About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Right now I should be trying to do statistics homework. But no. Here I am. Venting. I wonder if I will ever be done venting. I see fissures in barren lands spewing poisonous gasses. How many millenia till there is green there again?
Nowadays, when I go to bed, I just want sleep. I used to cherish the time before sleep as a time of fanciful thought. Now, just sleep please. But do I get it? No! I twist and contort in the throes of what even I is unresolveable. Like some live bug already ruined by sap that will become amber. Fighting even when movement and breath is impossible. Same. Old. Thing. yesterday, all day I was full of these thoughts, and the sadness, the anger, the feeling of waste and, is it betrayal? I don;t even want to argue. There's nothing to say TO the other person. people go by what is the deepest wish of their hearts. Even I know there is absolute good man ely no point to be made at all in arguing or even expressing this. I find it amusing that I have managed to live through, without terrible damage, sexual molestation, control scenarios ...pretty much name it, but not one ANCIENT, for the other person eminently move-onable relationship. I am quite sure NOTHING I endure in life will ever have the effect on me or cause me the pain and shrinking of self that this one loss has. Not death, nothing. And I am up in the nights wondering if this is mental illness. It could well be! I turn sleeplessly talking to a person who can never listen, and still bound to that soul, in whom I still see all the beauty even recognizing the callowness (toward me, I don't judge further than that, well maybe I do, I feel such amusement at the assertions of his "feminism", so maybe I do) Anyway hours pass and really, I just want to go to sleep. It is an exercise that affects no one but me. Then again maybe that is not so true either. The good man in the other room is affected. By a certain aloofness, by a lack of confidence, full engagement. But that's a long term effect, mulling it, what good does this do I wonder, trapped in the dynamic of it, wishing to express something (what IS it that I would really like this other to know? I can't for the life of me determine THAT) Finally I give up, knowing that once again it will be a sleepless night. And then I remember My Favorite Person. I remember the night he stopped me, on the very short walk from car to apartment and engaged me in purely friendly conversation under the stars in the shadows of snowy Salt Lake mountains not randomly but not with a specific intent. And I, so really ruined I mistrusted any person with a penis who would talk to me only wondered what that was about and speculated on the socioeconomic CASTE of this person and how unexpected the topics of that conversation was. i did not ever ever expect anything like it to be repeated. I had my "not open" vibe down pretty pat. So when I herd that knock on my very door and answered and there he was, as far as I could tell, just a human with no expectations I was puzzled but I found myself up for that. And the wonderful nights of conversation which sent me to work looking like a raccoon, but a happy one.
Last night I remembered a time we went driving. I can't consciously recall where we were now, I think near Morgan. I think we may have even eaten at The Spring Chicken. We were just driving. And it was wonderful. he asked me to pull over, which I would not have done for anyone else seeing it was on a highway. But I did and we hiked up a little hill. I could, of course, still hear the occasional rush of cars. There wasn't a lot of traffic. But that world faded away, even though there was still the sounds of traffic now and then. Have you ever read Carlos Castenada? I have. And enjoyed the books though I was quite sure I would be unhappy in Castenada's actual presence. But there was something akin to that in this experience. Like Stopping the World. The quality of the very sunlight was so palapable. Like it was from a purer more natural time. Like it was nourishing us then and there. Quietly gently but richly. The hill was covered with sage in bloom. Just sage. Not a garden of earthly delights. But it was so alive and bees (which normally make me a bit nervous) were buzzing around. It was very, I can;t think of a better word than happy. It was like being in another world. And we just stayed on this hill for a very long time. At one point he picked some sage leaves and asked me to do so to and he crushed the in his hands and so did I. It was fragrant I remember. he rubbed the crushed sage and my hands and arms and told me it would work as mosquito repellent. We didn;t talk a lot. We mainly just stood there enjoying the feel of this experience that felt outsdie the usual world. At one point as the sun was lowering and I could see distinct shafts of lazy but living and energetic light he stood behind me and put his arms around me. It was the first time he ever did that and it was so unexpected and so beautiful and while it was unusual it felt so natural and right. We just stood there like that till the sun was nearly gone. then we left. After remembering this last night. I slept. Do you think it was just my own memory? Or was that compassionate spirit there?

