Last night was another one of "those nights" and when I had to get up I was so exhausted and drained and angry and sad and all the other emotions those nights leave me with. And, as I always do I wonder why I do this over and over, I wonder what more can I learn. Well... I ate so I can't sleep and can't even lay down because it is too painful. I went to the bathroom thinking I might throw up but even that isn't ripe, I read part of an article i started the other day. If I manage some energy and remember I need to try to relate my thoughts to the article because it gave me a little clarity. The article was touching on "ethical traps" and I am in no way cogent enough right now to give that a just description. But reading this article and understanding that what I come back  to again and again was for me the most deep and true experience I will ever have in this life (which is sad, but I believe it is also true) anyway I had so many thoughts all at once and for a minute this thing which feels like inescapable mental illness and negativity actually felt like iit had some relevance. Not like a healing thing or like I would ever get past it but I did have a glimmer of understanding as to why it occurs. I still don't think it is resolve-able, but i did at least get some useful ideas for the shell of my remaining life. I still don't understand why mylife continued after that experience. I can't think o any pressing reason why it should have but here I am and maybe there is sense or maybe I am just using more than a "fair" share of this interconnected planet's resources. The older i get the less I know but as it happen sometimes I don;t feel quite as stupid if that makes any sense. This is mish mosh. I don;t know f i can clarify at some later date. I hope to. But that idea of ethical traps is very important to me