About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Friday, September 23, 2016

I got back home to Utah Monday after being in CA since the day after Mother's Day. My mother now lives with us. What a challenging, humbling, empowering and surreal set of experiences THAT was! It was full of doctors, police, courts, lawyers, old friends as far back as high school, long lost relatives, day workers and Murder Dog and more! I have been exhausted for months, but things are definitely on the better side now. I just made (and unfortunately ate) some olive casserole and I made it so hot my nose is running and my breath actually feels fiery. This does not bode well for a good night's sleep, so, while I am way too tired to write much here I bet I won't get much sleep tonight. Bruce is teasing me because Max, one of my mom's 2 dogs which have been added to the family, is clearly auditioning to be my number one dog.
I just thought I'd see if I could log in here. I only took my phone. I don't think I will ever travel without my computer again!

Sunday, May 8, 2016

My mom's car is back. My nephew apparently went to Olive Garden with his mom. He made MY mom, who supports him, mashed potatoes, corn and, she said, some kind of sausage.
I called my mom to wish her Happy Mother's Day and listening to her I was so frustrated with her and the things she needs to get done I said,"Why don't I just come down for a few days? Just to get some of these things you really need  done. Then I will go home. I promise. Wouldn't you like to gt some of this stuff taken care of?  I was surprised when she said, "I think I would. Will you stay at the Denny's? (I usually stay at a Best Western which has an adjacent Dennys) I said I sure could. I got off the phone with her telling her I'd call back and went to put some money in the bank. Looking at the Best Western I learned a 5 night stay would be $595, which I really didn't want to afford so I booked a Quality Inn for $450. Really I will just need to sleep and bathe there. Bruce can't understand why she doesn't want me to stay with her but I can. I called her back and told her I'd see her tomorrow. I asked her to think of all the things she needs done for now. I mentioned the lightbulb that went out in the stairway (I just HATE thinking of her on those stairs) My nephew hadn't changed it for at least 2 weeks so she ws going up and down in the dark. But she says he has replaced it now. So... the list of things I think are urgent are to get her to a doctor for a blood sugar test kit (she doesn't currently have one) get her to an audiologist for a hearing test and to order hearing aids, get her to a Dr for an eye exam and eye drops to control pressure in her eyes. Take her to see if we can't find a magnifying light that will allow her to actually read her mail, take her to get her taxes done (or go myself if she doesn't need to be there) take her car to get and oil change, an inspection and be registered I'm not sure what else she urgently needs but those things are a good start. I went to bed because I've been running very tired an don't have the energy to do anything tonight. In the morning I need to notify the few people scheduled for grooming appointments that I won't be here next week. I'll offer them free replacement appointments. I've already gotten gas. I need to lay in a few supplies for Bruce.I need to pack. Things are charging now. I was trying to get some decent sleep but the phone rang and it was my mom. She told me my nephew took her car. This is without permission. He doesn't even have a driver's license. She says the car has insurance but I don't know what her liability would be. She does allow him to drive it sometimes because she needs things so she does not want to report it stolen. I just wish she would get out of there. What remains of her life should not be like this. Her life should never have been like this. Anyway I am tied up in knots right now. I can only go down and see what I can do. And let her choose to stay or move as she wants.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

My mom called this morning as I was grooming the day's first dog. She says she thinks she got a hearing aid (she did not explain why this was not a sure thing, but I am very curious. She says she went to the Dr and was given something for excessive wax in her ears. Really glad it's not an infection and hopefully it will solve her hearing problem. She said the visit was a check up. I am wondering what they said about her cough. I tried to call her after I was done with all the dogs but she is not answering. Hopefully I can get her tomorrow morning. Walking at 7 (Need to do this!) First dog (so far only dog) is not till 10:30

Sunday, April 17, 2016

My poor mom! I made the tax appointment for her, she missed the tax appointment, she wouldn't answer the phone yesterday but she called me today.. So did the tax people. They were willing to get her in tomorrow, so I called her back. She says she got an extension and now wants to wait till she gets a hearing aid (she just told me she's having trouble hearing live conversation. She can hear on the phone but not in person) She was going to try Walmart. I told her she might want to go to an audiologist and found a well rated one near her. But she didn't want me to make an appointment. Still says she is not ready for me to go down there.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Wow! got her a tax appointment. She wants to have David's wife drive her rather than a cab. I wish she'd take a cab, but her way. maybe she's afraid she couldn't get a cab home. I am not sure. I'm going to call her an hour before to make sure the ride is arranged. I told her I'd like to finish dogs I have scheduled but I could be there Thursday. I could be there sooner if she needed. She really needs help. At least her voice sounded better today
My mom's tax guy retired. Now on Yelp trying to see if anyone is available to do them on April 15th. No one there is open yet so I guess it's time for a shower

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Just got off the phone with my mom. She sounded worse to me but she says she feels better. She says David's wife came over today to try to get her to go to a Dr. Or to a pharmacy, I am not sure and neither is she because she can't hear her. In all, it's pretty concerning. I asked her why she doesn't want to go to the Dr and she said because she wants to avoid a problem, which translated means she's afraid they will put her in the hospital. She's primarily worried about her little dog. I suggested to her that if she is so sick that "they" might put her in the hospital she might die at home and asked her what she thought would happen to Toby then. She knows it would be nothing good. Toby HATES my nephew. I am pretty sure my nephew is none too fond of him and he sure as hell does not take care of my mother. Then she mentioned taxes. The other day she mentioned the word taxes and I told her she only had a couple of days to get them done. This was the other day. They are due by tomorrow. I told her the only way I can think they could be done on time is if she has her tax information together and I can call this errand place and have them ferry the information to her tax preparer. She is going to call me back tonight. She either needs to do that or to get an extension. I'm more concerned with her health than her taxes thoughShe said the IRS called and she thought it was for David's wife so she gave her the number. I told her the IRS does not call people and it's a scam. She's so vulnerable. Again, I offered to go down. She sounds like she might be on the verge of letting me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