Monday, February 25, 2013

Determined to make chicken and dumplings Bruce likes. He isn't a big eater. he's a hardly- eater! But he likes chicken and dumplings. This is not food I grew up with. So I am not good at making it. Had a dish of it in Plains GA once that was purely DELICIOUS. I've never come close to making it like that, but now I understand why people like it. Bruce likes it plain. No celery. No onions. No pepper. Pretty much just chicken, broth and very thin rolled out dumplings. It sounds so simple! But you cannot imagine how I've managed to fuck this up. But trying it again. I also got stuff to make him some homemade chili (I am successful at THAT) and I am going to try homemade Swedish meatballs. With me predominantly juicing and souping and nutting Bruce has resorted to frozen food and I just HATE that. It's really unhealthy. He talks about dying much much too often and I am afraid he is going to DO it. I'd like him to take an interest in his health. I certainly want to be more proactive about MINE. It is so weird. the fruits and vegetables work for me, but for some reason I am resistant. Yesterday I found myself eating Oreos which I don't even LIKE. It makes no sense to me why I would sabotage myself, but I am still doing much better than I ever have before. I have to figure out why I am fighting being healthy. I do intend to juice fast over the summer!!
Bruce laughed at me for the organic chicken and organic chicken broth. I try to get everything as organic and as cruelty free as I can. The thought of eating some poor creature from a CAFO makes me literally iill. It is not good for the creatures. It isn't good for us.I am eating very little meat nowadays but when I do I want it to have lived as happy free and natural a life as it could. And this horse meat debacle has got me just cringing. I hate that my species is so exploitative. Horses are friends, not food! I wish with all my heart I had the means to adopt five mustangs...and a place to keep them happily.A little homestead. With a garden. Oh well.
School news... I had hoped to take the statistics test Sunday but I am not prepared. I've got about a week though. I could take the next psychology test now and do well. Mine was, once again, the high score in that class. But that ain't saying much. Now the physiology test had me really really nervous. I hadn't gotten the material to my satisfaction and found myself on test day madly studying in the library. I didn't even want to see my study group because I had so much ground to cover. I did see Smart Guy, and he made me smile. Canvas went down just as I was trying to review the power points for the third of three chapters. That library is always freezing but at least there is light. As it was I tried to study some in my car then just gave up and went to take the test. I had to worry incessantly for DAYS because there was a hand drawn extra credit portion. But results came in last night and I got 101 (he builds in some extra credit.) The high score was 108. I went from a 115.5% in the class to 108.3%. I need to focus better. But still, this is good. Right now in the classes with a grade a have solid As. English doesn't have a grade yet and that worries me and physiology lab...well I don;t have an A there and that pisses me off. But a LOT of people are plain flunking it. However, I need an A to progress. Alright this is turning into a rather unpleasant post and the chicken part of the chicken and dumplings is starting to smell good. I think I had better make the dumpling dough.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I have statistics homework, statistics class, physiology class and a physiology test today. Not at all ready for the physiology test. Hoping I can cram enough to take it before it closes. Well, I have to take it. But I mean, successfully. Went to bed early to try to get some good sleep but dreamed sadly. Seems like it was all night. Only remember one dream but they were all about he who I always dream of. And I get the impression they were all sad. In the one I remember we were both at the same college, he had been there a long time and I was new. I had my dogs with me ( a bright spot) Somehow I had to sleep in the halls and he would walk right past me, awake or asleep (I always knew when he was near) and not even speak. Pretty much like real life actually so again, I think of cutting that thread of connection. Thing is, it would not change a thing for me if I did. I will never be unaware. I will never quit feeling connected. Still I probably should. Anyway, it's not what I need to be thinking about right this second. Right this second I need to be thinking of statistics.

