- I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Youngest nephew had a fever of 107 and something with white blood cells. I have no idea what the source of this is or if he is out of the hospital.
David;s widow's boyfriend put in the water heater. Makes me squirmy. I suggested moving down there and getting a job. She still thinks it's not the right time but she needs help. I don't know how long I'd be there and I don't like So CA, but talking with a friend about older people forced to move it sounds like a lot of them losre a reason to live and holy shit I think she deserves a couple of happy years if not more
Monday, December 28, 2015
When I look at it, it's not like I am an expert at living. Especially in the areas she really needs help in. I am not known to be practical or handy or good at physical work. She needs skills along those lines. These thoughts and the probability that her grandson would have to leave if I went down there when he does have some skills she could use. I have others and I know my motivations, strengths and weaknesses. If I went down there i would have to quit my little $10 an hour job which does mean that I would be even less "self sufficient" than I am now which is not very. My grooming business would decline. Bruce might need to get a job (he contributes now to our household but it is from a limited fund) I have no idea how long I'd need to be there and if I could persuade her to come back here where I have some idea of how to make a little money. I don't even know if it is best that she move. I mean, that house is huge and it is a mess and her climbing stairs is not a thing that makes my sleep come easily. I have asked her to at least move her bedroom downstairs but she says climbing the stairs is "good for her" I told her exercise might be good but it would be better on a flat surface. So I am still sifting whether what i do is in her best interest. There are a lot of considerations and I can't help but think that what is important to her, most important to her, is autonomy. She may not be doing the best job and it's not even the way she wants it but it is a culmination of her decisions. And I truthfully don't think she's mentally incompetent unless she has been so for years and years. Then again, there's the question, would I do any better by her? Yes, she would eat better. Yes, I could take her wherever she needed to go whenever she needed to go there. Yes, if she let me, I could try to get her house organized, renovated and sold, because to afford renovation would mean she couldn't afford to live there. She's gong to be 80 January 1st. I wish I was financially able to go there AND support myself. I wish she saw my wishes for her as good for her. I am afraid I will do the wrong thing.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
I also learned my youngest nephew is in the hospital, this one apparently not a mental hospital. She has a restraining order against him so I am partly glad he apparently cannot go break into her house. which he does regularly and wondering what is wrong. I was happy to hear he was getting some kind of mental health treatment. I am wondering now if he will be the next family death. My oldest nephew managed to drink himself to death at 28. Asking about what was wrong had to be filtered through my mom. She said something about white blood cells and something like that he could be allergic to people or people could be allergic to him. I feel badly that I have no relationship to the 2 remaining nephews but on the other hand, they are predatory enough that my predominant feeling is relief that this one cannot do anything bad to my mom for now.
Their mother, a person I want nothing to do with for the remainder of forever stopped by my mother's house on Christmas Eve. Apparently as a visit. My mother has a restraining order for her too but it has not been served for lack of an address. She is the bane of my mother's life. Yet, the whole family dynamic is nutsy enough that i can see her at the door, thinking she would somehow be welcome.
My mother asked me if i can find someone to "clean up the front yard" I will certainly look for someone but i think she has an unrealistic idea of what this will entail and what it will cost. It is not a mattter of tidying up or mowing the way I see it.
Mostly I spent the night agonizing about what I should do. Should I try to get power of attorney and force whatt I think is right on her? She would ate that. She's not safe but she is 79 and in poor health and she does not seem to me to bew senile even if she is unrealistic and living with many unnecessary risks. She's going to be 80 in a few days.
I told her I would bring her to Utah, but she doesn't want to come. I told her I would go down and live with her though I hate that house with a loathing that even if it was habitable I don't know how I could stand. But I would stand it. However, just about every terrible reality I ever learned about humans and life I learned in that house. When I was down there to see her last we were sitting on her porch (I won't willingly enter unless she gives me permission to do things to help the situation) and she demonstrated her ability to cause me an astonishing amount of pain seemingly without effort. I was ready to leave when she, out of the blue and for no reason I can think of said something to the effect that she thought my first love was not a serious thing and she went on about it for a little while. It was extremely serious to me and I would think the aftermath of the relationship would have given her a clue that might be so, but from out of nowhere she chooses to bring it up like that as I am leaving.