I was finally able to pay the delivery service that took my mom food and medicine the other night. It was $40 for the stops and delivery, $15 for the medicine (they did get her Vick's Vaporub and some non drowsy cough medicine so apparently CVS is a ripoff) and I included a $10 tip. At least I know of someone who can deliver to her or run errands for her if that is needed. So that is one relief. I still feel I would prefer to be there.

At home I am happy. So strange, because my little business is so far not making very much, but I love doing it. I LOVE working at home by and for myself. Grooming the dogs is meditative and pleasant. So far, my customers are happy and I like the company of dogs. I am listening to audiobooks as I groom. It's wonderful! I feel sunniness coming back to my disposition.

I took myself out for breakfast at The Egg and I this morning and found they now have green juice made of kale. cucumber, a fiji apple and lemon. Tasty and I now have a quick juice source for breakfast or lunch.

Monday, April 11, 2016

I wanted to call my mom today. good and early. The last time we talked she started coughing on the phone and she had to hang up. She said she'd call back but she didn't. I asked her about that today. She says when she's on the phone she coughs. Then she said she feels like she might have pneumonia. At that point I asked if I should come down. Today. No she says, she is "not ready" I tried to get her to tell me what she thinks needs to be "ready" I asked her if she thought I would stay beyond what she wants me to, because originally I planned to stay as long as she needed me and until she was in a better place. I think that threatened her and I told her I could just come for awhile and leave when she asked. I asked if she had eaten today I don't think she had. At that point I knew I needed to make sure I could get things to her if I wasn't there. My nephew wasn't there and she says they are not speaking. I asked her what all she needed. I asked her what she would like to eat. For the meal, she said she'd like some Marie Callender's Salisbury steak with mashed potatoes, carrots and broccoli.OK. I asked if she's like salad or pie. No to either. I reminded her she could store those for tomorrow in case my nephew wasn't there again. No, she didn't want that. Ok. I was repeating to myself her way...her way... I asked what she was afraid of if I came down. She hesitated and told me I can be a bully. I have NEVER thought of myself as a bully. (Bruce was laughing in the background, he can see it he says, not a mean bully but strong willed and know it allish) She said my way might be better than her way. She didn't add, "but it's my life" I heard it anyway. I'm trying, but to me it seems like she is in Hell. She mentioned she'd like some Vick's Vaporub and some cough medicine. She is not a person to take medicine, but then, she might have pneumonia. If SHE is saying that, I'd bet she does!  I asked her what kind of cough medicine. She didn't know. I said I rarely use cough medicine either but when I do I like Nyquil because it knocks me out and I can sleep. She didn't want that. I said, ok a non drowsy formula. I told her I would call her back. I then attempted to find a drug store that would deliver. Nope So I figured I would try a delivery service. Only food under delivery services. So then I called a taxi service, they were not able to help! Finally Bruce suggested errand service and I finally found a place who would pick things up for my mom and take them to her and call me to charge it on my card. I told them I would pay at the places. But that proved to be only partly true. I could pay online with Marie Callender's but not with a drug store and they refused to take a payment over the phone. I finally thought I'd have to just send dinner and order cough medicine and Vick's online, not to be delivered today, but the delivery service person said they usually didn't, but under the circumstances, they'd pay for the medicine out of pocket and I could pay them back. By the time I had it all arranged I called my mom to make sure she didn't want anything else and to tell her what was going on. She said my nephew had come back and she could have him driver her. I said no, I need to find a way to get things to her reliably if she didn't want me there now, so I wanted to test this out. She agreed. I think she's pretty hungry because it took longer than I expected but I should be getting a call saying the things have been delivered any moment now. It's been an unexpectedly grueling day.  She says she understands that I am worried. OF COURSE I'm worried! I asked her to call tonight or tomorrow to tell me how the service was. Did you know that Vick's Vaporub is now almost $17 for a 6 oz jar??? !!! That blows my mind! I need to see if that's standard or if CVS is just a ripoff

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

In such an abbreviated interaction, in which she never spoke directly to him, Bruce's first wife still managed to hurt him. He found their divorce decree and I photographed it and sent her a copy. This was within a couple hours of her request. Bruce is an organized person. If you had asked me for 30+ year paperwork I would not have had it. She thanked ME, but never Bruce for the effort. Hopefully she will never contact him again. The things she said and did to Bruce during their relationship I find unspeakably vile. He says he was not all that, but at least he was honest. And I know him to be an honest person. Very tenderhearted too. Some of the things people who were very important in his life have said things to him absolutely floor me with how terrible they were. I wouldn't have even believed them except that I DO know him to be honest, and his girlfriend prior to me told me directly, on the phone, that she regarded her TEN YEARS with him to have been an utter waste of her time (she pursued him!) and that she would bet I would feel the same way within five years. I cannot even imagine saying something like that about even a FRIEND, much less a 10 year partner and Betty was far far worse.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

I have no idea why this shook me up, but I will give that some thought. Bruce's first wife just messaged me. She just wanted to know if Bruce still has their divorce decree or remembers which state it was issued in. She lives overseas now. I told her if she'd like to give me a number where he could call her I'd be happy to give it to him. She thought he might not be up to an international call. I said he might not be up to talking to her but the international call wouldn't be the problem. I did not mean to seem catty- at all. And she doesn't seem to have taken it that I was. But she gave him a great amount of pain, and I really don't know if he'd be up to talking to her. Anyway, I will ask him as soon as I can. I hope it doesn't give him bad feelings.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Feeling drained, but it's temporary, from a dream that hurt so much. How can something so old hurt so much? It was very very vivid and when I first woke afterward it was still affecting me a lot but now it is subsiding. But... Ghosts.

