Still sick and not happy about that, but this illness has a flavor of obsequiousness about it. That was the word that popped to mind and I looked and sure enough passive obedience pretty much describes it. The is a large padding of passivity and almost drugged non feeling (not taking any drugs, took 2 separate shots of Nyquil the whole time so far) then a teeny tiny red dot of my will deep in the middle. It's strange and almost enjoyable to observe but it is a waste of time. and, I am cutting into Bruce's meditation time because all I want to do is sleep. Well, not quite true- last night I had an urge to go drive out where there were not any people to hear and just scream and scream. I imagined this quite vividly, could feel my throat and knew i wouldn't be screaming long. the amused observer part of me asked, "And this would?" I shot back that I am so tired of this phase (I call it a phase but it's more like a flare up of a chronic illness) of the This is How it Feel thing. The observer coolly asked if I thugh all that drama would do any good? Would anything be communicated to anyone or would I just have a sore throat and a momentary feeling of catharsis? I don't know! Anyway, that went on awhile and I didn't drive anywhere.
So, the Oregon internship. I read it over and the intern must be able to carry heavy equipment.... launch boats. I might could launch a boat but no to the heavy equipment. Sad. would have been an interesting 8 weeks. School is over for the semester, I got all nice solid A's except in CIS where I got a flat B and History which is yet undetermined. I had a 94% in History but wrote 2 100 point essays while sick and that is not good. Hoping it wasn't as BAD as I think it was. I am going to try to speak with a counselor about direction tomorrow.
What else? Oh! I have a friend who gets subsidized housing and they do inspections of her apartment. She is already overloaded and has 4 kids living with her who are not much help and I feel extremely guilty that I have not hauled my non-housecleaning ass over there to help her. The idea makes my head spin though. I wish I could hire someone professionally for her. This summer I intend to clean HERE. She needs help but the inspection is tomorrow and I am still too sick to think I'd be any help at all.