This isn't intended as a polished post. Not that I am a particularly polished writer in any case. This is a vent, one of several that I am fomenting. The oldest, deepest, most painful one. so if it sounds raw and childish, well it is certainly filtered through a raw child. I am not going to send it TO you, what would be the point? But I am impelled to try to express some of what I've been thinking and feeling.
From the first day I met you, you always registered off the scale of my interest. I am not sure why this is so, apparently enduringly true, but it is a fact of my life. However i gave my heart to you it has stuck as a promise. I know I prayed and prayed for forever with you back when I had much more trust in prayer. If there is a God, I find it most amusing that God should have chosen to grant that particular request, being that God would know the disparity of the desires and feelings involved. Believe me, this one simple incident has truly affected my beliefs about the nature of God. Anyway, when I ascertained the disparity and set you free, which for me was the hardest and most painful act I have or will ever perform in this life I know it was not the same experience for me and for you.
At 21 I was convinced i would never love again. I did not so much as hold a man's hand for 15 years after that breakup. I am betting you were getting laid within the week. Likely, BEFORE the breakup. Your enduring lesson to me, and I have never forgotten it, is that my heart is disposable. I have never believed i was worthy of a forever love after you, though I always craved that. In some moods, this is so amusing, in others it is so sad.
I spent years and years feeling you. I will swear this is so. And i never expected any contact with you again. Every important person in my life, who knows of you asked what i would do if you "came back" I never, after those 15 longing years I mean, even considered it as a possibility. And what would "back" mean anyway? Well, I will get to that.
We live in such an age of wonder! The internet makes many things possible and so easy that may have been possible but certainly would have required effort before. When Classmates came out i signed up for it primarily wondering what it might be like to communicate with you, to learn how you remembered me, to hear what you had done with your life and if you were happy. You did not contact me for a very long time. I thought that might actually be for the best because i realize that in relation to you I am something of a crazy person. And that is counter to most of the rest of my personality. I don't mind being a spontaneous person or many other elements of what some people typify as crazy, but to be obsessed with someone I understood never valued me that deeply to begin with is a part of crazy I don't much care for. How do I make that evaluation? Well, for one example there was the fact that you left. And while I was losing the love of my life and my dearest friend I guess you must have missed me somewhat as a friend and confidant, because you wrote to me, telling me with much satisfaction that you felt you had learned to love. How sensitive of you! Once you did contact me all those years later and we were making tentative forays to getting to know about one another's lives I heard so much in your attitudes that told me exactly what i had NOT meant to you. Things like... "I think I remember that picture" I remember your face and your pictures very well. I remember individual kisses and conversations and the way you smelled and tasted. I remember your expressions. Then there was, "I give you about as much time as I do any of my old high school friends" I don't think I was begging for your time, but really? I am one of your old high school friends? it actually shocked me to learn that.
Meanwhile i was coming to grips with the fact that you were in a relationship with a woman who bore your child. I had such a mix of emotions! I realize that i am speaking to a lot of poisonous thought and very hurt feelings here, but there are truths that I am not telling. Something about you makes me STILL crave to know you. I am so happy for your experience of fatherhood. I respect a lot of your values. I just hate looking for you first thing of a morning and you being my last thought of my days when the converse is just not true.
So I am disappointed. But I guess there are no further adventures to share between us, nothing I can give you of any great value. I am tired of feeling like a stalker in your life hoping to glean a little bit about who you've become. I cannot stop the What Is about you that has tied me to you for my whole life, but i can sure as hell sublimate it. And I can pray that God, if any, will be merciful and end this obsession with my life. I really do expect a thought of you to be the last thing that flashes through my dying mind, but if there are other lives, I hope I retain enough sense of the pain you are in my life to turn the other way at first sight. Or perhaps I wouldn't be so tempted again. Who knows.
Anyway, we have the smallest thread of a connection in "the real world" and I am going to give myself a week but then I plan to sever it. I don't think you will feel anything though I do think you will notice. The feeling, again will be mine.