First yard care company came out to estomate cleaning up the front yard. He gave my mom an estimate for $400 for part of the yard. I asked why not the whole yard. she said she didn't interview him very well. So I called and He said $600 to clean up the whole front yard, which includes removing a gargantuan bird of paradise. I've never seen one that big before! I don't know if the thing could be tamed or if better to just remove, I lean toward removal. He said they can do xeriascaping but I am not sure I have confidence in the result. I don't think he would be drawing up a planned sketch and when I asked about rocks for crating a little landscape he said they could use rocks as big as he could carry. So, not so sure he's right for the xeriascaping, but I think she will not get a better estimate on cleaning up the front yard, which Eddie (that's the guy who went to see her)described as a jungle. And that's a polite term for the mess it is. If he gets the job (I've set up other estimates for her) nd he does well they do other services too, some interior and so he could be a great help if he can get rid of some of the things she will want to get rid of. I'm going to call her in a few butt I just finished grooming a dog and I need to recoup a bit. I wish I was down there. I was I had $600 just laying around (more actually, so much more, but I don't. I don't know what her idea of a budget is but MY guess when I was looking at just the front yard and NOT including the garage doors was $5000. She's unsure of spending $400. I feel stressed. I'm sure she does too. I need to get estimates on garage doors. She needs 3 and I am thinking those will be about $600 apiece installed.

Made 4 appointments for my mom with yard care companies. They start tomorrow. She told me she'd have a pen and paper ready but she didn't, so she will have to call me back. I don't know how big she has to write to read because she can't see well. She also asked me to schedule estimates for new garage doors. If she gets those and the yard worked on her neighbors will be happy. Then she can start tackling the inside problems, I really hope she does the xeriascape for the front yard but we will see.

She sounded good tonight. She really wants to start addressing the way she's living. I told her I would get 3 appointments for estimates for her for the front yard call her tomorrow with the times. I m pleased she's considering ripping out the jungle and having the yard xeriascaped. I tried to suggest new (badly needed) garage doors. But she is thinking of inside projects that DO need to be done but I think the house is going to need more overhauling than just putting down new flooring. I am thinking with the work she needs she needs to have a plan that encompasses it ALL.
Youngest nephew had a fever of 107 and something with white blood cells. I have no idea what the source of this is or if he is out of the hospital.
David;s widow's boyfriend put in the water heater. Makes me squirmy. I suggested moving down there and getting a job. She still thinks it's not the right time but she needs help. I don't know how long I'd be there and I don't like So CA, but talking with a friend about older people forced to move it sounds like a lot of them losre a reason to live and holy shit I think she deserves a couple of happy years if not more

I've had the day off today and I have just rested and relaxed. But I am thinking of going to CA and getting a job there. My mom wouldn't need round the clock care. Leaving Bruce and the dogs here for an appreciable amount of time would be the hardest part. It would be open ended. Going to try to call her and see what's up in her world.

Well, my mom has re-established hot water. Presumably installed by a licensed plumber. I didn't ask if there was additional cost to the $350 arrangement her grandson previously made (and I am not sure he didn't try to install it himself) I have no idea what the water heater cost but I do know she wanted 50 gallon and he insisted on 60 gallon and did not arrange for Home Depot to install it. I don't know if that would have been the fastest, best way to get the job done.
When I look at it, it's not like I am an expert at living. Especially in the areas she really needs help in. I am not known to be practical or handy or good at physical work. She needs skills along those lines. These thoughts and the probability that her grandson would have to leave if I went down there when he does have some skills she could use. I have others and I know my motivations, strengths and weaknesses. If I went down there i would have to quit my little $10 an hour job which does mean that I would be even less "self sufficient" than I am now which is not very. My grooming business would decline. Bruce might need to get a job (he contributes now to our household but it is from a limited fund) I have no idea how long I'd need to be there and if I could persuade her to come back here where I have some idea of how to make a little money. I don't even know if it is best that she move. I mean, that house is huge and it is a mess and her climbing stairs is not a thing that makes my sleep come easily. I have asked her to at least move her bedroom downstairs but she says climbing the stairs is "good for her" I told her exercise might be good but it would be better on a flat surface. So I am still sifting whether what i do is in her best interest. There are a lot of considerations and I can't help but think that what is important to her, most important to her, is autonomy. She may not be doing the best job and it's not even the way she wants it but it is a culmination of her decisions. And I truthfully don't think she's mentally incompetent unless she has been so for years and years. Then again, there's the question, would I do any better by her? Yes, she would eat better. Yes, I could take her wherever she needed to go whenever she needed to go there. Yes, if she let me, I could try to get her house organized, renovated and sold, because to afford renovation would mean she couldn't afford to live there. She's gong to be 80 January 1st. I wish I was financially able to go there AND support myself. I wish she saw my wishes for her as good for her. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing.

ok. she paid for the water heater from Home Depot but it wasn't what she wanted it was what the grandson who lives with her wanted and he had some friend of his install it, incorrectly. I gave her the number for Home Depot to see if they will exchange it for what she wants and install the thing so that it works. I am surprised the water heater is gas because all the kitchen is electric, but from what I can tell there is no gas leaking or anything like that. I gave her three numbers for yard care and there's plenty more if she doesn't like any of those. I  told her if it was me, I'd absolutely clear the front yard and have them put in xeriascaping very very low maintenance. That didn't seem to go over well with her.

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night- I called my mom to wish her Merry Christmas (I am really trying to keep more in touch) and learned, in the hour or so I was on the phone, that she has no hot water. I don't know how long this has been the case. She says she bought a 60 gallon hot water heater and my nephew had it installed but apparently not correctly. She says the pilot light won't stay on. I am wondering how dangerous this is besides the problem of no hot water.
I also learned my youngest nephew is in the hospital, this one apparently not a mental hospital. She has a restraining order against him so I am partly glad he apparently cannot go break into her house. which he does regularly and wondering what is wrong. I was happy to hear he was getting some kind of mental health treatment. I am wondering now if he will be the next family death. My oldest nephew managed to drink himself to death at 28. Asking about what was wrong had to be filtered through my mom. She said something about white blood cells and something like that he could be allergic to people or people could be allergic to him. I feel badly that I have no relationship to the 2 remaining nephews but on the other hand, they are predatory enough that my predominant feeling is relief that this one cannot do anything bad to my mom for now.
Their mother, a person I want nothing to do with for the remainder of forever stopped by my mother's house on Christmas Eve. Apparently as a visit. My mother has a restraining order for her too but it has not been served for lack of an address. She is the bane of my mother's life. Yet, the whole family dynamic is nutsy enough that i can see her at the door, thinking she would somehow be welcome.
My mother asked me if i can find someone to "clean up the front yard" I will certainly look for someone but i think she has an unrealistic idea of what this will entail and what it will cost. It is not a mattter of tidying up or mowing the way I see it.
Mostly I spent the night agonizing about what I should do. Should I try to get power of attorney and force whatt I think is right on her? She would ate that. She's not safe but she is 79 and in poor health and she does not seem to me to bew senile even if she is unrealistic and living with many unnecessary risks. She's going to be 80 in a few days.
I told her I would bring her to Utah, but she doesn't want to come. I told her I would go down and live with her though I hate that house with a loathing that even if it was habitable I don't know how I could stand. But I would stand it. However, just about every terrible reality I ever learned about humans and life I learned in that house. When I was down there to see her last we were sitting on her porch (I won't willingly enter unless she gives me permission to do things to help the situation) and she demonstrated her ability to cause me an astonishing amount of pain seemingly without effort. I was ready to leave when she, out of the blue and for no reason I can think of said something to the effect that she thought my first love was not a serious thing and she went on about it for a little while. It was extremely serious to me and I would think the aftermath of the relationship would have given her a clue that might be so, but from out of nowhere she chooses to bring it up like that as I am leaving.
I do not know what to do. But every new bit of information tells me I should probably do something. Even if neither of us like it much. There is no "safe" but she's in a deathtrap
 

