About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Neither Bruce nor I got any sleep last night. He got up at about 8 am which is very early for him as he is a night owl but it takes him forever to wake up. be functional and get ready. With his anxiety it is so hard for him to get out the door. he retches, he hyperventilates and he panics. I was pretty scared myself, but I can only imagine what the morning felt like for him. We did get out the door and to the Dr's office. It wasn't very crowded so he had less stress. I was grateful. I went into the examining room with him. The medical assistant, Elizabeth, was very nice and helpful. We saw a PA that a friend tells me is good, but unfriendly. She barely looked at Bruce but she did say it looked like a keratosis to her, but that if we would come back at 1:30 there would be a dermatologist who would look at it and probably burn it off. WE came back. There was a lot of confusion but finally we got to see Dr Fawson. My friend Annie was researching him and texting me and it was all good stuff. He looked at this growth and sort of at one one Bruce's head, He said he thought they were keratoses also but that the one on his back especially had characteristics of melanoma so he proposed excising it and sending it for a biopsy which made me want to cheer. And that's what they did. There was a medical student from Las Vegas there and so I got to hear a pretty thorough explanation of what was happening. They gave Bruce an injection of lidocaine and he cut around, with the skin lines about 1/8" margin around the growth. He said if it turned out to be melanoma they would have to remove more tissue. He went deep, not into the muscle but just above it and it took two layers of stitches to close. Bruce says he didn't have any pain during the procedure, but he's starting to now. The Dr gave him care instructions and made another appointment for next Monday at 2 pm. This appoint cost us $10 (Dr's Free Clinic) and the lab for the biopsy will be $75. Next time we should get results and he plans to "scrape and cauterize" at least one on Bruce's head. I plan to shave his head so we have a clear view of what's up there. Anyway, I think we were both feeling very relieved at the probability that this is not melanoma. It sure made me take a look and see how truly grateful I am for Bruce and I think he felt a new lease on life. May it work out this way. We are both very very drained and we didn't get home till after 4 pm.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Last night Bruce and I were in bed watching Lost when I had a very intense dizzy spell. It was so sharp and physically affecting I wondered if I was having a stroke or something. While it was happeing I had such a mix of fear and exhilaration. When it subsided I quickly looked up stroke symptoms, it seemed that wasn't what had happened. I was very tired and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep but before I did I felt myself , a better version of myself, sitting by a beautiful stream, light dancing in sparkles on the water and complex currents running musically. It was very beautiful and I had the sense that that was where I was "supposed" to be. It was as if all the petty, greedy, commercial aspects of the world were something i had left behind and that where I was now was Reality. It was nice!

Monday, February 15, 2016

Called my mom. told her I made the chicken salad and it came out pretty well. We talked about me going down, but of course I told her I need to know what is happening with Bruce. He did call to make an appointment, but of course he called while they are at lunch. Guess I'd better go to work.
I barely slept last night. Bruce was up at about 7 but he hasn't made an appointment. He went back to lay down. Says he doesn't feel well. I can only imagine. I am going to try not to nag, push or  pretend i have any idea what's best for him but to be as supportive as I can.

Last night I paid $5.14 for a package of celery!!!! Granted it is organic but that is still so much! I forgot to get green onions and I have a plan to make the chicken salad today and let my mom know how the recipe came out so i suppose I should get cracking on that.

I am pretty overwhelmed right now. If Bruce actually has cancer and it is serious what do I do? I feel I should go help my mom, but I will be here for Bruce. Since we had no idea about the possibility of melanoma he is not at a stage where he is feeling it, or better to say, knew that that might be what he's feeling. He's been feeling poorly for months. I figure it would take probably a good three months at my mom's at a minimum, and then to implement whatever she wants to do as far as a place to live. I told her the other night that I think it will cost at least $200,000 to renovate her house. She had an estimate for one bathroom for $25K. Meanwhile she's in the same unhappy state with the "family" there. Bruce says if I go I have to take the dogs. I CAN'T take the dogs. Jetty Lee would probably kill her little Toby.

I'm not feeling so well myself. It wouldn't surprise me if I died before Bruce even if he does have melanoma. And, when it comes down to it, if I can help him and my mom I'll be satisfied to leave this life. As I type this another part of me wants to take a road trip and try to revive a sense of joy, but no money for that. I feel pain and lack. And the pain of people i love is (surprisingly, because i can be selfish) worse than my own maladies.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Bruce and I are taking a quiet day. I am going to work (I think) from 3-9, but if not, that's fine too. Melanoma has not been diagnosed but both of us think he has it. If not, we will probably laugh giddily and maybe make some changes. But with the one on his back and several others on his head we think it's melanoma. What's weird is that melanoma was never a disease I thought of for Bruce. I could think of a lot of physical troubles that would be crowding the line in his life. Melanoma was never on my radar for him. It has always been for ME, because I have a jillion moles and I am pretty fair skinned. I was in the sun a LOT because we always had a pool as I was growing up and twice I sunburned to blisters. But I never thought of it for Bruce. He's been feeling very crappy and for a long time too. Since last night, he's been in turmoil. Who wouldn't be faced with a strong possibility of cancer? He doesn't want to be a burden. He won't be a burden. or maybe he will but not an unwelcome burden. He deserves to be cared for when it isn't easy. There have been a couple times when he has cried. I hugged him once and tried to give him some privacy another time. I'd probably be doing the same thing. But suddenly my priorities are very clear. Bruce and my mom. How we make it will be an adventure an a mystery.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

