April 26,2017

This morning the Tiny Tyrant (Toby) had me up before 4 am. My mom was trying to silence him but I really don't want her to do that. Today he did indeed poop and pee when I took him out but even if he hadn't, I figure better safe than sorry. I've had to change the whole bed. It's not fun. I'd rather get up. She didn't look like she was feeling well yesterday and she still didn't today. She tells me she is fine, and she tells Bruce she and Toby have had a cold. I'm pretty worried about the amount of time she spends in bed, but on the other hand, it's her choice. I try to encourage her to get up and out.

I had an appointment with the CPA today at 10 am so I made early breakfast and got a much needed shower. This is the first time in my life my taxes have ever been late. I usually do them myself, but I had to import a lot of transactions from the bank and couldn't remember how to do it and I am completely fried. I wonder how much this is going to cost and I worry about penalties. I hate being late.  My days are too long and there's not enough time to rest and hardly any personal time. I've been walking around a hairsbreadth from anger and even explosion. I'm doing my best and I wonder if it is sufficient. Bruce and I are clashing more, he says I have expectations and that I don't communicate effectively. I say he lacks empathy. I'm trying to curb my negative feelings and behavior. I hope I can. He's somewhat angry at me for giving the landscaper my actual budgetary lines. He feels the price went up significantly as soon as I did that. I feel I want the job to be done at a certain level of quality and that it is reasonable to pay for that and pay fairly. In most of the work I am letting, or having Bruce deal with the people doing the work and he's doing an excellent job in many ways, better than I would. But in some ways he's making me crazy. Take the roofers. They asked for 60% down to purchase materials. They explained why they needed that much. Bruce has given them NOTHING and we haven't heard from them in awhile. He says I shouldn't be so anxious to part with money, but I want to get projects done. The landscaper, who finally submitted what I feel is a gorgeous plan for the backyard after I pushed him is now being evasive as to what exact date he can start. he answers "soon" and what amount of money he needs to start. He says he needs "something" down to pay for materials and labor. "Something" is not, in my opinion, a workable figure. I really like him and I like his work and I like the people he has assist, but I am getting tired of a lack of progress.

While my mom and I were having breakfast the other day, she asked about her old house. I've been checking to see if there are new pictures up. The one that WAS up made me physically ill to see. I never did like that house, but the condition it came to be in and the morass of horrible events and emotions just stupefied me. The buyer had promised to send pictures but he didn't. However the house was on Zillow and so I showed her. I was glad to see it looking much better than it was but they did a very stock job imo. Anyway, many friends on Facebook had been following the saga and I posted the Zillow information. To me, it was healing and I hoped the neighborhood and the house itself would be happier. Mostly I got positive comments but I found the Ghost still can hurt me. I'm sure not intentionally, but this person caused e the worst pain I will feel in this life and I will never get over it. My impulse was to spew a lot. I decided not to. Trying to let it go but OMFG. Besides the dynamics of that particular relationship I thought a lot about men. Men in my life and in the lives of others. They are, (I'm sorry if you're a man) incredibly privileged and see things in terms of their needs and desires at the expense of women. I could list examples all day. If we do reincarnate and I have any choice in the matter I do NOT want to be a man but I hope I''m a lesbian.

Well Toby is barking and I'm going to take him out. Ten I am going to rest awhile.