Monday, February 18, 2013

one of my favorite songs, one of my favorite singers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_EuzTMeZms

Sunday, February 17, 2013

This is hard for me to write about. It keeps skittering around in my mind then when I try to focus I get so wound up I can't form cogent thoughts. I could have easily killed someone on Friday. It started out as a day I knew would be stressful. I had a psychology test and a statistics test to take. I was pretty confident about the psychology test, though not sure I would get an A, but the statistics test....no. Not prepared. We are allowed technology in the class but the instructor at the beginner said we'd be fine with a calculator that cost about $10. I bought one that was about $18 and said statistics and hoped it would do. It didn't. I have a TI89 but that has to be programmed for statistical functions and that is beyond me, especially with the class running and me getting further and further behind. I do not feel the instructor explains terms well. For me, anything to do with math is a foreign language and it is not going to just sink in effortlessly. He tends to say, this is mu, point to the symbol and think we've got it. Well I don't get it! The actual math part of statistics is pretty easy, but the concepts and the vocabulary and identifying which formula to use are not so easy. We're allowed excel too, but I am not conversant with it. Trying to learn. Anyway, to shorten this some, all these deficits of mine were on my mind and so was the realization that I had not been able to do some of the homework because i couldn't figure out how to work the calculator or excel to do it and I was unsuccessful doing it by hand. I figured I had long stressful hours ahead of me.
I was invited to go walking and accepted the invitation just when a fellow psychology student messaged that he would be interested in studying. He was planning on being at the library building at 10. I texted my walking friend to see if we could go at 8:45 instead of 9 and she said sure, but when she wasn't there by 5 till I cancelled and just ate breakfast and prepared to go to the library. I took my psychology books and my math books and the newest (FOURTH) calculator that I have, planning to study statistics after i took the psychology test. The statistics class closed at 10 so I was literally fretting the hours at 10 in the morning!
Only Joshua and I showed up for the study group which amazed me because a LOT of people failed the first exam and my 92 was the high score on that test. I even posted my own completed study guide in a class discussion, referenced with page numbers where I found what I thought were the answers and an invitation to study. I thought there might be a good number of takers. But nope. Just me and Joshua. He wanted to wait for a few minutes to see if anyone else came and I was chomping at the bit to get started, but we waited a little. still no one else. We found a study room and he posted to the class where we were in case anyone else decided to come but no one else did. We were there I'd guess for about two and a half hours before we felt like we were as prepared as we were going to be for the test. Joshua's car was elsewhere on campus so since we were both planning to take the test right then I offered to drive. The testing center is close to the campus, Joshua thinks about 4 blocks. I could have turned in and gone the back way and I wish I had. But no, I decided to go in nearest the doors. The left turn was too hectic though, to make INTO the center. People were driving fast and all over. I decided it would be safer to turn left. I thought there was an inlet on that street which had far less traffic. There wasn't an inlet so I saw I needed to turn around. I checked the streets, Nothing coming from behind, the cross streets seemed clear, a white pickup going the opposite way. The turning radius on the Buick is not that good to when the truck cleared I turned right and then into the intersection, a very wide u-turn. Well, I thought it was clear. At the last possible second I saw there was a motorcycle that was coming from behind me. For an instant I thought he would be clear. But no. I felt the impact as he hit my car. We leapt out and he was on the ground. I had the most horrible fear. He was dazed but got up fairly quickly. I was so grateful he was wearing his helmet and all I could think was that I could have killed him. I never saw him till it was too late. My phone was in my trunk (I don;t take it into the testing center) so a witness called the police. The guy (58 years old) only seemed to have a scratch on his arm, I couldn't believe nothing worse than that. I begged him to go to the hospital in case he were injured in a way we couldn't see but he wouldn't. It took a long time for the police to get there. The dispatcher had asked if he wanted an ambulance and he declined. We couldn't move his Harley (big big Harley) to the side of the road, something was bent and it wouldn't move forward. I was flashing to seeing Bruce riding his bike, seeing others i know and love on bikes or scooters ...always thinking how much WORSE this could have been. I think of myself as a safe driver. i wear seatbelts. I haven't had a ticket since I have lived here and for years before that. I have a driver's license and insurance. (I kept thinking about my anger, still pretty hot about the meth lady who hit me and broke my wrist who had none of those things.) Still...I wished I could be on the other side of this accident. The knowledge that i had harmed a person with a car was HUGE in my mind. Joshua stayed for a long time, even though i told him he should go take his test. After it was all over, in shock, I went and took the test too. I noticed Joshua was still there.I went through it so fast i have no idea how I did, but I finished before Joshua then waited for him. He didn't want a