Last night was not a good one for me, and I am exhausted now and have to be at work at 8. I work for a company that shuttles people mostly between Las Vegas and St George and as you may or may not know, a good section of I-15 was washed out in a recent monsoonal rain. I know that some shuttles were cancelled and i know that there's now a work around, but what the time frames are on the work around I do not know. Then, I got a text from a co-worker saying one of the drivers quit yesterday and that I should keep the door locked. OMG...I can just imagine the circumstances. And, being me, I DID imagine the circumstances (at least as I think they are) And then I imagined what might have been going through Ben's mind as he donned a bullet proof vest and a blonde wig and went and robbed a bank and took those hostages and shot at police cars and was finally gunned down. I wondered how long it took him to die and how many times he was hit and if those were head shots and I imagined his body cooling and stiffening as the people who genuinely love him learned all this terrible stuff. I imagined his sons, especially Hunter.
I didn't have to imagine my friend Rebecca, her pain over this screams out. Sometimes I feel something akin to bereft being as swaddled as I am, I experience emotions but not as raw and immediately as she does. I cannot tell you when the last time I cried like Rebecca did for Ben or as she has for other reasons was. i know i have but I shut that down. That's my damage. Rebecca also told me a young relative committed suicide last Tuesday. I really don't know how, being as deeply affected as she is, I don't know how she gets up and faces each day. And has such a cheerful nature. When I think of her life i am pretty sure I would not survive it. I am grateful, mostly for her but also in general that I haven't seen a lot of really nasty, judgmental and hateful feedback about Ben. It is hard to believe what he did, but overall people commenting on threads i have read have remembered he was a human. That does not discount the terror he probably engendered in those hostages or anything that he did, but it does remember that this was a person who had a lot of love in and for him.
After that, I slipped for a time into my own private cycle of insanity, but I was grateful that that mostly affects only me (unless by mood I lash out at others) And that cycle does not seek harm to anyone and it HAS taught me deeply the wrongness and futility of trying to control anyone but myself.
In short, I am tired and not looking forward to the day.