Really dark night of the soul. Got little sleep last night. I'm exhausted and feel hopeless. On Monday I am going to CA to see my mom who needs help. I hope I can help. She's been told her kidneys are shitting down and I don't know what her prognosis exactly is but it sounds like she may finally be ready to get out of her current life situation and I have to help her however i can. But even this short trip is going to be hard. I work for $10 an hour at a job with no benefits and no paid vacation and the expense of just going down to see my mom is a big deal and if she IS ready to make a change she's going to need much more of my time and she's also going to need things I don't have, like strength. I was anticipating talking to my "sister in law" who I do not think of as family in any way anymore and I feel the same about my 2 remaining nephews. I don't want to be embroiled in any big scene but if I see them, and chances are good that I will, I want them to know I feel no sense of connection to them whatsoever and that if I can help it, they are done taking advantage of my mother. I say that yet she owns the house I live in rent free. I can't afford rent. But I know I will take better care of her and make whatever time she has, hopefully some years, the most pleasant and appreciated they can be. But if she agrees to get out of that house extricating her, and whatever she wants to keep is going to be a major job then finding a way to renovate the ho ouse and sell it. I don't have much idea how to proceed except to go there and start doing what I can. I was down there last year and asked her just to consider moving and she began to barf, unable to stop, at the restaurant we we in. My "sister in law" and one nephew regularly break into her house. The other nephew lives with her but can hardly be considered an asset. I was thinking, if I can somehow get through this, make the rest of her life as good as it an be, somehow last for the life of my companion and our pets that i am more than ready to die, just need to figure out a way to do that when these obligations are met.

Almost 1 am. I came home tonight and I just wanted to sleep. I wasn't feeling well and the feeling got worse. Bruce was being companionable and asked me if I'd like to watch something with him while he ate (it's our bit of consistent time together) I said no because I really just wanted to fall asleep but he knows I like him there so he watched an episode or so of Gotham then dimmed the lights to read beside me. Meanwhile I was feeling worse and worse and began to cough and toss and retch, which of course disturbed him. And not only physical feeling bad., oh no, my mind took the opportunity o play every ancient painful memory. I couldn't stop it, I could only wonder if I somehow desire this or otherwise why I am afflicted by this. It was very bad and I was sad an angry and miserable and a bunch of other stuff. finally, fearing Bruce would just get up which certainly wasn't fair to him I got up and here I sit, in the dark wishing only for peaceful sleep

I am wondering if I am somehow unfair, whether this great and abiding contempt I have for male humans is somehow excusable, if somehow it is just not their fault. But I think our culture has been more directly shaped by men than it has by women and nah, I think men are by and large contemptible. What, you may ask prompts this conclusion? Well there's a list of men in my life who have affected me. And I try and try to squelch my feelings and excuse them on one basis or another (and there haven't been a large number of men deeply in my life, it's just that they have had and used the potential t be so destructive) But the inspiration for this particular rant relates to a longtime and very good friend. She has been in a long term relationship for 16 years. They were "engaged" Now, she, like mostt women I know have had more than one destructive relationship. Her first sexual encounter was a rape. Her first husband cheated on her and the second one more or less sponged off her in every way a person can. There were some minor relationships between him and this latest atrocity. From my pov, she acted more than ethically as far as I can judge. When she met this guy he was married, but separated and divorcing. She declined to date him until he was divorced and could prove it. Their relationship was always odd to me. He had a habit of just leaving to go to Florida without even any notice, literally and giving her some reason or other. The last time he said he was transferred at his job.. Oh no, he wasn't unhappy wit the relationship, oh no, there was no one else. He was living with an old man from his work. He was trying to get transferred "home" He faithfully sent $300 a week for the past 5 absent years. They conducted their relationship long term. She wrote me last night that he has sent $78,000. He recently came "home" for a work thing and he was booked into a hotel. She felt something was wrong and even though they spent a couple of days together (and she was a bootie call) she finally decided to check out his story. Well, she discovered that he married his ex-wife 5 years ago. ow, you'd think they guy would be honest. She gave him multiple opportunities to tell her the truth. She used to be a phone tech who brought home about $100 k a year. But she had the opportunity to retire and he encouraged her to do so and she did. That whole industry has changed and while she has a retirement with benefits it is not enough to keep her in her house alone. And she trusted this man. In my way of seeing he has treated her like a sexual and emotional object, lying and depriving her of her years and her trust and her security (if there is such a thing as security) What is with men that they so objectify women? She could have handled the truth. But no... in my view, men want what they want and they will do what they have to to get it. I do not understand this. I never will.

Really groggy and feeling just awful. I wonder if it was the dreams I had last night, a series of them so emotionally wrenching I feel it could be or whether it is another kind of health issue. I can't remember dreaming in a series before. Two of them were particularly vivid and painful. And all the old issues except I was worried because this time I actually went into the new life. I was traveling in a group and I don't think it was under my control (at least leaving wasn't) and wow! painful! The next dream I was alone at work and trying to handle a call from a customer and i couldn't get anything right and I kept apologizing and trying to concentrate and in that dream I was dysfunctional because of the previous dream. As it was I could not even make myself get out of bed until 11 am and I am so weak and tired feeling I would like to cry. But I need to be at work very soon.

In other news, I was grooming a dog yesterday when a small miracle happened. Our mail lady, who is EXTREMELY dog phobic actually came into the garage with a box for me. I couldn't believe she was getting that close to a dog. Usually she literally runs off our porch when she drops boxes by the door because we have dogs. Even though this dog was a shih tzu and she remarked that it was cute (another thing that floored me!) I was deeply surprised to see her there. The porch was free and clear, so I think she wanted to come in with the dog. Amazed me. The box was from Jaime and Twila. Jaime wrote me a letter (from the hospital) and I will keep that letter as long as I live. They sent me two Native American plates that were his dad's. I want to get these hung up and send a picture of them (with the 2 others Bruce gave me) I love Jaime and Twila. I was grooming the dogs and donated the money from the (and more) to Twila and to my friend Rebecca. I would collapse under the pressure either of them is under and I not only pray for them to get through these times but i feel compelled to do anything I can to help them. I told Rebecca I was going to call her after i finished grooming but I was too worn out to actually do it. A big part of me would like a week totally alone. However, that said, I did really enjoy the company of our dogs and Bruce last night and I think one or the other of the girls stayed with me all night. I was pleased that Bruce flipped our mattress and removed the covering for th foam top so i could wash it. He is very considerate of me, trying to solve problems. I am still doing bedding this morning. Then there's regular laundry.

