My thoughts today have been like a river; some quiet eddies, some tumultuous racing swifts, but there has been a theme to the thoughts and that is, "What do I value?".
I know I value certain key relationships in my life. I truly hope those people know who they are. This includes the animals in my life, who are very important to me.
I value the fact that I am approachable to people and people are willing to confide in me. If I have a "purpose" in life I think it may just be to be a friend.
I value that my mind is fairly open and my heart is fairly soft.
I value my computer and the connections it allows me to make to the world.
I value beauty and learning.
I value freedom to be myself.
I value free time.
I was thinking about how I can modify my life to live closer to my values. Not many concrete plans came to mind for this, but I think it's important just to consider the idea and to be aware of how I feel about the activities I engage in.
Bruce came to talk to me this afternoon. For the past 16 months he has been very keenly desirous of a truer path. He wants to know and live by what is lasting and meaningful in life. He is doing things that are really working well for him. Today, he said he feels a need to be more silent and still, and that he wanted me to know what is going on. I support his needs in this.
He said he still needs to act in the world and do what it takes to make a living. I felt a twinge of guilt there because right now I know I am a millstone. Yesterday he said he is willing to try to support us, and that really meant a lot to me. But that would be difficult and maybe not even possible. I do feel very broken and burnt out at the moment. I am sick nearly every day, sometimes for big portions of the day. And I am very tired. But today's trip just to the grocery store tells me I better find a way to make a financial contribution to our home, like it or not.
So, what am I good at that will be of value to others enough that I can do this?
That's likely going to be the subject of my thoughts for awhile.