She's Gonna Kill Me Off

Having survived the Onslaught of the Ants and feeling perky, my mom was hungry for breakfast. She wanted hotcakes so that's what I made. While I was preparing breakfast she took the opportunity to go to the bathroom. She won't use a walker or a wheelchair but she's quite fond of my old AT&T chairs (which ARE excellent chairs) Thing is, they are meant for limited distance scootching and she would use them for everything if she could I think. at a distance, they develop a Mr Toad's Wild Ride aspect. I got back in time to see there was a potential problem with her getting into the chair I had set up so she didn't eat breakfast in bed. I cleared a path that seemed logical to me, but it depended on her holding on to me and she seems to feel lessened if she has to do that. I tried to explain that I could see her wobbling (she agreed) and pointed out that I am sturdier than any of the furniture I could tell she was going to use to steady herself. She agreed. She then proceeded to do it her way which, as I feared, resulted in a fall, though better than I thought as she only went to her knees and did not bang her head too hard on the nightstand. I tried to help her up. she said she needed to sit there awhile. She wanted me to go get MY hotcakes. I told her I would only if she promised not to try to get up while I was gone. She promised and she kept it and I was able to help her into a chair. We talked yet again about the dangers of her falling, I mentioned hospitalization and pneumonia and possible death. She understood. She agreed. But she still tries to do things independently. Now. I try to put myself in her position. She has always been a very can-do person. Her mind is still there with only, as far as I can tell the irrational bits she's always had. She wants to be able to do things, but her body just can't. And she's opting for as much independence as she can squeeze out in favor of safety. It's been a good half hour since breakfast and I can still feel my blood circulating and that adrenaline feeling. I really do wonder which one of us is gonna die first. Last night she was asking if Bruce or I would take possession of her new little fridge. I mean, it's great for HER but for now we are both able and happy to be able to walk to the fridge in the kitchen. She said yesterday she wants to die in her sleep. I think she's willing herself to do it. She's grateful an mostly very cheerful and she's sweet an funny but I am worried as I can be. And I can't stop the end. I can only postpone it and try to make it be the least miserable it can be. Like....not being eaten alive by ants. She mentioned that this morning. Since she was so unresponsive I wondered if she could feel them. Oh yes, she could and she did.