About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

The only reason I am taking the time to write now is that I am waiting for my hair stylist to come over. She messaged me that she was on her way. Really, if I was not so shaggy and my hair wasn't in my eyes, I would not be taking the time to write. I really need to manage my time severely but it seems I am not doing so well at it. I find that I can't do much homework while I am working and I had an expectation that I would be able to, so that's a huge chunk of time gone. Even though I only work 3 days. Sat is 8 hours but Monday and Tues need not be since I am just backup then.
 I woke up this morning and leapt straight into Environmental Science homework. That took a good chunk of time even though it wasn't terribly difficult. This is a class I am taking because I am very concerned about the environment. I fall short n many ways as far as being green goes but the attitude of the US is dismal. I truly think that as a species we need to give some concentrated attention and behavior changing to our ways of dealing with the earth or we will not be here long.
Now, i say I leapt right into the Environmental Science homework, but in truth I sent an email to my history professor first. And it was merely a playful email, not really related to the class, but he had made a comment on an assignment I turned in (he liked it) and mentioned i would love the course. i mailed back that I was already enjoying it immensely and he wrote back "Sweet"  which for various reasons seemed to have tickled my brain so much that I got very little sleep caught in a thought tangent cloud that went EVERYWHERE. I felt that since he triggered it it was only fair he share in a small amount. I am curious to see what if any response there will be.
We have a quiz in history tomorrow, labeling the states on a blank US map. I have glanced at a map today and do not know how I am going to do on that. When I was a small child I knew them but I sure as heck don''t now. We also have a paper due tomorrow night and I have not yet done the requisite reading.
Then I will turn my attention to chemistry. I seriously need to work on conversions. I also need to memorize some prefixes, 35 element symbols and names from the periodic table, whether they are metals or non metals, some other definitions from the course, and I am not sure what else. I have chemistry lab homework due by Tuesday too.
Then there is CIS which i don;t expect to be difficult but which I expect to take up large, precious chunks of time. I resent it even though I know these skills would be good to know. I equate it with the LIB class, but I knw it's more useful. Ah Kim is here

Friday, August 9, 2013

Made a cherry cheesecake at about 2:30 am. Not normal, but tasty.

Would like to groom Sammie Sue today being as I am off and school is fast approaching. Would like to have her looking good before school starts. I'd like to assess how the work/school thing is going to go without having her in the background of my mind. On the other hand, I don't want to be pushy with Deb. Oh well.

It looks like my pregnant friend has found a job opportunity she is excited about. She is asking for help procuring some professional maternity clothes and I wish I could help her! I hate being broke always. She is also talking with her oldest sister again. I was really worried about that, but the rift was over a fairly serious matter. I don't know how that resolved but i am so glad they are talking! Looks like Bruce was right about more opportunities for her in a larger city with an established network.

My co-worker who was surrounded by the cops? And is being garnished? And the cops show up at the business owner's house? Apparently this is over $250 unpaid traffic fines. It seems wildly excessive to me! The guy is working 3 jobs and just lost his car. Wow.

Not sure what I will do today. Probably not a lot. Still tired, but not as tired as I was the past 2 days. Maybe I'll give Dude a bath.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Just a few minutes but I wanted to write a little bit of what's going on in my life. First I've been feeling pretty yucky physically. That sucks. But plugging on. Dropped my yoga and qigong and I am sorry about that but it is what it is. Still thinking I need to get back to juicing. But I haven't yet. Been working quite a bit. One of my co-workers is going through a wringer! I don't know him well but he looks so sweet and affable. He had asked me if I would work for him so he could go to a wedding in Salt Lake. he went, he enjoyed the wedding but his $2000 car's radiator went out and he ruined the head gaskets so it would need $4000 worth of repairs. THEN he came back on a shuttle and while at work the police showed up at work (I have heard this is because of outstanding traffic warrants) They waited there trying to get him in for about THREE HOURS and they also showed up en masse at the business owners house where she refused to talk to him. This sounds way more serious to me that outstanding traffic warrants but this is St George... Now they are garnishing his wages. The business owner was shocked that they had her cell phone number.Actually I find the whole thing pretty scary.

In other news without studying ONCE (I had intended too go over the whole physiology book and review algebra this summer but I got a job instead and did NO studying) I took the Kaplan test for admittance into the nursing program. I was not even going to take it since I hadn't prepared, but I thought at least i would have an idea of what to expect, so Ii took it and incredibly I passed it. Not with high marks (the highest anyone I know had heard of anyone getting was an 86, my score was 77, passing is 74.) I was, as I do, celebrating the fact that i passed and bemoaning my poor score when I asked a friend who did study what she got, she got 76. I can be insensitive. Anyway, that test is done and I submitted my application for the nursing program. I am supposed to know in about 10 days if I will be admitted for the Spring semester. I have to take and do well in chemistry this Fall or that would nix me. We shall see. I am increasingly worried about how i would be as a nurse. I am not high energy and I am squeamish. So I am wondering if I am in the right course of study. But I am proceeding, so I will let inertia carry me until I come up against a bad obstacle.. I want to be qualified to do SOMETHING that will support Bruce and me. I don't think he will be able to work again and I know he doesn't want to and it's my turn to support us, as soon as I can. So i have pressure there.

Emotionally I feel fragile and feel strained at the slightest stresses. I have been avoiding a loyal friend and I think this is because I am stressed. I need to contact her! And...My Favorite Person's daughter (I will never understand why he left her and her sisters, and it's not like I can ask) is entering the second trimester of pregnancy and she is homeless. Every in me screams to ask her if she would want to come stay with us. everything that is but respect for Bruce who does not like this idea. He pointed out that her family is up there. There are better services he thinks in a city. I really want to ask but I could not do it unless Bruce agreed. And he doesn't. Also I don't know what the relationship is like with the father of this child. I am remembering being young and thinking I was pregnant and how utterly alone I felt. Telling my dysfunctional family was not something I was looking forward to and the guy was about as caring about this as, well, he wasn't. Anyway i am thinking of this young woman and wishing i could do something to help her. I can all too easily imagine some of the things she might be feeling and a child is a huge responsibility. Well this is all I have time to write about now. Didn't get a lot said.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

July 7th 2013

Last night i did not sleep well. Was (am) worried about PJ, one of our three dogs. She is the happiest, most loving creature I have seen in my life. Of any species, bar none. Bruce and I have noticed a discoloration on her anus and we are scared it is something ----scary. I spent much of the night trying to figure out what to do. I am going to take her to the vet, hopefully Wed to have the vet look at it. Then hours trying to figure out my life and my past. It was a fairly articulate set of thoughts but as usual it seems to do nothing. When I got up this morning I played Candy Crush on Facebook so incessantly I was nearly not ready for an appointment I'd made to groom a friend's dog. It's a new puppy she thinks about 8 months old, sort of shih tzu sized but looking more, hmm Havanese? His name is Bob and they got him as a therapy dog for their autistic son. Their other son, the most energetic boy I have ever seen in my life LOVES Bob. Bob himself is a sweetie. He was great for everything which was wonderful as it was his first groom. I only have hot water in the garage, need to get a plumber out to fix that. I had to lock our dogs outside and bathe Bob in the kitchen sink. I don't have a noose there but Bob was a champion. i think he ENJOYED it. He never tried to get out, never fought n any part of the whole groom. He didn't LIKE having his ear hair pulled but he was good (and he had a ton in there. He was nervous about having his feet scooped but he tolerated it. He was great for have his nails clipped and dremeled (I really appreciated that Bruce replaced my dremel, a variable speed dremel that had devolved to only high speed which made it useless for dog nails. He later cleaned it and restored variable speeds) I told him he could have the new one bu he took the old one. After grooming Bob the Angel dog (for free as I don't have a home license) I decided to bathe our three large dogs. Dudie first. Dudie loved baths but he can't get into the tub anymore. I did them all with the hose on the driveway. Once he knew what was going on he was his usual good as gold self. And he LOVES being blow dried. PJ was next. She does NOT love being bathed or blow dried but she was pretty good for both. Jetty Lee was dying t get out there and her responses were comically variable. She soaked me when she clambered into my lap, soaking wet. Her pampas tail grass tail had some huge nasty mats in it which I removed. They are all clean and happy and i am exhausted. I love our dogs!The only other really notable thing about today was a conversation with my Mancub (met him as a 15 year old in an aol chat room and now he's 30 I think)I was his first trip away from home. And he stayed here another time too. His mom even came to visit. But it's Paul I am interested in. There is something about us that is the same and always has been. We were talking today about jealousy. And a little about college which I am very pleased he is now starting. Not thrilled that he plans to major in business, but it's his life. Long about now I am going to bed. Work tomorrow.

