About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

April 26,2017

This morning the Tiny Tyrant (Toby) had me up before 4 am. My mom was trying to silence him but I really don't want her to do that. Today he did indeed poop and pee when I took him out but even if he hadn't, I figure better safe than sorry. I've had to change the whole bed. It's not fun. I'd rather get up. She didn't look like she was feeling well yesterday and she still didn't today. She tells me she is fine, and she tells Bruce she and Toby have had a cold. I'm pretty worried about the amount of time she spends in bed, but on the other hand, it's her choice. I try to encourage her to get up and out.

I had an appointment with the CPA today at 10 am so I made early breakfast and got a much needed shower. This is the first time in my life my taxes have ever been late. I usually do them myself, but I had to import a lot of transactions from the bank and couldn't remember how to do it and I am completely fried. I wonder how much this is going to cost and I worry about penalties. I hate being late.  My days are too long and there's not enough time to rest and hardly any personal time. I've been walking around a hairsbreadth from anger and even explosion. I'm doing my best and I wonder if it is sufficient. Bruce and I are clashing more, he says I have expectations and that I don't communicate effectively. I say he lacks empathy. I'm trying to curb my negative feelings and behavior. I hope I can. He's somewhat angry at me for giving the landscaper my actual budgetary lines. He feels the price went up significantly as soon as I did that. I feel I want the job to be done at a certain level of quality and that it is reasonable to pay for that and pay fairly. In most of the work I am letting, or having Bruce deal with the people doing the work and he's doing an excellent job in many ways, better than I would. But in some ways he's making me crazy. Take the roofers. They asked for 60% down to purchase materials. They explained why they needed that much. Bruce has given them NOTHING and we haven't heard from them in awhile. He says I shouldn't be so anxious to part with money, but I want to get projects done. The landscaper, who finally submitted what I feel is a gorgeous plan for the backyard after I pushed him is now being evasive as to what exact date he can start. he answers "soon" and what amount of money he needs to start. He says he needs "something" down to pay for materials and labor. "Something" is not, in my opinion, a workable figure. I really like him and I like his work and I like the people he has assist, but I am getting tired of a lack of progress.

While my mom and I were having breakfast the other day, she asked about her old house. I've been checking to see if there are new pictures up. The one that WAS up made me physically ill to see. I never did like that house, but the condition it came to be in and the morass of horrible events and emotions just stupefied me. The buyer had promised to send pictures but he didn't. However the house was on Zillow and so I showed her. I was glad to see it looking much better than it was but they did a very stock job imo. Anyway, many friends on Facebook had been following the saga and I posted the Zillow information. To me, it was healing and I hoped the neighborhood and the house itself would be happier. Mostly I got positive comments but I found the Ghost still can hurt me. I'm sure not intentionally, but this person caused e the worst pain I will feel in this life and I will never get over it. My impulse was to spew a lot. I decided not to. Trying to let it go but OMFG. Besides the dynamics of that particular relationship I thought a lot about men. Men in my life and in the lives of others. They are, (I'm sorry if you're a man) incredibly privileged and see things in terms of their needs and desires at the expense of women. I could list examples all day. If we do reincarnate and I have any choice in the matter I do NOT want to be a man but I hope I''m a lesbian.

Well Toby is barking and I'm going to take him out. Ten I am going to rest awhile.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

I would be venting so much right now except that I have literally been ordering myself not to (although this is my vent space) and I am so tired it's ridiculous. I won't forget a shred of it I am all too sure but perhaps implosion is better than explosion. Less victims I guess.

Friday, April 21, 2017

April 21,2016

The day was mostly random stuff. It sort of felt like driving and encountering the occasional speedbump. I got up at about 6, it was already getting light which meant that I would have to drive further out of town to relocate the latest bunch of mice. As always, I feel badly, but I really, for sure, do not want the critters in our house and they are there aplenty. So, a drive into the country. I took them to an alfalfa field that was being watered. Maybe not the best choice. It was full morning by the time I stopped.

My next stop was at Star Nursery where I picked up three hummingbird feeders. I think they are pretty, glass bottles, one a pale green (my favorite), ruby red and a gradiated blue. I made nectar and Bruce hung them for me. I need to modify my schedule book to make sure I change the nectar every 3 days. After getting the feeders I went to The Egg and I and got breakfast for my mom and I (Bruce was still asleep and he does not really eat breakfast. After I was done with all that I thought I'd take a nap, but nope, breakfast kept me from sleep.

