She looks as innocent and open as a meadow of flowers in the summer. She went outside after the class into Benja's front yard or side yard where the koi pond and waterfall beautiful son are. She peeked in the door and beckoned at one point then disappeared outside again. When she reentered I think she was talking to me when she said she had wanted me to see the flowers. I am still not sure she meant me though! Joan, the 86 year old lady who has nothing less than panache also kicks ASS in yoga and qigong. That lady would be inspirational but her ancientness adds to it and somehow makes me deeply happy. She is awesome. Oh, I was telling "you" a story. I do ramble from tangent to tangent. Anyway, Benja asked Susan what she thought of the article. It told of Benja's upbringing in Thailand and the poverty and lack of free expression of affection. It had some rembrances of things that had happened to her and how after a fairly unhappy childhood she entered a monastery at 18 to serve the monk (roots of her chefhood) but  left when she realized she was feeling more for the monk than I guess she deemed proper. She became a teacher and somehow met Mormon missions, converted to the LDS religion and served a mission herself. then she married one of the missionaries she had met. The story was touching and Susan summed it nicely saying she go that Benja was inspirational. My own mind was concocting what i would have said if I had been asked. I would have said something like. well I do not know the woman well yet, but I have had some tangential introductions. The first I ever heard of Benja was a trip to your restaurant in Ancestor Square. I was pleased by the look of it, the decor is opulent yet simple, the light is beautiful and the music is superb. Your spring rolls are the best I have ever had, light crisp and non greasy. I LOVE the Tom Ka Khi soup. In fact all of the food is enjoyable by all the senses and the atmosphere is homey. Your staff is the most attentive, courteous and interesting set of people I have ever met in a restaurant. Each has seemed unhurried and exquisitely attentive to dining needs and human wishes. I had quite a memorable conversation with one of the waiters, a man who travels between Utah and New Zealand homes,speaks 7 languages fluently, is going for his PhD and is as friendly and kind hearted a person as one could hope to meet. And I have met your beautiful son. What you have revealed of your life story suggests a woman who believes in love and nurturing yet maintains a strong sense of self and an integrity to be herself, preferring freedom to be that over any form of ownership. I like the details of your home, the fact that your living room has little furniture yet is full of people in relaxed poses. I like the set of candid large black and white photos of you on the wall. They are celebratory of you as a person without seeming egotistical. Your landscape is full of flowers, light, water and loveliness. And when you yourself speak there is a kindly light in your eyes and soft, barely suppressed laughter in your voice.  You are not a woman one would draw in breath an say, "She is so beautiful!" at first glance, but as the eye watches you are full of grace, balance and delicacy as you practice yoga or qigong. You have a powerful but not overbearing presence, even when simply sitting with your unassuming regal posture. I look forward to knowing more of your story.

Also on my mind is work. I am enjoying it. When it is not busy and Lorena is there we have played with nail art, made no bake cherry cheesecake, juiced and made smoothies and told stories to each other. I like the other people too. One encounter was fascinating and I am still pondering it. This co-worker is a stranger but came in and started telling me things about his life people don't usually tell strangers. It was not untoward, just really unexpected and I felt sort of honored and liked him even better than i had. unusual exchange. And another co-worker turned 71. he doesn't seem 71. He's very friendly and fun to be around. I made chicken salad for him. All of the employees seem to be interesting people with great quirks. As I say I am enjoying myself!