• Yesterday started out very good for me and I enjoyed that thoroughly. Had my home teachers over. I do better to think of them as neighbors who I really like. I feel increasingly like I should state and clarify my position about the church, because while some parts are integral (I think) to who I am I do not consider myself to be a member. But I don't want to be negative or seem like I think my way is a better way. So, so far i have not. It got a bit iffy as we were talking about what is generally acceptable today and the chasm between that and church teachings. I am  firmly on a side there that I believe my friends probably are not. We talked about media some and I told them we no longer have tv service though we do subscribe to Netflix. I don't trust media and Bruce does not like the negative flow.Overall I would say we both are looking to be more experiential and less cogs in the big machine.  After they left i was swept by some feelings I did not want to have. I tried to refocus by listening to a book about what happens with souls after death. I cannot help but but believe we do go on. My nature shifts to that whenever i question it. On the other hand I believe I am damaged in this life and have an intense fear the damage is permanent. But maybe that is just my lesson. last night I asked for healing, for understanding, for purification of myself to be good and do good and for more willingness to effect changes. even simple changes that I feel are clear and crucial like eating quality food are not so easy for me. But I need to progress in directions like that. I need to be more open and I want to be as loving as I (dimly) remember being. I stayed up till I was very very tired last night, then with the aim of looking for that healing I went to bed. I thought I might have one encounter, but no....what I had instead was a series of scenes of my father at his worst. That was pretty terrible. At the end though I remembered the love I used to have for him and I know that the way he expressed himself in my life and in the lives of my family and others was not the totality. The love I had for him was based on very good things. So, at the end, with atrocities in my head I still had a wish for healing and a better potential for him in my heart. I must have fallen asleep soon after that, and I dreamed a long and bad dream about working at a place I used to work again. And I had apparently killed all my dogs and horses and maybe even some friends in an accidental explosion caused by bringing a big gas can perhaps a 6th full into the house. It wasn't near any combustion source that I was aware of but it exploded and beings I loved died. I don;t think I was physically hurt. After a time I was reemployed at this old workplace which was now huge and sort of tropical and not just concrete and bars. I was sort of like a pity hire I think but right off the bat people Ii didn't even know really disliked me and judged my work to be bad. I rmember first being mad about this and then I just decided that though it was the only job I could think of getting I had to quit because the situation was so negative for myself and for others. It was a long dream but that was the gist of it. I am wondering how this relates to my wish for healing, or if it does and I am trying to keep my mind open and positive for healing choices.