About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Peace Today

Because I make awesome hotcakes. but seriously thankful because that negative stuff wears me out and especially when applied to my mom's situation which seems way too tenuous to want to waste precious time with it. I think Bruce helped, he talked to her companionably for a long time last night.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Mama Drama

Having a fight with my mom an it is totally draining me. It's also making me feel guilty, and as if I should not speak bad truth to my MOTHER who is old, infirm and waning. However, that is not what I did. The fight was about the car she gave to my friend Grace because a) she could not drive it and B) my alcoholic, unlicensed, uninsured nephew refused to give her her key. At the time I told her she could have the car disabled, have it taken to a junkyard (you should have seen what a mess it was) or she could give it away. My friend Grace offered to take it. My mom signed the title and we had the car towed, pronto. While my widowed sister in law screamed that it should be hers or Corey's.... The whole point was to do it fast before Corey had a wreck possibly hurt or killed someone and got my mother's whole estate taken from her. But my mother felt it was too fast. Did she want the car? Could she drive the car? It would have been a done deal, except that when Grace tried to get the title changed to her named the DMV told her there was a lienholder on the title, so we had to contact the credit union it was financed through and get them to take the lien off. I knew my mom had paid off the car, it was a 1997 Camry. She had owned it free and clear for YEARS. But she was miffed with the speed with which we had acted and the credit union had become another credit union and blah blah blah. I tried several times to resolve it. I got nowhere. Meanwhile, Grace had taken that car apart and cleaned it thoroughly and gotten it into as much running condition as she could without driving it. A LOT of work and Grace is a skilled worker. My mom has for some reason labelled Grace as her enemy. I cannot fathom why. When her wreck of a house had the burner of a fairly new electric stove burning on HIGH for MONTHS Grace was the one who went and turned the thing off. Not the nephews. They are lucky the house did not burn down. I think my mom is jealous of Grace and it makes me sick. Anyway, we were getting notices threatening a lawsuit because the car, still on my mom's name, was not registered. It was a fiasco. I did not have the time or the know how of how to resolve it so I finally resorted to contacting the lawyer (who my mom has met like 5 times in her life and while he is a nice guy and I like him he makes $230 an hour and she has amended her trust to give him his outstanding student loan-currently $60,000.) But she objects to me resolving the matter and she objects to me involving the lawyer (on the basis of money mind you) Anyway I did, after a year, resort to resolving it and his secretary (Notary public) came by yesterday with papers for her to sign. She knew the lady was coming but she is further mad that I brought her into her bedroom (it's hard for my mom to get up and about) Also, papers to resolve this issue were not the only papers she brought, the lawyer, unbeknownst to me though he had written me an email mentioning it but I didn't read that till later) sent durable power of attorney papers naming me as her durable power of attorney. I had no idea. Now my mom already feels she is losing control. I have wanted durable power of attorney because it would make acting on her behalf so much easier but this was just sprung on her. Shocked I asked if that was necessary and the secretary said it's just somethin people sign in her situation. That's disingenuous. My mother said to just give it to her and she would sign it. And she did. But we've been arguing and she's been pouting ever since. Thing is, my mom is no angel. When she said, "I don't trust you" I told her flat out I had less reason to trust her than she had to distrust me. I asked if she wanted to get into it. She said she did so I started ennumerating things she has done to me. The last thing i want is contention but I am not up for installing her on a pedestal and kissing her ass either. Nope. Just not. Even if I landed on the street, which I easily could. So today has been an unpleasant day. I don't know how much longer this situation will last. To me it's just plain stupid and self defeating. she refused breakfast this morning (I did test her blood sugar and it was 235 so she may have eaten somethig in her room) And I tested it again and it was 166 in the afternoon so my fear of low blood sugar reaction was unfounded. I brought her dinner and just left it with her and I believe she ate it. but good grief! WHY all this drama?

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

4th of July, 2017

I was about to go bugfuck crazy. I needed some fun. So I messaged my friend Rebecca and we decided that she and me and 3 of her kids would go have a meal and go bowling.

Now, I probably haven't been bowling in close to 20 years. I sure haven't been in the 16 years I've been involved with Bruce, though I used to beg. But, Bruce's dad, at some point in quite a varied career path was a professional bowler and Bruce was a good bowler (in the 200s)  He SAYS he won't go because he cannot smoke in the alleys anymore, but I think it also has to do with going with a person whose good bowling days are in the 60s.

The last time I remember bowling I was sick as a dog. But I was very happy because I was on a roadtrip with Miles and we were in Moab. We'd been to Mi Vida  restaurant on the top of the bluff (long since closed) It was an upscale joint. I was so sick I only ordered French onion soup and I remember the stretchy, rich cheese. Miles ordered something with capers and when it came the look on his face was so hilarious I will never forget it. I was so dang sick that things seemed hallucinogenic. Despite that, I was the one driving. And damned it I didn't see myself run a red light right as I ran it. I was very surprised and upset, but not as upset as I was when I noticed the police car right behind me. As I was getting my ticket Miles was cracking jokes which made things worse in my opinion but sick as I was and embarrassed I could not help thinking the man was funny. We proceeded to the bowling alley and I bowled my usual dismal score (I average about 60) but I had a lot of fun. As we were leaving the proprietor came running out after us. He said we hadn't paid. Now I thought we had, I've never stolen anything on purpose. I paid him out there and was further embarrassed. That was one funky illness! I don't remember getting back to our motel.