I do not know what to do. But every new bit of information tells me I should probably do something. Even if neither of us like it much. There is no "safe" but she's in a deathtrap
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
In other news, I was grooming a dog yesterday when a small miracle happened. Our mail lady, who is EXTREMELY dog phobic actually came into the garage with a box for me. I couldn't believe she was getting that close to a dog. Usually she literally runs off our porch when she drops boxes by the door because we have dogs. Even though this dog was a shih tzu and she remarked that it was cute (another thing that floored me!) I was deeply surprised to see her there. The porch was free and clear, so I think she wanted to come in with the dog. Amazed me. The box was from Jaime and Twila. Jaime wrote me a letter (from the hospital) and I will keep that letter as long as I live. They sent me two Native American plates that were his dad's. I want to get these hung up and send a picture of them (with the 2 others Bruce gave me) I love Jaime and Twila. I was grooming the dogs and donated the money from the (and more) to Twila and to my friend Rebecca. I would collapse under the pressure either of them is under and I not only pray for them to get through these times but i feel compelled to do anything I can to help them. I told Rebecca I was going to call her after i finished grooming but I was too worn out to actually do it. A big part of me would like a week totally alone. However, that said, I did really enjoy the company of our dogs and Bruce last night and I think one or the other of the girls stayed with me all night. I was pleased that Bruce flipped our mattress and removed the covering for th foam top so i could wash it. He is very considerate of me, trying to solve problems. I am still doing bedding this morning. Then there's regular laundry.
Friday, August 14, 2015
My friend Jaime called me the other day. I was pleased and surprised. He just recently turned 50 and his voice sounded rough. I have been thinking about him a lot. Jaime is a paraplegic. That happened when he was 19. At that age Jaime, who grew up in a BIG family in a little, predominantly LDS town (though it had more diversity than some, a lot of Greek people for instance. It was a coal mining town. Jaime's family was Mormon and he wanted so much to be a good one. He went o the requisite mission to a little island (so small I cannot remember the name) but it was pretty different. I have the impression they ate bugs. It was very poor. Jaime regaled me with stories and I wish I could remember them with greater clarity, but the braindead thing is in fill force. Anyway, Jaime was absolutely devoted to his mom. Loved her with a fierce love. His father contacted the island Jaime was serving on and, breach of the way things are done in Mormondom, told Jaime his mother was sick and not expected to live and urged him to come home to try to see her. Jaime was torn... after all a big part of LDS belief is that families can be together forever and he wanted that. But you have to be worthy. In any case he did decide to leave his mission to go see his mom. He did this but he was trying to live by the mission rules so that he was remaining worthy and when the crisis was over he planned to return to the mission field. He went home and his dad, a coal miner and of another generation wanted to try to bond with Jaime. He may have been wanting to form a stronger bond with his son who, at the time says he didnt know it, but is pretty obviously gay. I can see that. But gay is another thing you're not supposed to be if you're LDS. Anyway Jaime's dad bought him an ATV and encouraged him to ride it, Jaime really didn't want to because most recreation is disallowed when you are in the mission field, missionaries, for instance may not go swimming even on their P (personal) days. But Jaime also wanted to please his dad so eventually he gave in and took the ATV out. There are cliffs when Jaime lives and somehow he went over one. He's been paralyzed since. I think he still feels it is a punishment. His mom did recover though and I had an opportunity to meet her a few times. I never got to see the wildcat side of her Jaime so loves. Anyway I met Jaime working in the Murray office of AT&T and we became friends. I also met his niece Twila and that was when she was a rather selfish it seemed to me teen. She went through a wild period of her own life but it didn't last long. Jaime used to work 2 jobs at a time. He was quite independent and I can remember him being able to get into his white Jimmy and stow the wheelchair by himself. The man could crack walnuts with his bare hands! And funny! Jaime is very funny. But paraplegics have health problems people often don't think about, Jaime spent a lot of time in the hospital. He's a big guy, at least 6'3" and he has become very heavy. After he got fired from a HOSPITAL he was in (he