Feeling enormously sad this morning. Physically very impacted by it. Today is the funeral for my friend's 22 year old nephew who blew off half his head in what I guess was an untreated schizophrenic fugue. And yesterday I posted some thoughts on Facebook wondering about what motivates people to care about the plights of others because my 43 year old friend with recurrent cervical cancer, now deemed incurable, is getting so little help while other causes get a flood. I used the example of a 5 year old who just died from complications from undiagnosed type I diabetes. Her family had over $52 K donations and I noticed it was  over $54K the next morning whereas my friend has $525 in help and that's not even gas money to cover the weekly trips to s hospital she will need for 9 hour treatments of chemo that may prolong her life. Some of the comments on the thread were as hurtful as I can imagine people being.  More too
 One of my favorite little grooming dogs was hit by s car yesterday. I don't know of he will live but I sure hope so. His 'mom' utterly loves him. And yet more but I am trying to balance with some happy thoughts. If I can find any

Why don't I just go visit my mom some friends are asking. I am asking myself that too. On one hand I would like to see her, but she is aware that I would like to drag her out of her house (which would probably not be hard to do legally, even though I don't think she is actually in dementia) She is just stubbornly insisting she can impose her will and her work ethic on a situation that is clearly going to take more than the will and work ethic of a frail 79 year old woman who has multople challenges afflicting her. By that I mean family. I mean my (cough) sister in law and my youngest nephew. both of whom she has restraining orders against and yet both of whom enter her house and steal things and store junk there. And even the oldest of my surviving nephews who lives with (off) her and is supposed to help her. I feel no connection to these relatives an while the boys clearly had a terrible upbringing that would handicap any person from being a decent human being, and probably that can also be said of their mother my empathy is far removed from them. I see them as waiting for her to die so they can ransack her house. I want nothing whatsoever to do with them. I don't want to see them or interact with them. My mom knows this. I think she worries about what will become of the "boys" (men in their mid to latte 20s who, as far as I know have never held a job more complex than being concessionaires at Angel Stadium. From which I think they were both fired. Again, they had terrible raising an my family is deeply deeply dysfunctional so I really try to not be judgmental and to respect my mother's evident wish to support at least the older of the two, the one who lives with her. But I don't want to see them. And truly, my wish is to get her the hell out of that house. But she sees it as a place that has good memories. How that can be i cannot fathom, but she does though she admits it is too big for her and it is very dilapidated in a pretty affluent neighborhood. Her neighbors must flat out hate her. She doesn't have the means to fix it up unless she were to, as I suggested, find a realtor who could invest money to renovate it and sell it, then recouping their investment as well as the realtor fees. A friend of mine kidnapped her mother (who threatened to commit suicide if she were removed from her house) That situation was on par with my mother's. But no my friend's mother is happy and in assisted living. I told my mom about this and she was sly enough to threaten suicide if I attempted to remove her from her house.... The one and only time she has ever spoken to, much less met Bruce on the phone in the 12 years we have lived together was to try to get him to persuade me to "back off" And I can see her point. Her whole life she feels she has been controlled by someone. As the middle child she is a textbook case of all the negative associations of being put into positions her older sister, the princess and her younger brother, the baby King were never put in. She is bitter. And my mom can hold a grudge. And then she married my father who was demonically controlling and if he exists as an entity that can recognize me I beam my contempt at him. So I hardly feel that i have a right, even if it is well intentioned to take control of her life away from her. I remember Bruce telling me that people die all the time in Bombay in worse conditions. (he supposes- I suggested that he go with me to visit her. He was not amenable to that idea) And at her age i have to actually question my motives. I know I would like my mom to be happier and less stressed and be able to do some things that I think she wants to do. I want her to eat a proper diet, one she knows would help her live healthier and which she is not currently getting. But my mom owns the house I live in and I wonder to what degree i am colored by the desire to inherit. I make $10 an hour. I have no savings and I own nothing of any real value. But I do not want to attempt to control my mother as to her assets either. I once tried to talk to her about what provisions she wants to make for the boys (because if she DOES leave her "estate" to me I can't imagine that I would do anything for them. But she evaded the topic. A my level of income I cannot just freely travel. I work 6 or 7 days a week currently and besidess taking the time off there are the expenses of staying at a hotel or someplace and then trying to do what my mom needs or wants to do while i am there. If she is not wanting me to go there then it is a waste of time energy and money that I cannot be wasteful with. I told her I am very flexible about coming if she wants me an that i will do anything I can to help her and try to avoid forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to, but this is really really stressful for me. I feel she could be someplace clean and wher she could have friends over if she wanted to and get her hair done and and and and she chooses to stay in what I see as the pit of Hell. So I have said all this but I am still thinking of going down there for at least a few days.