I did look. Several similar spots on his head.
Bruce says he has other thins on his head that feel raised. He asked me to look through his hair. I am afraid to see. But I will look in the morning.
Y'know I thought it was a bad day when I went to work and saw a big note that we wouldn't be paid until NEXT Friday (payday was supposed to be yesterday) I wonder if that is even legal and I have concerns about whether I will be paid at all if you want to know the truth. When my boss called I asked her why we weren't paid. Basically, because it's more convenient for her to make one more check instead of 2. WTF? I told her that was very arbitrary. Things could have gotten very ugly because I had an urge to tell her what I really think. But I thought, it's only a few more days and it doesn'tt matter that much. She called me back to tell me if I was short she would write ME a check. I let that go too. Later my friend and manager called to "see if I was ok" and to tell me I sounded unstable and easily roiled over what she considers, apparently as unimportant things. She reminded me that my boss is my BOSS as if I don' have a right to question or object to anything. I was thinking the word "boss" implies being paid. I had a whole lot more that I didn't say. Anyway... I keep telling myself just a few more days.
After work I went to the store and spent $75 of my last $100 in the bank. I have some cash here if Maggie's "mom" wanted me to pay the vet bill which was only $68. I'd pay that and a followup if she wanted but she won't take the money. I am happy to heat Maggie seems to be healing and can see. I was feeling appreciative of Bruce and went to scratch his back. To do this I had to breach the thermal shirt he wears all winter. I felt something that did not feel good at all, and persuading him to let me lift the shirt I saw what looks like a melanoma. I was so concerned I took a picture to show him. He pooh poohed it, but the thing has all the signs. Bruce and I both have a fatalistic streak, but I asked him to please read up. He has agreed to make a Dr appointment on Monday. I hope they can get him in on Monday. I really think this is a melanoma and it is bigger than a quarter inch. That put into perspective how bad the day really wasn't. He's agreed to to to the Dr but he says if it is melanoma and if it has metastasized and is terminal he will go someplace because he doesn't want to be a burden. OMG!!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Ok, so.... this is not really a public place and even if it was, why should I NOT be able to tell an experience of my life? Because my soon NOT to be boss doesn't want it voiced? Well I am not in any big forum but I am going to here. My boss called me today, an hour before I was to be at work and told me (on the day after I turned rather unjoyously 56 ) that my last day is Tuesday from my $10 an hour job. But, hey! I'm eligible for unemployment!!! I am a throwaway person. I feel so deeply SAD I don't even know how to get through this at all. I di call my mom and tell her that this would be an excellent time for me to go help her
wow. as of next Wednesday I am unemployed. Can't say more now.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I groomed a little schnauzer the day before yesterday. Maggie. When she first started coming she was very fearful and she would bite, but she was also very sweet. Over time, she has become more trusting though she is still fearful. I really like this dog and I like her owner. Grooming at home, I can take my time and I do. It usually takes me about 3 hours to groom a dog. Maggie was done in about 2 and a half hours and I was very pleased with how pretty she looked. And with the enjoyable time. She did resist on her feet and legs but she was good on her face which is why I was so surprised to get a text from her "mom" yesterday saying she was at the vet with Maggie and Maggie has a huge ulcer in her eye that the vet says was caused by clippers. I take lots of pictures after a groom is done and she is not squinting or tearing. She never yipped or anything like that. I told her I scissored close to her eyes. I could not imagine how or when this could have happened. I asked if it could be a reaction to shampoo and she said her vet said it would have been different if shampoo or hair, that this was a puncture. She said Maggie might go blind in the eye. I am heartsick. I offered to pay the vet bill (the owner says she wouldn't let me but if I hurt her I feel responsible to do what I can) Ive asked her to let me know how Maggie is doing and she will. Grooming dogs can be so satisfying but in times like this I never want to risk the possibility of hurting one. There are many dogs who are definitely a danger to groom, they fight and jump around. It is not like a human going for a haircut. Maggie is on my mind today.

