The day after I dream of my friend Jaime, I learn he is in the hospital and is unresponsive. Do I believe he really visited me? I do. Jaime ends up in the hospital a lot and they are often long stays. He's paraplegic. He is funny, smart, unusual, loves his family and has had a lot of pain in his life. I honestly don't know what to wish for him here. I really do believe we are spiritual beings that continue after this life. Jaime and I were once discussing suicide and he admitted he has been tempted. Besides landing in wheelchair when he was about 20 and all the attendant indignities associated with that he was raised LDS, believed it intensely and then had to deal with the ideas and behaviors imposed on him when he realized then came to grips with being a gay man. He has been through a lot. He told me that he would not commit suicide because of his belief that if you take that way out of life you will have to come back to the same lessons and he for sure doesn't want to do that. His take tempers me in my suicidal moments. I have them. I was thinking about them from several perspectives the other day. One was from the position of financial insecurity. On the last financial planning meeting my mom spoke privately with the lawyer. She instructed him to take the house our of the trust which means I would never own it though she intends Bruce and I to be able to live there till we die. She had asked me what I would do with the house after I died. I told her I would leave it to Bruce if he didn't die first and then if he did I would direct it to a person who would not be expecting it. I gave her a little of the story of who and why but she was rather horrified. She had the idea of leaving the money from it's sale to the LDS church and the Humane Society. I told her that if it were in my hands I would never do that. Never ever ever. I'd rather it benefit a person. So, she took the choice out of my hands. When I learned this I told her I was very scared. I told her I have not made good financial choices and she understood my pov. I gave her more of that story. I also said that though it seems there is a significant amount of money in the trust, which would come to me, I could foresee not being able to afford to live in this house and that if I couldn't sell it that would be a big problem. I don't know what she will do but I have expressed myself and I've been honest. I will care for her to the best of my ability no matter what she does but I did say I'd like to know so that I can make decisions that are the best for Bruce and me. I pointed out that if we are spending significant money from the trust to fix up the house that I am less inclined to do that if I can't access that money by selling the house if need be. But really, I am feeling pretty mortal these days and I don't know how much longer I will be around. I'm trying to take a don't worry, be happy approach. I keep on running into some longstanding problems though. Often they are generated by the simplest acts. I like to listen to books as I groom or when I can't sleep. One author I enjoy is Lisa See. I recently finished her new book The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane and that left me with a taste for more. Some of her books I have liked a lot more than others. I started Peony in Love and was initially disappointed. Had I not been grooming I might have stopped the book and started something else but there s a rhythm to grooming and I listened on. I came to respect and care about the main character Peony who finds herself a Hungry Ghost. She explores the nature of that place honestly and with the intention of changing that state f she can find a way. The book explores different types of love, the things people in certain relationships owe to one another, spirituality and roles we play from birth and circumstance. The book ended ip being more personally relevant to me than I thought it would. I am very disheartened at the way I see the world going and the destructive, stupid choices I see people in my culture making. that sometimes includes me. I could be a lot more gentle and aware of the earth, the nets of beings who inhabit it and other people.  If I had children I think I would be wild with concern for how they will live. But, we may ourselves come back to this sphere. Even if we don't I cannot overcome my strong conviction thaat we are doing WRONG by the earth. Change is hard, but I try to make changes. Not sure how effective I am , but trying counts for something. And now, I am exploring my own Hungry Ghost tendencies. And I am thinking much of friends and famiy.