Hospice

Well, I got sick and even though I wore a mask I passed it along to Bruce and to my mom. I'm still coughing a lot, but mostly functional. At the height of it, which lasted about a week, I had to sit down between even simple tasks to tend my mom to try to catch my breath. All I really wanted to do was sleep. Bruce smokes and he is having even more trouble than I did. My mom, well she decided she was done. She pushed her call button twice the other night and told me plainly, clearly and decisively that "she wants to go to sleep and not wake up" So yesterday morning I called hospice and she has started the process of transitioning from this world to the next. I think she could have lived years longer and Bruce and I would have been happy to care for her but she doesn't want that. I skipped the morphine last night because I wanted to make sure this is what she really wants to do and she said she did this morning. Last night she had a blessing from elders in her church. I hope it gives her peace. I am overwhelmed and sad and just full of thoughts and questions. And I'm tired. Not that I can sleep but hospice here is very different than it was in FL. There I had 24/7 help and support. There was a CNA all day and a nurse all night.Right there. Here, I've had nurses drop off med, take her vitals and this morning I had the nurse help me administer medication, change her sheet, her diaper and her blouse but then they leave. They are just a call away they say, but it is diy here. I'm sure I will adjust and it probably won't be a long time in any case. I can't get my head and heart around the fact that my mom is going to die