New Years Day. My mom's birthday. I called her this morning but she was going out to breakfast with a friend (who has been one of those wonderful faithful lifetime friends and I so appreciate that!) My mom never got the pumpkin bread I sent her for Christmas. It was a puny gift, but it was what I could do and it makes me sad she didn't get it because I think I make good pumpkin bread. And homemade things are good.
I don't typically see the new year as a clean fresh slate. I think we just keep writing but I do see the demarcation of time as a good time to pause and consider WHAT I am writing.
What's on my mind today is something that sort of culminated yesterday. I have been a lazy critter on this school break. I have LOVED the time off and I have been so tired it feels like a chance to recharge, though it seems I am not exactly brimming with vim and vigor. School starts next Monday and I am a little in dread of the energy it is going to take. But yesterday I was listening to music and poking around on facebook and loving my dogs. I wasn't "reading" because the book I am listening to via Audible.com right now is Bloodlands and if you are aiming to be depressed and think poorly of your species, why I'd highly recommend it! It's a good thing to know history, and to be aware of human trends, but I am already disenchanted with my kind, I can only take that book in small doses.
I love facebook. I love seeing people from different parts of my life and feeling I am sort of keeping in touch. That said, I am not really close to most of the people on my facebook page. I like them and am interested in them but come and go as ye please, most of you. I noticed a post yesterday that made me feel, what can I say? Alarmed? Like it was a cry from a precipice. It was from a friend I had my CNA class with the first semester of school. We haven't had any subsequent classes together (though we almost had math last semester, she was in the class, but tested out and how she did THAT I am wildly curious to know, because she looked as confused and dismayed as I was in there. Her niece WAS in the class with me. Once she made me "haystacks" and once she made a beautiful color coded page of notes about logarithms which, sad to say, mattered not at all in my comprehension. But I really liked her niece just as I really like Merri. (I have a twinge of guilt there because that's her real first name. But she is SUCH a perfect "Merri" it's not really changeable.) The woman looks like an angel. She's not only physically pretty. she has a glow of spirit that makes her unforgettably beautiful. And she's funny too! She, shaking down a thermometer which i was too wimpy to do properly shook it so hard it BROKE and splatter whatever it is that fills glass thermometers nowadays all over my purse. We dissolved in laughter. Once she his the male part of one of our medical mannikins in my purse (I am noticing a purse theme here : ) ) When I finally came across it, I knew just who to thank and told her I appreciated the portability of her gift. WE dissolved in laughter. And she did voices when our instructor left, all kinds of weird funny accents reading that dry material. I think I liked Sexy Voice the best, though Blue Blooded English Matron was up there. She tried to get us too do accents too. Some of us did!. Once the girl actually sang spontaneously and operatically for us! In a humorous vein, but she can really sing. You can't help but like Merri, and getting to know her only deepens it. I learned a chunk of unexpected stuff once when she, another friend and I went to lunch at Camille's. You'd THINK, meeting Merri, that she lived a charmed life, but you'd be in error. Or at least i was. She has at least 5 kids. The last was an infant, they adopted him from an abusive situation. She currently works as a paramedic, and she has been accepted into the paramedic program at school. I think she wants to be a PA. Her dad has a degenerative condition that is affecting his mind and she LOVES her dad. Her husband has cancer! They are in the process of losing their house. That makes me just sick. Last semester she was posting about running marathons and you can always find a happy campy picture of Merri online. She just gives me a little glow of happiness for pluck and positive attitude. I knew she'd been sick. The whole family has been. And they have been trying to cope with moving. They had a very gloomy Christmas. When I saw a post saying she felt like she was in hell, though she was still trying to be funny and positive my heart just broke. She said they were out of food and I could just picture them, all sick on NY eve with nothing to eat. I messaged her and asked if i could at least bring some food over. It took her forever to give me her address. But I could hear she needed help. I HATE needing help. Usually I'd rather have whatever disaster will come instead of accepting it. I don;t know why I am like that. It's not a GOOD way to be. But I am. She did tell me her address though. And I went and got some food. I got enough that i am worried i may be overdrawn. And it was an unauthorized loan from Bruce which he is not too happy about even though i will pay him back when school money comes in. If I had had access to more money I would have bought more. I drove to where she lives, a goodly distance. It was freezing out there! I unloaded the bags on her front porch and on the last deposit I knocked and tried to make it to the car before she could answer. I didn't. She looked sick and sad and like a person whose light was just about to go out. She offered to give me money. No way could I have taken it. If I had money I would have it with her. When I got home she'd left me a note.She said when she'd seen what i did she went in her house and cried. She thought no way would i know how much they needed that (little bit of food) I did know though. And I know she needs more than what i can do. She said she knew I wasn't of the same religion as she and her family are (but I used to be actually) She thought it was Christlike. I don;t think God needs to come into it at ALL. If there is a God, God has left us here to do what we think is best. It doesn't take God to care about other people. I would have done the same thing for people I like a lot less than I like Merri! Though I did find myself hoping she would get the help she needs. In all the spectrum of her life. And that she knows she is worth it. I told her, before i left, that she is a Light. And she is. She looked at me like she didn;t believe it at all. I read some of the other comments on her post. The "I wish I could helps" I hope other people find ways they actually can help and I hope I become more sensitive to ways I can help. Bruce says he knows I just did what my heart said was right. He doesn;t like the sneakiness. I know he would have done the same thing.