My dog today, Angelo, was a very good boy and in my opinion looked much much better when he left. I listened to The Book of Joan as a was grooming him. It's a pretty depressing, dystopian book but I can see it. I've told my mom it takes me 2 hours from the time I start a dog until I bathe the dog and she is using that information effectively. She likes long, LONG hot baths. The water had been going on and off all those 2 hours and stopped when I turned on the water for the dog. I was glad it wasn't cold! I cut my mom's fingernails yesterday and checked her toenaisl, which didn't need a trim yet, but I did notice some edema in her feet. I should look at them again tonight. .

As I was starting Angelo I got a text from Crystal, which surprised and pleased me. She wouldn't know that I think about her, her sisters and her mom almost every day and more often recently. She said they (I think her, her husband and daughter) were planning to camp in Zion and she wondered if I would watch her dog. I said I've be glad to, but that if I did he would have to be crated because Jetty Lee is aggressive. I offered to board her dog if she didn't want to have him in a crate. She said she'd let me know. I'd love to see her. It's a pity the house isn't anything like company ready. I don't know when (or even IF it ever will be though I'm working on it as best I can.

I texted Dan, our landscape man last night to see what is going on. We hadn't heard from him in so long I didn't know if there was a problem. Easily there could be. I practically forced unfamiliar software on him because I want a good visual plan though I told him if the learning curve was too steep he could plan in his usual way. So I didn't know if there was software trouble, whether he felt he had bitten off more than he wanted to chew, Of if he was worried about budget- we haven't really discussed budget yet; I gave him a slew of wants and he may be agonizing over trying to make them affordable. I really want the back yard to be beautiful. I am prioritizing it over the house.I need to be outside more, Bruce and the dogs seem to be enjoying the backyard and I am hoping to tempt my mom out of her room and away from that omnipresent TV. Anyway, I was feeling bad and like I was being pushy. To my pleasant surprise, Dan said he had the plan almost ready- but that there wasn't a representation for a chicken coop (I can imagine that) He should be here Monday to show us the plan. I am very excited.

A hummingbird has seen the feeders and Bruce says has sipped from 2, but each time I see it, it flies up to the feeder but does not feed. I hope there's nothing wrong and it's just a matter of time.

Mu mom's dear friend, Lauralee called her this evening and told her another longtime friend died. She had had Alzheimer's. Her husband has taken very tender care of his wife. My mom was going to call them today because one's birthday was 4/20 and the other 4/22. I wonder how Daryl is doing.

I have a tax appointment on the 26th. It's going to be a lot of trouble and expense for the tiny bit of income I made. I hope he can fix it.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Today absolutely wiped me out. It was productive. I got my mom's taxes done and sent, we met with the financial advisor and we picked the new roofing material. But I didn't get MY taxes done and now I am panicking and will have to ask for help that I hope is possible. I haven't been updating Quickbooks and I couldn't figure out how to download past bank information. I am really crispy. I was all over the place today and I am looking forward to bed.