ride back to the school (gee, I wonder why) but I went and tried to study for statistics. So many things, some that might seem unrelated kept passing through my mind. I even wondered if i was monstrous for being there studying as I had originally planned but couldn't think of anything more sensible to do. I got some stuff somewhat understood and the library closed at 6. I tried studying in my car as it was getting dark but that was difficult. I finally decided, Fuck it! I'm just going to go take the test. So I did. That test is on the computer. I learned right away I got 95%. Highest score for me on a math test. Like...ever. Couldn't really enjoy it though. And more thoughts and prayers when I got home. I went to bed really early. A friend suggested I try to fight the ticket. I am NOT planning to fight an improper u turn ticket!!! I could have KILLED a person. Yesterday I saw where a cyclist in St George was injured and life flighted. Today there was a story of an motorcyclist being injured on St George Blvd and having to be hospitalized.. I am so grateful this accident didn't go that way. But I am so aware of how hard it is to see these vehicles. If they are in front of me i give them a very long distance. But this one was behind me. When I got him Bruce told me that what I had done was the leading cause of death for motorcyclists. There but for the grace of God...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Just finished a batch of statistics homework. Taking a little break before I review the study guide for psychology. I need to take the psychology test (it opens tomorrow and is open for almost a week but I want it OVER) and I  have to take the statistics test tomorrow, that's going to take my whole day to study for. The physiology test is Wed Thurs. Wed I am in school till nearly 8 so need to take it Thursday. I have a lot of studying to do there! I will have to check to see what's due in other classes. Right now I just need to concentrate on statistics and getting psychology out of my way. It's after 11 o'clock and Bruce isn't ready for dinner yet! I told him I'd make him a BLT and some fried mushrooms. I made homemade tomato soup tonight. Tomatoes, onions, those little red Italian peppers, jalapenos, garlic, ginger, celery, parsley and cilantro seasoned with sea salt, pepper and cardamon. I did add evaporated milk for creaminess. I am hoping the jalapenos bloom overnight as they did in my butternut squash soup. I've never been one to tolerate spicy food, but I find myself craving spices lately. Weird. Well this is enough of a break. I want to be conscious for psychology and then there is Bruce's dinner! He was disappointed that his Valentine's gift to me did not come. I really don't need a gift. I appreciate him enough. But it is very sweet he got me something. He won't tell me what it is. He did just tell me he put 2 movies on the Netflix queue he thought I'd enjoy, one about Dennis Banks who co-founded AIM and one about Leonard Cohen. I am sure I will enjoy them both. Our next excursion in Creative Nonfiction Writing is going to be nature writing. So today I used some Audible.com credits and procured two books by Edward Abbey and one by Annie Dillard. If I have any time!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's funny. Bruce and I were talking about dreams yesterday and he asked me about erotic dreams and what I dream about. Often I write my dreams. Most of my dreams, that I usually don't detail closely, either because I don't remember them or because what I do remember of them just makes me sad are about one person. I can't seem to resolve the loss I felt and the effect the person has/ had on me and so I end up either awake thinking about it for hours or I dream, but usually can't remember much except an emotional intensity and almost always great sadness. When Bruce asked me about fantasies and erotic dreams I had to laugh rather ruefully. I cannot remember having any. ANY! That's sad. I think I have a reason for this, but I'm not 100% sure of the accuracy of it. I think that one relationship took so much of my confidence and my belief in what I think of as true love -though here are many kinds of true love ( I am just talking about the kind between men and women where it lasts forever, which is I guess my deep soulwish. Don't get me wrong. I believe in it for OTHER people. Just not for myself after that one relationship) I guess I just don't dream erotically after that. Bruce sure does. He has all kinds of adventures and fantasies in his dreams. He's quite free in his. And lots of them are very erotic. I think my basic makeup strongly connects love and commitment with sex and therefore if I do not love, I don't think of sex. I know. it's weird. Especially because I know myself to be a very sexual person. I can't explain better. Anyway, I just wanted to say I actually had a dream last night that I woke up happy after. In it I got to see Miles. He had hair in at least part of it. And what hair! It was thick and black and cut in non concentric circles of varying length on his head in what I would guess were tribal patterns. I was going on a roadtrip with a friend. I think it was Tracy but I am not sure. We were going to some wild spot and who but Miles should pull up next to us in a tan truck! I was very excited and wanted him to come along. My companion did not, but somehow i communicated to him where we were going and, as I knew he would be, he was there. I can't remember the details of the trip, I just remember being happy. And, as a kind of Godjoke, there was a scene of Miles naked in a bathtub which I guess is as close to erotica as I'm gonna get.I LEFT when I saw him in there, but the image does linger. Miss that body.  Made me laugh. Probably this is a post I should not have made, but its proximity to a couple of things, including the dream talk with Bruce yesterday made me want to write it.  

