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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I have a dog coming at 8:30 and then I work from 1-5 and I am so tired I was literally having trouble walking. I told myself to get up at 6:30 but it's 7. That's not something I really do. Hoping I might feel enough energy to eat something before Lily gets here. She's a bichon and she is such a sweet dog but someone shot her in the hip with buckshot and so she has pain and I try really hard to be careful with with her. Bichons are also probably my hardest breed to do well, so I angst. But Bichon angst is not why I am so tired. That was another night spent railing to the ether. The ghost kept me occupied all.fucking.night. It seemed to me that the ghost was considering whether it might be better to leave the tiny thread we have connecting us. An image came to my mind for myself in this stint- it's useable in a lot of ways- I called myself the zombie. I told the ghost to please himself as clearly I have been. and would be. haunted as I have been all these many years whether or not there is a tiny element of his present in my life or not. The ghost seemed concerned with healing, i asked the ghost if zombies "heal". Zombies are reduced creatures of insatiable, irrational appetite. Whereas in a previous LIFE they may have craved devouring mind, soul, experience the appetite now was of a grosser nature and are zombies ever "nourished"? The Ghost thought I might feel abandoned. That made me laugh. I felt abandoned when I WAS abandoned, though it felt more like discarded for newer interests without even polite notification of such a fact. The ghost did not want to break trust. I don't trust the ghost. The ghost is not wholly responsible for my lack of trust, which is pronounced but accounts for a significant portion of the condition. Trust is also something i do not see as healable. I reminded the ghost of an agreement we had and my belief that is was quite broken. Trust seems a funny issue for the ghost to bring up to me. This brought up the empathy that the ghost often seems to express. I saw that long before and I believed it then but now it seems to be a life focus. Where i wondered idly, did that come from? Anyway, it was a long, emotionally fraught night,, and it came down to Do Whatever You Want- I am a zombie. I will now try to collect myself into being a functional zombie

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