It may be up to 4 weeks before the roof is started. I guess I'm going to need to call the landscaper and there are other schtuffs. I was actually happy when a couple of grooming clients cancelled because I need the time.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Today there were updates in the case of a local man who was kidnapped and killed. Three people involved are being charged bother here in Utah and in AZ where his body was found. The victim had been at my house more than once because his mother's dog  is a grooming client. I felt so badly for her when I heard her son had been killed and even worse when I read the details of the case. I still hope I don't inadvertently say something to her that would increase her pain
The day after I dream of my friend Jaime, I learn he is in the hospital and is unresponsive. Do I believe he really visited me? I do. Jaime ends up in the hospital a lot and they are often long stays. He's paraplegic. He is funny, smart, unusual, loves his family and has had a lot of pain in his life. I honestly don't know what to wish for him here. I really do believe we are spiritual beings that continue after this life. Jaime and I were once discussing suicide and he admitted he has been tempted. Besides landing in wheelchair when he was about 20 and all the attendant indignities associated with that he was raised LDS, believed it intensely and then had to deal with the ideas and behaviors imposed on him when he realized then came to grips with being a gay man. He has been through a lot. He told me that he would not commit suicide because of his belief that if you take that way out of life you will have to come back to the same lessons and he for sure doesn't want to do that. His take tempers me in my suicidal moments. I have them. I was thinking about them from several perspectives the other day. One was from the position of financial insecurity. On the last financial planning meeting my mom spoke privately with the lawyer. She instructed him to take the house our of the trust which means I would never own it though she intends Bruce and I to be able to live there till we die. She had asked me what I would do with the house after I died. I told her I would leave it to Bruce if he didn't die first and then if he did I would direct it to a person who would not be expecting it. I gave her a little of the story of who and why but she was rather horrified. She had the idea of leaving the money from it's sale to the LDS church and the Humane Society. I told her that if it were in my hands I would never do that. Never ever ever. I'd rather it benefit a person. So, she took the choice out of my hands. When I learned this I told her I was very scared. I told her I have not made good financial choices and she understood my pov. I gave her more of that story. I also said that though it seems there is a significant amount of money in the trust, which would come to me, I could foresee not being able to afford to live in this house and that if I couldn't sell it that would be a big problem. I don't know what she will do but I have expressed myself and I've been honest. I will care for her to the best of my ability no matter what she does but I did say I'd like to know so that I can make decisions that are the best for Bruce and me. I pointed out that if we are spending significant money from the trust to fix up the house that I am less inclined to do that if I can't access that money by selling the house if need be. But really, I am feeling pretty mortal these days and I don't know how much longer I will be around. I'm trying to take a don't worry, be happy approach. I keep on running into some longstanding problems though. Often they are generated by the simplest acts. I like to listen to books as I groom or when I can't sleep. One author I enjoy is Lisa See. I recently finished her new book The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane and that left me with a taste for more. Some of her books I have liked a lot more than others. I started Peony in Love and was initially disappointed. Had I not been grooming I might have stopped the book and started something else but there s a rhythm to grooming and I listened on. I came to respect and care about the main character Peony who finds herself a Hungry Ghost. She explores the nature of that place honestly and with the intention of changing that state f she can find a way. The book explores different types of love, the things people in certain relationships owe to one another, spirituality and roles we play from birth and circumstance. The book ended ip being more personally relevant to me than I thought it would. I am very disheartened at the way I see the world going and the destructive, stupid choices I see people in my culture making. that sometimes includes me. I could be a lot more gentle and aware of the earth, the nets of beings who inhabit it and other people.  If I had children I think I would be wild with concern for how they will live. But, we may ourselves come back to this sphere. Even if we don't I cannot overcome my strong conviction thaat we are doing WRONG by the earth. Change is hard, but I try to make changes. Not sure how effective I am , but trying counts for something. And now, I am exploring my own Hungry Ghost tendencies. And I am thinking much of friends and famiy.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

New Shed

The new shed went up yesterday. Antonio and Brock worked very hard, all day. It was impressive. The old shed got a new roof and I think that actually took longer than the whole assembly and roofing of the new shed! Slowly, things are taking shape. Bruce wants to take the massive excess of stuff out to stuff the shed. I don't want to do this because I foresee that it would just sit there and we need to go through all this stuff. I am gong to take 5 days in the first week of May off to start and I think I should repeat that process until all this horrendous amount of stuff is under control. Bruce is dead set on painting the sheds some monochromatic shade of brown or earth red. Since I consider the sheds his it's his call. We will be going to look at paint soon. we took a tour of the neighborhood for roofs yesterday. We like the look of tile best, but it seems, according to all the roofers we spoke with, to be very problematic. Metal is more enduring but has more potential for leaks and the edges are pretty ugly in both our opinions. So, looks like it's asphalt shingles,  not opulent but serviceable.

I took yesterday off to do my taxes and didn't touch them. Not good. I was one form short for my mom's taxes, but I took what I had to a CPA. The lawyer suggested we get a local CPA. I am certain she will end up paying much more this way, but t will never be so complicated again. However, the estimate made me gulp. He said perhaps she will over $35 THOUSAND. In my mind, completely without any substantiation, the figure $12,000 had been living. Huge adjustment.

I've been feeling a lot of stress and then the release of other stresses. I had hoped stress would just go away, but that's not what's happening.