nearly died) his insurance was lessened. Twila bcame is primary care giver and that isn't easy. Every time he goes to the hospital I more than half think he will not be coming out again. Sometimes it's sespsis, Not too long ago he got a bedsore that spread to the BONE and would not heal. He has had more surgeries than I can count. He was in the hospital literally for months wih that bedsore and he almost died several times. I think the only reason he survived it was Twila. She is his advocate to her bone marrow, She can tell by his behavior if something is wrong. She monitors his care like a hawk. I have seldom seen (trying to think if I've EVER seen) one human so devoted to another. Last year Twila was feeling puny. She ended up finally going to the hospital for tests and leaned that at 42 she had cervical cancer. Now, as Jaime's caretaker she did not have insurance. And there were blood transfusions (th price of those would make you sick) and surgery and radiation and chemo. She wrrote about it and it sounded so gruelling. After a time she was declared cancer free. She was still cancer free at her 3 month check up but at 6 months they found hot lymph nodes. Painful tests revealed the cancer was back. metastasized into three grwths, one above each kidney and one near her collarbone. At that time it was deemed incurable but not terminal. She's been hoping to go into remission with more chemo. She will be on chemo for the rest of her life. Her experiences have show ME that I wold NOT choose chemo. But she thinks it will extend her life. She has much to live for. She wants to live. I remember once talking to Jaime and he told me there were times he considered suicide, but his greatest fear was that if you did not face a challenge in your life and learn its lessons that you might be born again into thos circumstances until you did. I totally agree would not want to live with his challenges. The other day on the phone his voice sounded very weak and raspy. He's on oxygen now and he wasn't using it when he was talking to me because he hates the nose canula.This shortened our conversation. But I want to take every chance I get to share time with Jaime. I'm wishing Twila health wih all my heart for her sake....she is a loving and devoted person and very interesting in her own right though I dont know her as well as I would like, but also because I feel that if she goes, Jaime will not live long after that. And I was HEARTSICK when I learned that despite her cancer and the horrible treatment which has left her with deep and persistent bone pain, exhausted and with many other side effects she is STILL caring for Jaime. they don't have much in the way of medical care or household help. I just think our culture is evil for this. It's like it has said to these two people- you cannot pull your weight, do what you can for yourselves till you die. Twila's daughter, who is a CNA and a single mother trying to raise her daughter stated a fundraiser for her. The amount of money it has raised is very small Yesterday, Thursday, was my only day off last week and I paid$20 for a facebook ad I thought would bring me some grooming dogs for Thursday. I was offering a discount and wanted to donate at least $100 to Twila, but I had NO takers. I think it might have been for the best for me anyway because I am working a LOT and I am exhausted. On Tuesday night I got off at 9pm and went to the store for ingrdients for chili and for strawberry jello salad. I got hime about 10 and stated on the chili. It was midnight before i started the jello salad and that was a mistake because this is a layered salad and the first layer has to set before you can add the last two layers. It took much longer than I thought and I didn't get to bed till 3 am. I was scheduled to work from 3-9 and was planning on taking chili and strawberry salad and and chips and salsa in for a potluck for Marissa. I met Marissa in my CNA class and she is doing nursing school in Cedar City. Wednesday was her last day. And this girl is sweet beyond sweet. Her goal is to be a nurse in a clinic because she loves people and she loves nursing. You don;t meet many people like Marissa. I wanted her to feel loved. Though I too late thought chili might not be such a great idea for a Mexican girl! My friend Kim had brought over a big bag of vegetables from her garden and I used all the beautiful tomatoes and the green peppers in the batch. I got up the next day earlier than I wanted to but figured I could go to bed for a few more hours before work. I was just exhausted. But then my boss called me at 11 and was hoping I would come in. I actually thought I'd have enough time going in nearer my shift but she sounded disappointed so Ii agreed to come early (unpaid of course) On the way I stopped at the store for a few things I'd forgotten and a card and I found a terrarium I thought she might like. I then started driving to the office, no make up no nothing and