Today is David's birthday. I miss him, while I simultaneously want to rake him over the coals for the effects of his parenting style. My mom is driving me crazy. The younger (mentally ill) nephew thinks he has a RIGHT to live in her house. She has a restraining order against him. It's not that I don't feel for his position, but he is violent and, mentally ill and my mom is frail and 80. She won't call the police because she thinks he could spend 6 years in prison for violating the restraining order. I think he should be in a mental hospital but those don't really exist anymore, go given the choice of him being at large and possibly injuring my mother I'd say 6 years in jail might be a better thing. Food and shelter, and she (and who knows who else) would be safer. The other nephew, who lives with her is not taking good care of her. My schedule was clear. I could have gone to CA and helped her in any way I am able to help. She knows she NEEDS help. But she is still resisting. I can't sit here without doing anything, so I've started advertising for my little business and my schedule is starting to fill up. She says she understands my position but "she has to do some things her way and in her time" before she wants me there. I spend a lot of energy debating between pushing the issue or honoring her stated wishes. She said she thinks her sister was lucky to be just taken from her home and moved close to my cousin. OK, that's a clue. My hair is literally turning gray!

But overall I am happier working from home. Very much so! Hope I can make a go of it but my mom is more important and I wish she'd say I could come BEFORE I develop a liveable clientele.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Neither Bruce nor I got any sleep last night. He got up at about 8 am which is very early for him as he is a night owl but it takes him forever to wake up. be functional and get ready. With his anxiety it is so hard for him to get out the door. he retches, he hyperventilates and he panics. I was pretty scared myself, but I can only imagine what the morning felt like for him. We did get out the door and to the Dr's office. It wasn't very crowded so he had less stress. I was grateful. I went into the examining room with him. The medical assistant, Elizabeth, was very nice and helpful. We saw a PA that a friend tells me is good, but unfriendly. She barely looked at Bruce but she did say it looked like a keratosis to her, but that if we would come back at 1:30 there would be a dermatologist who would look at it and probably burn it off. WE came back. There was a lot of confusion but finally we got to see Dr Fawson. My friend Annie was researching him and texting me and it was all good stuff. He looked at this growth and sort of at one one Bruce's head, He said he thought they were keratoses also but that the one on his back especially had characteristics of melanoma so he proposed excising it and sending it for a biopsy which made me want to cheer. And that's what they did. There was a medical student from Las Vegas there and so I got to hear a pretty thorough explanation of what was happening. They gave Bruce an injection of lidocaine and he cut around, with the skin lines about 1/8" margin around the growth. He said if it turned out to be melanoma they would have to remove more tissue. He went deep, not into the muscle but just above it and it took two layers of stitches to close. Bruce says he didn't have any pain during the procedure, but he's starting to now. The Dr gave him care instructions and made another appointment for next Monday at 2 pm. This appoint cost us $10 (Dr's Free Clinic) and the lab for the biopsy will be $75. Next time we should get results and he plans to "scrape and cauterize" at least one on Bruce's head. I plan to shave his head so we have a clear view of what's up there. Anyway, I think we were both feeling very relieved at the probability that this is not melanoma. It sure made me take a look and see how truly grateful I am for Bruce and I think he felt a new lease on life. May it work out this way. We are both very very drained and we didn't get home till after 4 pm.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Last night Bruce and I were in bed watching Lost when I had a very intense dizzy spell. It was so sharp and physically affecting I wondered if I was having a stroke or something. While it was happeing I had such a mix of fear and exhilaration. When it subsided I quickly looked up stroke symptoms, it seemed that wasn't what had happened. I was very tired and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep but before I did I felt myself , a better version of myself, sitting by a beautiful stream, light dancing in sparkles on the water and complex currents running musically. It was very beautiful and I had the sense that that was where I was "supposed" to be. It was as if all the petty, greedy, commercial aspects of the world were something i had left behind and that where I was now was Reality. It was nice!

Monday, February 15, 2016

Called my mom. told her I made the chicken salad and it came out pretty well. We talked about me going down, but of course I told her I need to know what is happening with Bruce. He did call to make an appointment, but of course he called while they are at lunch. Guess I'd better go to work.
I barely slept last night. Bruce was up at about 7 but he hasn't made an appointment. He went back to lay down. Says he doesn't feel well. I can only imagine. I am going to try not to nag, push or  pretend i have any idea what's best for him but to be as supportive as I can.

Last night I paid $5.14 for a package of celery!!!! Granted it is organic but that is still so much! I forgot to get green onions and I have a plan to make the chicken salad today and let my mom know how the recipe came out so i suppose I should get cracking on that.