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Yesterday was a very nice day. Today I didn't wake up till 10 am and that was due to an emotional dream. I can;t remember WHY it was emotional just the who and probably it being undetailed is better. I haven't slept so late in forever! I think I could have stayed in bed all day. But i didn't. I got some chores, but no homework done. I enjoyed memories from yesterday, mostly Bruce chasing me around with a "fanny whacker" I got that reminded me of one my grandma gave my mom. Strange little poem on it. It was never used on me, but it probably was on David. Poor kid got spanked a LOT. Anyway, Bruce was tying to administer 53 swats and a pinch (I told him no one wants me to grow an inch...he had no idea what I was talkin about-in my neighborhood it was "a pinch to grow an inch and a smile to grow a mile" In his apparently it was "a pinch for luck" Anyway we were cavorting through the house laughing as he tried this. It was fun!
I ate butternut squash soup several times today- the jalapenos bloomed during the night an I found the stuff quite enchanting. Only had on juice today- pineapple, grapefruit and ginger. So good!!! Like drinking a sunny day. I was drinking it watching a few little flurries of snow. Big pretty flakes. The snow didn't last long. I enjoyed the flowers I got yesterday and some music, started off in a Janis Joplin mood. This evening I had a spate of texts. An older friend who is quite worried about his prostate and doesn't want surgery he thinks he may need... a friend who is sick.... (I ran her over some of both kinds of soup I made yesterday- almost before i got home she had texted the chicken noodle was delicious- I said, "you're fast!" she countered with, "I was HUNGRY!" Pleased me that she liked it. It was a fairly quiet day. Some undertones. But mostly light. I would prefer to be light and playful and focus my attention on the people who love me. Speaking of that, I need to call my mom and find out if she has YET tried her juicer. I am so grateful for mine!. I love eating healthier and learning more about how to care well for myself. Today I went to the store for bags (soup distribution) and to replace that Hershey bar i gave to a friend last night. I'd asked Bruce first if he wanted it and I thought he said no but he had wanted it. He was a little sad, but good natured about it. So I was thinking about his sweet self and got him the candy an a card which I will give to him later. I really appreciate him and his love and our little furry family He fed Bitty last night. Bet she appreciated seeing him. I love him for his tender heart. And I love our babies. I gave the dogs nice meaty bones today and just revelled in the sounds of their contented crunching. Well sleepy now. I think I will go to bed.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I had a very nice day, with tulips and roses and glittery shoes and much love from friends. Instead of doing homework which I SHOULD have done I made soup from some of my new veggies. I made chicken noodle soup to which I did add some garlic which made poor Bruce turn on the kitchen fan AND light sandalwood incense. I knew he would not TRY the soups in any case. The man likes Campbells. Le sigh. my fingers actually hurt from removing tiny thyme leaves from the woody stalks. I grated my hand pretty good as i was grating fresh ginger.... Bruce thought i was going to eviscerate myself trying to saw through butternut squashes. I decided to use all three and I wish I wouldn't have because unlike all the other foodstuffs in those baskets except maybe the non roma tomatoes the butternut squashes were not quite ripe. And old SI friend, oh don;t ask, but this is my alone space so you weren't thinking of asking anyway directed me through the process an provided me with a recipe. This here recipe. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Butternut-Squash-Soup-with-a-Kick/Detail.aspx. Some of the ingredients are not on my new list of foods to eat but I figured, it's my birthday! And I wasn't have cake! I followed the recipe pretty closely except that I tripled it and then only used 2 jalapenos. I am nervous about potentially hot stuff. The soup came out good but a little bland. Laura later told me my Butternut squashes were a little unripe and that she BAKES them before scooping them out of their skins. Woulda been good to know! She also said she adds ground cloves, and nutmeg to the mix. I added those and threw in cinnamon so I have a slightly dessert like creamy soup that is a bit bland but good. I might try it again sometime. But I really want to make Tom Kha Kai (most online recipes for it call it Tom Kha Gai or just Tom Kha. Another SI friend Donna gave me another recipe using Butternut squash and that sounded very good too.