I had strange dreams last night. In one, my friend Jaime came to take me to lunch. It took me a few seconds to realize he was walking (he's paraplegic) I was so happy for him! In the other, I had resumed school in a healing program. The classes I had taken before I dropped out IRL counted and there were a lot of rigorous science classes yet to go but I had already gotten though of some of them. but the surprise component in this dream was that a big part of te healing was DANCE. It is so out of myy range of abilities that I don't even have an accurate way to describe my lack of dancing ability. How did I, or anyone else, think I would be suited for this program? Yet people did and I was doing well in the program. I can only conclude that they had not yet seen my dancing.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

April 6, 2017

Today I am relatively free. So I'm going to have lunch with a friend and try to get my mom's taxes done. Maybe my own if I don't run out of energy.

My phone went kaput, it would not charge or hold a charge. Verizon sent me a replacement yesterday (overnight) but I was too busy or too tired to even open the box. For some reason yesterday my phone charged to over 30%. Last night I turned it off and it's been plugged in all night. This morning it won't even turn on. Pretty sure I am going to lose all my contacts, AGAIN (and I never recovered some from the last time, numbers that were important to me.) But after the high stress point of throwing a fit at the Verizon store I am more sanely realizing that it IS possible to live without a phone. I haven't had it in my bedroom for at least a week and I am sleeping better. Perhaps it will not be allowed back in.

In other news Bruce's shed will be here on the 14th. My mom thought he'd spent THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS on a shed. I corrected the number to three thousand. These projects are expensive, but so much needs to be done. We've chosen roofers and they should be here today to iron out details of the roof. Every set of roofers we had here had negative input about tile roofs which we liked the look of best. I guess we'll be going with asphalt shingles. The roofers we picked said they have 30 year asphalt shingles on their own roofs. I asked Bruce to choose well as to warranty time (they go up to 50 years, but it's a limited warranty in any case and the roofers indicate there might be other roof problems than shingles.) I hope he picks a pretty color if I am not home when they come. He nixed my green. Ah well.

I haven't heard anything from Dan the landscaper. I don't know if he is working on previous projects or if he's trying to learn the software I sent and is working on design or what. Of course, his number is in my defunct phone. Bruce wants me to contact him because weeds are burgeoning, Especially foxtails.

As I am sitting her my nose has started running like a spigot. Must be some pollen I'm allergic to. Yay. Whoopie.

But I am looking forward to seeing my friend!

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Super tired. I thrashed all night and could not sleep. When I finally did get to sleep I had a Ghost dream. We were in some kind of class together, I think Bernie Sanders was the professor. The class was high level and very interesting but had a math and science component, and I was really struggling with the math part which the Ghost thought I should be able to handle without problem. I was kind of touched the overestimation of my abilities there but in truth the math was far too advanced for me (Hell, that could be algebra, algebra made me literally cry) Anyway, not related to the class we had had some fight and we were not speaking. I don't remember the details. I do remember he brought an article printed in a newspaper that he wrote as a child. It was a short article. I remember being intrigued when it said it was continued on another page, but there was almost nothing there. The only line I can remember from the article was where he had written, "relationships are precious" which made me roll my eyes in regard to ours but then I thought, maybe he really does value his other relationships. There was a baggie stapled to the newspaper with two kinds of seeds, I recognized one kind which is large and star shaped (we misidentified this as walnut, but I have no idea what the other seeds were. Then Toby's barking impinged on my consciousness and I heaved up to take him out lest he pee on my mom's bed or something. I don't have a grooming dog until 2. After that I have 2 nail trims. I am bone tired. I am not scheduling myself any days "off" (there won't be any days off for me as long as I care for my mom) but no dogless days, and even though I can only do one or two dogs a day it takes a lot of time and energy. I still haven't taken care of either of our taxes and it's APRIL!!! Well. It's hotcake day, I'd best make them. Bruce has been listening to old Appalachian history, music and religious stuff. Love the music, but the religious stuff makes me sad and tense. This is General Conference weekend. I felt bad when I realized that I had contacted Dan yesterday.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

April 1st

Today's been a nice day so far. I enjoyed the dog I groomed and the book I finished listening to (Hillbilly Elegy) I sat in the sunshine with my mom and Bruce and all 4 dogs for a pleasant time. I got some needed chores done and now I am making chicken in wine sauce (we shall see how THAT goes, I haven't made it in forever)

I texted the landscape guy I like to offer to buy landscaping software, if he felt comfortable trying it. He has done his work by hand heretofore, but I am concerned that Bruce and I are not visualizing the same things and I''d like some really good graphics. Since the project will be expensive I thought the software would be a good and relatively inexpensive venture if Dan likes it. And he would have it for his future projects, including our front yard when we get to that. I hope it is a good and useful tool.