I am pretty overwhelmed right now. If Bruce actually has cancer and it is serious what do I do? I feel I should go help my mom, but I will be here for Bruce. Since we had no idea about the possibility of melanoma he is not at a stage where he is feeling it, or better to say, knew that that might be what he's feeling. He's been feeling poorly for months. I figure it would take probably a good three months at my mom's at a minimum, and then to implement whatever she wants to do as far as a place to live. I told her the other night that I think it will cost at least $200,000 to renovate her house. She had an estimate for one bathroom for $25K. Meanwhile she's in the same unhappy state with the "family" there. Bruce says if I go I have to take the dogs. I CAN'T take the dogs. Jetty Lee would probably kill her little Toby.

I'm not feeling so well myself. It wouldn't surprise me if I died before Bruce even if he does have melanoma. And, when it comes down to it, if I can help him and my mom I'll be satisfied to leave this life. As I type this another part of me wants to take a road trip and try to revive a sense of joy, but no money for that. I feel pain and lack. And the pain of people i love is (surprisingly, because i can be selfish) worse than my own maladies.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Bruce and I are taking a quiet day. I am going to work (I think) from 3-9, but if not, that's fine too. Melanoma has not been diagnosed but both of us think he has it. If not, we will probably laugh giddily and maybe make some changes. But with the one on his back and several others on his head we think it's melanoma. What's weird is that melanoma was never a disease I thought of for Bruce. I could think of a lot of physical troubles that would be crowding the line in his life. Melanoma was never on my radar for him. It has always been for ME, because I have a jillion moles and I am pretty fair skinned. I was in the sun a LOT because we always had a pool as I was growing up and twice I sunburned to blisters. But I never thought of it for Bruce. He's been feeling very crappy and for a long time too. Since last night, he's been in turmoil. Who wouldn't be faced with a strong possibility of cancer? He doesn't want to be a burden. He won't be a burden. or maybe he will but not an unwelcome burden. He deserves to be cared for when it isn't easy. There have been a couple times when he has cried. I hugged him once and tried to give him some privacy another time. I'd probably be doing the same thing. But suddenly my priorities are very clear. Bruce and my mom. How we make it will be an adventure an a mystery.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

I did look. Several similar spots on his head.
Bruce says he has other thins on his head that feel raised. He asked me to look through his hair. I am afraid to see. But I will look in the morning.
Y'know I thought it was a bad day when I went to work and saw a big note that we wouldn't be paid until NEXT Friday (payday was supposed to be yesterday) I wonder if that is even legal and I have concerns about whether I will be paid at all if you want to know the truth. When my boss called I asked her why we weren't paid. Basically, because it's more convenient for her to make one more check instead of 2. WTF? I told her that was very arbitrary. Things could have gotten very ugly because I had an urge to tell her what I really think. But I thought, it's only a few more days and it doesn'tt matter that much. She called me back to tell me if I was short she would write ME a check. I let that go too. Later my friend and manager called to "see if I was ok" and to tell me I sounded unstable and easily roiled over what she considers, apparently as unimportant things. She reminded me that my boss is my BOSS as if I don' have a right to question or object to anything. I was thinking the word "boss" implies being paid. I had a whole lot more that I didn't say. Anyway... I keep telling myself just a few more days.
After work I went to the store and spent $75 of my last $100 in the bank. I have some cash here if Maggie's "mom" wanted me to pay the vet bill which was only $68. I'd pay that and a followup if she wanted but she won't take the money. I am happy to heat Maggie seems to be healing and can see. I was feeling appreciative of Bruce and went to scratch his back. To do this I had to breach the thermal shirt he wears all winter. I felt something that did not feel good at all, and persuading him to let me lift the shirt I saw what looks like a melanoma. I was so concerned I took a picture to show him. He pooh poohed it, but the thing has all the signs. Bruce and I both have a fatalistic streak, but I asked him to please read up. He has agreed to make a Dr appointment on Monday. I hope they can get him in on Monday. I really think this is a melanoma and it is bigger than a quarter inch. That put into perspective how bad the day really wasn't. He's agreed to to to the Dr but he says if it is melanoma and if it has metastasized and is terminal he will go someplace because he doesn't want to be a burden. OMG!!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Ok, so.... this is not really a public place and even if it was, why should I NOT be able to tell an experience of my life? Because my soon NOT to be boss doesn't want it voiced? Well I am not in any big forum but I am going to here. My boss called me today, an hour before I was to be at work and told me (on the day after I turned rather unjoyously 56 ) that my last day is Tuesday from my $10 an hour job. But, hey! I'm eligible for unemployment!!! I am a throwaway person. I feel so deeply SAD I don't even know how to get through this at all. I di call my mom and tell her that this would be an excellent time for me to go help her
wow. as of next Wednesday I am unemployed. Can't say more now.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I groomed a little schnauzer the day before yesterday. Maggie. When she first started coming she was very fearful and she would bite, but she was also very sweet. Over time, she has become more trusting though she is still fearful. I really like this dog and I like her owner. Grooming at home, I can take my time and I do. It usually takes me about 3 hours to groom a dog. Maggie was done in about 2 and a half hours and I was very pleased with how pretty she looked. And with the enjoyable time. She did resist on her feet and legs but she was good on her face which is why I was so surprised to get a text from her "mom" yesterday saying she was at the vet with Maggie and Maggie has a huge ulcer in her eye that the vet says was caused by clippers. I take lots of pictures after a groom is done and she is not squinting or tearing. She never yipped or anything like that. I told her I scissored close to her eyes. I could not imagine how or when this could have happened. I asked if it could be a reaction to shampoo and she said her vet said it would have been different if shampoo or hair, that this was a puncture. She said Maggie might go blind in the eye. I am heartsick. I offered to pay the vet bill (the owner says she wouldn't let me but if I hurt her I feel responsible to do what I can) Ive asked her to let me know how Maggie is doing and she will. Grooming dogs can be so satisfying but in times like this I never want to risk the possibility of hurting one. There are many dogs who are definitely a danger to groom, they fight and jump around. It is not like a human going for a haircut. Maggie is on my mind today.