I had a crock pot of chili with a loose glass lid on the floor ofth car and the strawberry salad on the seat with a BUNCH of other stuff including that fragile glass terrarium. Of course, as Utah drivers often do a big, white coffee roasting van in the median put on a turnsignal and aggressively manuevered in front of me. Normally I would have made room but with that chili on the floor and all the stiff on the seat I didn;t want to brake but he (or she) forced me to and I was in dread of all that chili and stuff that took so long to make being spilled all over the car. So, I was gesticulating and cursing which I am sure the driver didn;t even see so it was completely ineffectual and already so tired I could not remember the name of the company or I would have called to complain. Fortunately nothing DID spill. I need two other people to carry stuff in from the car. The "party" was nice but in the office itself it is small and only 3 chairs and that is crowded. And I needed to sit down. Then the owner and her son and his wife and a tech who was setting up the cloud on the new computer were in there and I tried to retreat to the driver's room because to me that was a crowd and crowds drain me. Still nice bt it made for long day. Oh! and at the VERY end a drier called me and told me he had traded with another young driver who had something happen to his grandfather. The older one did not want to be called back but the trade messed up the whole schedule because the older one thought he wold be able to keep a Zion run he'd agreed to do but the later shift meant he couldn't and thr was no other driver so at past the time I was supposed to leave- 9 pm I am calling a customer to cancel the run he was on (that by itself turned into 3 calls) and talking with my boss and redoing the boards and everything. It was 9:30 before I left and THEN I thought I had missed a spa pick up which meant I should have printed something I hadn't so I had to go BACK and there is no place at all to tun around on the back road I take. I was nearly home before I could turn round. When I got back I learned the spa pick up was on the noon and didn;t need to be printed by me after all. I was just doe in by the time I fianlly go home. Thursday I was actually grateful I had no dogs (though also sad) I stayed in bed the whole day and read and rested. In the evening Bruce came in and said it was funny that he could recommend books to me and I would never read them (partially true id it is about his religious belief) but that if JIM recommended a book I would order and read it immediately. This is also true. But it's because I tend to really like Jim's book recommendations. I told Bruce that and that Jim and I communicate almost not at all. And of course i was thrown into thinking about THAT whole can of worms on and off for the rrest of the night. Bruce is not a jealous person but I could tell he felt minimized by how i responded. And my mind was going for hours about it. It is an odd situation. I will never satisfactorily be able to explain it to anyone but from the time I saw jim I felt i was born to love him. When I finally realized that was not a mutual thing and that I had to leave I have said before i don;t understand why I didn;t just die. It would have been better. That loss stripped me irretrieveably of my sense of self worth, of my sexuality of myriad aspects of life you wouldn;t think it would and the damage to me continies and I see not end to it as long as I liv. If we levw othr lives I hope i somehow get around it. It cost me my whole library because i couldn;t look at my books without thinking of Jim.... I couldn't begin to explain it all. Bruce knows I spent 15 years without so much as holding a man's hand and he knows how Miles surpried me and showed me i could love again which I never ever thought I would. And really, I feel insane about the whole thing and just want it to be quiet as possible because how can you really blame a young man for not having the depth and intensity I did? I can't. Though there are times like when I read him spout feminist stuff I throw up a bt n my mouth and he is given to doing that. I can't not react. And I still hurt that I feel he lied to me and could not even end something he wanted an end to in a respectful way. I just try to wall this off inmyself. I half think I should have told Bruce that while I will never be affected like that, that any relationship I have in this lif at least will never match that intensity or effect i also never intend to look into those eyes again and I don;t expect any depth of commuication. I will never put myself into a position of such vulnerabilty again. And Bruce is my good friend and companion. He has proven trustworthy and caring for almost 13 years now. It is what it is and I would never want tohurt him or disrespect him. But yeah, I will read a book if Jim recommends it. And I am really likiing this one. Let me have that litle pleasure!
