It's Finals time at school. I think I will get either an A or A- in most of my classes, but there's one I am currently at 65% in- that would be CIS, which I ardently hate. I've been ignoring work in it to concentrate on the other classes and I intended to go in today to see what, if anything I could do to salvage it. But I am sick. Many people at school are sick now and some, like my friend Rebecca who has PNEUMONIA, are lots sicker than me. This morning my illness was actually pleasant for awhile as it was giving me a heightened vulnerability to synesthesia, music was wonderful! But that wore off and devolved to just the phlegm-my cough (deep), the congestion, the exhaustion, and grumpiness....body aches and feverish sweats. I did go to Humanities but did not venture back out after coming home. I helped Rebecca who I feel protective of, in awe of, and great empathy for. But once she was caught up on the in-class assignment I went to bed. Slept awhile too. Bruce, coming in to meditate woke me up and that made the coughing start and I found myself smack in the realm of How It Feels. Again. Of all the things I know i know this is an irresolvable issue for me. It is never going to change and it's so painful and so draining. I just couldn't take it tonight so I got up, which made Bruce feel guilty I think., He got up and tried to get me to come back to bed, but I know that loop and it would hold me for hours, so, I got up and will try to study for the Humanities final on Friday. If that doesn't work I will  watch a movie. Before I try going back to bed tonight I will take Benedryl, which staved off a bout of this cycle the other night and let me get a little rest. I will drink water and think with anticipation of the poetry slam I intend to attend on May 9th after finals are OVER. I think I will come here, to this page more often because I have been in this How it Feels cycle for so long and so depressingly I don;t want to cry all over Facebook anymore. I do whine and I will do it here because only 1 person I know reads this and has the option not, to but writing is definitely a vent for me. Some people on Facebook  are close enough to me that they want to fix it, or they want me to explain and, just no. I think of this How it Feels cycle like the permanent infection Dude has. His body can wall it off for a time, but it always recurs and infections....well, they are nasty things you don't want to inflict on anyone else. So, this will be my cry space and sorry if you happen upon it.

 I am also thinking I may need to distance myself from issues I don't know how to change like politics. Man oh man! Reading Larry Schweikart again this semester really, truly upset me. I don't know how to address all the things I perceive as being wrong in the world. I think I do need to figure out some ways, but I am a little fish type person and feel my influence is more as Maude from Harold and Maude answers when Harold  asks her, "No more revolts?" She replies "Oh, yes! Every day. But I don't need a "defense"anymore. I embrace. Still fighting for the Big Issues, but now in my small, individual way." I need to get better at doing that, doing what i can do in my own small individual way and be thankful that I don't have children because the world the young are inheriting is fucked up due to power and greed.