Yes well, maybe one of these days I will have time to write with more artistry, I'd like to try, but as it is I am going so much of the time that by the time I find a minute I feel numb, braindead and as though I might wake up here in a little while because I fell asleep in a puddle of drool and the air conditioner has chilled it past the point of being able to sleep. I just want to say a little of whatt I have been thinking and feeling.

My friend Jaime called me the other day. I was pleased and surprised. He just recently turned 50 and his voice sounded rough. I have been thinking about him a lot. Jaime is a paraplegic. That happened when he was 19. At that age Jaime, who grew up in a BIG family in a little, predominantly LDS town (though it had more diversity than some, a lot of Greek people for instance. It was a coal mining town. Jaime's family was Mormon and he wanted so much to be a good one. He went o the requisite mission to a little island (so small I cannot remember the name) but it was pretty different. I have the impression they ate bugs. It was very poor. Jaime regaled me with stories and I wish I could remember them with greater clarity, but the braindead thing is in fill force. Anyway, Jaime was absolutely devoted to his mom. Loved her with a fierce love. His father contacted the island Jaime was serving on and, breach of the way things are done in Mormondom, told Jaime his mother was sick and not expected to live and urged him to come home to try to see her. Jaime was torn... after all a big part of LDS belief is that families can be together forever and he wanted that. But you have to be worthy. In any case he did decide to leave his mission to go see his mom. He did this but he was trying to live by the mission rules so that he was remaining worthy and when the crisis was over he planned to return to the mission field. He went home and his dad, a coal miner and of another generation wanted to try to bond with Jaime. He may have been wanting to form a stronger bond with his son who, at the time says he didnt know it, but is pretty obviously gay. I can see that. But gay is another thing you're not supposed to be if you're LDS. Anyway Jaime's dad bought him an ATV and encouraged him to ride it, Jaime really didn't want to because most recreation is disallowed when you are in the mission field, missionaries, for instance may not go swimming even on their P (personal) days. But Jaime also wanted to please his dad so eventually he gave in and took the ATV out. There are cliffs when Jaime lives and somehow he went over one. He's been paralyzed since. I think he still feels it is a punishment. His mom did recover though and I had an opportunity to meet her a few times. I never got to see the wildcat side of her Jaime so loves. Anyway I met Jaime working in the Murray office of AT&T and we became friends. I also met his niece Twila and that was when she was a rather selfish it seemed to me teen. She went through a wild period of her own life but it didn't last long. Jaime used to work 2 jobs at a time. He was quite independent and I can remember him being able to get into his white Jimmy and stow the wheelchair by himself. The man could crack walnuts with his bare hands! And funny! Jaime is very funny. But paraplegics have health problems people often don't think about, Jaime spent a lot of time in the hospital. He's a big guy, at least 6'3" and he has become very heavy. After he got fired from a HOSPITAL he was in (he nearly died) his insurance was lessened. Twila bcame is primary care giver and that isn't easy. Every time he goes to the hospital I more than half think he will not be coming out again. Sometimes it's sespsis, Not too long ago he got a bedsore that spread to the BONE and would not heal. He has had more surgeries than I can count. He was in the hospital literally for months wih that bedsore and he almost died several times. I think the only reason he survived it was Twila. She is his advocate to her bone marrow, She can tell by his behavior if something is wrong. She monitors his care like a hawk. I have seldom seen (trying to think if I've EVER seen) one human so devoted to another. Last year Twila was feeling puny. She ended up finally going to the hospital for tests and leaned that at 42 she had cervical cancer. Now, as Jaime's caretaker she did not have insurance. And there were blood transfusions (th price of those would make you sick) and surgery and radiation and chemo. She wrrote about it and it sounded so gruelling. After a time she was declared cancer free. She was still cancer free at her 3 month check up but at 6 months they found hot lymph nodes. Painful tests revealed the cancer was back. metastasized into three grwths, one above each kidney and one near her collarbone. At that time it was deemed incurable but not terminal. She's been hoping to go into remission with more chemo. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life. Her experiences have show ME that I wold NOT choose chemo. But she thinks it will extend her life. She has much to live for. She wants to live. I remember once talking to Jaime and he told me there were times he considered suicide, but his greatest fear was that if you did not face a challenge in your life and learn its lessons that you might be born again into thos circumstances until you did. I totally agree  would not want to live with his challenges. The other day on the phone his voice sounded very weak and raspy. He's on oxygen now and he wasn't using it when he was talking to me because he hates the nose canula.This shortened our conversation. But I want to take every chance I get to share time with Jaime. I'm wishing Twila health wih all my heart for her sake....she is a loving and devoted person and very interesting in her own right though I dont know her as well as I would like, but also because I feel that if she goes, Jaime will not live long after that. And I was HEARTSICK when I learned that despite her cancer and the horrible treatment which has left her with deep and persistent bone pain, exhausted and with many other side effects she is STILL caring for Jaime. they don't have much in the way of medical care or household help. I just think our culture is evil for this. It's like it has said to these two people- you cannot pull your weight, do what you can for yourselves till you die. Twila's daughter, who is a CNA and a single mother trying to raise her daughter stated a fundraiser for her. The amount of money it has raised is very small Yesterday, Thursday, was my only day off last week and I paid$20 for a facebook ad I thought would bring me some grooming dogs for Thursday. I was offering a discount and wanted to donate at least $100 to Twila, but I had NO takers. I think it might have been for the best for me anyway because I am working a LOT and I am exhausted. On Tuesday night I got off at 9pm and went to the store for ingrdients for chili and for strawberry jello salad. I got hime about 10 and stated on the chili. It was midnight before i started the jello salad and that was a mistake because this is a layered salad and the first layer has to set before you can add the last two layers. It took much longer than I thought and I didn't get to bed till 3 am. I was scheduled to work from 3-9 and was planning on taking chili and strawberry salad and and chips and salsa in for a potluck for Marissa. I met Marissa in my CNA class and she is doing nursing school in Cedar City. Wednesday was her last day. And this girl is sweet beyond sweet. Her goal is to be a nurse in a clinic because she loves people and she loves nursing. You don;t meet many people like Marissa. I wanted her to feel loved. Though I too late thought chili might not be such a great idea for a Mexican girl! My friend Kim had brought over a big bag of vegetables from her garden and I used all the beautiful tomatoes and the green peppers in the batch. I got up the next day earlier than I wanted to but figured I could go to bed for a few more hours before work. I was just exhausted. But then my boss called me at 11 and was hoping I would come in. I actually thought I'd have enough time going in nearer my shift but she sounded disappointed so Ii agreed to come early (unpaid of course) On the way I stopped at the store for a few things I'd forgotten and a card and I found a terrarium  I thought she might like. I then started driving to the office, no make up no nothing and I had a crock pot of chili with a loose glass lid on the floor ofth car and the strawberry salad on the seat with a BUNCH of other stuff including that fragile glass terrarium. Of course, as Utah drivers often do a big, white coffee roasting van in the median put on a turnsignal and aggressively manuevered in front of me. Normally I would have made room but with that chili on the floor and all the stiff on the seat I didn;t want to brake but he (or she) forced me to and I was in dread of all that chili and stuff that took so long to make being spilled all over the car. So, I was gesticulating and cursing which I am sure the driver didn;t even see so it was completely ineffectual and already so tired I could not remember the name of the company or I would have called to complain. Fortunately nothing DID spill. I need two other people to carry stuff in from the car. The "party" was nice but in the office itself it is small and only 3 chairs and that is crowded. And I needed to sit down. Then the owner and her son and his wife and a tech who was setting up the cloud on the new computer were in there and I tried to retreat to the driver's room because to me that was a crowd and crowds drain me. Still nice bt it made for  long day. Oh! and at the VERY end a drier called me and told me he had traded with another young driver who had something happen to his grandfather. The older one did not want to be called back but the trade messed up the whole schedule because the older one thought he wold be able to keep a Zion run he'd agreed to do but the later shift meant he couldn't and thr was no other driver so at past the time I was supposed to leave- 9 pm I am calling a customer to cancel the run he was on (that by itself turned into 3 calls) and talking with my boss and redoing the boards and everything. It was 9:30 before I left and THEN I thought I had missed a spa pick up which meant I should have printed something I hadn't so I had to go BACK and there is no place at all to tun around on the back road I take. I was nearly home before I could turn round. When I got back I learned the spa pick up was on the noon and didn;t need to be printed by me after all. I was just doe in by the time I fianlly go home. Thursday I was actually grateful I had no dogs (though also sad) I stayed in bed the whole day and read and rested. In the evening Bruce came in and said it was funny that he could recommend books to me and I would never read them (partially true id it is about his religious belief) but that if JIM recommended a book I would order and read it immediately. This is also true. But it's because I tend to really like Jim's book recommendations. I told Bruce that and that Jim and I communicate almost not at all. And of course i was thrown into thinking about THAT whole can of worms on and off for the rrest of the night. Bruce is not a jealous person but I could tell he felt minimized by how i responded. And my mind was going for hours about it. It is an odd situation. I will never satisfactorily be able to explain it to anyone but from the time I saw jim I felt i was born to love him. When I finally realized that was not a mutual thing and that I had to leave I have said before i don;t understand why I didn;t just die. It would have been better. That loss stripped me irretrieveably of my sense of self worth, of my sexuality of myriad aspects of life you wouldn;t think it would and the damage to me continies and I see not end to it as long as I liv. If we levw othr lives I hope i somehow get around it. It cost me my whole library because i couldn;t look at my books without thinking of Jim.... I couldn't begin to explain it all. Bruce knows I spent 15 years without so much as holding a man's hand and he knows how Miles surpried me and showed me i could love again which I never ever thought I would. And really, I feel insane about the whole thing and just want it to be quiet as possible because how can you really blame a young man for not having the depth and intensity I did? I can't. Though there are times like when I read him spout feminist stuff I throw up a bt n my mouth and he is given to doing that. I can't not react. And I still hurt that I feel he lied to me and could not even end something he wanted an end to in a respectful way. I just try to wall this off inmyself. I half think I should have told Bruce that while I will never be affected like that, that any relationship I have in this lif at least will never match that intensity or effect i also never intend to look into those eyes again and I don;t expect any depth of commuication. I will never put myself into a position of such vulnerabilty again. And Bruce is my good friend and companion. He has proven trustworthy and caring for almost 13 years now. It is what it is and I would never want tohurt him or disrespect him. But yeah, I will read a book if Jim recommends it. And I am really likiing this one. Let me have that litle pleasure!
Again it is late and I went shopping but did not have the energy to cook so hopefully I will in the morning. I sure hope i get some good sleep, but I think I forgot to take my pill so likely I will not. Dang