Again it is late and I went shopping but did not have the energy to cook so hopefully I will in the morning. I sure hope i get some good sleep, but I think I forgot to take my pill so likely I will not. Dang
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
One of my favorite little grooming dogs was hit by s car yesterday. I don't know of he will live but I sure hope so. His 'mom' utterly loves him. And yet more but I am trying to balance with some happy thoughts. If I can find any
Monday, July 13, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I would so much like some time in a cabin with food and water and time to be near trees and look for butterflies and see if I can find worth and meaning in my life. Pretty sure Bruce wouldn't want to go. Fantasizing about taking the dogs. I can't afford such a trip. It's all a fantasy. I seem to be what I absolutely did not want to be. A cog in a machine with little discernable purpose.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
The next part of the note talked about her sister's divorce. the marriage lasted longer than I would have thought it would so that didn't surprise me much. But then she said her own manfriend (I am at a loss for words with many modern relationships) has been distant lately. Well yeah! He's distant! He's been living in FL for several YEARS now, having left without notice for the second or third time in the relationship and just MOVED. They've been in contact through the internet and occasional phone calls and even more occasional meetings. My friend was one of the most capable, independent women I've ever known. But men! We twist ourselves into unrecognizable shapes hoping for the love of some man. It's a man's world too. I often wonder what life would have been like for me if I'd been lesbian. I don't think I hate men but I do distrust them. I have lived with a man who has been honorable in love for 12 years now. I still wonder when that will suddenly change. Not fair to him perhaps, but damage.
I have not written back to my friend yet. I want to say something that will comfort her, but I really don't pray anymore,,. to whom would I pray? Not the patriarchal Father in Heaven I was taught to believe in. But need to think of something because she is hurting.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The other person I did the fundraiser for last summer was fired yesterday. By another friend. She briefly worked with me and I was finally relaxing just a little about her situation. She has 5 kids and lives by what i can only think is Grace. I love both friends and here I am trying not to spill every thought in my head because, well, people's privacy. We are ALL imperfect and most of us are developing (I say "most" because I don't feel I have changed significantly for a very long time) Part of me wanted to quit in solidarity with my fired friend. Not from anger at my firing friend, analyzing my feelings there and trying to sort out what happened will take time. I know it will be worthwhile time because thoughts associated with this friend are always worthwhile but they are going to be hard for me. I am sure she felt it was something along the lines of "needs of the business" I hear that phrase a lot from many corners. I can see that businesses do have needs, but I cannot consider them paramount. To me, businesses exist to serve needs of people, both as consumers and as producers. One of the reasons I like my current job (which I ONLY have because my firing friend who manages this business actually hired me when I would not have applied. I thought I was probably never going to be able to work for anyone else ever again-because of my last job. Long story) I am woven through with love and shock with each of these friends. but from my perspective one is falling off the precipice and I never would have fired her. She was trying hard to learn the job. But it's not my decision at ALL and I am trying to keep my feelings and responses closely controlled. It's hard. If I wasn't SO broke I would be giving money to my fired friend as much as I could. Right now I can't. I have no idea what is going to happen to her because she is losing her subsidized housing. /where is she going to go? We met in school. She is not well founded scholastically but she has a quick bright native intelligence that keeps getting squelched because she has 5 kids, all difficult in one way or another and no money. To me it is the saddest story. and I dont want to come off like I am blaming my other friend. I deeply value that friendship. She is also very intelligent, capable and ambitious and the best thing about her was discovering her heart. I didn't know my fired friend was going to be fired until minutes before it happened but in another way I was fearful that it would. Complex thoughts here. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do. I'd beg from some rich person but a) I don;t know any an b) rich people do not fucking CARE. And while money would help my fired friend, is there maybe some, like, soul reason she is experiencing what she is? Or is it just rotten luck and totally deficient economics?
