I don't write here enough for it to be meaningful. Maybe I will change that, maybe not. I am fairly active on facebook but I cherish the idea of this little corner as a place to vent, though I rarely do. I would like to write more of my thoughts down. I would like to do so many things!
It's the day after Christmas, we had a nice quiet one. It was enjoyable but as usual I spent most of my time alone. But the time I spent with Bruce was nice and the dogs were just wonderful. I made a nice dinner and Bruce even suggested we listen to some Christmas carols which pleased me.
I called my mom in the morning and that is always really stressful and sad for me. The stories she tells me break my heart. My dad is long dead and I feel he broke her. My brother, my only brother who I miss so much who died at 40 of alcoholism has been gone 9 years now. His oldest son, the one i was closest to. died this year of alcoholism at 28 year old. It is numbing. And my sister in law, who I hope never to see again, still hunts my mom. She is like a street person now. Her other two sons (one of whom my mother suspects i not my brother's-I rather think both of the others aren't but that's me) live with my mother and it is NOT good. She tells me about calling the police every conversation. This last one she told me that she is bothered that they stay up all night and then sleep all day. They are adults now. My mom said she threatened to throw water on one of them if he wasn't up by a certain time. She actually did this. And he in turn threw something at her which gave her a bloody nose. I can't even begin to describe my mother as a person. She is not unintelligent but not overly so either and she is simple in ways. But she has always been an extraordinarily good person. She tries to control thins she can't. And she let my father just wreck her as a person I feel. I remember her once telling me she had many other suitors but she didn't like a guy to be too nice. I was so depressed by that. I love niceness. my father treated her like a slave. And an object. Yet she was so devoted to him. I know I am a ruined person in many ways, but not so ruined as to EVER stand for the things that she did. And I wonder if she is somehow blessed for her ability to have to have loved him so. Or cursed. Anyway, the nephews....They steal from her and take every advantage. I feel like I should DO SOMETHING but she doesn't seem to want me to do anything. I enjoy the idea of free will even though I wonder if we are ever free.
We did talk about fudge pleasantly. Woo Hoo! If one reality gets too painful try another. I had a wild hair to make old fashioned fudge, the kind with a candy thermometer. My first batch was edible but grainy. I was pleased when the second batch came out really well (though I think I should have put it in the buttered glass pan a little bit sooner than i did) I tried again today and was too inattentive. i let it go to a higher temperature than I should have and I let it cool too long before beginning to beat it. Each batch i learn stuff. And I enjoy cooking and baking but i really really need to learn to take better care of myself. I am tired all the time and sick much much too often. Thinking of rejoining the gym and i would like to try a juice diet for 60 days and then to really be attentive to what i eat. But that's a long term goal and one I have never been very successful at. However I am becoming much more politically aware and in some cases even active and food is becoming a huge issue to me. Factory farming, GMO's .... MONSANTO which I feel is deathwish incarrnate. And being used to control the population. I see conspiracy everywhere nowadays. Fracking is another hot button for me. I am trying to learn more and trying to learn how to live better in this world with as little wish to control others or BE controlled as i can. And I am belatedly trying to access my more mystical, artistic, intuitive side. Don't know if that is going to fly. But I hope it will.
And I am still in school. It takes so much more energy than I thought it would! I am deeply shocked at that! It is very stimulating and moving though. Learned how easily I cry in math class. I just suck at math! And I try so hard! Bad enough to cry at home about it but I was crying IN CLASS and i was sitting in the front row. I spent hours and hours trying to understand. more hours than I could afford to. Usually I am my own best teacher in a way. I like to study something out for myself and then maybe get together with others and that deepens my understanding. Didn't work for math. I had, do not ask me HOW, but i had an A- in the class. This despite the fact that I wasn't understanding anything and when i did sort of get a glimmer it disappeared almost immediately. The one test we had in the testing center I spent FOUR HOURS there mostly trying to remember anything. i thought I had flunked that test (i thought that every time) but I got an 88%. By the time we got our tests back the material was as inscrutable to me as if i had never seen it before. I cannot tell you how frustrating that was for me! I was in such misery and venting about that so much on FB I think it made my best friend fro high school , who I deeply love an admire drop me. ah well. It also caused my first love to offer to help me. I was very very ambivalent about this. I've written about him before. I've tried to end the small thread of connection we have on fb several times. I never quite make it. Anyway he has noooooooooo idea of his role in my life or my lifelong obsession which is apparently never ever going to go away, and he doesn't need to. I consider him the rock I crashed against and broke myself on, never ever to be whole again in this life. He moved on just fine from me. Obviously and very painfully to me. But who wants to learn that another person would have rather died than go on without them? And I have felt like that since I was 20. Having given it much thought I might have been able to heal, but it would have caused such changes in my most fundamental, intrinsic beliefs that I still wish I could have died. preferably before I was aware of how little I meant to him. But...I needed help with math and he might have been able to help me. He sent me his number and i called. It was highly unsuccessful as a math lesson. First. I was more interested in hearing anything I could about him and second, he was not really seeming to be prepared for how to teach me. I know he knows everything and more about math than I could ever wish to know, but it was not going well as a tutoring session. But I had to get off the phone when he started talking to me about my intrinsic worth. OMG! That i could not take. Not to hear about my intrinsic worth from someone who shed me like a snake sheds its too small skin or a teenager sheds last year's fashion in light of the new and better. I did find another tutor.... $20 an hour... and I missed a test thinking it was just a study day but managed to get a B+ in the class. Got A's in English... that was my favorite class. We did an "immersion paper" It was supposed to be a 10 page paper about a person you wanted to write about. My first thought was Tim DeChristopher but that would not have worked out as he is still not permitted to speak about the issues he was arrested for. So, I went looking for a wild horse activist. it was a very involved process for me. And it will continue. And of course I am missing having horses and just outraged at what ii happening with wild horses. I dream of a mare I met in the wild. She put her muzzle in my hand and it was one of the most touching things ever in my life. I ended up on tv as a "wild horse activist" which I am not yet, but intend to become. The paper was at 25 pages and I could easily have gone 50. But it had to be 10. I can;t say I am thrilled about the rules of school.
I also got an A in medical terminology. if I hadn't I would have had to quit. It was that easy. And an A in anatomy lecture which was a good deal harder. Only an A- in anatomy lab, and I am worried that that might keep me out of the nursing program. It is very competitive here. Don;t want to take it again. the cadavers are not my thing! And I think I would have to take lecture over again too which would SUCK!!!!! Ended up with a cumulative GPA of 3.77. Taking statistics (last required math class!) psychology, creative non fction writing an am wait listed for physiology and physiology lab. The teacher I want for physiology was my anatomy lecture teacher I think he will sign me in but it won;t matter if I can;t get a lab. Much more I was going to say but tuckered now so perhaps later.