- I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The other person I did the fundraiser for last summer was fired yesterday. By another friend. She briefly worked with me and I was finally relaxing just a little about her situation. She has 5 kids and lives by what i can only think is Grace. I love both friends and here I am trying not to spill every thought in my head because, well, people's privacy. We are ALL imperfect and most of us are developing (I say "most" because I don't feel I have changed significantly for a very long time) Part of me wanted to quit in solidarity with my fired friend. Not from anger at my firing friend, analyzing my feelings there and trying to sort out what happened will take time. I know it will be worthwhile time because thoughts associated with this friend are always worthwhile but they are going to be hard for me. I am sure she felt it was something along the lines of "needs of the business" I hear that phrase a lot from many corners. I can see that businesses do have needs, but I cannot consider them paramount. To me, businesses exist to serve needs of people, both as consumers and as producers. One of the reasons I like my current job (which I ONLY have because my firing friend who manages this business actually hired me when I would not have applied. I thought I was probably never going to be able to work for anyone else ever again-because of my last job. Long story) I am woven through with love and shock with each of these friends. but from my perspective one is falling off the precipice and I never would have fired her. She was trying hard to learn the job. But it's not my decision at ALL and I am trying to keep my feelings and responses closely controlled. It's hard. If I wasn't SO broke I would be giving money to my fired friend as much as I could. Right now I can't. I have no idea what is going to happen to her because she is losing her subsidized housing. /where is she going to go? We met in school. She is not well founded scholastically but she has a quick bright native intelligence that keeps getting squelched because she has 5 kids, all difficult in one way or another and no money. To me it is the saddest story. and I dont want to come off like I am blaming my other friend. I deeply value that friendship. She is also very intelligent, capable and ambitious and the best thing about her was discovering her heart. I didn't know my fired friend was going to be fired until minutes before it happened but in another way I was fearful that it would. Complex thoughts here. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do. I'd beg from some rich person but a) I don;t know any an b) rich people do not fucking CARE. And while money would help my fired friend, is there maybe some, like, soul reason she is experiencing what she is? Or is it just rotten luck and totally deficient economics?
In other thoughts I was very touched 3 times by things Bruce did yesterday. They are little things, but big to me. One was that I was in bed and had a oad of laundry going. I wanted it moved to the dryer but I didn't want to get up, partly because i am just exhausted lately and partly because our old dog was napping in his bed beside me and i didn't want HIM to have to get up. I asked Bruce to move the clothes to the dryer and he did it in a heartbeat. Later I was trying to find my glasses which had fallen off the nightstand and having searched by hand (I am blind as as can be without them) I couldn't find them even though the space they were in was small. So I asked him to help me and again he came immediately and found them. Then, when I was late coming home, he thought I was working 2-6 yesterday because I had been given time to get my car attended to (which I greatly appreciated) he called and left a message, somehow my phone ringer was off and when I got home he let me tell my story of the day and he FELT about it. I am so grateful for Bruce.
As I was in bed this morning considering life I was thinking about an idea I came across from reading The Tao of Equus (I had looked at this once in a shop when Bruce and i were so rarely out together, but had put it back not wanting to spend the money and Bruce saw this and bought it for me. It's a really good book. Anyway, the idea was that nomadic societies are morally superior to permanently based societies. At first I guffawed at this but the more I think about it the more i agree. nomadic societies make themselves fit in the world, they do not fit the world to their comfort. And relationships are more important than possessions. Possessions are vey liited due to the need to be mobile. If I were a fit person I would seek this kind of life.
And so goes another post which just skms the surface of what I would like to say but never effetively do. Oh well
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
On the other hand I am still thinking about Wild, Cheryl Strayed's book which was the last book I finished in it's entirety (I am still reading little bits of Treblinka and just in disbelief at how low humans ca go) But Wild is good fantasy fodder. I have long toyed with the idea of a name change. Now I am trying to think of a name I would like to be called. And it's not like you can jettison DNA or certain ingrained ways of thinking very easily but I do not have to b attached by name to a man I think was unnecessarily and asshole. I could be wrong. Maybe it was, somehow, utterly necessary but I really don't care to be linked any more than is absolutely requisite.
And I have to admire her stance as "the Girl Who Says Yes" I don't think she continued it forever in destructive ways but there are some things I wish I'd said yes to. And the audacious undertaking of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail when it was fairly new. I am sure it is still quite a feat. I've tried to imagine how I might do it, or something like it and without massive, committed lifestyle changes and unfathomable amounts of preparation, maybe, but certainly not off the cuff. Kudos Cheryl! I love what I see in you!
Thursday, June 18, 2015
If this is a recurrence of Twila's cancer as she has been told (but they can't biospy or do much testing because her platelets are so low she would not be able to stop bleeding- she's getting a transfusion but I don't know how long before they can really test.) She was on Cymbalta and apparently it can cause the low platelets, bruising and other symptoms she is having. I am hoping that might be the case but not very optimistic because she was told of three masses after a CAT scan. As she notes in her journal, recurrent cervical cancer is incurable I don't know if that is strictly true, but i do know that as she does NOT have good insurance it is probably de facto.
And me, well I a seething with disgust at people who mouth what they think are pretty words but who don't put actin behind it.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Later i got to do a recommedation for a friend that I wholeheartedly think deserves a position she is applying for. That was a good part of the day.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Symbolism fascinates me. I think there are no coincidences. I think there are sometimes strange communications. Bruce just told me that for 3 days in à row he has seen a spider in the toilet water. He said it looks like the same spider each time. He thought I was putting them there. But no, I don't think I've ever seen such a sight. And my response to spiders is usually to take them outside and let them go though yesterday I did vacuum up 2 black widows, I think a male and female, together in one web. They were in my groomery and near the tub. I am hoping they are alive in there and will be free when I empty the canister which I thought I would do today. But I slept till 11 am and had to be at work by 1, so I didn't get to it. Anyway, tomorrow I plan to look up symbolism for spiders, water and spiders in water. Maybe also three. I also mean to ask Bruce what he thinks it might mean. How odd it would be if it continued!
I wonder if it is related, or I should say how it is related to an experience I had last night. I found myself in a sensual, free state that I have not experienced for many years. Closest to whole I remember feeling because I was broken so early, in stages and so thoroughly that I don't really remember ever feeling whole. It was exhilarating, peaceful and powerful at once. It had an alone quality, like independence but also a strong yearning to share deep experience with another. It was very surprising. Again, I can't tell if it was a waking or sleeping state. I've been so tired lately but also restless and unable to sleep much or with a feeling of refreshment. Last night I did feel refreshed. I would like to feel that feeling again.