And today I turned 56. No other birthday has affected me the way this one us affecting me. I feel disbelief and dismay. I am nearly 60! How did that happen? My mom called and it was nice to talk to her. Every time I do talk to her though, it makes me want to drop everything and go to California to help her as best i can. She lost her tv remote control and her cable company sent her a replacement (for $10) but it is the wrong one and so she's been without tv. I told her I think she can get a universal remote at a grocery store (not that i know anything about it really) but tv is her only entertainment. She also said her tv has lost it's color. I wondered if maybe it's her eyes but she said the tvs downstairs have color. I told her I think she should go get a new tv. We chatted on a variety of subjects until,her phone died. I will call her later. I need to mail her some recipes she wants. I have them all ready to go. Just trying to get out the door to go to the post office. I haven't had breakfast yet, not even my warm lemon honey ginger water and I'm hungry. It would be nice to go to brunch with a friend but then again I am thinking of making the chicken salad recipe I am sending my mom to test it. I recreated it from memory. I've had lots of greetings from friends which I appreciate very much, Bruce came in to the bedroom at midnight to give me a kiss and a card (Glinda- he sees me as Glinda ) He said a bunch of sweet stuff and just made me feel special. I am breaking in the new squishy pillow he gave me (they get more squishy with use) I am very grateful for Bruce. Today I hope to cut back the roses- it's already getting warmer here and make sure the sales tax thing is right and a fe other chor things. Otherwise i think I will just read today.

Monday, February 8, 2016

My mom called yesterday, just to talk. We were on the phone I think for about 45 minutes, chatting about this and that, but in the course of the conversation she said a few things totally casually that blew me away. I really did not need to have a lower opinion of my father, but now I do. And one thing that amazes me is that she still thinks he was a good man and she still loves him. Now, I fall short in the Unconditional Love Arena. I know this. But her example tears me in two ways. one is an admiration for her ability to love apparently regardless of the circumstances. I think there's something very pure in that but the other half wants to SCREAM at her "ARE YOU BUGFUCK CRAZY????!!!!" These are some for instances from yesterday's conversation. A story I had heard was that they both worked for North American Rockwell. I heard that my father pulled my father's employee picture off the board and after a passage of time I know nothing about, they ended up married. The picture was in his wallet when he died. I am unsure of timeframes here but I THINK they married (eloped to Las Vegas) when my father was 30 and my mother was 23. They married on the 4th of July. If this is correct and I was born February 9th then I was the probable reason for the marriage. She said something in the conversation yesterday about feeling she had to do extra to "make up" for the fact that she wasn't working. First of all, she did way beyond any reasonable expectation, but I also reminded her, "You told me that he said, when you were pregnant with David, that if you continued to work after the baby was born he would divorce you." She then casually said, "I had no choice. He was my supervisor and he terminated me." Just WOW. My father was a lusty sort. In addition to my mother and a predilection for girl children, he apparently had a rather playboy existence. My mother let drop that he had her buy Hershey's kisses- for him to eat with another woman at the office. And either that one or another wanted him to take her to Palm Springs. But this is nothing as honest as polyamory. this was just flat out cheating in my view with my mother as his slave and never a valued person either. There was more in this conversation of yesterday but i am still chewing on this stuff. If I have a poor attitude about men, it is well warranted through generations of men in my family.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Talked to my mom. It is so frustrating and my heart goes out to her. I'm going to send her most of my dog grooming money. I asked her not to give it to Corey. I don't know if she will do that or not. She says she won't. She's still "not ready" for me to go down there. "Yet" she said. So maybe soon.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Only us...... We have had a mouse problem. It tapered off and we thought they were, if not gone, at least not interacting on a level we can't stand (ie in our pantry, our drawers) We suspected there were some in a cabinet. Anyway, they returned to the pantry which cannot be tolerated. Last year, catch and release seemed to do well. We used non lethal traps, no glue or anything like that either. The commercial mouse catcher we bought at more expense than we liked gathered NO mice. Not one. but Bruce's own contraption of a medium sized plastic trash can with a paper towel tube baited with peanut butter poised above it yielded good results. Bruce did read that mice removed from their nest usually die and that made us sad because we really do not want to kill living beings. But we did want them out of the house and we figured at least they had a chance. The last mouse I evicted, I took so far away (I usually drop them off in a field in Ivins) this time I took the mouse way past Kayenta. (I was driving Bruce's car to charge the battery) Anyway, that mouse was so cute and I felt bad when I took him, worse than usual. And when it became very cold a few days later I felt very guilty. So... the other day a mouse apparently jumped into the trash can without the lure of the bait. The bait tube hadn't moved. We were astonished. More so when two more did the same! So....three baby mice in the can. I could not bring myself to take them to a field knowing they were going to die. What did we do? Bruce (who had apparently been considering this for awhile) suggested a habitrail he'd seen on ebay. So, having discussed it with me we agreed to fork out $40 for the cage (complete with wheel) and some bedding material. I still plan to rehome them to a field when it warms up, but this could be the winter solution. Only us....

