well, won't be writing much because the music Bruce is listening to does not allow for concentration. Funny, when he s writing he gets so upset at any errant noise. Oh well.
anyway. midlife crisis? It doesn't feel so crisis-y. Feels more like a wish to make what time I have left in this life as meaningful, deep and true as i can. But what direction? I'm liking school, but not so sure nursing is what I want to do. Proceeding in that direction until I have a better idea though. I don't actually feel bad about not having a career type goal, that is my personality. I would never work at a regular job if I didn't need money. I might be impassioned about volunteering, I would certainly be making my own explorations. But this need I feel to reassess is not so much about career direction as it is about being true to my personal life. Which is a bit amusing because I can't remember ever feeling less sure that my (or anyone's) life has a purpose beyond what we choose to imbue it with, but I am feeling a pressing wish to know myself better and act in a way that is true to that knowledge.
I've held some strange ideas in my life. When I was a young child I was CERTAIN I was going to be present at "the end of the world" whatever that might actually mean. I don't know, but I don;t think that is a typical kind of thought pattern for a young child. The way the world is going I am remembering that certainty more and more often with a mix of amusement and dread. I am surely no survivalist, thought I would be grateful if i had sufficient skills to live off the grid and bow out of society for the most part. But the idea of surviving in a post apocalyptic world isn't really appealing to mean. I think I'd rather be shot than to shoot someone. Circumstances might show me different than what i think. I really hope not to have to explore that tangent.
And the closest thing I ever felt to a life purpose was clearly in error. I wasted a lot of time believing that idea. Removed a lot of opportunities from my life. Done is done but I have a tenuous future and I wish to live it as fully as possible. So I am trying to disentangle myself from old patterns and ideas and assumptions. I think I will go through a period of self scrutiny and more than usual noticing what I am doing, what i am thinking. I am hoping my actions change and that I feel freer in many respects. Free to take chances and to make mistakes and to interact meaningfully and deeply with other people. I have good relationships but there's not a current one that is as deep or intimate as what I would like to have given choice. I miss feeling really connected to another being. Not that i exactly know what I mean here. I am in a relationship with Bruce and I feel that could well last till the end of our lives, but either f us would admit that it is not as intimate as we would like and we have many good aspects, but cannot seem to connect to each other on the levels we would like to. I don't think I am meaning to create a, what would you say, soulmate ? relationship in this life. I am too muddy for that and would never do anything to hurt Bruce. On the other hand I do not feel "forever" in this relationship. I could be in error, we may deepen as I change. But we seem to have different ideas about time, about what happens after this life. And I have as long as I have known myself wished for a mutually desired permanent connection. That ideal may be fictional. I don't know. I am not sure that part is so important at the moment as polishing my life and living closer to the values i most deeply hold.
I need to learn, for instance, when to say yes and when and how to say no. Most people have better mastery of those skills than I do. I find myself really interesting in things like environment, food and water supply, ethical behavior between humans and other species in large and small groups. I feel a need to better care for my body and to learn to move. I have plenty of areas I I would like to focus my attention on. I want to be far less fearful and far less conventional than I am.
This is what I am thinking about now