Ah new foods to eat. Right. Well III still want to do a 60 day juice fast. And I clearly see the benefits to me by basing my diet mostly on juice. But with school schedule it's very difficult. I keep a cooler in  my car trunk and on the mornings I have tome to make juice I will, but it tastes INFINITELY better to me fresh, so that's a problem. I've decided to try the juice fast over summer break. But really I want to drink mostly juice now and stick otherwise to soup and salad and nuts. I am eating more nutritiously than I have EVER in my life.
As I say it was a nice day with many friends extending good wishes on facebook or texting or coming over. I felt very loved today, which was nice. My friend Rebecca brought 3 of her sons! I think I need to go to bed now. I am quite sleepy and starting to think in circles. Night Night.

I am 53 today! Doesn't seem like a long time. I had planned to get up early to volunteer at the Bountiful Baskets pick up site. But I didn't get out of bed early enough. When I got there to pick my fruits and veggies up I was surprised to learn that I had ordered FIVE baskets instead of the THREE I thought I had. Makes the $120 I spent a much better value! And, most of mine is organic which is an extra charge. Those are just some representational pictures. The lot of food was massive! There's stuff in this bunch that I can't even identify! And stuff I've heard of but have never prepared, like butternut squash. I do wish there were more lemons and more of stuff I normally juice. But I am not complaining! I think I might make some soup today!

Friday, February 8, 2013

When I got home today there was an early birthday present from Bruce sitting (where else?) on my computer table. Converse shoes. And not just any converse shoes but THESE Converse shoes.http://www.shoesteal.com/productimages/shoes_iaec1151018.jpg I am wearing them now and feeling like... Glinda. Glinda and a rock star. Thank you Sweetie Boo! You always find such odd ways to make me smile!
It makes me happy that he sees me as Glinda. He sees me other ways too but they are usually cute and funny. There are a lot of things that I am not that I wish I was. But I am loved. 
Apparently I am a slow learner. Today I had to do some errands, get gas, go pay the insurance and I had taken a girl in my psychology class home (well I would have taken her home, but she opted to be dropped off where her husband works) She said it saved her a 4 mile walk. It is a brisk day and has rained (absolutely beautiful day at that time with gorgeous deep blue sky and sunlight back lighting dramatic back and white clouds) Anyway it was on the other side of town. So I decided to have lunch out. I first stopped at The Egg and I, was craving their tortilla soup. But they close at 2 so I was too late. Instead of going home and eating as I should have, I justified that it would be hard to go back out to get gas and take care of the insurance if I came home first. So... of COURSE avoiding fast food, I am not THAT dumb anymore I stopped at a close to home and good little Mexican food place. Told her no on the chips and soda, but I ordered a 3 piece combo-I was hungry. Enchilada, taco and chile relleno. I knew it was a mistake immediately. Same discomfort, well let's just say pain, though it abated fairly quickly. Watery feeling also, deep within. Not good. And it all tasted...how can I say it? Dead. It tasted dead and not welcomed by my body. Maybe I am slowly learning. But I truly enjoyed my warm water and juice mix this morning more than that meal. Hope I remember that.
When I went to pay the insurance I learned that my agent has moved. So I drove to the new location I walked in and the girl at the counter said "Hi LeAnn!" I was thinking, "Wow, I never recall seeing you in my LIFE and you know me on sight?" She went on, "I was just thinking of emailing you and here you are" I was trying frantically to place her. When she mentioned school it finally clicked. Yesterday I was walking out of the physiology lecture and heard my name being called. I turned and a girl, this girl said"Oh good I had your name right. I was wondering if you study with anyone, you seem to be getting this and I am not." I gave her my phon number an e-mail but I apparently didn't memorize her face well. Anyway, we will be studying on Sunday. I can use all the studying I can get an a time will make me actually do it. I tend to put physiology off until just before the test and do all my studyin then, but that's a bad habit. So I am glad she asked.