Friday, July 5, 2013


4th of July. My parents anniversary. I did not call my mom. I'm not even going to feel guilty about it. Much. I do feel guilty that I have not called my friend Grace. She needs to talk. I can tell. I just don't have any emotional reserve. not sure why. I know she is depressed and needs her friend. I feel very guilty not being there for her. I did send her the old clippers my friend Debbie gave her and a couple of dematting tools. Not what she needs though. This morning I woke up early and followed some tangents of thought. Noticed that Jim was up in the night too, or so it looked. had to fight a feeling that there was a connection in that. Fought hard. Lost. As always. Dreamed of Bruce last night. Dreamed he told me he wanted to "go home" for a year. I had no idea where he was calling home. Virginia? Florida? And he was all excited that he had a printing job lined up. I thought it was too much for him, it's very hard on the body. And I walked in while he was packing things that looked like bling...like sparklie navel gems and that sort of stuff to adorn women. I wondered if the Asian Pleasure Palace was one of his destinations. At some point in the dream I telephoned Steve. Only for a minute. I wondered if that was a reason Bruce wanted to leave. I was surprised in the dream that I had even done it. Somewhen evaporated and I believe i am peaceful about that even though I do miss that soul. This are just snippets of things I am thinking about.
Today I went to my qigong an yoga classes. I am sore now but felt so wonderful after them. I am (this is euphemistic) very far from where I would like to be there, but I figure I can only get better. I love the music. I really like the people. Benja showed us an article about her in a local magazine and it is another little puzzle piece about why I am gong to that yoga class. She asked one of the students, a finely sculpted blonde woman named Susan what she thought of the woman presented in that article. Susan, who I think is a lawyer and whose SUV type vehicle had 2 kayaks atop it as this was Susan's last class because she was in St George to care for her mom and now she is heading home to CA and hopes to settle in Sausilito. I noticed she had a green mat. For a lawyer (if i heard that right) she has a VERY "green, heart chakra feeling. She looks as innocent and open as a meadow of flowers in the summer. She went outside after the class into Benja's front yard or side yard where the koi pond and waterfall beautiful son are. She peeked in the door and beckoned at one point then disappeared outside again. When she reentered I think she was talking to me when she said she had wanted me to see the flowers. I am still not sure she meant me though! Joan, the 86 year old lady who has nothing less than panache also kicks ASS in yoga and qigong. That lady would be inspirational but her ancientness adds to it and somehow makes me deeply happy. She is awesome. Oh, I was telling "you" a story. I do ramble from tangent to tangent. Anyway, Benja asked Susan what she thought of the article. It told of Benja's upbringing in Thailand and the poverty and lack of free expression of affection. It had some rembrances of things that had happened to her and how after a fairly unhappy childhood she entered a monastery at 18 to serve the monk (roots of her chefhood) but  left when she realized she was feeling more for the monk than I guess she deemed proper. She became a teacher and somehow met Mormon missions, converted to the LDS religion and served a mission herself. then she married one of the missionaries she had met. The story was touching and Susan summed it nicely saying she go that Benja was inspirational. My own mind was concocting what i would have said if I had been asked. I would have said something like. well I do not know the woman well yet, but I have had some tangential introductions. The first I ever heard of Benja was a trip to your restaurant in Ancestor Square. I was pleased by the look of it, the decor is opulent yet simple, the light is beautiful and the music is superb. Your spring rolls are the best I have ever had, light crisp and non greasy. I LOVE the Tom Ka Khi soup. In fact all of the food is enjoyable by all the senses and the atmosphere is homey. Your staff is the most attentive, courteous and interesting set of people I have ever met in a restaurant. Each has seemed unhurried and exquisitely attentive to dining needs and human wishes. I had quite a memorable conversation with one of the waiters, a man who travels between Utah and New Zealand homes,speaks 7 languages fluently, is going for his PhD and is as friendly and kind hearted a person as one could hope to meet. And I have met your beautiful son. What you have revealed of your life story suggests a woman who believes in love and nurturing yet maintains a strong sense of self and an integrity to be herself, preferring freedom to be that over any form of ownership. I like the details of your home, the fact that your living room has little furniture yet is full of people in relaxed poses. I like the set of candid large black and white photos of you on the wall. They are celebratory of you as a person without seeming egotistical. Your landscape is full of flowers, light, water and loveliness. And when you yourself speak there is a kindly light in your eyes and soft, barely suppressed laughter in your voice.  You are not a woman one would draw in breath an say, "She is so beautiful!" at first glance, but as the eye watches you are full of grace, balance and delicacy as you practice yoga or qigong. You have a powerful but not overbearing presence, even when simply sitting with your unassuming regal posture. I look forward to knowing more of your story.

Also on my mind is work. I am enjoying it. When it is not busy and Lorena is there we have played with nail art, made no bake cherry cheesecake, juiced and made smoothies and told stories to each other. I like the other people too. One encounter was fascinating and I am still pondering it. This co-worker is a stranger but came in and started telling me things about his life people don't usually tell strangers. It was not untoward, just really unexpected and I felt sort of honored and liked him even better than i had. unusual exchange. And another co-worker turned 71. he doesn't seem 71. He's very friendly and fun to be around. I made chicken salad for him. All of the employees seem to be interesting people with great quirks. As I say I am enjoying myself!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

well, won't be writing much because the music Bruce is listening to does not allow for concentration. Funny, when he s writing he gets so upset at any errant noise. Oh well.

anyway. midlife crisis? It doesn't feel so crisis-y. Feels more like a wish to make what time I have left in this life as meaningful, deep and true as i can. But what direction? I'm liking school, but not so sure nursing is what I want to do. Proceeding in that direction until I have a better idea though. I don't actually feel bad about not having a career type goal, that is my personality. I would never work at a regular job if I didn't need money. I might be impassioned about volunteering, I would certainly be making my own explorations. But this need I feel to reassess is not so much about career direction as it is about  being true to my personal life. Which is a bit amusing because I can't remember ever feeling less sure that my (or anyone's) life has a purpose beyond what we choose to imbue it with, but I am feeling a pressing wish to know myself better and act in a way that is true to that knowledge.

I've held some strange ideas in my life. When I was a young child I was CERTAIN I was going to be present at "the end of the world" whatever that might actually mean. I don't know, but I don;t think that is a typical kind of thought pattern for a young child. The way the world is going I am remembering that certainty more and more often with a mix of amusement and dread. I am surely no survivalist, thought I would be grateful if i had sufficient skills to live off the grid and bow out of society for the most part. But the idea of surviving in a post apocalyptic world isn't really appealing to mean. I think I'd rather be shot than to shoot someone. Circumstances might show me different than what i think. I really hope not to have to explore that tangent.
And the closest thing I ever felt to a life purpose was clearly in error. I wasted a lot of time believing that idea. Removed a lot of opportunities from my life. Done is done but I have a tenuous future and I wish to live it as fully as possible. So I am trying to disentangle myself from old patterns and ideas and assumptions. I think I will go through a period of self scrutiny and more than usual noticing what I am doing, what i am thinking. I am hoping my actions change and that I feel freer in many respects. Free to take chances and to make mistakes and to interact meaningfully and deeply with other people. I have good relationships but there's not a current one that is as deep or intimate as what I would like to have given choice. I miss feeling really connected to another being. Not that i exactly know what I mean here. I am in a relationship with Bruce and I feel that could well last till the end of our lives, but either f us would admit that it is not as intimate as we would like and we have many good aspects, but cannot seem to connect to each other on the levels we would like to. I don't think I am meaning to create a, what would you say, soulmate ? relationship in this life. I am too muddy for that and would never do anything to hurt Bruce. On the other hand I do not feel "forever" in this relationship. I could be in error, we may deepen as I change. But we seem to have different ideas about time, about what happens after this life. And I have as long as I have known myself wished for a mutually desired permanent connection. That ideal may be fictional. I don't know. I am not sure that part is so important at the moment as polishing my life and living closer to the values i most deeply hold.

I need to learn, for instance, when to say yes and when and how to say no. Most people have better mastery of those skills than I do. I find myself really interesting in things like environment, food and water supply, ethical behavior between humans and other species in large and small groups. I feel a need to better care for my body and to learn to move. I have plenty of areas I I would like to focus my attention on. I want to be far less fearful and far less conventional than I am.

This is what I am thinking about now

Friday, June 21, 2013

you can walk down the street and see your neighbor
you can recognize your neighbor.

maybe they are beautiful
maybe they are wholesome

your neighbor can have infinite qualities
you are not twined with your neighbor.

they have utter freedom to be who they are
to do what they like
to make their bonds or walk free as they please

what is that to you?

that is what I intend to achieve.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Thought I was going to write today but I wen to yoga and qi gong classes today and it fairly wiped me out but I am happy. I think I am in a good spot just now. I got asked to work tomorrow morning and then I have lunch plans with a friend after work so not sure if I will get a chance to write much tomorrow! I still need to bake some, send clippers to Grace and start studying for the Kaplan!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Swallowed by the ache

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Making broccoli cauliflower cheese soup. Thinking of adding yams to it since I have a whole bag of organic yams. I really couldn't remeber what yams tasted like. I knew I always liked the ones my mom made at Thanksgiving, but those came from a can and were drowned in butter, marshmallow, brown sugar.....I had a huge one outside the bag. I decided that would be lunch. So I cooked it (in the microwave which is probably not optimal health wise and added some butter and a little salt. I was delighted to find it was delicious! And.... the dogs went politely wild. Dudie was as close as he could politely be, with a certain avid lovelight in his eyes. Jetty Lee was sitting straight up looking rapt, doing her Southern Belle thing. " These be FINE vittles" emanating from her. For once PJ was the furthest away but she was equally enthused. I checked to make sure yams are ok for dogs and they are not JUST ok, they are good for them! So.... that's really good and interesting to know! They acted like they were the finest of treats (and Jetty Lee is a picky girl, but I notice she has some healthy tastes. For instance she loves pecans from the back yard, but turns her nose up at doughnuts (which Dude LOVES) and all bready things. Bruce looked at my enormous yam with clear distaste and something of incredulity on his face. Yes I (we) ate it...and YES! We liked it!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Start a part time job tomorrow that I may be able to keep during school. Rather anxious about how it will work but need the money even if it's not much. Very grateful a friend thought of me.

