About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Decided to try to help 2 friends, one in the hospital with no insurance and 1 a mother of 5 doing her best to make a good life for herself and her children. I have time this summer so I am offering to bathe or groom small dogs with the proceeds (minus supplies, like shampoo) going to them. So far, not 1 appointment. I am surprised. I would really like to do something.

Friday, June 27, 2014

I feel completely overwhelmed, depleted and so deficient in what I can do. I'm normally I pretty restless sleeper, waking many times in a night. And I often reach for my phone when probably I should reach for my vibrator. Last night I reached for the phone and saw a late night message from a friend. It said. "I need your prayers for _______. He is in the desert with a gun and is very suicidal." This is from a friend who has been affected by many suicides in the recent past. It is from a friend that I wonder how she makes it through HER days. I absolutely love her pure heart, the effort she puts into trying and her goodness. I have to say though, I am not much a one for prayer. I used to pray. But now it is like, "To who?" And "why?" if there is a God who cares about individuals and is omniscient and omnipotent wouldn't that God know the needs of every one of us? What could my little petition on someone's behalf possibly matter? Then with a terrible fascination I found myself not only considering how my prayers could help and to whom or what I would even address them but I found myself thinking about this person and what I knew about him which is not much. For awhile, he worked at our house doing pretty heavy work and at the beginning he worked extremely hard. We could only afford to pay him $10 an hour and what he was doing was worth more than that so we gave him many things also, to try to make it worth his while. Suddenly without warning he simply fizzled. It would have been nice we thought if he had told us he couldn't finish, but oh well.
These are some of the other things that crossed my mind:
He has been in jail (lots of good people have been in jail)
He has children, including a Down's Syndrome son about 20
He was engaged to my friend's sister who he had lived with for several years, but as SOON as they got engaged he dumped her to go back to a previous girlfriend (you can't help who you love maybe. or if you love more than one person, but you can be more ethical)
He was caring for a very disabled old man (one who helped prosecute Charles Manson) and he physically harmed this guy after which he left them without care (my friend tried to fill that gap)
Anyway, my thoughts were going on like that and I finally asked myself, "What the HELL???!!! Your FRIEND asked you for help for someone she cares about just prayers and are you seriously trying to determine if he is worth helping? What kind of person ARE you?
I then considered, what if he really was so miserable that he wanted to die? Do I have a right, even in wishing, to try to override someone's will for their existence?
I thought of my friend. She is one of the sweetest, purest souls I will ever know. I cannot cnvery the respect I have for her in what she accomplishes with what seems to me to be EVERYTHING working against her.
So, I tried to "pray" In my heart I searched out the spirit of this person and wished him peace, wished him calm and reflection and the ability to weight things out in the best way possible, considering all those who would be affected. And I searched out tthe spirits of those who care about him and hoped they might somehow spiritually surround and protect and bolster him. I reached for God, but could not help but think God is already aware.... I spent the whole night thinking of this person and of my character and who I am and who I want to be. In the morning I messaged my friend to see if she had heard anything about how he is and she has not. So I am still worried. but she also told me that was just a SLIVER of what is happening in her life now and I wish I could help more than I can. I do what I can do, but it is so comically little. And I have other friends with big needs and desires too, I have a friend in the hospital now who has no insurance and needs blood. her family is asking for donations. So far, I am the only person who has donated, and what? $10. I had $14.56 in the bank. she is going o need several THOUSAND dollars. She is younger than me. I have know her since she was a teenager. She is the caretaker for her uncle, my friend who is a paraplegic and has many many health issues. I am sure he would be dead by now if not for hr advocacy and the long term day to day care he requires.
Selfishly, I miss fun. I miss friends that just want to spend time doing goofy things. I need that. Or I feel I do. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Sometime in the middle of last night, Jetty Lee jumped up on the bed. The way she does this always makes me smile, it is so Jetty Lee. She sits about arms length away, and there is something both vulnerable and demanding in her position. I can never really tell if she is coming for MY benefit or hers. I will reach out and start to pet her and talk to her and if the quality of this time passes her muster she will flop against me and submit to a thorough petting. Sometimes she gives me her delicate little kisses. I can feel a sweet simple flow of energy between us and we both relax and enjoy these moments of simple communion through touch. I am a lover of touch. I think we live in a touch starved world, or at least a touch starved society. After a while Jetty Lee with either move to the end of the bed or leave the room to see what else is happening in the house. And I go back to my cycles of fitful sleep. I've watched several movies lately that have me thinking of how women are viewed in society, and what my own attitudes are. I was really viscerally irked the other day to see a simple "like" on a facebook post for a feminist cause only because the person who liked it was my first love. Now... I have to say that when we added each other to facebook the very first thing he did was to apologize. I stopped him before he could say exactly what he was apologizing for and went another step in saying he had nothing to apologize for, but that was not exactly what I meant. What i meant was that I believe he made the true choice of his heart to excise me from his life and so there is nothing to apologize for in doing what you really want to do. That was very painful to me, I can't image any other pain in my life approaching that because my truest feeling toward him was that this is the most important person you will ever meet in your life and much as I wish to amend that since it certainly didn't work out for me, I can't do it. It is the weirdest thing. I damaged myself badly in that relationship. Notice I do not say HE damaged me, I am aware that I did it to myself but still, I have never experienced anything colder or more affectingly dishonest than the end of that relationship and I do have residual bad feelings from that. So, when I see these pro-feminists stances, I think, "Oh, that is not how I remember it!" But people do change, so then I am left putting myself down for the bad feelings. It's predictably, funny sad and so acutely FRESH each time. I guess it is going to happen "forever" It happens even when I do not see any trace of him, and i barely do. But what I mean to write here is more of an exploration of how people treat each other and how I wish we would. Bruce and i watched a documentary this morning called "I Am" and it was meaningful to me in that it was probing the way our culture competes and uses and we think we are doing something good in the world but perhaps we are not. That is much simplified. If you are interested stream the documentary on Netflix. I am also reading "Moral Tribes" and again I find it very worthwhile and very clear in expressing ideas we don't often talk about. This summer, I have just been taking it very easy. I am reading and napping and trying to be more mindful in the things that I do and what I notice. One thing I am doing is trying to cook for Bruce so that he feels love in it as he used to in his mom's cooking. In many ways I am NOT mindful but I am glad that I want to be. I am enjoying being able to just notice things and people and enjoying being able to help when I can. I was so grateful that Bruce loaned me his car so I could loan mine to my friend. I detailed his car (not with professional results I must say, but still it's lots better) I bought him a t-shirt i think he will like and can't wait for it to get here. I may have accepted a diminished view of myself from things that happened long ago but I am trying to expand into whatever abilities and expressions of love that I can. I want Bruce to know that I am grateful for the years we have shared. It is not the deepest, most intimate or most passionate of relationships but we do nurture, support and love one another and that is meaningful to me.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