Another sleepless night. I have promised to call my friend today. Not sure what I can do except just listen.
I  would so much like some time in a cabin with food and water and time to be near trees and look for butterflies and see if I can find worth and meaning in my life. Pretty sure Bruce wouldn't want to go.  Fantasizing about taking the dogs. I can't afford such a trip. It's all a fantasy.  I seem to be what I absolutely did not want to be. A cog in a machine with little discernable purpose.

I was finally able to reach my mom. Told her about the relatives who had died, her aunt, just yesterday morning. Asked her if she'd like me to go down or if she would consider coming up here. Her sister was just forced to move too be with one of her daughters, due to dementia. I don't think my mom has dementia (yet) but she is having health problems. I was glad to hear she is seeing a doctor but apparently she is having some kidney failure. We talked a long time but she doesn't want to do anything different about her situation now. I am so frustrated.

I was up all night after reading a note from a long time friend. Her note was almost apologetic but it asked for prayers because of some things that are happening in her life. One is that her nephew, her favorite nephew when he was a child, who had been in strange and disturbing trouble in his young teens, then was diagnosed with schizophrenia at  16 committed suicide. His mom, my friend's sister found him.

The next part of the note talked about her sister's divorce. the marriage lasted longer than I would have thought it would so that didn't surprise me much. But then she said her own manfriend (I am at a loss for words with many modern relationships) has been distant lately. Well yeah! He's distant! He's been living in FL for several YEARS now, having left without notice for the second or third time in the relationship and just MOVED. They've been in contact through the internet and occasional phone calls and even more occasional meetings.  My friend was one of the most capable, independent women I've ever known. But men! We twist ourselves into unrecognizable shapes hoping for the love of some man. It's a man's world too. I often wonder what life would have been like for me if I'd been lesbian. I don't think I hate men but I do distrust them. I have lived with a man who has been honorable in love for 12 years now. I still wonder when that will suddenly change. Not fair to him perhaps, but damage.

I have not written back to my friend yet. I want to say something that will comfort her, but I really don't pray anymore,,. to whom would I pray? Not the patriarchal Father in Heaven I was taught to believe in. But  need to think of something because she is hurting.

I just got home. That was a long day and every part of me hurts. I think I might have groomed Spice for the last time. Not sure but he is about 17, has a HUGE tumor on his heck and today that was an open sore. He used to be pretty lively for his age but today he seemed skinny, weak and the sore on that tumor was very large. I told him what a good boy he is and I carried him out several times to go potty, he didn't go much and he seemed dehydrated. I gave him water and he did drink some. Then I loaded up the car to go groom Buddy and Bella. It was scorching hot and Spice took extra time because he seemed so frail and I wanted to be very careful with that big wound and I wanted him to know I love him. After he was done I ate some Amy's spinach lasagna and drank a glass of water then I started loading up the car to go groom Buddy and Bella. I thought i was going to die. Bruce helped me at the end but I couldn't even break my table down.By the time I got in the car I was sweating so much and felt so worn out I said, never again. It's too bad it would be better by far for Amy. The cool air conditioning was wonderful and I enjoy them even though Buddy is a BUTT on his feet and face. He looked good. Bella was a good girl (after she tried to bite me a couple times) and she was pretty. Bella was just a maintenance so I owe Twila's fund $60. I tried to deposit in y credit union but the ATM  was't working. Amy tipped very generously for what I charged though mobile groomers charge more. I thought maybe.... but I had to bathe in the tub and I can't go that low. maybe a sink, not a tub. I brought Bruce dinner. I thought of Rebecca all day. Ah well...Not sure if I can do anything there. WAY too tired to even unload the car tonight