Monday, May 27, 2013

hahaha! just invited my "Mancub" to come make Mounds and soup with me.... Apparently he's got a broken heart. I was his first trip away from home when he was 15 years old and he and his mom came back for a visit after that. He's 28 years old now and I would love to see him again. Bruce might not be so happy as he is wishing for as simple and meditative a life as possible.
Oh yeah! Nice dream of a bay colt last night. I think it was Lucky. : )
PJ Harvey jumped onto the bed, and as she does encircled my head with her chunky body and commenced to kissing. There's nothing like this that I've ever experienced. She has such a strong, good vibration! It's liike being told in a very bodily way ' I LOVVVE YOU! I'm gonna make sure your day starts out right! And she succeeds. Every time. I lavished in love for awhile then got up to make sure the trash was out. It wasn't so i took it. Finally swept up the hair from Jetty Lee's scalping, medicated the Dude who is now refusing even chicken. Had to manually put it down his throat and wait through several fake swallows. Then I gave them all warm hot dog. (no accounting for taste) which put me back in Dudie's good graces. I deadheaded the roses, enjoyed the spicy intoxication of jasmine and made a grocery list for my broccoli cauliflower cheese soup, the homemade mounds bars for Bruce (an experiment) pumpkin and zucchini bread. i have most of what i need. I keened at my broke-ness because Bountiful Baskets has 12# of honey in a glass jar for $32 and 16# of bing cherries for $26! I just got 1 organic box. Alas! Those cherries looked SOOOOOO GOOD last week!

Then, it was still early and my knees, especially the left one now hurt like a mf so i went back to bed and listened to Wallace Stegner's "Angle of Repose" for awhile.. I checked my phone when I saw a message and wonder of wonders...a friend asked if i might be interested in a very pt job. I AM. Bruce will be thrilled! More on that later if it comes to be.

I'm watering and looking at the strawberry plants and the blooming pomegranate trees. The birds were out in full force this morning but not so much now. I am mostly hearing water and dog snores. I made myself a pineapple grapefruit and ginger juice and I have to say, the pineapple and ginger really ARE effective for me for pain and to combat inflammation. That just makes me happy! I don;t like taking pills if i can help it.

Don't know what else is in store for the day except the shopping, soup, bread and mounds making. Planning on making tacos tonight for Bruce.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Got to talk to my friend Jaime today! He tried to give me a very cute kitten, but I told him my own poor cat lives a cloistered life because of Jetty Lee. He got a juicer and is going to try juicing! I am going to send him a recipe book and I am going t send him some zucchini bread (hes not starting the juicing till his grand niece gets home). He loves zucchini bread. I may make pumpkin bread too and I will make broccoli cauliflower cheese soup
I did well on my finals except statistics where i got a C (could not find the formulas that applied to the problems and I was sooooo crispy) that took me from straight A's to A's and a B+. Disappointing but oh well. Next semester I am taking chemistry, CIS (a computer literacy class) History  and an Environmental Science class I am taking solely because it interests me. The rest are all goal oriented. I SUCK at being goal oriented. I will miss not having an English class next semester and i will miss not having a physiology class (pathophysiology is my next phys class but it will have to wait for Spring. Last night I dreamed of my physiology (also anatomy) teacher. It was a fun dream and I wish I could remember it better. He was trying to teach me to think on my feet and there were real life tests (the only one i can remember was that i was supposed to find medium blue marbles (has to be from Bruce's marble art). II wish I could remember the dream because it was detailed and relevant but I can't...just the stupid marble part and I came up with little blue Christmas balls!.

This summer I need to study for the Kaplan test to enter the nursing program... Unfortunately there are several 'Kaplan tests" and in my meeting with the nursing advisor (I was SO not impressed) she failed to specify the name of the test in detail. I have to take that test this summer. I hope I choose the right study guide.

On Facebook I just left a slew of links on my 2012 Presidential candidates Facebook page when he asked if  (paraphrased) if GMOs have some merit. Having participated yesterday in the March Against Monsanto I have some really strong feelings on the matter. I think of Monsanto as Corpified Evil. But then, I find that I am against the idea of corporations and capitalism all round. Which is rather an inconvenient stance to hold in our society. I wonder how and if i will ever be employed again. Money makes the world go round, they say... and I hate it. Just hate it. meanwhile one has to live. Or not. I can't seem to squelch the or not idea, which I've had since about 20. Nor can I seem to get over the origination of that thought. In fact I still find myself thinking or crying about it which makes me so mad I guess I just live on. Oh well...we all have our baggage.

I aim for happiness. still trying to incorporate juice, fresh fruits and vegetables into my life. Still wondering if I will ever learn to garden. I AM getting good at making fresh soup which pleases me but which often contains ingredients, like cheese, that I am trying to avoid. Though...I'd like to make cheese. from raw milk. But overall I would like to get to organic fruits vegetables and nuts. I find myself becoming increasingly charged about politics, especially as it affects things like food supply, environment, and wild horses. Probably if you are a tar sands pipeline proponent or you think that fracking has any value to the world besides to the corporations that make scads of money not apparently caring about the destruction they leave in their wake, you and I are going to go round. Essentially I think we are living smack dab in the middle of one of the dystopian novels I read as a teen and shivered at the horribleness of. And the screws are tightening.

I am grateful for Bruce, my dogs and my friends and I hope I show them how much they mean to me. Dude's still on Prozac. I don;t think he likes it. Bruce  (who didn;t like it when he was taking it) thinks he is doing better on it as far as less licking. He thinks we should be giving Jetty Lee the Prozac as she is the likely source of Dude's agitation. Meanwhile I continue to medicate poor Dude and I know he hates that process.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Just checking in. I have so many things i would like to write about because writing helps me really explore things, but it's finals time at school and I am unprepared so I don;t have time to think much. Isn't that funny? In school but no time to think!

Our good old Dude got prescribed Prozac the other day. I am really concerned about giving it to him but he is licking large wounds into all four of his legs now. He has a latent skin infection and his vet has been his vet for years but the other day was the first time he said Dude is causing these infections by the licking. I thought it was some kind of infection that spontaneously arouse, at unpredictable intervals from some internal stimulus. he's asked if Dude is stressed before. Dude is high strung for a lab, bu he lives as idyllic a life as I can imagine. Bruce thinks the girls, particularly Jetty Lee henpeck him and yes, Jetty is a bossy little thing on occasion but I really didn;t see that as a factor. Anyway, Dude is bad about taking pills so for YEARS we've been going with Convenia shots which are a time release antibiotic. The shots are about $130 apiece and it usually takes three of them at 2 week intervals to clear the infection. Then we don;t know how long we have till it flares again. This time the vet really suggested giving him antibiotics orally (much less expensive and I know he tries to consider that, but I am wondering now if there are efficacy questions too) as well as the generic Prozac. I worry a LOT about playing with brain chemistry. And it will apparently take a good amount of time just to see how it affects him. And I can't just quit the drugs cold turkey. This has me angsting over what is right. But we LOVE Dude (and Jetty Lee and PJ ) and we would do whatever we could for any one of them. If antidepressants stopped dude from licking himself raw and he remained his good, happy self, I guess that would be a good outcome. Talking to people (just a little) who have taken Prozac though makes me wonder what psychological effect it might have. And I can only go by behavior. Dude has no way to tell me other than behavior how he feels about the whole thing. Three days in and I am not noticing any negative effect, so far.

Anyway, addressing things on my mind in small doses and I guess this is all i have time for.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Right now I should be trying to do statistics homework. But no. Here I am. Venting. I wonder if I will ever be done venting. I see fissures in barren lands spewing poisonous gasses. How many millenia till there is green there again?
Nowadays, when I go to bed, I just want sleep. I used to cherish the time before sleep as a time of fanciful thought. Now, just sleep please. But do I get it? No! I twist and contort in the throes of what even I is unresolveable. Like some live bug already ruined by sap that will become amber. Fighting even when movement and breath is impossible. Same. Old. Thing. yesterday, all day I was full of these thoughts, and the sadness, the anger, the feeling of waste and, is it betrayal? I don;t even want to argue. There's nothing to say TO the other person. people go by what is the deepest wish of their hearts. Even I know there is absolute good man ely no point to be made at all in arguing or even expressing this. I find it amusing that I have managed to live through, without terrible damage, sexual molestation, control scenarios ...pretty much name it, but not one ANCIENT, for the other person eminently move-onable relationship. I am quite sure NOTHING I endure in life will ever have the effect on me or cause me the pain and shrinking of self that this one loss has. Not death, nothing. And I am up in the nights wondering if this is mental illness. It could well be! I turn sleeplessly talking to a person who can never listen, and still bound to that soul, in whom I still see all the beauty even recognizing the callowness (toward me, I don't judge further than that, well maybe I do, I feel such amusement at the assertions of his "feminism", so maybe I do) Anyway hours pass and really, I just want to go to sleep. It is an exercise that affects no one but me. Then again maybe that is not so true either. The good man in the other room is affected. By a certain aloofness, by a lack of confidence, full engagement. But that's a long term effect, mulling it, what good does this do I wonder, trapped in the dynamic of it, wishing to express something (what IS it that I would really like this other to know? I can't for the life of me determine THAT) Finally I give up, knowing that once again it will be a sleepless night. And then I remember My Favorite Person. I remember the night he stopped me, on the very short walk from car to apartment and engaged me in purely friendly conversation under the stars in the shadows of snowy Salt Lake mountains not randomly but not with a specific intent. And I, so really ruined I mistrusted any person with a penis who would talk to me only wondered what that was about and speculated on the socioeconomic CASTE of this person and how unexpected the topics of that conversation was. i did not ever ever expect anything like it to be repeated. I had my "not open" vibe down pretty pat. So when I herd that knock on my very door and answered and there he was, as far as I could tell, just a human with no expectations I was puzzled but I found myself up for that. And the wonderful nights of conversation which sent me to work looking like a raccoon, but a happy one.
Last night I remembered a time we went driving. I can't consciously recall where we were now, I think near Morgan. I think we may have even eaten at The Spring Chicken. We were just driving. And it was wonderful. he asked me to pull over, which I would not have done for anyone else seeing it was on a highway. But I did and we hiked up a little hill. I could, of course, still hear the occasional rush of cars. There wasn't a lot of traffic. But that world faded away, even though there was still the sounds of traffic now and then. Have you ever read Carlos Castenada? I have. And enjoyed the books though I was quite sure I would be unhappy in Castenada's actual presence. But there was something akin to that in this experience. Like Stopping the World. The quality of the very sunlight was so palapable. Like it was from a purer more natural time. Like it was nourishing us then and there. Quietly gently but richly. The hill was covered with sage in bloom. Just sage. Not a garden of earthly delights. But it was so alive and bees (which normally make me a bit nervous) were buzzing around. It was very, I can;t think of a better word than happy. It was like being in another world. And we just stayed on this hill for a very long time. At one point he picked some sage leaves and asked me to do so to and he crushed the in his hands and so did I. It was fragrant I remember. he rubbed the crushed sage and my hands and arms and told me it would work as mosquito repellent. We didn;t talk a lot. We mainly just stood there enjoying the feel of this experience that felt outsdie the usual world. At one point as the sun was lowering and I could see distinct shafts of lazy but living and energetic light he stood behind me and put his arms around me. It was the first time he ever did that and it was so unexpected and so beautiful and while it was unusual it felt so natural and right. We just stood there like that till the sun was nearly gone. then we left. After remembering this last night. I slept. Do you think it was just my own memory? Or was that compassionate spirit there?