Anyway, the bowling today was fun. We went to Fiesta Family Fun Center and shoe rental was free because of the holiday. I wasn't the worst in our group, but I sort of felt badly that I wasn't. The high score was 99, so we all sucked. But happily.

Now I;m about ready for bed and should go there and grab some sleep as I need to be up at about 4 am to get my mom to the hospital to check in at 5:15. I'm sure fireworks will have me up way past midnight. I'm worried about the surgery. I think it's pretty minor, it's outpatient, but my mom will need to protect that arm for the rest of her life and it's going to be very fragile. She has to go to her nephrologist the next day.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Overreacting?

We ordered my mom an air-horn. She decided to take a bath, which I am all in favor of. She takes Toby in there with her and closes the door. I was in my bedroom, mere feet away and I heard Toby baHrking a little and decided to go check on her. She has always liked long hot baths. I go in and she's sitting in the empty tub and tells me she's been calling me for awhile. I never heard her at all. Toby of course, had pooped on the floor and when I let him out of the room he peed in the hall. I helped my mom out of the tub and into her room, got her some clothes and then proceeded to bleach things. I use more bleach more regularly than I ever would have imagined and laundry is a serious time consumer nowadays. But I'm getting better and more organized at it.

Bruce thought a bicycle horn would do but nope, I want a freaking air-horn. When I went to Lorena's graduation someone in close proximity to me had one and I was impressed at how its utilization launched me out of my seat. That's what I need. Something unsubtle and unmistakeable. She's going to feel so powerful!

I Need To Be More Aware

I knew that today was July 2, but thought it was Saturday. I was getting very confused trying to mentally prepare myself for the week with that erroneous presumption.

I am, (and it is blissful!) debt free. When I paid off my one measly credit card I blocked it because I saw 2 charges on it I didn't understand. One was for Classmates, which I really don't use. The other was for Netflix. "Wait! Doesn't Netflix come out of my checking account?" I checked and indeed that is the way it was set up. I could not figure it out until last night I remembered I had set up a Netflix account for my friend Steve. YEARS ago. I don't even know if he ever used it. But I've been paying it for years. One one hand I hope he was getting use from it in which case I feel badly for cancelling it, but since we don't currently talk I think that was the right thing to do. But if he wasn't ever using it-what a waste of money!

I'd like to think today is going to be a more relaxed day than I've been having lately, but reviewing the necessary to do list in my head I see that it is NOT, unless I choose to leave things undone.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Consultation with the surgeon who will create the fistula Monday 6/26 at 11:30.  My mom was not pleased it is so soon, I am.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

06/22/2017 Nephrologist

I really like my mom's nephrologist. He was so shocked by the drastic plunge in her kidney function that he had a nurse draw blood and ran the test again while we waited. Her other numbers were improved on the previous test so it seemed weird that creatinine went to 3.7. He asked what was going on. I told him how much she is sleeping and mentioned the huge weight gain which I don't think could possibly be food since she barely eats (another symptom of kidney failure) I told him about the increased edema in her feet. I told him about diarrhea and falling. Today was the first day she let me use the wheelchair and I hope it made things easier in her perception, it sure was great in mine! He decreased her nightly insulin to 7 and the nutritionist he brought in suggested I could do 6 if I felt that was better. I love the flexibility. Her blood sugar was just 51 this morning after 8 units of Lantus last night. The nephrologist doesn't want hers lower than 100. That seems really good to me. I don't give her any if the night's blood sugar reading is 200 or less. Anyway, her toxins numbers are good (about 35) so something is working. He thinks she's dehydrated. I'm encouraging her to drink more water. He removed an alkalizing medication for now and her blood pressure medicine for now also. Those will probably be re-added if she gets stronger and her nutrition improves. We asked about whether hemodialysis or peritoneal dialysis would be better for her. He said he generally prefers peritoneal dialysis for his elderly patients but that for now she is too weak. He's referred her to a surgeon to create a fistula but that needs to season. Because her other numbers are good he is not ordering a catheter in her neck right now. Hopefully the fistula will have time too season. We have to go back a lot more often. We have an appointment in 2 weeks and I should get the surgery scheduled by Tuesday (don't know when it will be though) If she improves on the hemodialysis we can switch to peritoneal later. I am happy she is willing to try dialysis and that we have a plan. She will also be taking a protein supplement and fortunately she likes it so that will help with protein. we went out to dinner at her favorite buffet after the appointment and she ate better than she has in a long while.