Otherwise I am sleepy and would love a nap, or a siesta in the sun but since I am cooking that won't happen just now. I should make strawberry salad while I'm at it.

Thursday, March 30, 2017


Feeling weird. Off to the financial advisor alone. 

We might get an estimate for the roof today and I have a meeting with the landscaper too. Also, I hope to give blood today. 

Tuesday, March 28, 2017


The first big project is done! I LOVE our new wall! Living for a couple of weeks without any barrier between us and 2 neighbors have assured that I will never take this wall for granted. It was also great to see the dogs get to be in the back yard outside that small, but serviceable area Bruce created for them. We'll leave that up for landscaping. I should call Dan, the landscape guy. Tomorrow Bruce has an appointment with the first roofer prospect.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Life Direction

I'm  getting cues that this time in my life may be trying to teach me to be quieter. I'm not sure if that's really the lesson or if I am engaging in a form of cowardice, but I am starting to think that many many many things are less my business than I've taken them to be.

Here are some examples, The other day the next door neighbor approached Bruce in conversation. His entry question was, "So, are you working now?" I don't know if this was a way of establishing status (because our culture determines the value of a person by their work) or if it was a way of wondering about the funding for the projects we are doing on the house or what his actual intention was, but I found it to be a fairly rude question. I thought I might my impression to him when I spoke to him next, but I spoke to him today and decided against it. We talked about the wall, he said he felt badly that he and his wife are not in a position to afford to contribute. I said, in complete honesty, that we wanted it the way we wanted it. I said that I felt badly that they only had a day's notice before the old fence was gone and I think all of us who have not had a fence have been keenly aware of the lack. We taked a little more and somehow I've agreed to try grooming their dog, who is bigger than I generally do. We will see how that goes. Another neighbor, an older guy, also approached Bruce and asked,"Is this your house?" Bruce answered that it was my mother's at which point I could hear Bruce's status fall in the guy's voice. "Oh", he said, "Well, you've decided to fix it up?" I was thinking, "What's your address sir so I can survey your domicile and render an opinion on what it might need to bring it up to snuff" On my Facebook page a dear friend who is a conservative Republican posted an article in response to my own disgust, posted on my own page, in regard to Trump's cutting the finding for Meals on Wheels. Her own post was a fact check that said this was partially true. That program is only about 35% funded by something he COULD cut and he did it. Her commentary was that she was so glad the program would continue to exist. I really really really had to fight to keep quiet when she added that she likes many of his cuts. To me, the Republican stance is to use government benefits as they are available to Republican's own families but to wish to deny any aid to anyone else who may need help. I worried that if I jumped in with my opinions with the passion I feel I might jeopardize my friendship with a person I truly like, even if I cannot fathom her politics at all. I think this Trump fiasco is so laden with dangers to this country it amazes me that it is not baldly apparent to everyone, yet I have friends that support him still. In this instance I merely commented that he had cut what he could of Meals on Wheels funding and that it seems to me that his intention is to impoverish the citizenry to such an extent with his policies that the other funding will be lost because private citizens will be too focused on subsistence survival to afford charities.  Here, I wonder if I should have said more. In another instance i happened across a Facebook post by the person I would typify as the most influential person in my life, though I am on the edge of periphery in his. He was "concerned" about the demographic makeup of a graduate program he is in. Apparently he's the only male. He said there were 2 Asian women and the remainder of the class was comprised of white women. He fancies himself all kinds of activist including feminist and I almost choked reading something like: I love white women, I am related to many and I live with one but they do not have the most complete picture of what is going on in the world (this is badly paraphrased , but seemed to be the gist). I went emotionally ballistic. It was very hard for me not to comment on that, which would have been out of the blue. I had to tell myself that that was none of my business and I wonder of I should end the Facebook connection. I know I am never going to get rid of my feeling of connection, but I felt like some kind of spy and that it was inappropriate even in some way to know this opinion much less to have such a strong reaction.