Monday, February 25, 2013

Determined to make chicken and dumplings Bruce likes. He isn't a big eater. he's a hardly- eater! But he likes chicken and dumplings. This is not food I grew up with. So I am not good at making it. Had a dish of it in Plains GA once that was purely DELICIOUS. I've never come close to making it like that, but now I understand why people like it. Bruce likes it plain. No celery. No onions. No pepper. Pretty much just chicken, broth and very thin rolled out dumplings. It sounds so simple! But you cannot imagine how I've managed to fuck this up. But trying it again. I also got stuff to make him some homemade chili (I am successful at THAT) and I am going to try homemade Swedish meatballs. With me predominantly juicing and souping and nutting Bruce has resorted to frozen food and I just HATE that. It's really unhealthy. He talks about dying much much too often and I am afraid he is going to DO it. I'd like him to take an interest in his health. I certainly want to be more proactive about MINE. It is so weird. the fruits and vegetables work for me, but for some reason I am resistant. Yesterday I found myself eating Oreos which I don't even LIKE. It makes no sense to me why I would sabotage myself, but I am still doing much better than I ever have before. I have to figure out why I am fighting being healthy. I do intend to juice fast over the summer!!
Bruce laughed at me for the organic chicken and organic chicken broth. I try to get everything as organic and as cruelty free as I can. The thought of eating some poor creature from a CAFO makes me literally iill. It is not good for the creatures. It isn't good for us.I am eating very little meat nowadays but when I do I want it to have lived as happy free and natural a life as it could. And this horse meat debacle has got me just cringing. I hate that my species is so exploitative. Horses are friends, not food! I wish with all my heart I had the means to adopt five mustangs...and a place to keep them happily.A little homestead. With a garden. Oh well.
School news... I had hoped to take the statistics test Sunday but I am not prepared. I've got about a week though. I could take the next psychology test now and do well. Mine was, once again, the high score in that class. But that ain't saying much. Now the physiology test had me really really nervous. I hadn't gotten the material to my satisfaction and found myself on test day madly studying in the library. I didn't even want to see my study group because I had so much ground to cover. I did see Smart Guy, and he made me smile. Canvas went down just as I was trying to review the power points for the third of three chapters. That library is always freezing but at least there is light. As it was I tried to study some in my car then just gave up and went to take the test. I had to worry incessantly for DAYS because there was a hand drawn extra credit portion. But results came in last night and I got 101 (he builds in some extra credit.) The high score was 108. I went from a 115.5% in the class to 108.3%. I need to focus better. But still, this is good. Right now in the classes with a grade a have solid As. English doesn't have a grade yet and that worries me and physiology lab...well I don;t have an A there and that pisses me off. But a LOT of people are plain flunking it. However, I need an A to progress. Alright this is turning into a rather unpleasant post and the chicken part of the chicken and dumplings is starting to smell good. I think I had better make the dumpling dough.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I have statistics homework, statistics class, physiology class and a physiology test today. Not at all ready for the physiology test. Hoping I can cram enough to take it before it closes. Well, I have to take it. But I mean, successfully. Went to bed early to try to get some good sleep but dreamed sadly. Seems like it was all night. Only remember one dream but they were all about he who I always dream of. And I get the impression they were all sad. In the one I remember we were both at the same college, he had been there a long time and I was new. I had my dogs with me ( a bright spot) Somehow I had to sleep in the halls and he would walk right past me, awake or asleep (I always knew when he was near) and not even speak. Pretty much like real life actually so again, I think of cutting that thread of connection. Thing is, it would not change a thing for me if I did. I will never be unaware. I will never quit feeling connected. Still I probably should. Anyway, it's not what I need to be thinking about right this second. Right this second I need to be thinking of statistics.

Monday, February 18, 2013

one of my favorite songs, one of my favorite singers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_EuzTMeZms