You should see me now but I am glad you can't. I groomed three dogs today (wasn't sure I could do 3 dogs in a reasonable time frame anymore, not that I was ever fast.) Now I have slivers of hair in my eyeballs and itchily all over my body despite wearing grooming clothes and I am done in but happy. It was primarily that last dog- Cosmo- I'd meant to do him second because they said he was apt to scream whenever he didn't like how you touched him. They gave me some sad history for him and they brought him medicated ( I normally prefer not medicated) but I mistook Gus for Cosmo and so Cosmo was last. Cosmo is the kind of dog one does not look forward to grooming. Shy and abused, also very willing to bite you and some of the most terrible teeth I have ever seen. Betting that when Cosmo's owner tries to take Cosmo for grooming the groomer's probably say he should be taken to a vet and sedated. That was my thought. He would let me run clippers on most of his body without too much objection. he was really good for his face which delighted me, but not his ears. His underside, legs and feet were completely off limits. I didn't think he could actually puncture me with those teeth, but if he did I would fear blood poisoning!

The day had started rather badly, I didn't get a text back about timing for the appointment until the middle of the night. I had wanted to start at like 8, but by then I knew it was unlikely I would want to be up and ar 'em by them. I need to know EARLY if I am starting something early. When I did get up I was afflicted by diarrhea. It was bad. I was just messaging to ask if we could do this tomorrow as she was messaging asking if 10 was ok. She then told me her MIL and the dogs were headed back to SLC tomorrow so I said bring them and I will see what I can do. I am Bruce very kindly re-headed my dremel and he also made a holding pen for me out of my one dog cage. So I started Bob and Bruce came back out to check on me after a few minutes and asked where the other dogs were. THEY HAD ESCAPED and I DIDN'T KNOW IT!!! That could have been so terrible! Fortunately my friend's husband was following them and as Bruce went out to look ( I had to stay with Bob- no place to safely put him) the husband brought the escapees back. I was reeling. I ended up closing the big garage door to ensure they couldn't get out but that was my primary light source, so I was grooming in semi darkness. Bob took a long time because even though i 10 stripped him (with a 4 face)  he was matted and it took a long time to get through his coat. But he''s a good boy and I thought he looked good when he was finished. Gus was good and was much easier than Bob. I did a 7 on him also with a 4 face. Then there was Cosmo. I could tell he was sweet but I honestly wondered how I could do him. Idon't have a muzzle and he shrieked and fought like I was killing him on things that I know don''t hurt. Finally, desperate, I cut a sock of Bruce's and first tried it as a muzzle but that made me nervous and it wasn't very effective. However, I was inspired to try a blindfold with nothing over the nose or mouth and while it did not make Cosmo easy it did make him doable. I could see his sweetness and goodness even when he was terrified and fighting. And he did TRY to be good when he realized I wasn't trying to hurt him. It is like the panic reaction is wired in but he tried and by the end of the session I was amazed at what he was letting me do. He didn't com out perfect, but so much better and he loved the bath and having his head trimmed. By the end he was sleeping in my arms as sweetly as you can imagine. That was the best part. I knew I had done that dog and his people a service. The money was nice and I surely appreciate the tips but the best part was Cosmo- the very difficult dog. I am sre and tired and I need to go sweep up hair which I am not looking forward to. but I am glad I did these dogs.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Had a less productive day than I planned to. It started with the littlest thing and escalated. I may write about it for venting purposes but not tonight. Bruce is currently in the kitchen. He's been wanting healthier food which astounds and pleases me. I've forgotten how to cook! Anyway, today I tried to make organic chicken breasts, portabello mushrooms, a head of broccoli, brown rice and mild cheddar cheese. It came out...sticky, Bruce suggested Alfredo sauce but I didn't have any of that, so he began adding cream of mushroom soup and water. It has a better consistency now. I will start looking at recipes. I am glad he is wanting more vegetables!

