- I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Why don't I just go visit my mom some friends are asking. I am asking myself that too. On one hand I would like to see her, but she is aware that I would like to drag her out of her house (which would probably not be hard to do legally, even though I don't think she is actually in dementia) She is just stubbornly insisting she can impose her will and her work ethic on a situation that is clearly going to take more than the will and work ethic of a frail 79 year old woman who has multople challenges afflicting her. By that I mean family. I mean my (cough) sister in law and my youngest nephew. both of whom she has restraining orders against and yet both of whom enter her house and steal things and store junk there. And even the oldest of my surviving nephews who lives with (off) her and is supposed to help her. I feel no connection to these relatives an while the boys clearly had a terrible upbringing that would handicap any person from being a decent human being, and probably that can also be said of their mother my empathy is far removed from them. I see them as waiting for her to die so they can ransack her house. I want nothing whatsoever to do with them. I don't want to see them or interact with them. My mom knows this. I think she worries about what will become of the "boys" (men in their mid to latte 20s who, as far as I know have never held a job more complex than being concessionaires at Angel Stadium. From which I think they were both fired. Again, they had terrible raising an my family is deeply deeply dysfunctional so I really try to not be judgmental and to respect my mother's evident wish to support at least the older of the two, the one who lives with her. But I don't want to see them. And truly, my wish is to get her the hell out of that house. But she sees it as a place that has good memories. How that can be i cannot fathom, but she does though she admits it is too big for her and it is very dilapidated in a pretty affluent neighborhood. Her neighbors must flat out hate her. She doesn't have the means to fix it up unless she were to, as I suggested, find a realtor who could invest money to renovate it and sell it, then recouping their investment as well as the realtor fees. A friend of mine kidnapped her mother (who threatened to commit suicide if she were removed from her house) That situation was on par with my mother's. But no my friend's mother is happy and in assisted living. I told my mom about this and she was sly enough to threaten suicide if I attempted to remove her from her house.... The one and only time she has ever spoken to, much less met Bruce on the phone in the 12 years we have lived together was to try to get him to persuade me to "back off" And I can see her point. Her whole life she feels she has been controlled by someone. As the middle child she is a textbook case of all the negative associations of being put into positions her older sister, the princess and her younger brother, the baby King were never put in. She is bitter. And my mom can hold a grudge. And then she married my father who was demonically controlling and if he exists as an entity that can recognize me I beam my contempt at him. So I hardly feel that i have a right, even if it is well intentioned to take control of her life away from her. I remember Bruce telling me that people die all the time in Bombay in worse conditions. (he supposes- I suggested that he go with me to visit her. He was not amenable to that idea) And at her age i have to actually question my motives. I know I would like my mom to be happier and less stressed and be able to do some things that I think she wants to do. I want her to eat a proper diet, one she knows would help her live healthier and which she is not currently getting. But my mom owns the house I live in and I wonder to what degree i am colored by the desire to inherit. I make $10 an hour. I have no savings and I own nothing of any real value. But I do not want to attempt to control my mother as to her assets either. I once tried to talk to her about what provisions she wants to make for the boys (because if she DOES leave her "estate" to me I can't imagine that I would do anything for them. But she evaded the topic. A my level of income I cannot just freely travel. I work 6 or 7 days a week currently and besidess taking the time off there are the expenses of staying at a hotel or someplace and then trying to do what my mom needs or wants to do while i am there. If she is not wanting me to go there then it is a waste of time energy and money that I cannot be wasteful with. I told her I am very flexible about coming if she wants me an that i will do anything I can to help her and try to avoid forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to, but this is really really stressful for me. I feel she could be someplace clean and wher she could have friends over if she wanted to and get her hair done and and and and she chooses to stay in what I see as the pit of Hell. So I have said all this but I am still thinking of going down there for at least a few days.