Last night Bruce and I were in bed watching Lost when I had a very intense dizzy spell. It was so sharp and physically affecting I wondered if I was having a stroke or something. While it was happeing I had such a mix of fear and exhilaration. When it subsided I quickly looked up stroke symptoms, it seemed that wasn't what had happened. I was very tired and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep but before I did I felt myself , a better version of myself, sitting by a beautiful stream, light dancing in sparkles on the water and complex currents running musically. It was very beautiful and I had the sense that that was where I was "supposed" to be. It was as if all the petty, greedy, commercial aspects of the world were something i had left behind and that where I was now was Reality. It was nice!

Called my mom. told her I made the chicken salad and it came out pretty well. We talked about me going down, but of course I told her I need to know what is happening with Bruce. He did call to make an appointment, but of course he called while they are at lunch. Guess I'd better go to work.

I barely slept last night. Bruce was up at about 7 but he hasn't made an appointment. He went back to lay down. Says he doesn't feel well. I can only imagine. I am going to try not to nag, push or  pretend i have any idea what's best for him but to be as supportive as I can.

Last night I paid $5.14 for a package of celery!!!! Granted it is organic but that is still so much! I forgot to get green onions and I have a plan to make the chicken salad today and let my mom know how the recipe came out so i suppose I should get cracking on that.

I am pretty overwhelmed right now. If Bruce actually has cancer and it is serious what do I do? I feel I should go help my mom, but I will be here for Bruce. Since we had no idea about the possibility of melanoma he is not at a stage where he is feeling it, or better to say, knew that that might be what he's feeling. He's been feeling poorly for months. I figure it would take probably a good three months at my mom's at a minimum, and then to implement whatever she wants to do as far as a place to live. I told her the other night that I think it will cost at least $200,000 to renovate her house. She had an estimate for one bathroom for $25K. Meanwhile she's in the same unhappy state with the "family" there. Bruce says if I go I have to take the dogs. I CAN'T take the dogs. Jetty Lee would probably kill her little Toby.

I'm not feeling so well myself. It wouldn't surprise me if I died before Bruce even if he does have melanoma. And, when it comes down to it, if I can help him and my mom I'll be satisfied to leave this life. As I type this another part of me wants to take a road trip and try to revive a sense of joy, but no money for that. I feel pain and lack. And the pain of people i love is (surprisingly, because i can be selfish) worse than my own maladies.

Bruce and I are taking a quiet day. I am going to work (I think) from 3-9, but if not, that's fine too. Melanoma has not been diagnosed but both of us think he has it. If not, we will probably laugh giddily and maybe make some changes. But with the one on his back and several others on his head we think it's melanoma. What's weird is that melanoma was never a disease I thought of for Bruce. I could think of a lot of physical troubles that would be crowding the line in his life. Melanoma was never on my radar for him. It has always been for ME, because I have a jillion moles and I am pretty fair skinned. I was in the sun a LOT because we always had a pool as I was growing up and twice I sunburned to blisters. But I never thought of it for Bruce. He's been feeling very crappy and for a long time too. Since last night, he's been in turmoil. Who wouldn't be faced with a strong possibility of cancer? He doesn't want to be a burden. He won't be a burden. or maybe he will but not an unwelcome burden. He deserves to be cared for when it isn't easy. There have been a couple times when he has cried. I hugged him once and tried to give him some privacy another time. I'd probably be doing the same thing. But suddenly my priorities are very clear. Bruce and my mom. How we make it will be an adventure an a mystery.

I did look. Several similar spots on his head.

Bruce says he has other thins on his head that feel raised. He asked me to look through his hair. I am afraid to see. But I will look in the morning.

Y'know I thought it was a bad day when I went to work and saw a big note that we wouldn't be paid until NEXT Friday (payday was supposed to be yesterday) I wonder if that is even legal and I have concerns about whether I will be paid at all if you want to know the truth. When my boss called I asked her why we weren't paid. Basically, because it's more convenient for her to make one more check instead of 2. WTF? I told her that was very arbitrary. Things could have gotten very ugly because I had an urge to tell her what I really think. But I thought, it's only a few more days and it doesn'tt matter that much. She called me back to tell me if I was short she would write ME a check. I let that go too. Later my friend and manager called to "see if I was ok" and to tell me I sounded unstable and easily roiled over what she considers, apparently as unimportant things. She reminded me that my boss is my BOSS as if I don' have a right to question or object to anything. I was thinking the word "boss" implies being paid. I had a whole lot more that I didn't say. Anyway... I keep telling myself just a few more days.
After work I went to the store and spent $75 of my last $100 in the bank. I have some cash here if Maggie's "mom" wanted me to pay the vet bill which was only $68. I'd pay that and a followup if she wanted but she won't take the money. I am happy to heat Maggie seems to be healing and can see. I was feeling appreciative of Bruce and went to scratch his back. To do this I had to breach the thermal shirt he wears all winter. I felt something that did not feel good at all, and persuading him to let me lift the shirt I saw what looks like a melanoma. I was so concerned I took a picture to show him. He pooh poohed it, but the thing has all the signs. Bruce and I both have a fatalistic streak, but I asked him to please read up. He has agreed to make a Dr appointment on Monday. I hope they can get him in on Monday. I really think this is a melanoma and it is bigger than a quarter inch. That put into perspective how bad the day really wasn't. He's agreed to to to the Dr but he says if it is melanoma and if it has metastasized and is terminal he will go someplace because he doesn't want to be a burden. OMG!!!!