Feeling nice right now. Munching on almonds. This morning I got up, made a juice composed of an apple, 3 celery stalks, some ginger, a lemon and, because I didn't want it to go bad, half the green pepper I used in Bruce's meatloaf. Stirred into hot water. I cannot believe the effect of such a simple thing! I immediately felt warm and soothed and happy and "round" which is a wonderful centered golden feeling. Then I went for a walk with Marilyn. It was a very nice walk! Scenic and just the right length for a little exercise in the morning. Today I just have one class, psychology. I want to finish the study guide for the test. Then I'd like to TAKE the test but it's not open yet. Wish it was. I have a lot of other homework though. And I need to do it ALL. Statistics test due by Friday, but the "teacher" suggests we take it Wed because he will be introducing new material Thurs. Lots of physiology to read. An much t do in Creative Nonfiction Writing. A paper due Tues that I haven't even started! But right now just relaxing in the morning. Anticipating a nice shower. Unhappy that my rear car window is down and it has rained today. I always wish for rain but not good when you can't get the window up. This is very annoying because the other THREE windows motors-that-make-the-window-go-up-and-down have failed and been expensively replaced. Very expensively. How this window is down i do not know because, given the history I was sure it was about to fail. And somehow, it has. And it's raining. But right now I'd rather think about and enjoy the good physical feeling I have and finish the psychology study guide.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Sitting with a "goodnight" juice made from celery heart, a lemon, some ginger and warm water. I like the additions! I've read that it is good to go to bed and arise with warm lemon water. Believing it.
 I had a rather icky day today. Having such terrible trouble in statistics that I wanted to be at Staples at 8 when they opened to buy a calculator so that perhaps I might get my homework done before the 1 o'clock class. As it turns out I did NOT finish it by then. I am so lost! Anyway, at Staples I had no assistance and their demonstrator calculators were..... NON-WORKING due to dead batteries. After standing there for some time I decided that I did not wish to fork out over $100 for the TI83/84 models without being able to SEE the formulas I know I need. So, I saw an HP 10bll+ that purported to be a business/financial/ STATISTICS calculator and it did have an n! key. There was no demonstrator, but I bought it for ($40+ tax + batteries) and the strange disc batteries that power it. In the car I saw in the tiny booklet that it listed at least some of the formulas I need. But no instructions how to enter the data! The examples are unclear on the homework. I could not figure out what the FUCK I was supposed to be doing at some points. Then, even when I thought I did understand some procedure, the homework check kept telling me I was wrong. I discovered that this calculator rounded to 3 decimal places whether you want it to or not. If that IS changeable I have no idea how to change it. The frustration of not being able to use the calculator, or understand the instructions for how to do it by hand had me just furious and frustrated. My physiology class is 15 minutes after statistics ends. After physiology I went and  bought a TI84 Plus- Silver Edition. NOT fro Staples. Decided not to try to do anything tonight about statistics. Too angry. So I've been working on the psychology study guide.. I thought I would be long done but I still have 5 answers to find and I am dead sick of it for the night. I have a LOT of homework to do. I really had hoped to finish the study guide tonight. And I keep getting spurts of venom about having 2 superfluous calculators (in addition to my TI89, which will be useful if I try to understand the algebra this summer)
I hope to get some good sleep tonight, wake up late in the morning, juice, do homework of some sort and go to class. Immerse in schoolwork all weekend. Maybe make progress. And do my best to take care of myself. Anger is not conducive to that. But I swear to God i feel like the stats teacher does not really care if we learn.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Why do I dream of you? Over and over. What about you is such an enduring draw to me that even asleep, I conjure your name and face and feel? And when I wake I realize I made you up. You do things that you would not do in life. Last night you wanted me to be open to you. You were in some...fight? I refused to witness and you pleaded with me to be open. Why in the world would i do this? I wake up sad.So many layers of sadness.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am expecting today to be a gruelling day. I have statistics and I never did find the n! key and I don't understand how to read the formulae. Fifteen minutes after statistics ends I have physiology lecture. I haven't read the material yet but the professor goes over it in power point. I am hoping to have time to read some before class though. Then there is Creative Nonfiction Writing. I need to read and comment on two fellow students work. One, I had already done, but she rewrote making it necessary to go back and do her again. The other did not turn her work in on time. And there is supplemental reading for that too.