Monday, February 1, 2016

talked to my mom this morning. It was depressing. She knew it was depressing. Nothing more has happened that she wants to happen. She realizes she is too old to do the work she wants done. She tried to get Corey to start helping her clean the garage out. What did Corey do? He painted her mailbox. Brown. I again offered to go down there. She says she thinks it wouldn't be fair to me. One and only mother. I am so frustrated

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Talked to my mom. She sounded depressed. Corey, again, did nothing to help her. Tressa's father died this morning. I offered again to go down, she again, declined.

Monday, January 25, 2016

My mom is softening on the idea of me going down there. I told Bruce that last night and he thinks I should under the one and only mom law, but she seemed anxious and depressed and scared about it. One issue seemed to be that he thought my being physically absent would lead me to a decision that I don't need him. Actually I prize loyalty and Bruce has been loyal to me. He's supportive and kind and funny and while both of us wish we had more connection we do honestly love one another and I plan to keep this relationship. At least as long as that is also his wish! He's worried about money and I can understand that. I'd need to get a job if I went down there. He's worried about me quitting my current job and leaving my very small business. Understandable. But this is my one and only mother and she needs help. She is reluctant to have me go there which she knows would be hard on my life, probably hers too and this does not even factor in Corey. I have no idea what Corey would do, but it sounds like he is more of an impediment than a help and I honestly feel like he and his brother and mother are waiting like vultures for my mom to die. I think, if she were eating better and less stressed she may have some good time left. I really wish she would move up here, have that house renovated and sold and then she'd have money and peace to care for her for the rest of her life. But she is still firm in the idea that "she has to do what she can" I don't understand it, but I am not omniscient and if I don't do everything I can to try to help her I know I will regret it. She was coughing badly again when I spoke to her yesterday. She said it was because she got cold being downstairs trying to get a friend of Corey's to leave. She said she was down there till 4:15 am. Now, yes Corey is either 29 or 30 so technically an adult but he pays NOTHING to live there and she gives him money and pays for things for him. He helps her minimally. He's giving her a line now that if she fixes his teeth he will get a job and help her out. Yeah, right. So, I don't know what Corey would do if he was forced to leave but that would leave very little reason for him, Tressa or Brad to be there and if she had someone (me) she could rely on to take her where she needs to go and do what she needs to do she might have a little peace. I don't know what kind of work I could find there but it would probably be enough whatever it was and hopefully she'd agree to transitions somewhere out of that house eventually.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Today my mom got the money I sent her. Not enough to do much, but all I could spare. She said Tressa and her boyfriend came and got some stuff out of the garage. What did they get? Suitcases. Wow....impressive. NOT! She said Corey (grandson who lives with her, free and she gives him money) did not get her a Cobb salad yesterday. He brought her "a couple pieces of pizza" She doesn't like pizza and that is not a very nutritious meal. Again, I offered to go down....

Friday, January 22, 2016

Today I sent Miles' guitar to Mary, one of the three girls I love as close as I can to my own children, which I never had. I had listened to see if any of them mentioned any interest in playing guitar. I had hoped most that Ilona would, because, biology. But Mary is starting to learn. I hope she learns to play and loves that guitar

I talked to my mom today. She sounded better. She said she spoke with Tressa again, and again asked her to remove her stuff. Again, Tressa said that it has been there a long time, as if that's some reason it should be allowed to stay. then she had the temerity to tell my mother that her boyfriend (not aware what # he might be in the succession since David. She started a relationship with some guy while David was in the hospital dying and that one was stabbed to death at the library if I have the matter straight.) Anyway, this guy, who apparently installed my mom's new water heater is going to send an invoice for $40 because he says he had to install some pipe when he installed the water heater because something is leaking. I am thinking my mom only used him after being bullied into it by the fact that her house is in such a state she doesn't want it to be seen. And why would it be in such a state? I think that's directly attributable to David, Tressa and "the boys" My mother would never have lived like she is and she is in a mess that I don't see how she can get out of, barring a huge loan and total renovation which I am pretty sure will mean she can't afford to live there. She also told me that the grandson who lives with her, who is supposed to be helping her once again refused to get up. So, she was in the garage by herself wading through all this stuff. Again, I offered to go down there. I had thought not to post pictures of her house because I don't in any way want to embarrass her, but I am reconsidering, NOT to embarrass her but to document the reality and scope of the mess.

I told my mom that if this guy comes with an invoice that she should hand him one for Tressa, for the cost of hauling her junk away. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Yesterday, when talking with my mom she told me she told Tressa to get her stuff our of the garage. She said Tressa had a lot of excuses ("It's been there a long time" etc) I told her I wished she'd use the money I sent (drop in the bucket) to have stuff hauled away. My mom does not think she should have to do this and, in fact, she is flat out refusing to pay to have Tressa's stuff removed. I think there's a snowflake's chance that Tressa will do anything about it. I told my mom $250 would probably pay to have 2 loads removed. I said if Tressa cares about whatever she has out there that if she sees it being hauled away she WILL do something then, but that I don't think she does care and that if my mom wants it gone I think she will have to pay. My mom referred to the 3 days her city allows things to be hauled away...I asked, ""Can you pick the days?" "No" "Then that's just more time passing where what you want done isn't getting done" (There's also a limit of 10 large items per load.) I have no idea what's out there but I'm not so sure it's large items rather than a LOT of smaller junk.My mom gets upset when I point things like this out. She reverts to saying she needs to do things her own way and in her own time. Hercules could not do what is needed speedily, so if my mom is trying to do this herself it will not occur in her lifetime. I am sure we both hung up frustrated.