Sunday, February 17, 2013

This is hard for me to write about. It keeps skittering around in my mind then when I try to focus I get so wound up I can't form cogent thoughts. I could have easily killed someone on Friday. It started out as a day I knew would be stressful. I had a psychology test and a statistics test to take. I was pretty confident about the psychology test, though not sure I would get an A, but the statistics test....no. Not prepared. We are allowed technology in the class but the instructor at the beginner said we'd be fine with a calculator that cost about $10. I bought one that was about $18 and said statistics and hoped it would do. It didn't. I have a TI89 but that has to be programmed for statistical functions and that is beyond me, especially with the class running and me getting further and further behind. I do not feel the instructor explains terms well. For me, anything to do with math is a foreign language and it is not going to just sink in effortlessly. He tends to say, this is mu, point to the symbol and think we've got it. Well I don't get it! The actual math part of statistics is pretty easy, but the concepts and the vocabulary and identifying which formula to use are not so easy. We're allowed excel too, but I am not conversant with it. Trying to learn. Anyway, to shorten this some, all these deficits of mine were on my mind and so was the realization that I had not been able to do some of the homework because i couldn't figure out how to work the calculator or excel to do it and I was unsuccessful doing it by hand. I figured I had long stressful hours ahead of me.
I was invited to go walking and accepted the invitation just when a fellow psychology student messaged that he would be interested in studying. He was planning on being at the library building at 10. I texted my walking friend to see if we could go at 8:45 instead of 9 and she said sure, but when she wasn't there by 5 till I cancelled and just ate breakfast and prepared to go to the library. I took my psychology books and my math books and the newest (FOURTH) calculator that I have, planning to study statistics after i took the psychology test. The statistics class closed at 10 so I was literally fretting the hours at 10 in the morning!
Only Joshua and I showed up for the study group which amazed me because a LOT of people failed the first exam and my 92 was the high score on that test. I even posted my own completed study guide in a class discussion, referenced with page numbers where I found what I thought were the answers and an invitation to study. I thought there might be a good number of takers. But nope. Just me and Joshua. He wanted to wait for a few minutes to see if anyone else came and I was chomping at the bit to get started, but we waited a little. still no one else. We found a study room and he posted to the class where we were in case anyone else decided to come but no one else did. We were there I'd guess for about two and a half hours before we felt like we were as prepared as we were going to be for the test. Joshua's car was elsewhere on campus so since we were both planning to take the test right then I offered to drive. The testing center is close to the campus, Joshua thinks about 4 blocks. I could have turned in and gone the back way and I wish I had. But no, I decided to go in nearest the doors. The left turn was too hectic though, to make INTO the center. People were driving fast and all over. I decided it would be safer to turn left. I thought there was an inlet on that street which had far less traffic. There wasn't an inlet so I saw I needed to turn around. I checked the streets, Nothing coming from behind, the cross streets seemed clear, a white pickup going the opposite way. The turning radius on the Buick is not that good to when the truck cleared I turned right and then into the intersection, a very wide u-turn. Well, I thought it was clear. At the last possible second I saw there was a motorcycle that was coming from behind me. For an instant I thought he would be clear. But no. I felt the impact as he hit my car. We leapt out and he was on the ground. I had the most horrible fear. He was dazed but got up fairly quickly. I was so grateful he was wearing his helmet and all I could think was that I could have killed him. I never saw him till it was too late. My phone was in my trunk (I don;t take it into the testing center) so a witness called the police. The guy (58 years old) only seemed to have a scratch on his arm, I couldn't believe nothing worse than that. I begged him to go to the hospital in case he were injured in a way we couldn't see but he wouldn't. It took a long time for the police to get there. The dispatcher had asked if he wanted an ambulance and he declined. We couldn't move his Harley (big big Harley) to the side of the road, something was bent and it wouldn't move forward. I was flashing to seeing Bruce riding his bike, seeing others i know and love on bikes or scooters ...always thinking how much WORSE this could have been. I think of myself as a safe driver. i wear seatbelts. I haven't had a ticket since I have lived here and for years before that. I have a driver's license and insurance. (I kept thinking about my anger, still pretty hot about the meth lady who hit me and broke my wrist who had none of those things.) Still...I wished I could be on the other side of this accident. The knowledge that i had harmed a person with a car was HUGE in my mind. Joshua stayed for a long time, even though i told him he should go take his test. After it was all over, in shock, I went and took the test too. I noticed Joshua was still there.I went through it so fast i have no idea how I did, but I finished before Joshua then waited for him. He didn't want a ride back to the school (gee, I wonder why) but I went and tried to study for statistics. So many things, some that might seem unrelated kept passing through my mind. I even wondered if i was monstrous for being there studying as I had originally planned but couldn't think of anything more sensible to do. I got some stuff somewhat understood and the library closed at 6. I tried studying in my car as it was getting dark but that was difficult. I finally decided, Fuck it! I'm just going to go take the test. So I did. That test is on the computer. I learned right away I got 95%. Highest score for me on a math test. Like...ever. Couldn't really enjoy it though. And more thoughts and prayers when I got home. I went to bed really early. A friend suggested I try to fight the ticket. I am NOT planning to fight an improper u turn ticket!!! I could have KILLED a person. Yesterday I saw where a cyclist in St George was injured and life flighted. Today there was a story of an motorcyclist being injured on St George Blvd and having to be hospitalized.. I am so grateful this accident didn't go that way. But I am so aware of how hard it is to see these vehicles. If they are in front of me i give them a very long distance. But this one was behind me. When I got him Bruce told me that what I had done was the leading cause of death for motorcyclists. There but for the grace of God...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Just finished a batch of statistics homework. Taking a little break before I review the study guide for psychology. I need to take the psychology test (it opens tomorrow and is open for almost a week but I want it OVER) and I  have to take the statistics test tomorrow, that's going to take my whole day to study for. The physiology test is Wed Thurs. Wed I am in school till nearly 8 so need to take it Thursday. I have a lot of studying to do there! I will have to check to see what's due in other classes. Right now I just need to concentrate on statistics and getting psychology out of my way. It's after 11 o'clock and Bruce isn't ready for dinner yet! I told him I'd make him a BLT and some fried mushrooms. I made homemade tomato soup tonight. Tomatoes, onions, those little red Italian peppers, jalapenos, garlic, ginger, celery, parsley and cilantro seasoned with sea salt, pepper and cardamon. I did add evaporated milk for creaminess. I am hoping the jalapenos bloom overnight as they did in my butternut squash soup. I've never been one to tolerate spicy food, but I find myself craving spices lately. Weird. Well this is enough of a break. I want to be conscious for psychology and then there is Bruce's dinner! He was disappointed that his Valentine's gift to me did not come. I really don't need a gift. I appreciate him enough. But it is very sweet he got me something. He won't tell me what it is. He did just tell me he put 2 movies on the Netflix queue he thought I'd enjoy, one about Dennis Banks who co-founded AIM and one about Leonard Cohen. I am sure I will enjoy them both. Our next excursion in Creative Nonfiction Writing is going to be nature writing. So today I used some Audible.com credits and procured two books by Edward Abbey and one by Annie Dillard. If I have any time!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's funny. Bruce and I were talking about dreams yesterday and he asked me about erotic dreams and what I dream about. Often I write my dreams. Most of my dreams, that I usually don't detail closely, either because I don't remember them or because what I do remember of them just makes me sad are about one person. I can't seem to resolve the loss I felt and the effect the person has/ had on me and so I end up either awake thinking about it for hours or I dream, but usually can't remember much except an emotional intensity and almost always great sadness. When Bruce asked me about fantasies and erotic dreams I had to laugh rather ruefully. I cannot remember having any. ANY! That's sad. I think I have a reason for this, but I'm not 100% sure of the accuracy of it. I think that one relationship took so much of my confidence and my belief in what I think of as true love -though here are many kinds of true love ( I am just talking about the kind between men and women where it lasts forever, which is I guess my deep soulwish. Don't get me wrong. I believe in it for OTHER people. Just not for myself after that one relationship) I guess I just don't dream erotically after that. Bruce sure does. He has all kinds of adventures and fantasies in his dreams. He's quite free in his. And lots of them are very erotic. I think my basic makeup strongly connects love and commitment with sex and therefore if I do not love, I don't think of sex. I know. it's weird. Especially because I know myself to be a very sexual person. I can't explain better. Anyway, I just wanted to say I actually had a dream last night that I woke up happy after. In it I got to see Miles. He had hair in at least part of it. And what hair! It was thick and black and cut in non concentric circles of varying length on his head in what I would guess were tribal patterns. I was going on a roadtrip with a friend. I think it was Tracy but I am not sure. We were going to some wild spot and who but Miles should pull up next to us in a tan truck! I was very excited and wanted him to come along. My companion did not, but somehow i communicated to him where we were going and, as I knew he would be, he was there. I can't remember the details of the trip, I just remember being happy. And, as a kind of Godjoke, there was a scene of Miles naked in a bathtub which I guess is as close to erotica as I'm gonna get.I LEFT when I saw him in there, but the image does linger. Miss that body.  Made me laugh. Probably this is a post I should not have made, but its proximity to a couple of things, including the dream talk with Bruce yesterday made me want to write it.  

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Yesterday was a very nice day. Today I didn't wake up till 10 am and that was due to an emotional dream. I can;t remember WHY it was emotional just the who and probably it being undetailed is better. I haven't slept so late in forever! I think I could have stayed in bed all day. But i didn't. I got some chores, but no homework done. I enjoyed memories from yesterday, mostly Bruce chasing me around with a "fanny whacker" I got that reminded me of one my grandma gave my mom. Strange little poem on it. It was never used on me, but it probably was on David. Poor kid got spanked a LOT. Anyway, Bruce was tying to administer 53 swats and a pinch (I told him no one wants me to grow an inch...he had no idea what I was talkin about-in my neighborhood it was "a pinch to grow an inch and a smile to grow a mile" In his apparently it was "a pinch for luck" Anyway we were cavorting through the house laughing as he tried this. It was fun!
I ate butternut squash soup several times today- the jalapenos bloomed during the night an I found the stuff quite enchanting. Only had on juice today- pineapple, grapefruit and ginger. So good!!! Like drinking a sunny day. I was drinking it watching a few little flurries of snow. Big pretty flakes. The snow didn't last long. I enjoyed the flowers I got yesterday and some music, started off in a Janis Joplin mood. This evening I had a spate of texts. An older friend who is quite worried about his prostate and doesn't want surgery he thinks he may need... a friend who is sick.... (I ran her over some of both kinds of soup I made yesterday- almost before i got home she had texted the chicken noodle was delicious- I said, "you're fast!" she countered with, "I was HUNGRY!" Pleased me that she liked it. It was a fairly quiet day. Some undertones. But mostly light. I would prefer to be light and playful and focus my attention on the people who love me. Speaking of that, I need to call my mom and find out if she has YET tried her juicer. I am so grateful for mine!. I love eating healthier and learning more about how to care well for myself. Today I went to the store for bags (soup distribution) and to replace that Hershey bar i gave to a friend last night. I'd asked Bruce first if he wanted it and I thought he said no but he had wanted it. He was a little sad, but good natured about it. So I was thinking about his sweet self and got him the candy an a card which I will give to him later. I really appreciate him and his love and our little furry family He fed Bitty last night. Bet she appreciated seeing him. I love him for his tender heart. And I love our babies. I gave the dogs nice meaty bones today and just revelled in the sounds of their contented crunching. Well sleepy now. I think I will go to bed.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I had a very nice day, with tulips and roses and glittery shoes and much love from friends. Instead of doing homework which I SHOULD have done I made soup from some of my new veggies. I made chicken noodle soup to which I did add some garlic which made poor Bruce turn on the kitchen fan AND light sandalwood incense. I knew he would not TRY the soups in any case. The man likes Campbells. Le sigh. my fingers actually hurt from removing tiny thyme leaves from the woody stalks. I grated my hand pretty good as i was grating fresh ginger.... Bruce thought i was going to eviscerate myself trying to saw through butternut squashes. I decided to use all three and I wish I wouldn't have because unlike all the other foodstuffs in those baskets except maybe the non roma tomatoes the butternut squashes were not quite ripe. And old SI friend, oh don;t ask, but this is my alone space so you weren't thinking of asking anyway directed me through the process an provided me with a recipe. This here recipe. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Butternut-Squash-Soup-with-a-Kick/Detail.aspx. Some of the ingredients are not on my new list of foods to eat but I figured, it's my birthday! And I wasn't have cake! I followed the recipe pretty closely except that I tripled it and then only used 2 jalapenos. I am nervous about potentially hot stuff. The soup came out good but a little bland. Laura later told me my Butternut squashes were a little unripe and that she BAKES them before scooping them out of their skins. Woulda been good to know! She also said she adds ground cloves, and nutmeg to the mix. I added those and threw in cinnamon so I have a slightly dessert like creamy soup that is a bit bland but good. I might try it again sometime. But I really want to make Tom Kha Kai (most online recipes for it call it Tom Kha Gai or just Tom Kha. Another SI friend Donna gave me another recipe using Butternut squash and that sounded very good too.
Ah new foods to eat. Right. Well III still want to do a 60 day juice fast. And I clearly see the benefits to me by basing my diet mostly on juice. But with school schedule it's very difficult. I keep a cooler in  my car trunk and on the mornings I have tome to make juice I will, but it tastes INFINITELY better to me fresh, so that's a problem. I've decided to try the juice fast over summer break. But really I want to drink mostly juice now and stick otherwise to soup and salad and nuts. I am eating more nutritiously than I have EVER in my life.
As I say it was a nice day with many friends extending good wishes on facebook or texting or coming over. I felt very loved today, which was nice. My friend Rebecca brought 3 of her sons! I think I need to go to bed now. I am quite sleepy and starting to think in circles. Night Night.