I am starting the day with a cup of warm water into which I've added the juice of half a lemon. I saw this on a website I am liking a lot http://fitlife.tv/benefits-warm-water-lemon/. I first tried it with cool water and was surprised that I felt better. Last night, after the day's regression into the land of barf and significant digestive system pain I tried it warm. I was afraid the lemon juice might exacerbate the pain but it did the opposite. It soothed! I am not so dumb as to ignore that ! I am gong to implement the start and end of day warm lemon water. Today's breakfast will be the pineapple grapefruit and ginger concoction I so enjoy and I am going to make sure I make enough juice to take with me today. I also intend to make up meatloaf for Bruce to have tonight. One bad aspect of me doing juicing and trying to eat healthier is that he is eating more frozen and junky food. He is not inclined to try the juice or more natural food but if I make better stuff he will eat it. And he loves meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Not my favorite day. Feel like crap right now. Succumbed to half a sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup. Two bites into the sandwich I was throwing up. : ( Then in miserable pain for about three hours. My psychology teacher held class sans lights- some kid turned them off when he entered and she took this for class consensus. But who knows what kind of faces I was making? My brand new (temporary now so it's not in color) driver's license proves that I can look more insane than I ever dreamed possible. After class I studied in the library until I nearly froze...2-6 in there studying psychology and I didn't even finish the study guide. Right now I should be doing homework but I feel completely ennervated.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Having trouble with statistics. Spent hours on it today and would have tried to keep going but I cannot locate an n! key or function on either of my calculators. So now, fairly tuckered, I am going to go to psychology. Hope it doesn't take long. tomorrow morning I want to put in an order at Bountiful baskets to see if I can save some money on expensive fruits an vegetables. You can only order on Monday and delivery is EARLY Saturday morning. Pick up I should say. The nearest location to me is the high school. Since I have to get up early on a Saturday I think I will volunteer. that means being at the high school at 5:30 am! But I will go back to bed when it's over. Bountiful Baskets is a coop ad I believe in that kind of thing. I sure wish I was a good gardener. I know I will try to learn how to be at some time. If, of course I have time.
Today was a fairly nice day. I was going to groom a friend's schnauzer. She took me out to see Django Unchained which I thoroughly enjoyed. (for me upcoming birthday) But today she was sick so I didn't get to do Sammi Sue. Then I learned anther friend was sick. I decided to make homemade chicken noodle soup. I used to be a pretty good cook I think, but since Bruce doesn't really eat I don't cook much anymore. So this was a pleasure though I've not made a lot of soup in my life. Organic broth, fresh garlic, onions, ginger, leeks carrots, celery, noodles, parsley fresh chopped and fresh rosemary sage thyme and bayleaves too. Sea salt (but not much) and a tiny bit of pepper. Oh! Chicken of course! Lots of that!and water chestnuts. I thought it was pretty good. It was better than canned for sure and I may even improve. I was so pleased I decided I am going to put learning how to make Tom Kha Kai on my list. My friend appreciated the soup. Took her a big pot as she has a lot of kids. Bruce won;t touch it so it's all mine, the remainder.
Tomorrow I also need to go renew my driver's license and then there's class, a study group (or just me if no one else comes) Then home and plenty more homework

Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy at the moment. even though I gained THREE POUNDS from the last time I weighed making total weight loss to date just 12 measley pounds However, I am feeling better for SURE. So...weight is what it is. I learned today I got 106 of 110 on my first physiology test. He builds in extra credit so I am very pleased. One of my study buddies got a perfect 110!!! Happy for him!!! The mean was 81.2 and the low was 46. Since I have little background in biology and it is ANCIENT an NO background in chemistry I am ecstatic about my score. I was bummed to only get 46 of 50 on my psychology test until I learned it was the high score on the exam and that some people got below 25.
I should be studying right now but I am not. Instead I am thinking about an awesome video I saw http://www.doyoueven.com/2013/01/heart-touching-inspirational-transformation/ I am being grateful to be learning about juicing and nutrition and taking better care of myself and I am grateful for the small circle of people who really care for me and grateful that Bruce is supporting me through school and I sure hope I don;t let him down. I am grateful for my dogs. I'd like to watch a good movie long about now