About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Sometime in the middle of last night, Jetty Lee jumped up on the bed. The way she does this always makes me smile, it is so Jetty Lee. She sits about arms length away, and there is something both vulnerable and demanding in her position. I can never really tell if she is coming for MY benefit or hers. I will reach out and start to pet her and talk to her and if the quality of this time passes her muster she will flop against me and submit to a thorough petting. Sometimes she gives me her delicate little kisses. I can feel a sweet simple flow of energy between us and we both relax and enjoy these moments of simple communion through touch. I am a lover of touch. I think we live in a touch starved world, or at least a touch starved society. After a while Jetty Lee with either move to the end of the bed or leave the room to see what else is happening in the house. And I go back to my cycles of fitful sleep. I've watched several movies lately that have me thinking of how women are viewed in society, and what my own attitudes are. I was really viscerally irked the other day to see a simple "like" on a facebook post for a feminist cause only because the person who liked it was my first love. Now... I have to say that when we added each other to facebook the very first thing he did was to apologize. I stopped him before he could say exactly what he was apologizing for and went another step in saying he had nothing to apologize for, but that was not exactly what I meant. What i meant was that I believe he made the true choice of his heart to excise me from his life and so there is nothing to apologize for in doing what you really want to do. That was very painful to me, I can't image any other pain in my life approaching that because my truest feeling toward him was that this is the most important person you will ever meet in your life and much as I wish to amend that since it certainly didn't work out for me, I can't do it. It is the weirdest thing. I damaged myself badly in that relationship. Notice I do not say HE damaged me, I am aware that I did it to myself but still, I have never experienced anything colder or more affectingly dishonest than the end of that relationship and I do have residual bad feelings from that. So, when I see these pro-feminists stances, I think, "Oh, that is not how I remember it!" But people do change, so then I am left putting myself down for the bad feelings. It's predictably, funny sad and so acutely FRESH each time. I guess it is going to happen "forever" It happens even when I do not see any trace of him, and i barely do. But what I mean to write here is more of an exploration of how people treat each other and how I wish we would. Bruce and i watched a documentary this morning called "I Am" and it was meaningful to me in that it was probing the way our culture competes and uses and we think we are doing something good in the world but perhaps we are not. That is much simplified. If you are interested stream the documentary on Netflix. I am also reading "Moral Tribes" and again I find it very worthwhile and very clear in expressing ideas we don't often talk about. This summer, I have just been taking it very easy. I am reading and napping and trying to be more mindful in the things that I do and what I notice. One thing I am doing is trying to cook for Bruce so that he feels love in it as he used to in his mom's cooking. In many ways I am NOT mindful but I am glad that I want to be. I am enjoying being able to just notice things and people and enjoying being able to help when I can. I was so grateful that Bruce loaned me his car so I could loan mine to my friend. I detailed his car (not with professional results I must say, but still it's lots better) I bought him a t-shirt i think he will like and can't wait for it to get here. I may have accepted a diminished view of myself from things that happened long ago but I am trying to expand into whatever abilities and expressions of love that I can. I want Bruce to know that I am grateful for the years we have shared. It is not the deepest, most intimate or most passionate of relationships but we do nurture, support and love one another and that is meaningful to me.

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