More or less, I feel I am at a stage of life where I should be boldly living my beliefs, but staying out of other people's business. I feel I should be concentrating on the few relationships I have where people have invested care in me and to go deeply into those and into things like learning gardening and learning about chickens and taking time to just enjoy rain in the back yard and books and maybe find time for a little play and art- those kinds of things. I feel like maybe the cycle of life is winding down for me, perhaps a long wind down, maybe not and that I should think about withdrawing from the more blustery storms of life and look for more peaceful pursuits. It will be a topic of my thoughts.

If I survive my mother and Bruce does too, I've told him we might consider moving to the country rather than a suburb. He thinks it's too noisy here and it does seem that the people here think hey should have more say in our lives than I wish to agree with.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Blocks are HERE!

Mixed Bag

Yesterday I finished "The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit" about a man who at age 20, climbed into his car after work one day, embarked on a roadtrip from Maine to FL then back up north, abandoned his car at a likely looking spot and then vanished into the woods. For 27 years. He did steal necessities from nearby cabins and parks which eventually resulted in his arrest. I found it to be a very interesting story. I have hermit fantasies, but no survival skills to back the urge up. This guy was incredibly apt at surviving.

One thing I love about my (very abbreviated now) job of grooming dogs at home is that I get to listen to audio books. I have so many  good and pleasant clients and get to listen to so man books! Her are some pics of dogs I've done in the last couple of days. As well as a pic of Addie, who I will do today.

This is Addie. I'll do her today. the first time she came, which was her first ever groom she acted like I was Satan incarnate. I was very surprised they left her. I've never had a dog react to me like that! But, that over, she's been a sweetheart ever since!

This is Taffy. You could not ask for a sweeter, cuter little dog! I charge less for her because she is so easy to do. She's a joy!

This is Lily. I love Lily!!!! They just open the car door and she runs to me, She was just a bath yesterday, but I did a little neatening.  I see I could have done better on her head. Her "mom
" and I met in Chemistry class. I love Annie. Annie's dad dropped her off and picked her up yesterday. I love him too. He made me laugh when he went straight to the backyard to talk with the workers and Bruce

This is Bella. She is a VERY sweet girl. She came in matted to the skin so she's bald now, but it will grow. The little girl who loves her. I'd guess she's 6 or 7 liked Bruce's prints I have up in the groomery and she picked Bella's bows and bandana

This is Nino. I love Nino. He's a character! 

And this is Max. He's one of mine. He's starting to look scruffy again, which is good because I manicured him too much here. Bruce and I call him The Scottish guy. He's hilarious. He's smart and self directed. He likes to kill mice and ruin PJ's toy time. Yesterday he demonstrated that he can get out of the little containment fence Bruce no fence in the backyard. This is very bad. Because he did it right in front of the girls, who could follow. And yesterday, we were told the blocks for our wall are still in the oven!!! I have no idea how long we are going to be fenceless!

Thursday, March 16, 2017

March 16,2017 was a good day

I just realized I missed the goal of adding my drop to the inundation of Trump. Wow, Time flies! I never even know what date it is unless I look at my indispensable schedule book. It was lost yesterday. Bruce found it in my bed (where I'd already looked) at about 11pm. People contact me at all hours for appointments. I was terrified the book would not be found and I'd have no idea what I was supposed to be doing for the next two months. I am truly grateful Bruce found it! Today, he presented me with a heart of malachite and pyrite. I love malachite. Now I'm trying to think of a place to put it where I will see it daily and I won't LOSE it!

I took today "off" (I never have any true days off anymore) to take my mom to get her labs done. But I had so many other things to do that I was out and about much of the day and did not realize I had forgotten to set the car clock ahead for Spring. I got her to the Dr's office about 17 minutes before they closed but they declined to test her. So, more on tomorrow's plate. She did look really pretty in her new clothes.

Much was done in the back yard today, the AMAZING St George City people were here and I will post pictures.. We also had 2 wall guys here (the boss comes back tomorrow) We're supposed to have 4 wall guys tomorrow. The wall should be finished they say now, by the end of next week.

I called to commend the St George City guys. They were really truly awesome. The pictures aren't in order. But remember, we just called to see what kind of leeway we needed to give the old pole. They OFFERED to move it. And they we nice, professional, let me take pictures, tightened he Santa Clara power lines so that they aren't resting on the shed, offered to hail off the old pole or leave it ad when I chose to have it left, they cut it up and stacked it as firewood!