And today I turned 56. No other birthday has affected me the way this one us affecting me. I feel disbelief and dismay. I am nearly 60! How did that happen? My mom called and it was nice to talk to her. Every time I do talk to her though, it makes me want to drop everything and go to California to help her as best i can. She lost her tv remote control and her cable company sent her a replacement (for $10) but it is the wrong one and so she's been without tv. I told her I think she can get a universal remote at a grocery store (not that i know anything about it really) but tv is her only entertainment. She also said her tv has lost it's color. I wondered if maybe it's her eyes but she said the tvs downstairs have color. I told her I think she should go get a new tv. We chatted on a variety of subjects until,her phone died. I will call her later. I need to mail her some recipes she wants. I have them all ready to go. Just trying to get out the door to go to the post office. I haven't had breakfast yet, not even my warm lemon honey ginger water and I'm hungry. It would be nice to go to brunch with a friend but then again I am thinking of making the chicken salad recipe I am sending my mom to test it. I recreated it from memory. I've had lots of greetings from friends which I appreciate very much, Bruce came in to the bedroom at midnight to give me a kiss and a card (Glinda- he sees me as Glinda ) He said a bunch of sweet stuff and just made me feel special. I am breaking in the new squishy pillow he gave me (they get more squishy with use) I am very grateful for Bruce. Today I hope to cut back the roses- it's already getting warmer here and make sure the sales tax thing is right and a fe other chor things. Otherwise i think I will just read today.

Monday, February 8, 2016

My mom called yesterday, just to talk. We were on the phone I think for about 45 minutes, chatting about this and that, but in the course of the conversation she said a few things totally casually that blew me away. I really did not need to have a lower opinion of my father, but now I do. And one thing that amazes me is that she still thinks he was a good man and she still loves him. Now, I fall short in the Unconditional Love Arena. I know this. But her example tears me in two ways. one is an admiration for her ability to love apparently regardless of the circumstances. I think there's something very pure in that but the other half wants to SCREAM at her "ARE YOU BUGFUCK CRAZY????!!!!" These are some for instances from yesterday's conversation. A story I had heard was that they both worked for North American Rockwell. I heard that my father pulled my father's employee picture off the board and after a passage of time I know nothing about, they ended up married. The picture was in his wallet when he died. I am unsure of timeframes here but I THINK they married (eloped to Las Vegas) when my father was 30 and my mother was 23. They married on the 4th of July. If this is correct and I was born February 9th then I was the probable reason for the marriage. She said something in the conversation yesterday about feeling she had to do extra to "make up" for the fact that she wasn't working. First of all, she did way beyond any reasonable expectation, but I also reminded her, "You told me that he said, when you were pregnant with David, that if you continued to work after the baby was born he would divorce you." She then casually said, "I had no choice. He was my supervisor and he terminated me." Just WOW. My father was a lusty sort. In addition to my mother and a predilection for girl children, he apparently had a rather playboy existence. My mother let drop that he had her buy Hershey's kisses- for him to eat with another woman at the office. And either that one or another wanted him to take her to Palm Springs. But this is nothing as honest as polyamory. this was just flat out cheating in my view with my mother as his slave and never a valued person either. There was more in this conversation of yesterday but i am still chewing on this stuff. If I have a poor attitude about men, it is well warranted through generations of men in my family.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Talked to my mom. It is so frustrating and my heart goes out to her. I'm going to send her most of my dog grooming money. I asked her not to give it to Corey. I don't know if she will do that or not. She says she won't. She's still "not ready" for me to go down there. "Yet" she said. So maybe soon.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Only us...... We have had a mouse problem. It tapered off and we thought they were, if not gone, at least not interacting on a level we can't stand (ie in our pantry, our drawers) We suspected there were some in a cabinet. Anyway, they returned to the pantry which cannot be tolerated. Last year, catch and release seemed to do well. We used non lethal traps, no glue or anything like that either. The commercial mouse catcher we bought at more expense than we liked gathered NO mice. Not one. but Bruce's own contraption of a medium sized plastic trash can with a paper towel tube baited with peanut butter poised above it yielded good results. Bruce did read that mice removed from their nest usually die and that made us sad because we really do not want to kill living beings. But we did want them out of the house and we figured at least they had a chance. The last mouse I evicted, I took so far away (I usually drop them off in a field in Ivins) this time I took the mouse way past Kayenta. (I was driving Bruce's car to charge the battery) Anyway, that mouse was so cute and I felt bad when I took him, worse than usual. And when it became very cold a few days later I felt very guilty. So... the other day a mouse apparently jumped into the trash can without the lure of the bait. The bait tube hadn't moved. We were astonished. More so when two more did the same! So....three baby mice in the can. I could not bring myself to take them to a field knowing they were going to die. What did we do? Bruce (who had apparently been considering this for awhile) suggested a habitrail he'd seen on ebay. So, having discussed it with me we agreed to fork out $40 for the cage (complete with wheel) and some bedding material. I still plan to rehome them to a field when it warms up, but this could be the winter solution. Only us....

Monday, February 1, 2016

talked to my mom this morning. It was depressing. She knew it was depressing. Nothing more has happened that she wants to happen. She realizes she is too old to do the work she wants done. She tried to get Corey to start helping her clean the garage out. What did Corey do? He painted her mailbox. Brown. I again offered to go down there. She says she thinks it wouldn't be fair to me. One and only mother. I am so frustrated