Overreacting?

We ordered my mom an air-horn. She decided to take a bath, which I am all in favor of. She takes Toby in there with her and closes the door. I was in my bedroom, mere feet away and I heard Toby baHrking a little and decided to go check on her. She has always liked long hot baths. I go in and she's sitting in the empty tub and tells me she's been calling me for awhile. I never heard her at all. Toby of course, had pooped on the floor and when I let him out of the room he peed in the hall. I helped my mom out of the tub and into her room, got her some clothes and then proceeded to bleach things. I use more bleach more regularly than I ever would have imagined and laundry is a serious time consumer nowadays. But I'm getting better and more organized at it.

Bruce thought a bicycle horn would do but nope, I want a freaking air-horn. When I went to Lorena's graduation someone in close proximity to me had one and I was impressed at how its utilization launched me out of my seat. That's what I need. Something unsubtle and unmistakeable. She's going to feel so powerful!

I Need To Be More Aware

I knew that today was July 2, but thought it was Saturday. I was getting very confused trying to mentally prepare myself for the week with that erroneous presumption.

I am, (and it is blissful!) debt free. When I paid off my one measly credit card I blocked it because I saw 2 charges on it I didn't understand. One was for Classmates, which I really don't use. The other was for Netflix. "Wait! Doesn't Netflix come out of my checking account?" I checked and indeed that is the way it was set up. I could not figure it out until last night I remembered I had set up a Netflix account for my friend Steve. YEARS ago. I don't even know if he ever used it. But I've been paying it for years. One one hand I hope he was getting use from it in which case I feel badly for cancelling it, but since we don't currently talk I think that was the right thing to do. But if he wasn't ever using it-what a waste of money!

I'd like to think today is going to be a more relaxed day than I've been having lately, but reviewing the necessary to do list in my head I see that it is NOT, unless I choose to leave things undone.

Consultation with the surgeon who will create the fistula Monday 6/26 at 11:30.  My mom was not pleased it is so soon, I am.

06/22/2017 Nephrologist

I really like my mom's nephrologist. He was so shocked by the drastic plunge in her kidney function that he had a nurse draw blood and ran the test again while we waited. Her other numbers were improved on the previous test so it seemed weird that creatinine went to 3.7. He asked what was going on. I told him how much she is sleeping and mentioned the huge weight gain which I don't think could possibly be food since she barely eats (another symptom of kidney failure) I told him about the increased edema in her feet. I told him about diarrhea and falling. Today was the first day she let me use the wheelchair and I hope it made things easier in her perception, it sure was great in mine! He decreased her nightly insulin to 7 and the nutritionist he brought in suggested I could do 6 if I felt that was better. I love the flexibility. Her blood sugar was just 51 this morning after 8 units of Lantus last night. The nephrologist doesn't want hers lower than 100. That seems really good to me. I don't give her any if the night's blood sugar reading is 200 or less. Anyway, her toxins numbers are good (about 35) so something is working. He thinks she's dehydrated. I'm encouraging her to drink more water. He removed an alkalizing medication for now and her blood pressure medicine for now also. Those will probably be re-added if she gets stronger and her nutrition improves. We asked about whether hemodialysis or peritoneal dialysis would be better for her. He said he generally prefers peritoneal dialysis for his elderly patients but that for now she is too weak. He's referred her to a surgeon to create a fistula but that needs to season. Because her other numbers are good he is not ordering a catheter in her neck right now. Hopefully the fistula will have time too season. We have to go back a lot more often. We have an appointment in 2 weeks and I should get the surgery scheduled by Tuesday (don't know when it will be though) If she improves on the hemodialysis we can switch to peritoneal later. I am happy she is willing to try dialysis and that we have a plan. She will also be taking a protein supplement and fortunately she likes it so that will help with protein. we went out to dinner at her favorite buffet after the appointment and she ate better than she has in a long while.

Today

I feel so sad and also kind of numb.

Today started with some wry humor, if you see such things as humorous. I was up at 4 to take Toby out and to bring my mom her juice. Then I went back to bed. But Toby's imperious "baHrk" got me up to take him out. I staggered to the bathroom (I'm not getting enough sleep. I don't think there IS enough sleep) and was greeted by a live mouse in the toilet bowl. I put that need on hold and went to take Toby. He peed on me (but not till we were through the sliding glass door)

My mom is being very brave. She says she wants things to continue here as usual. Of course, I don't think that's possible She has such a sweet, beautiful, innocent face. Last night, trying to impress on her the gravity of the situation I told her, than unless she opts for dialysis from what I've read, she will only live for weeks. She feels she's done what the Drs have asked and she doesn't quite understand how her situation could have gone so far down so fast. I don't either. We will have lots of questions for the Dr tomorrow. At this point I think I'd like to check into a home nurse. I'm betting she won't like that much, but I'm wondering if I am doing something wrong. I am trying my bestt to take good care of her and to balance that with her wishes.