Feeling enormously sad this morning. Physically very impacted by it. Today is the funeral for my friend's 22 year old nephew who blew off half his head in what I guess was an untreated schizophrenic fugue. And yesterday I posted some thoughts on Facebook wondering about what motivates people to care about the plights of others because my 43 year old friend with recurrent cervical cancer, now deemed incurable, is getting so little help while other causes get a flood. I used the example of a 5 year old who just died from complications from undiagnosed type I diabetes. Her family had over $52 K donations and I noticed it was  over $54K the next morning whereas my friend has $525 in help and that's not even gas money to cover the weekly trips to s hospital she will need for 9 hour treatments of chemo that may prolong her life. Some of the comments on the thread were as hurtful as I can imagine people being.  More too
 One of my favorite little grooming dogs was hit by s car yesterday. I don't know of he will live but I sure hope so. His 'mom' utterly loves him. And yet more but I am trying to balance with some happy thoughts. If I can find any

Why don't I just go visit my mom some friends are asking. I am asking myself that too. On one hand I would like to see her, but she is aware that I would like to drag her out of her house (which would probably not be hard to do legally, even though I don't think she is actually in dementia) She is just stubbornly insisting she can impose her will and her work ethic on a situation that is clearly going to take more than the will and work ethic of a frail 79 year old woman who has multople challenges afflicting her. By that I mean family. I mean my (cough) sister in law and my youngest nephew. both of whom she has restraining orders against and yet both of whom enter her house and steal things and store junk there. And even the oldest of my surviving nephews who lives with (off) her and is supposed to help her. I feel no connection to these relatives an while the boys clearly had a terrible upbringing that would handicap any person from being a decent human being, and probably that can also be said of their mother my empathy is far removed from them. I see them as waiting for her to die so they can ransack her house. I want nothing whatsoever to do with them. I don't want to see them or interact with them. My mom knows this. I think she worries about what will become of the "boys" (men in their mid to latte 20s who, as far as I know have never held a job more complex than being concessionaires at Angel Stadium. From which I think they were both fired. Again, they had terrible raising an my family is deeply deeply dysfunctional so I really try to not be judgmental and to respect my mother's evident wish to support at least the older of the two, the one who lives with her. But I don't want to see them. And truly, my wish is to get her the hell out of that house. But she sees it as a place that has good memories. How that can be i cannot fathom, but she does though she admits it is too big for her and it is very dilapidated in a pretty affluent neighborhood. Her neighbors must flat out hate her. She doesn't have the means to fix it up unless she were to, as I suggested, find a realtor who could invest money to renovate it and sell it, then recouping their investment as well as the realtor fees. A friend of mine kidnapped her mother (who threatened to commit suicide if she were removed from her house) That situation was on par with my mother's. But no my friend's mother is happy and in assisted living. I told my mom about this and she was sly enough to threaten suicide if I attempted to remove her from her house.... The one and only time she has ever spoken to, much less met Bruce on the phone in the 12 years we have lived together was to try to get him to persuade me to "back off" And I can see her point. Her whole life she feels she has been controlled by someone. As the middle child she is a textbook case of all the negative associations of being put into positions her older sister, the princess and her younger brother, the baby King were never put in. She is bitter. And my mom can hold a grudge. And then she married my father who was demonically controlling and if he exists as an entity that can recognize me I beam my contempt at him. So I hardly feel that i have a right, even if it is well intentioned to take control of her life away from her. I remember Bruce telling me that people die all the time in Bombay in worse conditions. (he supposes- I suggested that he go with me to visit her. He was not amenable to that idea) And at her age i have to actually question my motives. I know I would like my mom to be happier and less stressed and be able to do some things that I think she wants to do. I want her to eat a proper diet, one she knows would help her live healthier and which she is not currently getting. But my mom owns the house I live in and I wonder to what degree i am colored by the desire to inherit. I make $10 an hour. I have no savings and I own nothing of any real value. But I do not want to attempt to control my mother as to her assets either. I once tried to talk to her about what provisions she wants to make for the boys (because if she DOES leave her "estate" to me I can't imagine that I would do anything for them. But she evaded the topic. A my level of income I cannot just freely travel. I work 6 or 7 days a week currently and besidess taking the time off there are the expenses of staying at a hotel or someplace and then trying to do what my mom needs or wants to do while i am there. If she is not wanting me to go there then it is a waste of time energy and money that I cannot be wasteful with. I told her I am very flexible about coming if she wants me an that i will do anything I can to help her and try to avoid forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to, but this is really really stressful for me. I feel she could be someplace clean and wher she could have friends over if she wanted to and get her hair done and and and and she chooses to stay in what I see as the pit of Hell. So I have said all this but I am still thinking of going down there for at least a few days.