In other thoughts I was very touched 3 times by things Bruce did yesterday. They are little things, but big to me. One was that I was in bed and had a oad of laundry going. I wanted it moved to the dryer but I didn't want to get up, partly because i am just exhausted lately and partly because our old dog was napping in his bed beside me and i didn't want HIM to have to get up. I asked Bruce to move the clothes to the dryer and he did it in a heartbeat. Later I was trying to find my glasses which had fallen off the nightstand and having searched by hand (I am blind as as can be without them) I couldn't find them even though the space they were in was small. So I asked him to help me and again he came immediately and found them. Then, when I was late coming home, he thought I was working 2-6 yesterday because I had been given time to get my car attended to (which I greatly appreciated) he called and left a message, somehow my phone ringer was off and when I got home he let me tell my story of the day and he FELT about it. I am so grateful for Bruce.
As I was in bed this morning considering life I was thinking about an idea I came across from reading The Tao of Equus (I had looked at this once in a shop when Bruce and i were so rarely out together, but had put it back not wanting to spend the money and Bruce saw this and bought it for me. It's a really good book. Anyway, the idea was that nomadic societies are morally superior to permanently based societies. At first I guffawed at this but the more I think about it the more i agree. nomadic societies make themselves fit in the world, they do not fit the world to their comfort. And relationships are more important than possessions. Possessions are vey liited due to the need to be mobile. If I were a fit person I would seek this kind of life.
And so goes another post which just skms the surface of what I would like to say but never effetively do. Oh well
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
On the other hand I am still thinking about Wild, Cheryl Strayed's book which was the last book I finished in it's entirety (I am still reading little bits of Treblinka and just in disbelief at how low humans ca go) But Wild is good fantasy fodder. I have long toyed with the idea of a name change. Now I am trying to think of a name I would like to be called. And it's not like you can jettison DNA or certain ingrained ways of thinking very easily but I do not have to b attached by name to a man I think was unnecessarily and asshole. I could be wrong. Maybe it was, somehow, utterly necessary but I really don't care to be linked any more than is absolutely requisite.
And I have to admire her stance as "the Girl Who Says Yes" I don't think she continued it forever in destructive ways but there are some things I wish I'd said yes to. And the audacious undertaking of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail when it was fairly new. I am sure it is still quite a feat. I've tried to imagine how I might do it, or something like it and without massive, committed lifestyle changes and unfathomable amounts of preparation, maybe, but certainly not off the cuff. Kudos Cheryl! I love what I see in you!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
If this is a recurrence of Twila's cancer as she has been told (but they can't biospy or do much testing because her platelets are so low she would not be able to stop bleeding- she's getting a transfusion but I don't know how long before they can really test.) She was on Cymbalta and apparently it can cause the low platelets, bruising and other symptoms she is having. I am hoping that might be the case but not very optimistic because she was told of three masses after a CAT scan. As she notes in her journal, recurrent cervical cancer is incurable I don't know if that is strictly true, but i do know that as she does NOT have good insurance it is probably de facto.
And me, well I a seething with disgust at people who mouth what they think are pretty words but who don't put actin behind it.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Later i got to do a recommedation for a friend that I wholeheartedly think deserves a position she is applying for. That was a good part of the day.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Symbolism fascinates me. I think there are no coincidences. I think there are sometimes strange communications. Bruce just told me that for 3 days in à row he has seen a spider in the toilet water. He said it looks like the same spider each time. He thought I was putting them there. But no, I don't think I've ever seen such a sight. And my response to spiders is usually to take them outside and let them go though yesterday I did vacuum up 2 black widows, I think a male and female, together in one web. They were in my groomery and near the tub. I am hoping they are alive in there and will be free when I empty the canister which I thought I would do today. But I slept till 11 am and had to be at work by 1, so I didn't get to it. Anyway, tomorrow I plan to look up symbolism for spiders, water and spiders in water. Maybe also three. I also mean to ask Bruce what he thinks it might mean. How odd it would be if it continued!