I am 53 today! Doesn't seem like a long time. I had planned to get up early to volunteer at the Bountiful Baskets pick up site. But I didn't get out of bed early enough. When I got there to pick my fruits and veggies up I was surprised to learn that I had ordered FIVE baskets instead of the THREE I thought I had. Makes the $120 I spent a much better value! And, most of mine is organic which is an extra charge. Those are just some representational pictures. The lot of food was massive! There's stuff in this bunch that I can't even identify! And stuff I've heard of but have never prepared, like butternut squash. I do wish there were more lemons and more of stuff I normally juice. But I am not complaining! I think I might make some soup today!

Friday, February 8, 2013

When I got home today there was an early birthday present from Bruce sitting (where else?) on my computer table. Converse shoes. And not just any converse shoes but THESE Converse shoes.http://www.shoesteal.com/productimages/shoes_iaec1151018.jpg I am wearing them now and feeling like... Glinda. Glinda and a rock star. Thank you Sweetie Boo! You always find such odd ways to make me smile!
It makes me happy that he sees me as Glinda. He sees me other ways too but they are usually cute and funny. There are a lot of things that I am not that I wish I was. But I am loved. 
Apparently I am a slow learner. Today I had to do some errands, get gas, go pay the insurance and I had taken a girl in my psychology class home (well I would have taken her home, but she opted to be dropped off where her husband works) She said it saved her a 4 mile walk. It is a brisk day and has rained (absolutely beautiful day at that time with gorgeous deep blue sky and sunlight back lighting dramatic back and white clouds) Anyway it was on the other side of town. So I decided to have lunch out. I first stopped at The Egg and I, was craving their tortilla soup. But they close at 2 so I was too late. Instead of going home and eating as I should have, I justified that it would be hard to go back out to get gas and take care of the insurance if I came home first. So... of COURSE avoiding fast food, I am not THAT dumb anymore I stopped at a close to home and good little Mexican food place. Told her no on the chips and soda, but I ordered a 3 piece combo-I was hungry. Enchilada, taco and chile relleno. I knew it was a mistake immediately. Same discomfort, well let's just say pain, though it abated fairly quickly. Watery feeling also, deep within. Not good. And it all tasted...how can I say it? Dead. It tasted dead and not welcomed by my body. Maybe I am slowly learning. But I truly enjoyed my warm water and juice mix this morning more than that meal. Hope I remember that.
When I went to pay the insurance I learned that my agent has moved. So I drove to the new location I walked in and the girl at the counter said "Hi LeAnn!" I was thinking, "Wow, I never recall seeing you in my LIFE and you know me on sight?" She went on, "I was just thinking of emailing you and here you are" I was trying frantically to place her. When she mentioned school it finally clicked. Yesterday I was walking out of the physiology lecture and heard my name being called. I turned and a girl, this girl said"Oh good I had your name right. I was wondering if you study with anyone, you seem to be getting this and I am not." I gave her my phon number an e-mail but I apparently didn't memorize her face well. Anyway, we will be studying on Sunday. I can use all the studying I can get an a time will make me actually do it. I tend to put physiology off until just before the test and do all my studyin then, but that's a bad habit. So I am glad she asked.
Feeling nice right now. Munching on almonds. This morning I got up, made a juice composed of an apple, 3 celery stalks, some ginger, a lemon and, because I didn't want it to go bad, half the green pepper I used in Bruce's meatloaf. Stirred into hot water. I cannot believe the effect of such a simple thing! I immediately felt warm and soothed and happy and "round" which is a wonderful centered golden feeling. Then I went for a walk with Marilyn. It was a very nice walk! Scenic and just the right length for a little exercise in the morning. Today I just have one class, psychology. I want to finish the study guide for the test. Then I'd like to TAKE the test but it's not open yet. Wish it was. I have a lot of other homework though. And I need to do it ALL. Statistics test due by Friday, but the "teacher" suggests we take it Wed because he will be introducing new material Thurs. Lots of physiology to read. An much t do in Creative Nonfiction Writing. A paper due Tues that I haven't even started! But right now just relaxing in the morning. Anticipating a nice shower. Unhappy that my rear car window is down and it has rained today. I always wish for rain but not good when you can't get the window up. This is very annoying because the other THREE windows motors-that-make-the-window-go-up-and-down have failed and been expensively replaced. Very expensively. How this window is down i do not know because, given the history I was sure it was about to fail. And somehow, it has. And it's raining. But right now I'd rather think about and enjoy the good physical feeling I have and finish the psychology study guide.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sitting with a "goodnight" juice made from celery heart, a lemon, some ginger and warm water. I like the additions! I've read that it is good to go to bed and arise with warm lemon water. Believing it.
 I had a rather icky day today. Having such terrible trouble in statistics that I wanted to be at Staples at 8 when they opened to buy a calculator so that perhaps I might get my homework done before the 1 o'clock class. As it turns out I did NOT finish it by then. I am so lost! Anyway, at Staples I had no assistance and their demonstrator calculators were..... NON-WORKING due to dead batteries. After standing there for some time I decided that I did not wish to fork out over $100 for the TI83/84 models without being able to SEE the formulas I know I need. So, I saw an HP 10bll+ that purported to be a business/financial/ STATISTICS calculator and it did have an n! key. There was no demonstrator, but I bought it for ($40+ tax + batteries) and the strange disc batteries that power it. In the car I saw in the tiny booklet that it listed at least some of the formulas I need. But no instructions how to enter the data! The examples are unclear on the homework. I could not figure out what the FUCK I was supposed to be doing at some points. Then, even when I thought I did understand some procedure, the homework check kept telling me I was wrong. I discovered that this calculator rounded to 3 decimal places whether you want it to or not. If that IS changeable I have no idea how to change it. The frustration of not being able to use the calculator, or understand the instructions for how to do it by hand had me just furious and frustrated. My physiology class is 15 minutes after statistics ends. After physiology I went and  bought a TI84 Plus- Silver Edition. NOT fro Staples. Decided not to try to do anything tonight about statistics. Too angry. So I've been working on the psychology study guide.. I thought I would be long done but I still have 5 answers to find and I am dead sick of it for the night. I have a LOT of homework to do. I really had hoped to finish the study guide tonight. And I keep getting spurts of venom about having 2 superfluous calculators (in addition to my TI89, which will be useful if I try to understand the algebra this summer)
I hope to get some good sleep tonight, wake up late in the morning, juice, do homework of some sort and go to class. Immerse in schoolwork all weekend. Maybe make progress. And do my best to take care of myself. Anger is not conducive to that. But I swear to God i feel like the stats teacher does not really care if we learn.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Why do I dream of you? Over and over. What about you is such an enduring draw to me that even asleep, I conjure your name and face and feel? And when I wake I realize I made you up. You do things that you would not do in life. Last night you wanted me to be open to you. You were in some...fight? I refused to witness and you pleaded with me to be open. Why in the world would i do this? I wake up sad.So many layers of sadness.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am expecting today to be a gruelling day. I have statistics and I never did find the n! key and I don't understand how to read the formulae. Fifteen minutes after statistics ends I have physiology lecture. I haven't read the material yet but the professor goes over it in power point. I am hoping to have time to read some before class though. Then there is Creative Nonfiction Writing. I need to read and comment on two fellow students work. One, I had already done, but she rewrote making it necessary to go back and do her again. The other did not turn her work in on time. And there is supplemental reading for that too.
I am starting the day with a cup of warm water into which I've added the juice of half a lemon. I saw this on a website I am liking a lot http://fitlife.tv/benefits-warm-water-lemon/. I first tried it with cool water and was surprised that I felt better. Last night, after the day's regression into the land of barf and significant digestive system pain I tried it warm. I was afraid the lemon juice might exacerbate the pain but it did the opposite. It soothed! I am not so dumb as to ignore that ! I am gong to implement the start and end of day warm lemon water. Today's breakfast will be the pineapple grapefruit and ginger concoction I so enjoy and I am going to make sure I make enough juice to take with me today. I also intend to make up meatloaf for Bruce to have tonight. One bad aspect of me doing juicing and trying to eat healthier is that he is eating more frozen and junky food. He is not inclined to try the juice or more natural food but if I make better stuff he will eat it. And he loves meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Not my favorite day. Feel like crap right now. Succumbed to half a sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. Two bites into the sandwich I was throwing up. : ( Then in miserable pain for about three hours. My psychology teacher held class sans lights- some kid turned them off when he entered and she took this for class consensus. But who knows what kind of faces I was making? My brand new (temporary now so it's not in color) driver's license proves that I can look more insane than I ever dreamed possible. After class I studied in the library until I nearly froze...2-6 in there studying psychology and I didn't even finish the study guide. Right now I should be doing homework but I feel completely ennervated.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Having trouble with statistics. Spent hours on it today and would have tried to keep going but I cannot locate an n! key or function on either of my calculators. So now, fairly tuckered, I am going to go to psychology. Hope it doesn't take long. tomorrow morning I want to put in an order at Bountiful baskets to see if I can save some money on expensive fruits an vegetables. You can only order on Monday and delivery is EARLY Saturday morning. Pick up I should say. The nearest location to me is the high school. Since I have to get up early on a Saturday I think I will volunteer. that means being at the high school at 5:30 am! But I will go back to bed when it's over. Bountiful Baskets is a coop ad I believe in that kind of thing. I sure wish I was a good gardener. I know I will try to learn how to be at some time. If, of course I have time.
Today was a fairly nice day. I was going to groom a friend's schnauzer. She took me out to see Django Unchained which I thoroughly enjoyed. (for me upcoming birthday) But today she was sick so I didn't get to do Sammi Sue. Then I learned anther friend was sick. I decided to make homemade chicken noodle soup. I used to be a pretty good cook I think, but since Bruce doesn't really eat I don't cook much anymore. So this was a pleasure though I've not made a lot of soup in my life. Organic broth, fresh garlic, onions, ginger, leeks carrots, celery, noodles, parsley fresh chopped and fresh rosemary sage thyme and bayleaves too. Sea salt (but not much) and a tiny bit of pepper. Oh! Chicken of course! Lots of that!and water chestnuts. I thought it was pretty good. It was better than canned for sure and I may even improve. I was so pleased I decided I am going to put learning how to make Tom Kha Kai on my list. My friend appreciated the soup. Took her a big pot as she has a lot of kids. Bruce won;t touch it so it's all mine, the remainder.
Tomorrow I also need to go renew my driver's license and then there's class, a study group (or just me if no one else comes) Then home and plenty more homework

Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy at the moment. even though I gained THREE POUNDS from the last time I weighed making total weight loss to date just 12 measley pounds However, I am feeling better for SURE. So...weight is what it is. I learned today I got 106 of 110 on my first physiology test. He builds in extra credit so I am very pleased. One of my study buddies got a perfect 110!!! Happy for him!!! The mean was 81.2 and the low was 46. Since I have little background in biology and it is ANCIENT an NO background in chemistry I am ecstatic about my score. I was bummed to only get 46 of 50 on my psychology test until I learned it was the high score on the exam and that some people got below 25.
I should be studying right now but I am not. Instead I am thinking about an awesome video I saw http://www.doyoueven.com/2013/01/heart-touching-inspirational-transformation/ I am being grateful to be learning about juicing and nutrition and taking better care of myself and I am grateful for the small circle of people who really care for me and grateful that Bruce is supporting me through school and I sure hope I don;t let him down. I am grateful for my dogs. I'd like to watch a good movie long about now

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Really tired and I think I am wound down enough to go to bed. It was a study-ful day. Got up to work on statistics at which I am no good. Dudie had a vet appointment at 9 and my boy is SO smart! I was really impressed by his intuition. Bruce's car was frozen so I started it and left it to warm. (Dude can't get into the Buick, too high for his old hips) I was wondering how I was going to get him out of the house without PJ and Jetty Lee running me a merry, noisy chase. Almost as I was wondering that Dude quietly went out to the back yard. It was like telepathy! Generated by him! I smiled and went out the front door, around to the gate and there that sweet boy was, as if that had been the plan all along. The girls never got upset and we had an easy trip. But this makes me wonder how much animals really do know. I thought that was amazing, and it was in character for Dude too, being as gentlemanly as he is.
 Did not finish statistics homework after I got back from the vet even though I spent a good three hours on it. Then statistics class then physiology where I was unusually smart today. The professor would ask a question and I answered correctly over and over People were peering round at me. I was just enjoying it, wishing that were normal for me. After classes I went to lunch with two friends. Yep. Ate. It was healthy stuff, but I am thinking I should start over on the juice fast. It is so good for me! But hard to do when I am so pushed for time. After lunch I went to the library and studied a couple hours for the psychology test then went to take it. Don't know how I did. I care, but not as much as I care about the physiology results!!!!! The physiology professor had the test proper graded, but I guess he's waiting to add the extra credit where we hand drew and labelled an action potential. He has to go through those by hand, but I WANT MY GRADE!!!!!! I keep looking hopefully at my phone even though it's 11 pm now. He did tell us the class average was 78% on the test proper. I felt confident after I took the test (which I did NOT feel after the anatomy tests- but I did well n the anatomy tests) I am anxious to see if my confidence was warranted. I have to say, before class today it wavered wildly listening to other people talk about how they felt they did.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Time is flying and I feel so behind!!! I just got home from taking my first physiology test. I was lagging in the studying so very worried about how I would do. Knock on wood, I think I did well! I hope that's true. But spending the day on studying for physiology has left me in a very tight position. I have a psychology test I must take tomorrow and I haven't touched my statistics homework which is due by 1 pm tomorrow. The psychology test is going to require some time but I have statistics at 1 and then Physiology lecture until 4 I think. It might be closer to 5 I can't even remember. I just park my butt in a chair and try to absorb attentively until the professor stops talking. And often I wish I had further clarification. So...not going to have a lot of time for studying psychology. Feh!
Today I just had physiology lab since the psych teacher thought we may wish to use class time to take the test. I really dislike my physiology lab instructor and she set that even more firmly today by removing 2 points because I didn't put the information she wanted on the scantron of the quiz we took tonight. Nevertheless, Rebecca and I had fun. we laughed so hard I do believe it annoyed the instructor. I hope it did. We got to work with "Smart Guy" He wants to be a Dr and he's taken all the chemistry the school has to offer. He's smart, well versed in the chemistry, nice, and he's even cute. Anyway, the lab was on EEG's and I volunteered to be the testee. So I had electrodes on my head and we watched my brain waves in various situations. There was a comical spike when I was asked to do a math problem in my head. (Smart Guy teased that I must be smarter than usual because the female controls generally had a series of spikes whereas I had one huge one then it went back to almost normal alpha waves.)
My Creative Nonfiction class was last night and that was interesting. We had turned in 3 pieces of creative nonfiction for commentary by our peers. Sadly, I only had time to read and make some comments very soon before class started and I was astonished by the quality of some of the writers. One young man from Nebraska has my full attention. He writes beautifully! And everyone's submissions were at least good. Two of mine were very rushed and the most developed of the three was still just a draft. After reading the other works it sounded to me more like an informercial than a piece of art. Still the comments were kind all round and I had some personal sharings given back to me with the more literary type comments. It was also the piece that people ACTED on, and that pleased me. (I wrote about my juicing experiment  One classmate was inspired to watch Fat Sick and Nearly Dead and several others are interested in learning about juicing. They were kind about the other two pieces too. I really enjoyed the class. I love getting to know people by their writing.
Wow! It's 11:07! I need to get to bed so i can get up and leap into statistics!! Then classes, psychology cramming, psychology test... Way Way way too harried a pace for me!I wonder how long it will be before I know how I did on the physiology test. I wonder how my study buddies did.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Juicing stuff: I found that I can wiggle out of the jeans I am wearing without unbuttoning or unzipping them. : )
Meant to weigh myself yesterday at the gym but I was so busy trying to get copies of my birth certificate and social security card for my drivers license that I didn't even get back to the school library to print some things I need until about 5pm. I went to the social security office and it was so packed I was nearly late for my psychology class at 1. But at least that only entailed filling out one form and it didn't cost money. The birth certificate issue was a fiasco! Looking at the timeframes they give to supply a birth certificate from Los Angeles had me in a panic. My renewal expires Feb 9th! So in addition to the $23 fee to get a certified copy of my birth certificate I had to pay more for a service that expedites the process and go gt information notarized and faxed. The guy at the bank was really nice. That was the one bright spot. Oh! interesting factoid. I'd had my social security card since I was a child, though it was not whole anymore. I couldn't locate the bit thought I'd seen it recently, so I decided not to waste further time and just get a copy. Did you know you are limited to 10 copies of your social security card in a lifetime? Why would that be so? Anyway, I did not get back to the school library till about 5 and was printing stuff madly (my printer at home does not work) I needed math formulae and copies of my fellow students' essays to read and comment on. I needed a psychological article for a paper due on Monday. I also needed physiology stuff but at 5:30 there was an announcement that the library would be closing at 6!. I was shocked and appalled. The college (approved for university status just yesterday, retaining the odious to me name of Dixie) closes their library at 6 pm on a Friday? That seems scholastically stupid to me. And I thought if the library was closing the fitness center would too. I rethought that and should have tried to go because the priorities of this college are skewed. The fitness center was probably open and I could have used the exercise. I did also want to weigh. I only intend to weigh once a week. The first loss was 15 pounds. I am curious to see what has happened in the past week. Though I am not judging this nutritional experiment on weight loss primarily. I am judging it on perception of health and so far it has been so wildly successful I would stick with it if I didn't lose a pound. I still cannot believe how much better I feel and so quickly! Last night Bruce and I were talking about it. he said, "I've known you for over ten years and in all that time you've always thrown up." True. And longer than that. And as he said it was getting only worse. I cannot believe I have not thrown up in two full weeks now! And overall my mood and energy levels have been much improved. As have my knees. The really bad one is not fully restored but it is much better. So, firmly in favor of juicing. Learning a little about nutrition as I go along too. And, after the 60 days is up I want to save enough money to sponsor someone who wants to try this experiment for themselves through it. The friend who was the last small catalyst that poked me from inaction to action has had to stop fully juicing because it is too expensive for her right now. And because she feels she needs a committed space to implement it. In Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead  Joe Cross set Phil Staples up in a lovely quiet cottage with a juicer for a time to allow him to adapt. It is a BIG change and it is not always convenient to juice. The friend I got the juicer for is having a similar problem. And apparently most people have a farr harder time getting into it than I have. Physical problems in the initial period include migraine headaches, diarrhea, feeling just bad.... Hard to keep up with your life if you are feeling like that. And most people apparently have more food cravings than I have. I count myself very lucky not to have encountered these problems. For me it was a good, natural, immediately beneficial process. My mom got her juicer yesterday and is going to try it today. I am very curious to see what she thinks. She isn't planning to do a juice FAST, she just wants a way to incorporate the nutrition of fruits and vegetables into her diet. You can get a LOT of nutrition from juicing.I am so looking forward to the day when  feel I am ready to join a yoga class. And then, take riding lessons. Another area I'd like to focus on is writing. I am very disappointed at my writing and I miss the poetic flow of words I used to think in. I watched a movie last night called Miss Navajo, I'm not a proponent of beauty pageants, but I sure enjoyed this movie. And the poetry woven with the action and intention of this movie were inspiring to me. I would like to free the voice in me. I feel it there but I can;t reach it. For now though I need to study for and take the statistics test and write the psychology paper. then see what else I can accomplish today.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I have so much homework, but I am just exhausted. Physiology is kicking my butt! The lab is so hard an confusing! We had a quiz today and I was so happy I got 80%! The again, I'm not. And I cant afford 80%!!!!! Well, not meaning to really vent here.
Juice fast going well. I'm 1/5 the way to my goal! Wanted to go to the gym today but there wasn't time and I don't know if I can squeeze a little in tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

In my creative nonfiction writing class we were assigned to write a memory of childhood or teen years on a post-it note. Ten of these. Just a little exercise. These are mine.

