I barely slept last night. Bruce was up at about 7 but he hasn't made an appointment. He went back to lay down. Says he doesn't feel well. I can only imagine. I am going to try not to nag, push or  pretend i have any idea what's best for him but to be as supportive as I can.

Last night I paid $5.14 for a package of celery!!!! Granted it is organic but that is still so much! I forgot to get green onions and I have a plan to make the chicken salad today and let my mom know how the recipe came out so i suppose I should get cracking on that.

I am pretty overwhelmed right now. If Bruce actually has cancer and it is serious what do I do? I feel I should go help my mom, but I will be here for Bruce. Since we had no idea about the possibility of melanoma he is not at a stage where he is feeling it, or better to say, knew that that might be what he's feeling. He's been feeling poorly for months. I figure it would take probably a good three months at my mom's at a minimum, and then to implement whatever she wants to do as far as a place to live. I told her the other night that I think it will cost at least $200,000 to renovate her house. She had an estimate for one bathroom for $25K. Meanwhile she's in the same unhappy state with the "family" there. Bruce says if I go I have to take the dogs. I CAN'T take the dogs. Jetty Lee would probably kill her little Toby.

I'm not feeling so well myself. It wouldn't surprise me if I died before Bruce even if he does have melanoma. And, when it comes down to it, if I can help him and my mom I'll be satisfied to leave this life. As I type this another part of me wants to take a road trip and try to revive a sense of joy, but no money for that. I feel pain and lack. And the pain of people i love is (surprisingly, because i can be selfish) worse than my own maladies.