Ok, so.... this is not really a public place and even if it was, why should I NOT be able to tell an experience of my life? Because my soon NOT to be boss doesn't want it voiced? Well I am not in any big forum but I am going to here. My boss called me today, an hour before I was to be at work and told me (on the day after I turned rather unjoyously 56 ) that my last day is Tuesday from my $10 an hour job. But, hey! I'm eligible for unemployment!!! I am a throwaway person. I feel so deeply SAD I don't even know how to get through this at all. I di call my mom and tell her that this would be an excellent time for me to go help her

wow. as of next Wednesday I am unemployed. Can't say more now.

I groomed a little schnauzer the day before yesterday. Maggie. When she first started coming she was very fearful and she would bite, but she was also very sweet. Over time, she has become more trusting though she is still fearful. I really like this dog and I like her owner. Grooming at home, I can take my time and I do. It usually takes me about 3 hours to groom a dog. Maggie was done in about 2 and a half hours and I was very pleased with how pretty she looked. And with the enjoyable time. She did resist on her feet and legs but she was good on her face which is why I was so surprised to get a text from her "mom" yesterday saying she was at the vet with Maggie and Maggie has a huge ulcer in her eye that the vet says was caused by clippers. I take lots of pictures after a groom is done and she is not squinting or tearing. She never yipped or anything like that. I told her I scissored close to her eyes. I could not imagine how or when this could have happened. I asked if it could be a reaction to shampoo and she said her vet said it would have been different if shampoo or hair, that this was a puncture. She said Maggie might go blind in the eye. I am heartsick. I offered to pay the vet bill (the owner says she wouldn't let me but if I hurt her I feel responsible to do what I can) Ive asked her to let me know how Maggie is doing and she will. Grooming dogs can be so satisfying but in times like this I never want to risk the possibility of hurting one. There are many dogs who are definitely a danger to groom, they fight and jump around. It is not like a human going for a haircut. Maggie is on my mind today.

And today I turned 56. No other birthday has affected me the way this one us affecting me. I feel disbelief and dismay. I am nearly 60! How did that happen? My mom called and it was nice to talk to her. Every time I do talk to her though, it makes me want to drop everything and go to California to help her as best i can. She lost her tv remote control and her cable company sent her a replacement (for $10) but it is the wrong one and so she's been without tv. I told her I think she can get a universal remote at a grocery store (not that i know anything about it really) but tv is her only entertainment. She also said her tv has lost it's color. I wondered if maybe it's her eyes but she said the tvs downstairs have color. I told her I think she should go get a new tv. We chatted on a variety of subjects until,her phone died. I will call her later. I need to mail her some recipes she wants. I have them all ready to go. Just trying to get out the door to go to the post office. I haven't had breakfast yet, not even my warm lemon honey ginger water and I'm hungry. It would be nice to go to brunch with a friend but then again I am thinking of making the chicken salad recipe I am sending my mom to test it. I recreated it from memory. I've had lots of greetings from friends which I appreciate very much, Bruce came in to the bedroom at midnight to give me a kiss and a card (Glinda- he sees me as Glinda ) He said a bunch of sweet stuff and just made me feel special. I am breaking in the new squishy pillow he gave me (they get more squishy with use) I am very grateful for Bruce. Today I hope to cut back the roses- it's already getting warmer here and make sure the sales tax thing is right and a fe other chor things. Otherwise i think I will just read today.

My mom called yesterday, just to talk. We were on the phone I think for about 45 minutes, chatting about this and that, but in the course of the conversation she said a few things totally casually that blew me away. I really did not need to have a lower opinion of my father, but now I do. And one thing that amazes me is that she still thinks he was a good man and she still loves him. Now, I fall short in the Unconditional Love Arena. I know this. But her example tears me in two ways. one is an admiration for her ability to love apparently regardless of the circumstances. I think there's something very pure in that but the other half wants to SCREAM at her "ARE YOU BUGFUCK CRAZY????!!!!" These are some for instances from yesterday's conversation. A story I had heard was that they both worked for North American Rockwell. I heard that my father pulled my father's employee picture off the board and after a passage of time I know nothing about, they ended up married. The picture was in his wallet when he died. I am unsure of timeframes here but I THINK they married (eloped to Las Vegas) when my father was 30 and my mother was 23. They married on the 4th of July. If this is correct and I was born February 9th then I was the probable reason for the marriage. She said something in the conversation yesterday about feeling she had to do extra to "make up" for the fact that she wasn't working. First of all, she did way beyond any reasonable expectation, but I also reminded her, "You told me that he said, when you were pregnant with David, that if you continued to work after the baby was born he would divorce you." She then casually said, "I had no choice. He was my supervisor and he terminated me." Just WOW. My father was a lusty sort. In addition to my mother and a predilection for girl children, he apparently had a rather playboy existence. My mother let drop that he had her buy Hershey's kisses- for him to eat with another woman at the office. And either that one or another wanted him to take her to Palm Springs. But this is nothing as honest as polyamory. this was just flat out cheating in my view with my mother as his slave and never a valued person either. There was more in this conversation of yesterday but i am still chewing on this stuff. If I have a poor attitude about men, it is well warranted through generations of men in my family.

Talked to my mom. It is so frustrating and my heart goes out to her. I'm going to send her most of my dog grooming money. I asked her not to give it to Corey. I don't know if she will do that or not. She says she won't. She's still "not ready" for me to go down there. "Yet" she said. So maybe soon.

Only us...... We have had a mouse problem. It tapered off and we thought they were, if not gone, at least not interacting on a level we can't stand (ie in our pantry, our drawers) We suspected there were some in a cabinet. Anyway, they returned to the pantry which cannot be tolerated. Last year, catch and release seemed to do well. We used non lethal traps, no glue or anything like that either. The commercial mouse catcher we bought at more expense than we liked gathered NO mice. Not one. but Bruce's own contraption of a medium sized plastic trash can with a paper towel tube baited with peanut butter poised above it yielded good results. Bruce did read that mice removed from their nest usually die and that made us sad because we really do not want to kill living beings. But we did want them out of the house and we figured at least they had a chance. The last mouse I evicted, I took so far away (I usually drop them off in a field in Ivins) this time I took the mouse way past Kayenta. (I was driving Bruce's car to charge the battery) Anyway, that mouse was so cute and I felt bad when I took him, worse than usual. And when it became very cold a few days later I felt very guilty. So... the other day a mouse apparently jumped into the trash can without the lure of the bait. The bait tube hadn't moved. We were astonished. More so when two more did the same! So....three baby mice in the can. I could not bring myself to take them to a field knowing they were going to die. What did we do? Bruce (who had apparently been considering this for awhile) suggested a habitrail he'd seen on ebay. So, having discussed it with me we agreed to fork out $40 for the cage (complete with wheel) and some bedding material. I still plan to rehome them to a field when it warms up, but this could be the winter solution. Only us....

talked to my mom this morning. It was depressing. She knew it was depressing. Nothing more has happened that she wants to happen. She realizes she is too old to do the work she wants done. She tried to get Corey to start helping her clean the garage out. What did Corey do? He painted her mailbox. Brown. I again offered to go down there. She says she thinks it wouldn't be fair to me. One and only mother. I am so frustrated