1. Apple Valley
Undulating heat shimmering up from the asphalt of The Roy Rogers Museum where we’d just seen taxidermied Trigger and heard the old cowboy croon on crackly vinyl. Mom was looking choice-tan, young and sassy in a sleeveless turquoise dress with inch wide white polka dots she’d made. It embraced her slender torso intimately then billowed out to a full skirt. Her image, parody of Marilyn Monroe, as a six inch lizard came out of nowhere and ran up her bare leg into the shade of that skirt is seared into my brain by desert heat and lacquered with laughter.
2. Pool I
We’d been a winter week at the cabin in Crestline. My brother David fell asleep on the long ride home from the mountains. When we arrived home my father uncharacteristically carried him tenderly from the car. Why were we in the backyard? I can’t remember. Seeing the water sparkling in the pool my father followed some wild impulse and tossed David high. He burst out of the water screaming and crying. The pool wasn’t heated in our absence. The water was very cold. My first memory of thinking “Asshole!”
3. Pool II
Usual summer day. BBQ smoke scenting the air and a passel of kids playing in the pool. I can remember the rough texture of the springboard beneath my feet. We were playing Follow the Leader and I, attempting glory, made some wrong move and went off the side, smashing my head on the pool deck. Before I even knew what had happened I felt my father’s arms around me lifting my chest out of the water. “Are you ok?” I thought I was, despite the blood dripping red into the water.
4. Bell Jar
Mr. Pence was lecturing as he inflated a balloon in a bell jar. He didn’t seem to be paying attention whereas I felt the stretch of rubber as the balloon strained past what I thought was its point of popping. Rocking a little, scrunching and squinting to brace for the bang I hoped I didn’t scream. To my dismay Mr. Pence noticed this, his eyes glinting victory and amusement. He announced, continuing to pump, “There is no sound in a vacuum.”
5. Dance
I posed on the periphery of Natalie’s dance class, in the stance she had assigned me: one arm parallel to my undeveloped bosom, the other bent up at the elbow, maracas in each hand and legs arranged to spring into action at a certain measure of the music. When the samba filled the room I did not wait for the counted beats, but began to sway. Natalie stopped the class. Her eyes assessed me with artistic criticism and she changed the dance to have us each swaying as the music started. I wondered if I had been beautiful in dance for a moment.
6. Small Miracle
Sliding into the driver’s seat of my Datsun B210 after a trip to the store with my brother I heard him yell, “Stop!” I had a habit of pulling out of the space then letting him into the car. He bent behind the car a moment then bounced into the seat beside me holding out his hand. It contained a tiny, jeweled hummingbird, barely moving. He said it was wedged tightly against the tire, if I had moved an inch…We took it home, made sugar water and were delighted when it licked the mix off our palms with its long, tubular, transparent tongue. We shared delight and a sense of divine when it flew away.
7. Gift
I slipped a fingernail into the corner of the envelope and opened the letter. Jim! He was studying in Bellingham for the summer. I smiled and tilted the envelope to pull out the precious letter. As I did, what looked like metal filings spilled out. I couldn’t imagine what they were, until I read the letter that said he was coming home. And I realized it was his goatee (which I hated). Creative and considerate in this gift, I felt he had really missed me.
8. Mirror Ball
It still hangs in what was my teenaged bedroom. The disco ball I made, sticking the pre-adhesived squares of mirror onto a styrofoam ball. Someone, probably my mom, mounted the motor on my ceiling and I was set! Raiding the utility drawer for flashlights and the Christmas wrapping paper for tubes I positioned several lights around the room. I’d turn off the lights, close the shutters and stack Yes and Genesis , Pink Floyd, Bread and Cream on my turntable and listen to music for hours in my own swirling galaxy of stars.
9. Tuna Sandwich
I didn’t feel I asked for much, though perhaps I did, but ONCE I asked you to make me a tuna sandwich and you resisted. I pressed and you sullenly slumped off to the kitchen. “Remember I like relish in it,” I called. You delivered an undrained, soupy sandwich with nearly as much relish as tuna. Resentment in the relish. Weird thing that I remember now and then, sadly.
10. Breaking In
At eighteen I hired on with AT&T. I expected it to be a summer job. Nervous and wearing a dress and nylons I reported for training. My supervisor introduced himself to the class, ran through a litany of expectations and then led us out for a tour of the office. The doors were marked, “In” and “Out.” Not meaning to be a rebel I went out through the “In” door. My supervisor, noting this, ordered me to go out, using the proper door and re-enter. It is one of my great regrets that I did not quit then and there.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I feel happy almost to the verge of tears. And grateful. And surprised. The sun today is luminous and crisp and I feel connected to the glow. This juice fast may be the BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I have been overweight my whole life. And I used to fight that with all kinds of diets and strange things. I did Schick shock aversion.I hate electrical shock! It didn't work. I tried being injected with the urine of pregnant women. (no idea what that was actually supposed to do, but EW!!) Both of those examples were long long ago. But all kinds of crazy diets and some I thought were sane but weren't, the worst was a dr supervised 500 calorie a day fast. It involved shots, blood tests, appetite suppressants and the dr wanted to put me on Paxil but I wouldn't do that. I lost 87 pounds. And it was something I had to thad ink about every moment of every day. It was hellish. But I adapted. Then came the day when the result of a blood test told the dr i had to start eating more food. Well, I did. There was no strict regime here, some recommendations. But what happened was that I reverted to old bad habits. I hadn't actually earned anything, except how to impose my will over my body in a strict and very temporary circumstance. I gained more weight back than I lost and worse, that diet had terrible effects on my digestion. That was the beginning of the barfing. And I had no energy. And I decided that I was never going to "diet" again.
With my body being large it is hard to do certain ordinary things. And while I am used to the judgement that goes with physical nonconformity to our culture's ideal of what people should look like it still wears and limits me. My own self disappointment is also very limiting. I injured my right knee and it hasn't healed and the compensation was affecting my left knee. My soul might want to dance or simply wish I could clean the floorboards but in fact i was getting less and less mobile. It was a bad prognosis.
Also, learning about the way food is being manipulated today made me angry and feel helpless. GMO's and the refusal to label them. Corporations deliberately creating addictive foods and labeling them falsely for a profit.  CAFOs. It feels like a net closing in and I truly think  this is something our society needs to address soon. I cannot tell you how evil I feel Monsanto is. The FDA? I do not think it has the good of the people in mind at all.
When I stumbled upon Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix and felt like that so much I decided to watch it I was immediately attracted to the ideas. I also could tell Joe Cross was adept at marketing s a strang o I was wary. But closely observing him and the other people depicted in the film gave me the first hope I had had in years, food-wise  Obviously I was no expert on eating well and I figured i would just be increasingly unhealthy till I died. Young. Like many in my family. My dad died of a heart attack at 59. My brother died of alcoholism  at 40. His oldest son followed him at 28. There is a history of depression, suicide and substance abuse in my family. Could I somehow change the path I was on? I wanted to try juicing, but the juicers were expensive and so was all the food! I couldn't afford to try.
It took me a couple of years to buy the juicer and decide that the cost of the food would be worth it if somehow, this worked for me. I decided to do a 60 day juice fast because that is what felt necessary to me. I couldn't afford the medical testing it would be good to have to go along with this so i was just going to have to monitor my own feelings and judge on the basis of those. Bruce was pretty worried for me. It sounded extreme to him and he was worried about effects on my health. But...could anything really be worse than how i was going? I think not.
Still I was expecting a miserable 60 days. I was afraid I wouldn't even be able to do this fast because eating salad made me throw up. So, it looked a bit iffy. And i can't say I have ever been a big fruit or vegetable eater. If I did eat them, they were almost always jazzed up. I am also a wimp. If I didn't see real benefits to this I knew i wouldn't last. It could be for as simple a reason as not being able to combat the food cravings. I had decided long ago I don't want to spend all my time thinking about a diet. That's no life. So, I was a balance of cautious optimism and aware of my bad history in this realm. But I embarked.
My first surprise was that the juices did not taste as bad as I anticipated. Over these few days I have become a little more skilled at making them too and I find to my very great surprise that i am actually liking them! I even like them at the temperature they come out of the blender. Fresh juice is good! I have had very few food cravings on this way of eating. That also just flabbergasts me. I knew within days that my body appreciated this nutrition. I've only lost 15 pounds (as of my first comparative weigh in) but i FEEL so much better. Centered and glowing. The fact that i have not vomited once since doing this would make a strong case for continuation. So would the fact that my knees feel better. And, while I am having frequent bouts of gratitude and so thinking of this change in THAT way i am not spending all my time thinking about food. I can hardly believe this! It's also very cool to be trying so many new foods and in such combinations and being surprised at how they taste. Learning their effects upon the body and upon my particular body is also -fun!
I would say this is a success! Wish I would have found it sooner!