Bruce is meditating, and I am just listening to music right now. That and drifting in thoughts. I have a lot of school stuff to do. I thought I had a big paper due Saturday, but it's actually due the 11th. I still want to try to do it tomorrow though because I have so much else to do and I am working Saturday. (And Sunday I think I am going kayaking. Unless it's cold. And it has been surprisingly cold lately!)
I've been intensely and uncomfortably emotional lately and I don't know what the root of that is. Is it hormonal? Is it a mid life crisis? Maybe I am gonna die soon and something in me knows? Maybe it's just stress and anxiety over not knowing what career path to try. Frankly just the thought of a career path fills me with anxiety, so that could be it. It's been both pitiful, sort of funny and it makes me want to examine my life and personality very closely. Oh I have been whiny and cry-y. I hope that ends soon.
On the other hand, I talked recently with a friend and she told me something that didn't really hit me with full impact then but it is becoming more and more important to me. I don't want to write the details of it because i know I have a tendency to tell things as I explore my own life that other people might not appreciate me writing about. But the gist of what she told me is making me see that life is short, and death might be final and I just want to be nicer and more caring, more open and direct. But some of those things are hard for me. That idea of being nicer is the one that i am really thinking about right now. I am a pretty nice person but I can be selfish and this incident is impressing on me the importance of not seeing people as roles or symbols or functions but as people who (because i do have that belief in "reasons" have entered my life for some reason. I think about that too. Is that belief laughable? Might be. But while I have amended my idea about many beliefs and practices that particular belief that everything somehow matters has endured. So my goal is to try to be more receptive and listen more carefully to what others say to me and to respond from a better place than I have beem. We shall see if i can do this.