I wonder if it is related, or I should say how it is related to an experience I had last night. I found myself in a sensual, free state that I have not experienced for many years. Closest to whole I remember feeling because I was broken so early, in stages and so thoroughly that I don't really remember ever feeling whole. It was exhilarating, peaceful and powerful at once. It had an alone quality, like independence but also a strong yearning to share deep experience with another. It was very surprising. Again, I can't tell if it was a waking or sleeping state. I've been so tired lately but also restless and unable to sleep much or with a feeling of refreshment. Last night I did feel refreshed. I would like to feel that feeling again.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
My aunt messaged me again. I am having trouble not responding but I think our worldviews are so different that all it would be is futile and painful and what is the point of that? I did think quite a lot about family as a result of her messages. In my world I really only classify my mom and Bruce as family. Not enough contact with anyone else for it to qualify by my definition.
And now I need to get ready for Maggie, one of the 2 dogs I am grooming today. That should be pleasant. : )
Friday, May 15, 2015
In other news I had a message from a relative last night. This is rather rare in my world because my dad made sure we were pretty well estranged from family when I was quite young so I don't have a lot of family ties in my life and none are very close. She told me that her husband died - in March- and was sorry they were just notifying me. Actually that's fine with me, And I hope he is at peace and she is at peace and will have some rest and happiness with the rest of her life. She wrote of her husband in very glowing terms and if that is how she experienced the relationship i am happy for her. My own feeling about family is so divided, I have a strong sense of what I wish it was and think it can be, but my own experiences are darkly and sometimes comically different. When I went t visit my mother she very much wanted to talk to this relative but she had a lot of bitterness and i wonder what good that does. when I lived in Salt Lake, I had a call from a man who sounded very much like Morris the Cat, but purring and subtly menacing. I had no idea who it was but the message was asking me if I was Roy and Gloria's daughter (no one except my father's family called him Roy) I learned he was a cousin- and his history was dark and fascinating. I guess I probably shouldn't write about it here (I am going to need to start a paper journal where I can just pour things as I'd like to do without possibly hurting anyone. But as a clue of it all, I learned that his mother had procured a whole other house for her sons and they went rather wild. I remember he used a term that chilled me- Midwest Mafia, Meeting the relative himself was a pretty good summation of how I actually feel about family. he looked much younger than he was and he had mesmerizing stories. There was a feeling of kinship but also that wild, almost too intelligent to be good for you sense I gt from certain members of my dad's side of the family. he was so substance dependent that I cannot remember a time when he was without alcohol or drugs. One of our "adventures" was to try to find the grave of a relative who my dad NEVER let us see. Black sheep in what I think of as a herd of black sheep. My cousin had epic stories and first hand memories. was still trying to get my head around the idea that this cousin was in Utah and that my uncle was in a cemetary in Utah. that seemed very improbably to me. We found a cemetary associated with him but he had been cremated and scattered there so there was no grave. I won't write much more than this but my end comment, sadly to this extremely interesting, sentimental and wickedly smart cousin was that perhaps the kindest thing one Cole could do for another was to stay away. Anyway, now I am about to call my mom and let her know an uncle has died-months ago. If she answers the phone. Ah family. What it could be, what it is. I once had someone cast a horoscope for me and it said I was destined to end up alone. I can see that happening. The most cherished relationships in my life seem to end no matter what I would do to try to keep them maybe I was born under a solitary star.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Healthwise on the good side, I haven't thrown up since I got the prescription for acid blockers, But my health still needs and deserves serious attention I am not yet paying it. Doing some things, not enough, And my mom is on my mind all the time but I am not in good contact with her. That's my next point of focus.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
There's so much to say but I feel constrained and I feel tired. Life is good though and I am grateful for so much in mine.