Another sleepless night. I have promised to call my friend today. Not sure what I can do except just listen.
I  would so much like some time in a cabin with food and water and time to be near trees and look for butterflies and see if I can find worth and meaning in my life. Pretty sure Bruce wouldn't want to go.  Fantasizing about taking the dogs. I can't afford such a trip. It's all a fantasy.  I seem to be what I absolutely did not want to be. A cog in a machine with little discernable purpose.

I was finally able to reach my mom. Told her about the relatives who had died, her aunt, just yesterday morning. Asked her if she'd like me to go down or if she would consider coming up here. Her sister was just forced to move too be with one of her daughters, due to dementia. I don't think my mom has dementia (yet) but she is having health problems. I was glad to hear she is seeing a doctor but apparently she is having some kidney failure. We talked a long time but she doesn't want to do anything different about her situation now. I am so frustrated.

I was up all night after reading a note from a long time friend. Her note was almost apologetic but it asked for prayers because of some things that are happening in her life. One is that her nephew, her favorite nephew when he was a child, who had been in strange and disturbing trouble in his young teens, then was diagnosed with schizophrenia at  16 committed suicide. His mom, my friend's sister found him.

The next part of the note talked about her sister's divorce. the marriage lasted longer than I would have thought it would so that didn't surprise me much. But then she said her own manfriend (I am at a loss for words with many modern relationships) has been distant lately. Well yeah! He's distant! He's been living in FL for several YEARS now, having left without notice for the second or third time in the relationship and just MOVED. They've been in contact through the internet and occasional phone calls and even more occasional meetings.  My friend was one of the most capable, independent women I've ever known. But men! We twist ourselves into unrecognizable shapes hoping for the love of some man. It's a man's world too. I often wonder what life would have been like for me if I'd been lesbian. I don't think I hate men but I do distrust them. I have lived with a man who has been honorable in love for 12 years now. I still wonder when that will suddenly change. Not fair to him perhaps, but damage.

I have not written back to my friend yet. I want to say something that will comfort her, but I really don't pray anymore,,. to whom would I pray? Not the patriarchal Father in Heaven I was taught to believe in. But  need to think of something because she is hurting.

I just got home. That was a long day and every part of me hurts. I think I might have groomed Spice for the last time. Not sure but he is about 17, has a HUGE tumor on his heck and today that was an open sore. He used to be pretty lively for his age but today he seemed skinny, weak and the sore on that tumor was very large. I told him what a good boy he is and I carried him out several times to go potty, he didn't go much and he seemed dehydrated. I gave him water and he did drink some. Then I loaded up the car to go groom Buddy and Bella. It was scorching hot and Spice took extra time because he seemed so frail and I wanted to be very careful with that big wound and I wanted him to know I love him. After he was done I ate some Amy's spinach lasagna and drank a glass of water then I started loading up the car to go groom Buddy and Bella. I thought i was going to die. Bruce helped me at the end but I couldn't even break my table down.By the time I got in the car I was sweating so much and felt so worn out I said, never again. It's too bad it would be better by far for Amy. The cool air conditioning was wonderful and I enjoy them even though Buddy is a BUTT on his feet and face. He looked good. Bella was a good girl (after she tried to bite me a couple times) and she was pretty. Bella was just a maintenance so I owe Twila's fund $60. I tried to deposit in y credit union but the ATM  was't working. Amy tipped very generously for what I charged though mobile groomers charge more. I thought maybe.... but I had to bathe in the tub and I can't go that low. maybe a sink, not a tub. I brought Bruce dinner. I thought of Rebecca all day. Ah well...Not sure if I can do anything there. WAY too tired to even unload the car tonight

I feel hollow and unreal. Bruce has been very sweet. I am watching Under the Dome and thinking about tomorrow. I have my 16 year old dog Spice tomorrow at 9 am and then I agreed, probably not wisely, to go to the home of another client to do her yorkies. that's a LOT of gear to pack up (and ten unpack) I offered to go get the dogs and bring them home when they are done, but she very much wants to be present when they are groomed. She is in a wheelchair and she and her husband stay the whole time in my now EXTREMELY hot garage for the 2 grooms. Tomorrow is going to be very hot and this is a LOT of effort. I want to be accommodating but I only have one day off and I am donating the proceeds to my friend with cancer. I have a feeling i will be way overextended. Well, maybe something will teach me to actually say "no" when I really don't want to do something. Not that I don't like them! I do! and I like the dogs though I think they would be easier to do alone. Just, too much effort for the energy I have. I guess we will see. Maybe it will go ok.

yesterday

yesterday my car would not start and a man closed his shop to come install a battery for me . I was impressed with his kindness and many other attributes. It cost me just under $203 (including the $20 tip I gave him) This and a couple other things were enough to nearly max my one and only credit card with its $1000 limit. I had been assiduously working to get it paid down and was almost halfway there. My checking account currently boasts a balance of under $10. As you can guess, I am not a financially successful person. I have no savings. I do work a lot but it is not nearly enough to even put me on footing anywhere away from the edge of the edge. But good enough. I feel ready to leave this life and I say that because there is little help for the poor who need it. I am amazed at that. I have a friend, one of two that I did a grooming fundraiser for last summer to help (in my very puny way) her fight against cervical cancer. She won the initial round, and while never feeling good, she WAS cancer free at her 3 month check up. But not so by the 6 month checkup. Now, her cancer is termed "incurable" and treatment is going to consist of trying to slow its spread. Her daughter reopened a fundraising site for her and so far it has 2 contributors, me at $170 and another person at $50. Wooohooo! that's gonna do her A LOT of good, huh? Even though it isn't much I at least wanted her to know I was making an effort for her. It is so pitiably little that I wonder if I even should because it might buy her gas to get from Price to Salt Lake but it isn't going to touch her need. I wanted to donate dog grooming proceeds on Wednesdays (my only "day off") and I will for tomorrow and I have 3 dogs so that should be another $105 but then I will have to divert my efforts to saving to pay for my auto insurance and try to get the card back down some.