I have a friend who  met a couple years ago in my CNA class. She is smart, smarter than she thinks. She is really adept at picking up science. BUT she is not well educated, writing is very hard for her. She dropped out of high school and got into drugs. She has quit the drugs and the alcohol and also has quit smoking since before i knew her. But she has FIVE kids. Four live with her and she raises them alone. She has no money. Right now she is working a back breaking job for $9 an hour. She's taking summer school and I am helping her with her English class. Her minivan just broke down. It's been on the edge for a long time. Apparently it is an electrical problem this time. There is no public transportation near her (which is so stupid, as she lives in subsidized housing, why no bus route????) Anyway, when her minivan broke down it threw ME into a tizzy. It's because she tries so hard and has so much to do and she has the most positive spirit. I thought, "Well I have an extra car, a low mileage Mercury Sable wagon. I love that car, but it had broken motor mounts and would sometimes die on me. Now the battery is dead, and the tires may be dry rotted. Anyway, I'd give her the car if I could fix it. It has to be in good working condition she can't afford to fix it. I put up a begging post on Facebook. Not contributions and only Bruce and my friend Debbie responded. Debbie couldn't help which she felt badly about (I was hoping I had more flush with cash friends, yeah, right. It wasn't supposed to make anyone feel bad) Bruce told me he would lend me his Subaru if I wanted to lend my friend my Buick.His Subaru has been undriven for a long time. The battery was dead but he put a charger on it and offered to buy a new battery. I took it to the place he got his battery and they tested it and it tested fine, so the guy recommended we put it on the charger. I was pleased Bruce didn't need to buy a new battery. I put gas in it and had it washed and added windshield wiper fluid. His car..... Every time including yesterday I drive that sucker it gets compliments despite the fact that it looks terrible to me. The paint is, well, not there.... its a little coupe and very bare bones. The ac never was any good but Bruce doesn't much like ac. The upholstery is shot, there is no drivers side visor, but men come up and start conversations about this car. People have come to the door wanting to buy it! It is reliable as fuck and while I hate the smallness and spartanness and the lack of that visor, it IS fun to drive. Very responsive. So tomorrow my friend is going to come borrow my Buick and I "get" to drive the Subaru. It will do th Subaru good to be driven. My friend has some leeway at least about getting her car fixed or replaced or whatever. I suggested she could use it till the end of summer. I wish I could do better but I am so grateful to Bruce for allowing me to use his car so I could offer her mine.

Had a message from a friend who asked me if I would groom her MIL's dog. I learned it used to be her dog and I love him. Before I knew that I asked what kind of dog and she said it was Bob but 2 others too!!! I agreed to try to do them Sunday. It will take me all day, Typically I take about 2 to 2 1/2 hours per dog. I have a cage, but I wish I had something bigger. I don't want to close the garage door. I did tell her Bob would be free but I am going to charge $30 apiece for the other 2. She offered to do my hair for free, and while she does do my hair, it should be $40. If I am doing 3 dogs I want SOME money. I really do wish I could get the plumbing fixed in the garage to get a tub with warm water out there. These dogs will fit in the kitchen sink though.  I do like grooming little dogs but I sure wasn't expecting 3!!!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Ive been having trouble tuning NPR in on my car radio, an of course NPR is the only thing I want to hear. Had a rueful smile in the wee hours as I was up in the night with the same problem

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Mo ghost issues last night....but bad dreams. I am body sensitive. There are places on me I never want touched, so of course last night I dreamed I was in so much physical distress I went to a doctor (who I don't trust) and I needed a pelvic exam (which I have only had one of conscious, otherwise I've been knocked out) The doctor wanted to poke me with a nail in my belly button and wanted to restrain me so I couldn't protect myself. He gave me a baseball cap to bite down on. There were two friends I'd lost touch with in his office too. They weren't having these problems.

