About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

I had a really nice time with Guen yesterday. I enjoyed how she thinks and what she thinks about and the actions she takes in her life to make it what she wants it to be.

My aunt messaged me again. I am having trouble not responding but I think our worldviews are so different that all it would be is futile and painful and what is the point of that? I did think quite a lot about family as a result of her messages. In my world I really only classify my mom and Bruce as family. Not enough contact with anyone else for it to qualify by my definition.

And now I need to get ready for Maggie, one of the 2 dogs I am grooming today. That should be pleasant. : )

Friday, May 15, 2015

Today I am going to meet a friend I made on Facebook. Interesting person, and related to one of the people I really liked from high school. Her voice reminds me of him very much. I have to admit I am having trouble with saying "her" because this friend identifies as a woman though she was born make and is a father. I totally respect that but I am scared I will in some way slip up. I do not know a lot of transgendered people, but I would like to know this one better! She is doing things that appeal to me so much. She has some land, I think a couple hours away (someday I am going to go see this place!) and she is building her own non-traditional home. She's gardening and raising bees and chickens. She has an interest in communal type living which was an idea that appealed to me very much when I was young. I saw a group of friends living close together and having amenities they might not otherwise have had because of different skill sets and a desire to remain close for a long time. I have always fantasized about long deep relationships.   I am excited about meeting her today. We are planning to go to a little Italian restaurant. I've been there once and liked it though it was hideously expensive. It has a good feeling to it so, I will live with the expense and I expect the time spent to be worth it. Anyway, we shall see how this goes.

In other news I had a message from a relative last night. This is rather rare in my world because my dad made sure we were pretty well estranged from family when I was quite young so I don't have a lot of family ties in my life and none are very close. She told me that her husband died - in March- and was sorry they were just notifying me. Actually that's fine with me, And I hope he is at peace and she is at peace and will have some rest and happiness with the rest of her life. She wrote of her husband in very glowing terms and if that is how she experienced the relationship i am happy for her. My own feeling about family is so divided, I have a strong sense of what I wish it was and think it can be, but my own experiences are darkly and sometimes comically different. When I went t visit my mother she very much wanted to talk to this relative but she had a lot of bitterness and i wonder what good that does. when I lived in Salt Lake, I had a call from a man who sounded very much like Morris the Cat, but purring and subtly menacing. I had no idea who it was but the message was asking me if I was Roy and Gloria's daughter (no one except my father's family called him Roy) I learned he was a cousin- and his history was dark and fascinating. I guess I probably shouldn't write about it here (I am going to need to start a paper journal where I can just pour things as I'd like to do without possibly hurting anyone. But as a clue of it all, I learned that his mother had procured a whole other house for her sons and they went rather wild. I remember he used a term that chilled me- Midwest Mafia, Meeting the relative himself was a pretty good summation of how I actually feel about family. he looked much younger than he was and he had mesmerizing stories. There was a feeling of kinship but also that wild, almost too intelligent to be good for you sense I gt from certain members of my dad's side of the family. he was so substance dependent that I cannot remember a time when he was without alcohol or drugs. One of our "adventures" was to try to find the grave of a relative who my dad NEVER let us see. Black sheep in what I think of as a herd of black sheep. My cousin had epic stories and first hand memories.  was still trying to get my head around the idea that this cousin was in Utah and that my uncle was in a cemetary in Utah. that seemed very improbably to me. We found a cemetary associated with him but he had been cremated and scattered there so there was no grave. I won't write much more than this but my end comment, sadly to this extremely interesting, sentimental and wickedly smart cousin was that perhaps the kindest thing one Cole could do for another was to stay away. Anyway, now I am about to call my mom and let her know an uncle has died-months ago. If she answers the phone. Ah family. What it could be, what it is. I once had someone cast a horoscope for me and it said I was destined to end up alone. I can see that happening. The most cherished relationships in my life seem to end no matter what I would do to try to keep them maybe I was born under a solitary star.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

spinning, spring of grass under my feet, joy of movement, dizzy dizzy fall laughing to watch the blue heavens swirl.