The other person I did the fundraiser for last summer was fired yesterday. By another friend. She briefly worked with me and I was finally relaxing just a little about her situation. She has 5 kids and lives by what i can only think is Grace. I love both friends and here I am trying not to spill every thought in my head because, well, people's privacy. We are ALL imperfect and most of us are developing (I say "most" because I don't feel I have changed significantly for a very long time) Part of me wanted to quit in solidarity with my fired friend. Not from anger at my firing friend, analyzing my feelings there and trying to sort out what happened will take time. I know it will be worthwhile time because thoughts associated with this friend are always worthwhile but they are going to be hard for me. I am sure she felt it was something along the lines of "needs of the business" I hear that phrase a lot from many corners. I can see that businesses do have needs, but I cannot consider them paramount. To me, businesses exist to serve needs of people, both as consumers and as producers. One of the reasons I like my current job (which I ONLY have because my firing friend who manages this business actually hired me when I would not have applied. I thought I was probably never going to be able to work for anyone else ever again-because of my last job. Long story) I am woven through with love and shock with each of these friends. but from my perspective one is falling off the precipice and I never would have fired her. She was trying hard to learn the job. But it's not my decision at ALL and I am trying to keep my feelings and responses closely controlled. It's hard. If I wasn't SO broke I would be giving money to my fired friend as much as I could. Right now I can't. I have no idea what is going to happen to her because she is losing her subsidized housing. /where is she going to go? We met in school. She is not well founded scholastically but she has a quick bright native intelligence that keeps getting squelched because she has 5 kids, all difficult in one way or another and no money. To me it is the saddest story. and I dont want to come off like I am blaming my other friend. I deeply value that friendship. She is also very intelligent, capable and ambitious and the best thing about her was discovering her heart. I didn't know my fired friend was going to be fired until minutes before it happened but in another way I was fearful that it would. Complex thoughts here. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do. I'd beg from some rich person but a) I don;t know any an b) rich people do not fucking CARE. And while money would help my fired friend, is there maybe some, like, soul reason she is experiencing what she is? Or is it just rotten luck and totally deficient economics?

In other thoughts I was very touched 3 times by things Bruce did yesterday. They are little things, but big to me. One was that I was in bed and had a oad of laundry going. I wanted it moved to the dryer  but I didn't want to get up, partly because i am just exhausted lately and partly because our old dog was napping in his bed beside me and i didn't want HIM to have to get up. I asked Bruce to move the clothes to the dryer and he did it in a heartbeat. Later I was trying to find my glasses which had fallen off the nightstand and having searched by hand (I am blind as as can be without them) I couldn't find them even though the space they were in was small. So I asked him to help me and again he came immediately and found them. Then, when I was late coming home, he thought I was working 2-6 yesterday because I had been given time to get my car attended to (which I greatly appreciated) he called and left a message, somehow my phone ringer was off and when I got home he let me tell my story of the day and he FELT about it. I am so grateful for Bruce.

As I was in bed this morning considering life I was thinking about an idea I came across from reading The Tao of Equus (I had looked at this once in a shop when Bruce and i were so rarely out together, but had put it back not wanting to spend the money and Bruce saw this and bought it for me. It's a really good book. Anyway, the idea was that nomadic societies are morally superior to permanently based societies. At first I guffawed at this but the more I think about it the more i agree. nomadic societies make themselves fit in the world, they do not fit the world to their comfort. And relationships are more important than possessions. Possessions are vey liited due to the need to be mobile. If I were a fit person I would seek this kind of life.

And so goes another post which just skms the surface of what I would like to say but never effetively do. Oh well

A friend who, with her husband, recently became a trucker just posted some pictures near Echo Utah. And seeing them filled me with a rush of gratitude, love and Miles memories. I remembered the big swooping circles of drives we'd take. Up Emigration Pass, out through Henefee to East Canyon (where we first made love after more than 15 years for me of thinking I would never love a man again) Heber and Charleston and Echo.  Oh how I miss our trips!

Oh how I would like to vent. But I can't. One of these days I am going to explode from not venting. it will be messy.

On the other hand I am still thinking about Wild, Cheryl Strayed's book which was the last book I finished in it's entirety (I am still reading little bits of Treblinka and just in disbelief at how low humans ca go) But Wild is good fantasy fodder. I have long toyed with the idea of a name change. Now I am trying to think of a name I would like to be called. And it's not like you can jettison DNA or certain ingrained ways of thinking very easily but I do not have to b attached by name to a man I think was unnecessarily and asshole. I could be wrong. Maybe it was, somehow, utterly necessary but I really don't care to be linked any more than is absolutely requisite.
And I have to admire her stance as "the Girl Who Says Yes" I don't  think she continued it forever in destructive ways but there are some things I wish I'd said yes to. And the audacious undertaking of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail when it was fairly new. I am sure it is still quite a feat. I've tried to imagine how I might do it, or something like it and without massive, committed lifestyle changes and unfathomable amounts of preparation, maybe, but certainly not off the cuff. Kudos Cheryl! I love what I see in you!

Fighting a mix of wild anger an despair right now. Its immediate trigger it what is happening with Twila. I am just so depressed that this is happening to someone who has, for years, made love action. when I see the flurry of words on her page unbacked by action (as far as I can tell) it makes me furious. People seem to be pretty dispensable nowadays. Our government really does not care if we live or die, evidenced by poor health care. I was listening to an NPR story yesterday where a man had a colonscopy in Beverly Hills and was charge in excess of $12,000 for the procedure but because HE had good health insurance which disputed the amount it was reduced to six hundred something dollars.

If this is a recurrence of Twila's cancer as she has been told (but they can't biospy or do much testing because her platelets are so low she would not be able to stop bleeding- she's getting a transfusion but I don't know how long before they can really test.) She was on Cymbalta and apparently it can cause the low platelets, bruising and other symptoms she is having. I am hoping that might be the case but not very optimistic because she was told of three masses after a CAT scan. As she notes in her journal, recurrent cervical cancer is incurable I don't know if that is strictly true, but i do know that as she does NOT have good insurance it is probably de facto.

And me, well I a seething with disgust at people who mouth what they think are pretty words but who don't put actin behind it.