Reeling

While I was grooming Ruffles today, my mom's Dr's office called with results of her lab tests. She's gone from stage 4 kidney disease to stage 5. While the person was giving me information I understand less I was grappling to get her to give me the kidney function #. It went from 19 at her last visit to 11. She's in the do dialysis or die territory. I am shocked. i knew she wasn't doing as well because she's mostly been sleeping and the red rings are coming back under her eyes. But that seems to be a huge drop very quickly. Bruce went in with me to tell her. Because I want to to be thinking about what she wants to do at this point. She looked stunned and resigned at once. She didn't want me to be string at her. I think she has a good grasp of the seriousness of the situation. I feel gut punched and so (this is not such a good word, but it's the best I can do) concerned for her. Not pity, though I sure wish I could change this result, but protective and aware of her vulnerability. But also sort of like the wind has been knocked out of me.

Exhausted, frustrated and Concerned

My morning began between 5 and 5:30 when I got up to take Toby out, do my mom's readings and give her her morning medicine and juice. I knew there was a problem as soon as I was in the hall. Something stank. Badly. Entering my mom's room I saw what looked like a crime scene, but in shit instead of blood. Toby had had BAD diarrhea on her bed and he and my mom were sleeping obliviously in the middle of it. I took her readings first, then took Toby out and then to the groomery to bathe him. The excrement was so dried on it took 4 shampoo-ings to get it all off. I am sure he felt better after the bath. Then I stripped the bed down to the fitted sheet (which I thought was clean) and started trying to get the bedding clean. Lots and lots and lots of laundry. I had planned to do my bedding and other laundry today, but so far the machine is commandeered. My mom wanted hotcakes for breakfast and so I made some. I can't remember ever making worse tasting hotcakes and I can't think what went wrong, I mean, it's not rocket science! My mom has a Dr's appointment and labs today and even though I try to take how slow she is under consideration we didn't get there till 1 (they wanted us there at 12:45) She won't let me use the wheelchair I got for her and she did indeed fall in the dr's office. She gained about 25 pounds which is incredible to me because she eats so very very little. The first reading of her blood oxygen at the Dr's, which was taken right after she was back in a chair after the fall was 79. Not good! They later took it again and it was 90 which is better but still not terrific. I had the Dr look at her feet because I am noticing edema and her toes are purplish. She was mad at me for that and madder at Bruce because she thought it was at his instigation even though I told her I have been concerned and rightfully so because with diabetes, paying attention to one's feet is critical. She gave 5 tubes of blood for labwork. I discusses diarrhea with her Dr who advised me to bring it up with the nephrologist next Thursday. We're reducing her Lantus from 10 to 8 at night because her morning readings are so low. I told her Dr I am not giving her Lantus if her blood sugar is 200 or lower. Thankfully he agreed with that strategy. I took home a hat and a sample cup to do the urine sample at home. I'll take it back later. She can never manage to pee in a Dr's office even if she drinks water which she did. After the appointment she just wanted to come home. she was worried about Toby (and indeed he has crapped all over the floor of her room and smeared it everywhere- another bleach job for me today) Bruce changed her sheets all the way while we were gone and I am doing even more laundry. Getting her in the front door, my heart was in my throat and even though both Bruce and I were spotting her she went down AGAIN in the cement and bumped the back of her head. The lady across the street came running over with a blanket to help. My mom needs to lay there awhile before she wants us to try to help her up. I hope the lady doesn't think I was rude to send her away, but it's not a quick fix. Nothing with my mom is quick anymore. Things work better if we go at her very slow pace. I'll get a thank you card for the lady and try to explain. Once she was in the house my mom just wanted to lay down, so she didI added a pressure releasing pad under her. Bruce went to check on her a few minutes ago and she is asleep. I'm going to need to wake her up to get the urine sample. That makes me feel bad, but they close ar 5. I told Bruce I am considering getting my mom a helmet. He suggested kneepads too. I'm grateful for him. He really cares about my mom and checks on her many times a day.