I am really tired. Have only slept a tiny bit for the past three days. Yesterday (was it yesterday?) i was disgusted to find myself leaking tears and of course I wrote that on facebook because I write almost everything there. And to my surprise it had a response that was kind and compassionate, but it was from the person causing me to be sleepless. Now, being tired I should have been silent but was I? No. I basically alluded to hm being the reason for my sleeplessness which I did not explain and which of course when reading it sounds quite snippy which was not my intention but only to say it is dangerous territory (at least for me) and possibly destructive. I don;t BLAME him for my feelings, but if those feelings have not changed in all this time I really don;t see that they will and why come off sounding like a nut job. Worse is the recognition that I probably am a nut job if really only in regard to this situation. so...I am so tired, but I feel like I owe an apology or an explanation which puts me right in the position of talking about it that strikes me as quicksand. I think it may be kinder to seem rude and unappreciative of the overture which I am not, but better leave it seeming that way than try to explain what my POV is. Anyway, the bad feeling may keep me awake still. I don;t now but I sure hope not because I am getting erratic due to lack of sleep

All of my energy goes in one direction. I cannot for the life of me understand that or what to do about it, my usual response is to act like i ignore it, which is ridiculous but I do not see the value in doing anything else. It makes me feel like I am a marlin fighting on a hook for YEARS. I do not understand. i do not know what to do. What good is this?

one of those days.

I seem to be in a period of trying out new and different. And I am loving it! The poem I posted was from one part of one day on my first ever trip to Catalina (and Environmental Science lab, cracks me up) But omg it was fun. It was fun even though my creaky falling apart body couldn't DO everything. I did go kayaking, also for the first time! LOVED it! I have a date locally to go not-this-Sunday,-but-next with one friend and unscheduled plans to go with another friend.

Yesterday was another first. There is a performance component to my Poetry class and yesterday, for the first time in my memory I "performed" a poem. Outside. with people watching. And wind blowing and a very rude fountain that kept trying to swallow my words. With a microphone that I need some intimate time with if we are ever going to appear in public again, which we are. My classmates, wow, some of them are wonderful! I sucked but it was still sort of fun and I am looking forward to trying more new things.

Back to the ES trip (I slept on the Queen Mary! I also accidentally groped my roommate in the middle of the night because I navigated in the dark to the wrong bed but even that was funny) I saw dolphins and sea lions and garibaldi and bald eagles and a red tail hawk. I touched sharks and rays and all manner of invertebrates!

Did you know that there are laser pointers so powerful they will pinpoint stars in the sky and can possibly disrupt overflying aircraft?

I also found new music, Flight of the Concords which made me smile.

Night Boat

Old pier wood creaked and groaned as we amble-danced in the yellow  circles cast by our flashlights- pale reflection of the glittering, pure-bright  scintillations gleaming above in softened obsidian sky. The chug-purring launch bounced softly in the current. We streamed in  took a seat along the sides.  In quickened laugh-talk,  anticipatory, we jabbered our way into open water. Lanterns illumed the sea on either side of our craft, luring a lambent chum of glowing plankton,  drawn like watery moths-  A silver shape sliced an angle across the water! Then more,  schools of silvery squid slashing the borders of light, quick sentient missiles. “Shhh,” Preston, our leader, shhh’d us “I heard a sea lion over there” As she said it, I heard the sharp blow of expelled breath. Subdued, we waited. “Look! …There!” Something gray broke the water Then rocketing, rolling  toward us, unbelievably fast snatched a squid and sped into the dark. It must have dove deep, the other side of the boat never saw it.

I got a good, close look- the barreling body rolling joyously in the hunt It came again! Then again! We were all standing, straining to see. Reluctantly, I yielded my place to a person  from the other side and then, suddenly, there were three! They streaked beneath us repeatedly till the captain finally doused the light and steered us pier side. And, after- After the lab where we squinted over fresh plankton slides watching microscopic monsters devour each other, I thought of those playful, happy sea lion faces, how they moved so freely, orienting themselves Independent of gravity it seemed. How they live without pockets  or oppressive politics. I was glad I got to see them Before Fukushima radiation spread across the sea- Our unreturnable gift to them.