Feeling like a dishrag. One that needs to be washed. Last night i had FOUR ghost dreams. Can only remember tiny bits. In one, the color pink figured prominently, don't ask me why. Because it was the same shade of pink as the panties on Orange is the New Black (after the prison is turned to a private for profit venture) I am guessing it is somehow related to that. In another there was a painting that looked like a treasure map with 2 paths. The one of family and another that deadends and warns of "Jinny" that's all i can remember. Except the usual feeling of complete exhaustion after ONE ghost dream. I got up a little early after a tangent cloud of thoughts about changing my name. I'm 55 and I was thinking I'd really rather not carry my father's name with me to the grave. I hear it and every now and then I think of how much he hurt me. Some by the molestation but much much more because of how he treated my mom ad my brother and because I had loved him so. But I thought, it would be a real pain in the ass to legally change it too and then I thought and if I WAS going to change it I might as well change my first name too. I was supposed to have been David. In the days before prenatal sex determination that's what my parents had chosen. My femaleness was a surprise and LeAnn came from my father's name (LeRoy) my maternal grandfather's middle name (Clarence Lee) and we can sort of throw my mom's sister (LeEllen, who it seems she never liked) into the mix. Yup, I could be rid of the whole name. What would i choose instead? No idea but I am sure the idea will come back around for more consideration. I had wanted to get up because I had promised to send a broke and ailing friend some flea shampoo for her beloved chihuahua and I wanted it too be shipped today if possible. But the leftover dream stuff made getting up hard. Bruce came in and made me smile and as he left he noted VERY fresh Dude poop in the hall. I knew I should get up but I just couldn't. So, he tried to clean it up. I have scoopers on long poles (we used the in the kennel where i used to work and I liked them) You don't need to be anywhere near the poop. But Bruce, who only this morning had decided to try some of what i assumed would be godawful stuff called The Ultimate Meal- which he mixed with CHOCOLATE MILK and managed to swallow three ounces of before declaring the $30 canister a bust, well Bruce tried to clean up the Dude poop. Now Bruce has about the most sensitive gag reflex you can imagine and when I heard him start gagging in the hall could not help but laugh, it's hilarious, but in pity I told him to just walk away and i would do it. But he didn't. And so the hard swallowed three ounces which he said tasted like a garden, dirt and all. Said it tasted like an uncooked black eyed pea or lentil that you accidentally put in your mouth an bit.... well the retching turned to vomit and NO I was NOT prepared to clean that up and by ten from laughing and lingering in bed i really had to use the bathroom where he had thrown up oo the bathroom on the floor, not being able to make it to the toilet. He armed himself with 409 and paper towels and I, without problem, scooped the Dudie poop, transferred t to a bag and plunked it in the trashcan. Then I ordered the expensive flea shampoo which I hope works as well as the Adams i used to use when I lived in California. That was effective on fleas but when I got it on my hands it made me feel aggressive and it made my dogs drool. A bit later I was able to get to the bathroom and then we watched one episode of Orange is the New Black before i had to get ready for work. I wanted to mail the TWO t-shirts (didn't know what color he might like and couldn't contact him from the cafe i went to with a lady I worked with (she was one of my managers) in Salt Lake. I hadn't seen her in fifteen years and I'd never met her husband before. I had a good time and felt i knew her more from tthat brunch than in all te yearrs we had worked together. So, I mailed Joe's tshirts this morning and then went to work. While there I had facebook up for the skow moments and read soe really terrible news. The friend sho last summer had been diagnosed with cervical cancer and who was told she had beaten it is in the hospital. The cancer has relapsed and metastasized. She's something like 15 years younger than me. She takes care of her paraplegic uncle who I am sure would be dead without her. He ends up in the hospital a lot with sepsis and it's Twila who makes sure things are done right for him. I have a terrible feeling for her prognosis and if she goes i think Jaime won't be far behind because the hospitals just really don't pay attention. Twila's daughter is a CNA and trying to get through nursing school and she has a young daughter. I was thinking I am vitally importantt to one human on this Earth, Bruce and our dogs. Not that i want to die but if thre is a plan wouldn't it seem better that someone like me should die than a young woman crucial to her family. And then I watch people post things like "Love and Light" and i hope they actually do something more useful for her than that lip service.
Later i got to do a recommedation for a friend that I wholeheartedly think deserves a position she is applying for. That was a good part of the day.

I am often two opposite things at once, If I had time I'd elaborate but I have a dog at 8 am and I need to wind down from work and I want to listen a bit to Wild, which I am enjoying so very much. One of the aspects of it I enjoy most is her description of how she feels about family. I remember having such a strong sense of family when i was a child and longing for familial and other long term relationships so much. Heck, my idea of a perfect lifestyle was a group of long term friends who lived in a communal lifestyle. Nowadays I number my family as two humans. And really I'm not so sure about them. So I was thinking m tangent cloud of thoughts of family while simultaneously considering buying one of those DNA tests that purport to tell you about your ancestry. The irony is not lost on me. Maybe I wish to feel a connection to a "people" if I am not connected firmly to many actual people. Makes me sort of laugh.

I have a dog coming at 8:30 and then I work from 1-5 and I am so tired I was literally having trouble walking. I told myself to get up at 6:30 but it's 7. That's not something I really do. Hoping I might feel enough energy to eat something before Lily gets here. She's a bichon and she is such a sweet dog but someone shot her in the hip with buckshot and so she has pain and I try really hard to be careful with with her. Bichons are also probably my hardest breed to do well, so I angst. But Bichon angst is not why I am so tired. That was another night spent railing to the ether. The ghost kept me occupied all.fucking.night. It seemed to me that the ghost was considering whether it might be better to leave the tiny thread we have connecting us. An image came to my mind for myself in this stint- it's useable in a lot of ways- I called myself the zombie. I told the ghost to please himself as clearly I have been. and would be. haunted as I have been all these many years whether or not there is a tiny element of his present in my life or not. The ghost seemed concerned with healing, i asked the ghost if zombies "heal". Zombies are reduced creatures of insatiable, irrational appetite. Whereas in a previous LIFE they may have craved devouring mind, soul, experience the appetite now was of a grosser nature and are zombies ever "nourished"? The Ghost thought I might feel abandoned. That made me laugh. I felt abandoned when I WAS abandoned, though it felt more like discarded for newer interests without even polite notification of such a fact. The ghost did not want to break trust. I don't trust the ghost. The ghost is not wholly responsible for my lack of trust, which is pronounced but accounts for a significant portion of the condition. Trust is also something i do not see as healable. I reminded the ghost of an agreement we had and my belief that is was quite broken. Trust seems a funny issue for the ghost to bring up to me. This brought up the empathy that the ghost often seems to express. I saw that long before and I believed it then but now it seems to be a life focus. Where i wondered idly, did that come from? Anyway, it was a long, emotionally fraught night,, and it came down to Do Whatever You Want- I am a zombie. I will now try to collect myself into being a functional zombie

Symbols ?

Symbolism fascinates me. I think there are no coincidences. I think there are sometimes strange communications. Bruce just told me that for 3 days in à row he has seen a spider in the toilet water. He said it looks like the same spider each time. He thought I was putting them there.  But no, I don't think I've ever seen such a sight. And my response to spiders is usually to take them outside and let them go though yesterday I did vacuum up 2 black widows, I think a male and female, together in one web. They were in my groomery and near the tub. I am hoping they are alive in there and will be free when I empty the canister which I thought I would do today. But I slept till 11 am and had to be at work by 1, so I didn't get to it. Anyway, tomorrow I plan to look up symbolism for spiders, water and spiders in water. Maybe also three. I also mean to ask Bruce what he thinks it might mean. How odd it would be if it continued!