Bruce is fascinated and amused by my body issues. he tries to map out the locations and ways I hate to be touched. He sees that as a big toy. I wish he'd map out the ways and places I love to be touched, but you get what you get. Touch is very important to me. But yeah, I have a very off body and set of rules about it.

Friday, June 6, 2014

This will be a ramble.

First thing on my mind is how proud I am of Bruce. He has told me he is not going to take the job offered by his ex-boss. I am proud that he really considered me and our pets in making his decision. I am proud that he did not let fear and the carrot of security outweigh what his heart, mind and body told him. There are a LOT of good reasons not to take the job. I was hoping he wouldn't and I told him why. Now, we live on a shoestring and he calculates we have 20 months left, living on the money his mother left him. So he is worried. But, that job would take all of his time and energy and what he has of his health and it's not HIS dream of how he wants to spend his life. I remember my relief when he quit. I am unsure what we will do for money, but I sure hope it is something we like. We don't need anything extravagant. When we were talking about it the last time he asked me, with real interest what I would like to do. I wish I had a more concrete answer. What I like to do is help people and animals. I like to be creative, I like whatever I do to feel meaningful. I would like to incorporate some garage grooming into whatever I do, that is a skill I have (and so far can still use) But I cannot say how relieved I am that Bruce is not taking this job. I am glad that he got to talk with his ex-boss. There were things that were left not right and they both had a chance to correct them. He feels his boss will be mad. I sure hope not! It's very hard work in a difficult environment and it is his Boss's dream, not Bruce's. And Bruce seems much happier now that he has made a decision. He's been much happier since he quit.

I;ve still been plagued with the ghost issue. I don't understand it. I know there is no reason to go over and over and over it, but I do, to the point of exhaustion. What I hate worst is the anger that so often is attached to the thoughts. I have never been a fan of anger and usually I process it as quickly as possible, and it dissipates into life lessons and goes away. Anger can be very very destructive. When I am angry i try my hardest not to inflict it on other people, even those I am angry AT because those life lessons have often taught me that I usually have a good part in the problem and that is what I really need to work on. In this case I don;t inflict anger on anyone else. I am very ashamed and confused to feel it, but it is certainly taking a toll on me. I have no idea how to get past it. The other day, I saw an example of what I feel to be irrational anger (and this being so deep seated and long lasting that is how i classify it) The demonstration was so stupid! Someone accosted me on the Bergdahl release. Now, I barely know anything about this, but when I heard of it I was glad for all parties. That was my natural initial response. I told the person who was expressing so much anger to me that I didn't really know anything about it. I thought that might end the tirade. But no, the person told me Bergdahl was a DESERTER and that  FIVE HIGHLY DANGEROUS CRIMINALS were released to secure his release and Obama BROKE THE LAW here and WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. It was insane and I was very uncomfortable. My mind, having not even heard the "deserter" part before was thinking, if I was in Afghanistan, and saw what this man saw, there is no doubt I would have questioned my presence there and the presence of America's military. I looked at the person talking and wondered if this was a family member of theirs how they might feel. Probably individual conscience might enter the equation then. I still don't know much about this issue. What I am hearin is making me extremely sad and worried about the ease with which my countrymen are stirred to such wrath and hatred. I think if we cannot learn to think critically, to care about other people, our environment and the beings that share this place with us we are doomed and rightly so. I have trouble comprehending the selfish stupidity of my species.

And this brings me to the last little thing on my mind- I am listenin to a book now about a neuroscientist who undertook a study to learn whether our dogs really love us I am entertained by the book, but dayum! If people questions such an obvious thing as the love of our dogs we are even dimmer than I thought. I have never had a dog that left me in ANY doubt of the question. They seem to love better than humans do.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Bruce has an appointment with his former boss to discuss going back to work printing tomorrow at 9 pm. He is nervous. I am nervous for him. The offer is there, it's not that, I am nervous that he may end up taking the position because we need money and sacrifice too much of his life in doing so. Today I took an offer to work Sundays 3-9pm in addition to Saturdays 8-3pm starting in August. It should be ok. I am only taking 12 credits next semester. But I won't have any actual days off in a week.
Up all night with that old pain. More potent than usual. Really tired now and sure I am never going to get over it in this life. So sad