Today, the wall guys also hauled away the wood from the old fence.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Not meaning to be depressing, but mortality has been on my mind a lot lately. My mom has serious kidney disease, I am hoping she has some more good years to heal some from what her life had become. I think that's a reasonable hope. I think she wants to live as long as it doesn't mean extensive medical intervention. I'm with her on that. Neither Bruce nor I am in good health and I find myself wondering who among us will go first. I'm hoping for my mom. Not because I want her to die, but because I'm starting to think the purpose of MY life might be to get her out of hers in the best way possible. Not the purpose I would have chosen, but it's looking like it may be that. Bruce coughs like the long term smoker he is. And has heart problems, so he's in the running. And I throw up every night, rather horribly, unless I take kidney damaging pills. Right now I am not taking the pills. Yesterday, Bruce mentioned how much gray is in my hair now and how fast that happened. I practically could feel it happening in the nightmare that was California. But yes, I am feeling old. And while I am so happy that the house is getting needed renovation, and that I hope it will be the very pleasant spot I envision pretty soon, I smile to myself wondering how long we will get to enjoy it. I hope for some time. But I am feeling extremely mortal. And while I am happy to sink money into the house, even if I am NOT around long I would not be happy to see medical expenses suck money away. I figure, for myself (and everyone else here seems to have made the same decision) that we won't be fighting hard, at least financially, to preserve our lives.

I usually am up by 5:30 at the latest to take Toby out and check my mom's blood sugar and bring her some juice and water. (Then I go back to bed. I do not sleep well and try to get as much sleep as I can) This morning I didn't wake up till almost 8 am! I was in the midst of an epic dream concerning the greatest pain in my life. As I've said before, it's not resolveable, but apparently I'm going to work on it all my life. Last night's version was different in that I was my own advocate. Usually in this conflict I am looking for how I was at fault. In this version I was seeing the extraordinary measures I took to preserve the relationship and the honesty I had in confronting what was happening, even though it devastated my worldview and I truly never have recovered. But in this version I was kinder to myself. I was glad.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Today the sliding glass back door was repaired. I am very grateful because it was paubful for me to open and sometimes I couldn't budge it. Now it opens easily.

The power pole is going to be moved sometime within the next 3 days. I would like to watch it, but I doubt I'll be able because I have NO days off. And people are getting kind of pushy about scheduling. It's hard for me to say no, but I need to because I am feeling like death. I'm making dinner for my mom but I haven't eaten anything since breakfast yet I am still throwing up. Not going to chance eating dinner.

Underneath it all I am feeling like whatever happens happens.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Starting Projects

We've been starting work on the house. We had the leak in the ceiling caused by improper installation of the HVAC unit fixed (we hope)...it hasn't rained since)

Now the emphasis is on the backyard. This is because we really need to do something about the fencing, My mom and I want a wall, Bruce would be happy with a fence, being as that should last for 30 years and I don't think any of US will. But....a wall has a longer lifespan. Problem is getting someone to build the thing! We thought we had a person lined up, but once the yard was cleared (no small feat, it was a mess) the mason is not returning calls. Here are some pictures of the back yard as it stands now.

I want to be spending a lot more time outside than I am now. My idea for the backyard is to be a sanctuary where all of us will enjoy being. I want a garden, a compost bin, a chicken area (Bruce hates this idea, but I love fresh eggs) several seating areas with a fire space, a water feature, nice lighting and music and maybe misters. really pretty plantings (probably xeriascapes) bird feeders  a grassy area, Bruce sees fescue and pine trees He also wants a big shed. He called the city of St George about the power pole in our backyard. That is not owned by Santa Clara, it runs power out the the Shivwits Indian reservation. They were really nice and promptly (!!!) came out to have a look. They are going to replace the pole and move it much nearer the fence (wall) That may take several weeks. But we shouldn't have to worry about it again in our lifetimes.

Here are some ideas. We also wants lots of succulents and some ornamental trees Bruce had the very nice idea of purring up 3 big trellises as a privacy screen. They'd be planted with Trumpet vines which attract hummingbirds. My mom really misses her hummingbirds.A friend suggested Bruce design a mandala out of succulents.