I wonder if it is related, or I should say how it is related to an experience I had last night. I found myself in a sensual, free state that I have not experienced for many years. Closest to whole I remember feeling because I was broken so early, in stages and so thoroughly that I don't really remember ever feeling whole. It was exhilarating, peaceful and powerful at once. It had an alone quality, like independence but also a strong yearning to share deep experience with another. It was very surprising. Again, I can't tell if it was a waking or sleeping state. I've been so tired lately but also restless and unable to sleep much or with a feeling of refreshment. Last night I did feel refreshed. I would like to feel that feeling again.

Ghost night. I feel utterly drained. Where do those come from? I can't imagine I would inflict such an experience on myself and I don't for a moment believe the ghost would either. So from where? I can never remember much about it, just the feeling of the person, intense feelings of betrayal, worthlessness and sadness and a feeling of physical drain like nothing else, I can't even tell you whether it is a waking state or a sleep state but it seems to go on for hours. Last night's was topped with the cherry of a dream about 2 lost friends. WTF?

I had a really nice time with Guen yesterday. I enjoyed how she thinks and what she thinks about and the actions she takes in her life to make it what she wants it to be.

My aunt messaged me again. I am having trouble not responding but I think our worldviews are so different that all it would be is futile and painful and what is the point of that? I did think quite a lot about family as a result of her messages. In my world I really only classify my mom and Bruce as family. Not enough contact with anyone else for it to qualify by my definition.

And now I need to get ready for Maggie, one of the 2 dogs I am grooming today. That should be pleasant. : )

Today I am going to meet a friend I made on Facebook. Interesting person, and related to one of the people I really liked from high school. Her voice reminds me of him very much. I have to admit I am having trouble with saying "her" because this friend identifies as a woman though she was born make and is a father. I totally respect that but I am scared I will in some way slip up. I do not know a lot of transgendered people, but I would like to know this one better! She is doing things that appeal to me so much. She has some land, I think a couple hours away (someday I am going to go see this place!) and she is building her own non-traditional home. She's gardening and raising bees and chickens. She has an interest in communal type living which was an idea that appealed to me very much when I was young. I saw a group of friends living close together and having amenities they might not otherwise have had because of different skill sets and a desire to remain close for a long time. I have always fantasized about long deep relationships.   I am excited about meeting her today. We are planning to go to a little Italian restaurant. I've been there once and liked it though it was hideously expensive. It has a good feeling to it so, I will live with the expense and I expect the time spent to be worth it. Anyway, we shall see how this goes.

In other news I had a message from a relative last night. This is rather rare in my world because my dad made sure we were pretty well estranged from family when I was quite young so I don't have a lot of family ties in my life and none are very close. She told me that her husband died - in March- and was sorry they were just notifying me. Actually that's fine with me, And I hope he is at peace and she is at peace and will have some rest and happiness with the rest of her life. She wrote of her husband in very glowing terms and if that is how she experienced the relationship i am happy for her. My own feeling about family is so divided, I have a strong sense of what I wish it was and think it can be, but my own experiences are darkly and sometimes comically different. When I went t visit my mother she very much wanted to talk to this relative but she had a lot of bitterness and i wonder what good that does. when I lived in Salt Lake, I had a call from a man who sounded very much like Morris the Cat, but purring and subtly menacing. I had no idea who it was but the message was asking me if I was Roy and Gloria's daughter (no one except my father's family called him Roy) I learned he was a cousin- and his history was dark and fascinating. I guess I probably shouldn't write about it here (I am going to need to start a paper journal where I can just pour things as I'd like to do without possibly hurting anyone. But as a clue of it all, I learned that his mother had procured a whole other house for her sons and they went rather wild. I remember he used a term that chilled me- Midwest Mafia, Meeting the relative himself was a pretty good summation of how I actually feel about family. he looked much younger than he was and he had mesmerizing stories. There was a feeling of kinship but also that wild, almost too intelligent to be good for you sense I gt from certain members of my dad's side of the family. he was so substance dependent that I cannot remember a time when he was without alcohol or drugs. One of our "adventures" was to try to find the grave of a relative who my dad NEVER let us see. Black sheep in what I think of as a herd of black sheep. My cousin had epic stories and first hand memories.  was still trying to get my head around the idea that this cousin was in Utah and that my uncle was in a cemetary in Utah. that seemed very improbably to me. We found a cemetary associated with him but he had been cremated and scattered there so there was no grave. I won't write much more than this but my end comment, sadly to this extremely interesting, sentimental and wickedly smart cousin was that perhaps the kindest thing one Cole could do for another was to stay away. Anyway, now I am about to call my mom and let her know an uncle has died-months ago. If she answers the phone. Ah family. What it could be, what it is. I once had someone cast a horoscope for me and it said I was destined to end up alone. I can see that happening. The most cherished relationships in my life seem to end no matter what I would do to try to keep them maybe I was born under a solitary star.

spinning, spring of grass under my feet, joy of movement, dizzy dizzy fall laughing to watch the blue heavens swirl.

And now for a very uncryptic update. What's going on with me? Well, at the end of Spring break I decided I couldn't catch up on the semester. I bit off more than I could chew with working, trying to get the grooming business set up, worrying about my mom and my health. I withdrew from school. I miss the stimulation of school and the people but not deadlines and not jumping through hoops I don't want to jump through. I will have an associate's degree, yay. whoopie, But I was incurring debt and being educated is, for me, just a personal pleasure, It will not result in any type of employment that would pay enough to afford school. Upon reflection I've decided to groom dogs and keep my little, eminently leaveable job for as long as I can and want to and after that I will try to think of something else. But whatever it will be will probably be self determined. I am done with the Machine.

Healthwise on the good side, I haven't thrown up since I got the prescription for acid blockers, But my health still needs and deserves serious attention I am not yet paying it. Doing some things, not enough, And my mom is on my mind all the time but I am not in good contact with her. That's my next point of focus.

Advice to those who have not asked: Don't plea for "forever" The Universe may hear you, laugh and give it to you, But it may not be anything like what you wanted.

This was my last day of Spring Break. It went by so fast! I spent today working on "The Mound" in the laundry room. I was the clothes take them out of the dryer and there they stay. It's a real problem. So, I have rewashed, dried and actually put away so many pieces of material today my hands are raw. I tackled a few other chores too, starting several finishing none. I would really like to be able to get truly organized. But...too much other stuff. I am having a bad semester at school. Even though I really liike my classes, well, except political science, but I don;t have time to do anything right and I am wondering if I should even be in school. It's not cost  effective. I wanted to take this semester off, but my mother wanted me off her back, though I feel I really should be attending to her and the student loan paid for $3000 worth of work I needed done on my teeth (and there's more to do) I am really feeling grateful for Bruce but I feel i can't get as close as either of us would like. I don't know why I can't talk easily to him. I've never had that problem before. I try to let him know I love him and keep hoping I will be good to and for him. On the other hand, I cannot get past the ridiculous anger, I have over a past relationship. I have literally been sleepless and it's sch a complicated mix of emotions. I've taken to taking Benedryl just to try to sleep and not go over an over and over it.

There's so much to say but I feel constrained and I feel tired. Life is good though and I am grateful for so much in mine.