While I was at work a friend messaged me and he asked how the projects were going and if my mom was happy with the yard care. I said she is not, but that from what I can see it looks like the people did $1500 worth of work. There's just more to do. And then at some point it needs to be landscaped. I told him I was already gathering names for people to finish the taking out portion (there's a HUGE- tall but thin tree she didn't even know was there it was so hidden in the jungle. And there's a bird of paradise stump and other stuff that needs to go still.) This is just the front yard. Anyway, I told him I'd suggested to my mom that she not do this take out stuff right now, nothing is going to grow back uncontrollably any time soon, but that she should concentrate on getting the garage cleaned out so that she can get the new garage doors before the estimate expires. She is trying to do all this stuff on her income. I don't know what her income is, it's probably more than mine but i bet it is not much. Again, I see doing things that way as extending beyond her lifespan. If she does it that way I don't think she'll ever have the satisfaction of seeing things the way she wants them. Plus she SAYS she'd like to move anyway.I get extremely frustrated. My friend suggested that she is perhaps eligible for Habitat For Humanity to come in and renovate the house for her. I told him houses in her neighborhood go for $700 K + and I don't think Habitat For Humanity is going to help there. Then he suggested Oprah. I started to experience physical symptoms of anger. I said begging from Oprah is about like thinking you will win the lottery. He pressed on about the Oprah idea. I told him tthe thought of Oprah made me ill. He asked ehy. He said she started with nothing and earned all her money. I asked how one "earns" 3 BILLION dollars and he answered, "slowly" I told him that in my view she did not start with nothing and that it is impossible for a person to honestly "earn" 3 billion dollars. This woman is an entertainer. I cannot see her value to humanity being that large and the control she has over resources makes me just squeam.It's not exactly personal. I feel that way about all obscenely rich people. He could not understand my anger and suggested that one day I might explain it to him. I considered his acculturation, and thought, "nope, the hope of making an inroad through your mindset is not worth the possibility of a stroke. I thought of my mom working all of her life and having so little....compared to Oprah. I had to tell him to stop talking to me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The yard care service sent me some before and after pictures. My mom is not satisfied but to me it looks like $1500 worth of work was done. It sure isn't pretty and there is more that needs to come out. I told her I would pay to have the taking out done. She doesn't like that idea and I can ill afford it but I can't see asking those people to do more. There's at least one more BIG tree that needs to go and a stump and if it were my yard I'd take more out. It would be a blank canvas. But it needs to be relandscaped and I do not think that's even on the radar of things to be done right now. And again, unless she takes out a huge loan I don't see how she can manage to pay for all that needs to be done. I have a small amount of money that I intend to give her, I thought I'd be contributing to having excess stuff hauled away but maybe she will want to get the yard stuff worked on first. I would clear the garage and get garage doors. So much needs to be done. In the pictures it is evident she needs window coverings. Windows too. It's daunting I really feel like I should be down there. And I am angry and resentful thatt she has to deal with Tressa's CRAP, accumulated over decades. This is a belated reaction you'd think, but it has been the same all along. My mom just let it happen and it seemed like it was, in a very twisted way, her choice. That human is the bane of my mother's life. And I am not sure that she knows it. Tressa that is. I guess it's more that she doesn't give a fuck. I could vent and vent and vent. I REALLY wish I could help my mom more. Heck I need to help me more, but it's my mom's time. But my total income was about $17,000 and that does not go far enough. I was never money oriented and at this point I wish I had given it more attention

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Happy to say when my mom called the bank the yard care people had only cashed one. I texted them telling them that I was concerned that they had not returned my texts, that i wanted pictures, and the remaining things my mom wanted done or done more to her liking. The lady, same one I have been dealing with was fine with me and for me. She said the pictures were on her husband's phone and something happened to it so not sure if I am going to get before pictures. They are going back out Monday to hopefully finish up and I had better get pictures then. She said that they may have to rent a stump grinder to take out the other "large plant" (another bird of paradise) She says they will try not to bu it they have to that wasn't covered in their original estimate. I asked how much it would be. $250. I think the price overall was fair for the work involved, so if it gets the job done I will pay it myself. I don't have $250 just laying around but I will figure it out. I am sorry my mom didn't get a long with them (though I haven't seen work quality yet) because they do a number of other things she is going to need done. But she was feeling pressured, and like the woman was aggressive and argumentativ with her.
Very relieved that the yard care service only cashed 1 of the three checks. I have texted dissatisfaction with the finished job and another request for pictures. I will groom the dog I have coming and then call. My mom still sounds pretty sick.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

