About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Really dark night of the soul. Got little sleep last night. I'm exhausted and feel hopeless. On Monday I am going to CA to see my mom who needs help. I hope I can help. She's been told her kidneys are shitting down and I don't know what her prognosis exactly is but it sounds like she may finally be ready to get out of her current life situation and I have to help her however i can. But even this short trip is going to be hard. I work for $10 an hour at a job with no benefits and no paid vacation and the expense of just going down to see my mom is a big deal and if she IS ready to make a change she's going to need much more of my time and she's also going to need things I don't have, like strength. I was anticipating talking to my "sister in law" who I do not think of as family in any way anymore and I feel the same about my 2 remaining nephews. I don't want to be embroiled in any big scene but if I see them, and chances are good that I will, I want them to know I feel no sense of connection to them whatsoever and that if I can help it, they are done taking advantage of my mother. I say that yet she owns the house I live in rent free. I can't afford rent. But I know I will take better care of her and make whatever time she has, hopefully some years, the most pleasant and appreciated they can be. But if she agrees to get out of that house extricating her, and whatever she wants to keep is going to be a major job then finding a way to renovate the ho ouse and sell it. I don't have much idea how to proceed except to go there and start doing what I can. I was down there last year and asked her just to consider moving and she began to barf, unable to stop, at the restaurant we we in. My "sister in law" and one nephew regularly break into her house. The other nephew lives with her but can hardly be considered an asset. I was thinking, if I can somehow get through this, make the rest of her life as good as it an be, somehow last for the life of my companion and our pets that i am more than ready to die, just need to figure out a way to do that when these obligations are met.