Another whiny post. Up to give Bruce some meditation time. Been sick all day, both ends and feeling crappy in between. Bruce is worried. I am worried. No insurance though and I work one day a week. Utah does not think such as I should have medicaid. I do intend t get some bloodwork done, at least to find out what the hand/ joint pain is. I hear there's a test that can detect if it is RA which is my first thought. Bruce wants me to check into the stomach issues too, I throw up so much and so deeply. Twice today he asked if there was blood. Don't think so. I hardly ate today and still. Anyway, it wore me out and really impeded my day as you might expect.

On the good side, Bruce bought the whole DVD set of Harry Potter and we watched the first one this morning. I enjoyed it very much, but boy were they young! I enjoyed being immersed in an imaginative world with Bruce, who is very sweet, good natured and funny and the dogs all around. That was the best part of the day. Then I got up and he went to bed. I puttered on the computer awhile and shortly before noon I heard a small plane overhead. I was actually looking around the room wondering what it would be like if it crashed. I thought that was very paranoid. It sounded strange to me and we don't get a lot of planes overhead here. To my shock later today I learned a small plane did crash in Santa Clara, in a field and 2 people were killed. That had to be the plane. I haven't checked for the updated story yet, the one I had was preliminary but how awful. I read someone saw the wreckage right after an tried to approach the plane, couldn't get close, was calling out but no reply. Later they found the bodies. I hope it was quick and as painless as possible.

I had an appointment with an adviser at school at 3. I am looking for advice about direction I might go in since i don't think I can physically do nursing. That's bad, because it was a concrete, doable goal and I have never ever ever been career oriented so i was happy to be doing pretty well in that course until, the hand and joint pain started. The adviser was helpful. She suggested i not drop it as a goal just yet. I do intend to find out if it is RA this summer and will talk to nursing people to find out if there is something in the field I can do that is not very physical. I really can't open things anymore so it is pretty serious. Pain varies in intensity but the thumbs are always involved.I learned that I am just two classes away from an Associate of Science degree, an art appreciation class and a 1 credit biology class. Now if I take biology which could only be a good thing to know something about I'd likely take the 3 credit class. A friend wanted me to take phlebotomy with her in the Fall, for me it would be a re-take and lots of needles, but there was a bloodwork option last time (my blood did well then) and it would not hurt to brush up. But all those needles!And how will my hands deal?  I intend to try to learn chemistry better over the summer and I would need to renew my CNA certificate, which would mean re-testing since i wasn't employed as a CNA. That could be summer stuff too. I looked into the possibility of summer school but there is no grant money left. I'll have to wait till Fall. So I need to decide what to take this Fall. English and Communications is an option too. I need to do some research. You only need a BA to teach through high school here. I am not sure how I would do as a teacher. But i need to figure something out. Soon. I also took aptitude, or should I say inclination tests today. They told me that personality wise i am INFP Introverted, Intuition, Feeling and Perceiving but i knew that. It also told me I am ASI Artistic, Social, Investigative as another form of typing. All told, I don't want to do "normal work" I can get feedback Monday so I will. I also asked about a Speech Pathology course of study, there is none here. (It came up as a high recommendation years ago for me) and I also asked about Environmental Science. That is in development for a degree, but the adviser said development could take a long time. And I would need more math, chemistry and I would need physics. I am drawn to Environmental Science but i don;t think i am THAT drawn. Not with my current energy level anyway.

I really need to do juicing this summer. It's expensive and i haven't been able to afford it so far, but I need to do something about health or just curl up and die. Which, unfortunately I suppose does not seem all that tragic to me either. I have that streak. A friend told me just tonight a friend of her brother's committed suicide today. he was in his mid 20's. She doesn't know why, but she has gone through a spate of deaths, several suicides just recently. I don't at all mean to be callous. I can understand a feeling of not wanting to live though. The world can be an unfriendly place and if you don;t have much connecting you, it is something I would consider if i were in unabating pain with no bright spots. I have an equanimity about death but I am not suicidal myself. If I were, I would be dead.

Ok...cheerier thoughts. Tomorrow I am going to see a friend I haven't seen in awhile. I am looking forward to that. Friday there is a big poetry slam and i am gong to that. Saturday I traded hours at a co-workers request so I will be working till 9 pm. Sunday, I will try to call my mom. Sent her  card, but will try for live contact. Monday, school feedback and hopefully will start the chemistry study. need to get my CNA books back too. That's about it for now.