I am just dizzy with fear. I called my mom today. She was dissatisfied with the final results of the yard care people because they did not remove a "big plant" that she wanted removed, did not remove miniature rose bushes, that she asked to be removed, did not remove a holly bush that she wanted removed and did not trim the big tree in the in the front yard as much as she wanted it trimmed. She had paid them yesterday. I talked to the woman yesterday and again she told me she would send me pictures of before and after. I have gotten no pictures. I had also texted her Monday night to thank her because my mother was very well pleased with the first day's work. I texted that she still wanted the other things I had mentioned done (they had not trimmed the tree yet) Today my mother told me that thee woman had told her there was a problem cashing the check . My mother wrote anther one. The woman was WAITING at her house when my mother got home from the bank but I nearly had a heart attack when she told me she had written THREE checks. Now, I understand my mom's handwriting is not very legible anymore and she says she got two of the checks back but she had no idea that checks can be cashed and the bank not HAVE them. I told her to call her bank first thing tomorrow morning and see how many $1500 checks have been cashed. In the future, if she even proceeds, estimates will need to be in writing and detailed and I am going to ask her to ise a credit card so she can dispute charges if necessary. If more than one check was cashed I am calling the police immediately.  I cannot believe this. My clue should have been when the woman said they were a Christian company. In fact, I told her not to say any such thing to my mother who has been ripped off by "Christians" shamelessly before. We took the highest estimate because the yard was in bad shape and the other two estimates did not seem high enough to fairly cover the work that needed to be done.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The yard care people came yesterday and 2 people were there almost all day. My mom said they were nice, polite and cleared a lot of stuff. I have yet to see pictures which they've promised to send, but they aren't done. She said they trimmed, but did not remove a HUGE Bird of Paradise that was planted in a random looking place. She said she planted it there because long ago neighbor children kept messing with one of the sprinklers. I sent a message asking it to be removed along with some other stuff. Today they are supposed to trim a big tree in the front yard and work on the side yard. I am hoping they send pictures. Next project up is the garage doors but first the garage needs to be sufficiently cleared to give access. I need to call her city and see what notification she has to give my brother's widow, who has a bunch of stuff stored there without her permission and without paying before it can be junked. I plan to do that Thursday unless I have time to do it at work today. I am really really glad she is proceeding but I don't know how far she can get. I suggested she take a loan out on the house and get everything done but she says she does not want to go into debt so to me that sounds like she wants to continue living there. I don't think she has enough income to do very much without taking out a loan so this is a big problem because that house needs a LOT of work. I cannot understand her attachment to the place, but i am not her and I have to keep reminding myself of that and that this IS her life and her choice. Anyway, with the front yard cleaned up, the garage appreciably cleared out and new garage doors that's a start. I have never been good with money or anything like it but I wish i had some now. a lot of it. But I don't. I can about pay any difference the yard care people ask if the work exceeds their estimate.

Friday, January 8, 2016

My mom called me back and she allowed me to make the appointment for the yard care people to come Monday or as soon after as they can! I left them a message immediately. Hoping I can get them to send me pictures of the work as they do it so I can tell if they are a good group to ask for other projects. But I am so glad that she is apparently serious about addressing things far too long neglected.
Had a setback today. Last estimate for the garage door. The guy called me first. he wanted me to bring my mom into the showroom. I said. "Well that won't work, she's 80 and I'm in Utah." My impression was a mafia guy who sold garage doors. I couldn't get my mom on the phone because I was getting circuit busy, but she called soon after he was there. It went worse than I expected it to. He told her flat out that he didn't want the job. Partially due, I think, to his curmudgeonly attitude and partially because (there's no way around this) we are currently talking Hoarder Home. I have not been in the garage. I can imagine. The garage door guy said, no, I couldn't. However she knows that it needs to be cleared to install garage doors. But this interaction put her back into a "I need to do this myself" mode and she just can't. She is frail. She used to be a can do kick ass woman who could and did do everything she took it into her mind to do. But those days are over. I again suggested going down to help. I am not capable of that job either but I can direct crews paid to do it. She does not want this. I tried to get her to hire the people for the yard cleanup but now she wants to clean stuff around the yard first. She is estimating a week before she calls them. I am now wondering if she ever will. Thanks Cranky Garage Door Guy.

I tried to give blood today and for the second time in a row was rejected for low hemoglobin. This in spite of a large spinach salad taken with lemon juice. I am feeling bad on several fronts. I am about to go start Lost which has I think 8 seasons. Done for the day.

I am trying very hard to remember my mom's life is her life and to be patient and to let love lead. This is surprisingly difficult

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

I am not sure but I think my mom is going to go with the last yardcare people ,also the most expensive, but they have the plans to do the most work. They also do a lot of other home care jobs and they work with realtors to sell houses. So, perhaps this is good. I will be pleased if she puts them to action and very curious to see the results. She has another garage door estimate tomorrow. I will call her between dogs. I have 2 full grooms and a nail trim plus I think plans to see some neighbors.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

My mom had 2 appointments today. One for a yard care service (they were $100 less than the first company, but I had the impression the first guy would be putting more effort into the job) She has another yard care estimate tomorrow. She had her first garage door estimate today.She has 3 garage doors to replace. I was shocked- she says the guy did not show pictures of what she would be getting but the estimate was for $750 per door and $300 per garage door opener plus an "upgrade" of $450 so $3600. That sounded high to me, but talking to one of our drivers tonight he thought it was on the low side. She has 2 mote estimates to go. She said she didn't want windows in the garage doors. I asked her if she was thinking what she would like as she is living there or if she has an eye toward selling the house. I told her if it was me, i would like natural light coming into the garage. I didn't call the guy today. He didn't get there till I was on my way to work. I know this because he called me- multiple times on my 15 minute drive to work to tell me my mom wasn't answering the phone or the door. she finally did and got the estimate. I'd still like to talk to him but it was busy during what I would think of as his business hours. Tomorrow I work 1-9 and have a dog coming at 8:30 am so I am not sure if there will be time. We shall see.

Monday, January 4, 2016

I've made my mom several yard care appointments and several garage door appointments. She has 2 tomorrow. I paid $29.00 for the garage door people to come give her an estimate. I didn't quibble because my mom is known for not proceeding and i don't want people to waste their time. I need to see if she's serious about all the work that needs to be done and if she is, help her with all I've got. Unfortunately, all I've got does not include money. How I wish it did!