I feel completely overwhelmed, depleted and so deficient in what I can do. I'm normally I pretty restless sleeper, waking many times in a night. And I often reach for my phone when probably I should reach for my vibrator. Last night I reached for the phone and saw a late night message from a friend. It said. "I need your prayers for _______. He is in the desert with a gun and is very suicidal." This is from a friend who has been affected by many suicides in the recent past. It is from a friend that I wonder how she makes it through HER days. I absolutely love her pure heart, the effort she puts into trying and her goodness. I have to say though, I am not much a one for prayer. I used to pray. But now it is like, "To who?" And "why?" if there is a God who cares about individuals and is omniscient and omnipotent wouldn't that God know the needs of every one of us? What could my little petition on someone's behalf possibly matter? Then with a terrible fascination I found myself not only considering how my prayers could help and to whom or what I would even address them but I found myself thinking about this person and what I knew about him which is not much. For awhile, he worked at our house doing pretty heavy work and at the beginning he worked extremely hard. We could only afford to pay him $10 an hour and what he was doing was worth more than that so we gave him many things also, to try to make it worth his while. Suddenly without warning he simply fizzled. It would have been nice we thought if he had told us he couldn't finish, but oh well.
These are some of the other things that crossed my mind:
He has been in jail (lots of good people have been in jail)
He has children, including a Down's Syndrome son about 20
He was engaged to my friend's sister who he had lived with for several years, but as SOON as they got engaged he dumped her to go back to a previous girlfriend (you can't help who you love maybe. or if you love more than one person, but you can be more ethical)
He was caring for a very disabled old man (one who helped prosecute Charles Manson) and he physically harmed this guy after which he left them without care (my friend tried to fill that gap)
Anyway, my thoughts were going on like that and I finally asked myself, "What the HELL???!!! Your FRIEND asked you for help for someone she cares about just prayers and are you seriously trying to determine if he is worth helping? What kind of person ARE you?
I then considered, what if he really was so miserable that he wanted to die? Do I have a right, even in wishing, to try to override someone's will for their existence?
I thought of my friend. She is one of the sweetest, purest souls I will ever know. I cannot cnvery the respect I have for her in what she accomplishes with what seems to me to be EVERYTHING working against her.
So, I tried to "pray" In my heart I searched out the spirit of this person and wished him peace, wished him calm and reflection and the ability to weight things out in the best way possible, considering all those who would be affected. And I searched out tthe spirits of those who care about him and hoped they might somehow spiritually surround and protect and bolster him. I reached for God, but could not help but think God is already aware.... I spent the whole night thinking of this person and of my character and who I am and who I want to be. In the morning I messaged my friend to see if she had heard anything about how he is and she has not. So I am still worried. but she also told me that was just a SLIVER of what is happening in her life now and I wish I could help more than I can. I do what I can do, but it is so comically little. And I have other friends with big needs and desires too, I have a friend in the hospital now who has no insurance and needs blood. her family is asking for donations. So far, I am the only person who has donated, and what? $10. I had $14.56 in the bank. she is going o need several THOUSAND dollars. She is younger than me. I have know her since she was a teenager. She is the caretaker for her uncle, my friend who is a paraplegic and has many many health issues. I am sure he would be dead by now if not for hr advocacy and the long term day to day care he requires.
Selfishly, I miss fun. I miss friends that just want to spend time doing goofy things. I need that. Or I feel I do. I don't know what to do.