About Me

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I am mundane and magical, Silly and serious. I am an underachiever who suspects that someday in the eternities I may yet blossom and even fruit. I am a collector of spirits and essences, a studier of mood and nuance.I have many many faults and yet I've always been loved. I am a good friend, but I will let you go if you so desire. I believe in Somewhen. I laugh easily and cannot often cry, which I know is a Flaw. Like You, I am a work in progess.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

This is hard for me to write about. It keeps skittering around in my mind then when I try to focus I get so wound up I can't form cogent thoughts. I could have easily killed someone on Friday. It started out as a day I knew would be stressful. I had a psychology test and a statistics test to take. I was pretty confident about the psychology test, though not sure I would get an A, but the statistics test....no. Not prepared. We are allowed technology in the class but the instructor at the beginner said we'd be fine with a calculator that cost about $10. I bought one that was about $18 and said statistics and hoped it would do. It didn't. I have a TI89 but that has to be programmed for statistical functions and that is beyond me, especially with the class running and me getting further and further behind. I do not feel the instructor explains terms well. For me, anything to do with math is a foreign language and it is not going to just sink in effortlessly. He tends to say, this is mu, point to the symbol and think we've got it. Well I don't get it! The actual math part of statistics is pretty easy, but the concepts and the vocabulary and identifying which formula to use are not so easy. We're allowed excel too, but I am not conversant with it. Trying to learn. Anyway, to shorten this some, all these deficits of mine were on my mind and so was the realization that I had not been able to do some of the homework because i couldn't figure out how to work the calculator or excel to do it and I was unsuccessful doing it by hand. I figured I had long stressful hours ahead of me.
I was invited to go walking and accepted the invitation just when a fellow psychology student messaged that he would be interested in studying. He was planning on being at the library building at 10. I texted my walking friend to see if we could go at 8:45 instead of 9 and she said sure, but when she wasn't there by 5 till I cancelled and just ate breakfast and prepared to go to the library. I took my psychology books and my math books and the newest (FOURTH) calculator that I have, planning to study statistics after i took the psychology test. The statistics class closed at 10 so I was literally fretting the hours at 10 in the morning!
Only Joshua and I showed up for the study group which amazed me because a LOT of people failed the first exam and my 92 was the high score on that test. I even posted my own completed study guide in a class discussion, referenced with page numbers where I found what I thought were the answers and an invitation to study. I thought there might be a good number of takers. But nope. Just me and Joshua. He wanted to wait for a few minutes to see if anyone else came and I was chomping at the bit to get started, but we waited a little. still no one else. We found a study room and he posted to the class where we were in case anyone else decided to come but no one else did. We were there I'd guess for about two and a half hours before we felt like we were as prepared as we were going to be for the test. Joshua's car was elsewhere on campus so since we were both planning to take the test right then I offered to drive. The testing center is close to the campus, Joshua thinks about 4 blocks. I could have turned in and gone the back way and I wish I had. But no, I decided to go in nearest the doors. The left turn was too hectic though, to make INTO the center. People were driving fast and all over. I decided it would be safer to turn left. I thought there was an inlet on that street which had far less traffic. There wasn't an inlet so I saw I needed to turn around. I checked the streets, Nothing coming from behind, the cross streets seemed clear, a white pickup going the opposite way. The turning radius on the Buick is not that good to when the truck cleared I turned right and then into the intersection, a very wide u-turn. Well, I thought it was clear. At the last possible second I saw there was a motorcycle that was coming from behind me. For an instant I thought he would be clear. But no. I felt the impact as he hit my car. We leapt out and he was on the ground. I had the most horrible fear. He was dazed but got up fairly quickly. I was so grateful he was wearing his helmet and all I could think was that I could have killed him. I never saw him till it was too late. My phone was in my trunk (I don;t take it into the testing center) so a witness called the police. The guy (58 years old) only seemed to have a scratch on his arm, I couldn't believe nothing worse than that. I begged him to go to the hospital in case he were injured in a way we couldn't see but he wouldn't. It took a long time for the police to get there. The dispatcher had asked if he wanted an ambulance and he declined. We couldn't move his Harley (big big Harley) to the side of the road, something was bent and it wouldn't move forward. I was flashing to seeing Bruce riding his bike, seeing others i know and love on bikes or scooters ...always thinking how much WORSE this could have been. I think of myself as a safe driver. i wear seatbelts. I haven't had a ticket since I have lived here and for years before that. I have a driver's license and insurance. (I kept thinking about my anger, still pretty hot about the meth lady who hit me and broke my wrist who had none of those things.) Still...I wished I could be on the other side of this accident. The knowledge that i had harmed a person with a car was HUGE in my mind. Joshua stayed for a long time, even though i told him he should go take his test. After it was all over, in shock, I went and took the test too. I noticed Joshua was still there.I went through it so fast i have no idea how I did, but I finished before Joshua then waited for him. He didn't want a ride back to the school (gee, I wonder why) but I went and tried to study for statistics. So many things, some that might seem unrelated kept passing through my mind. I even wondered if i was monstrous for being there studying as I had originally planned but couldn't think of anything more sensible to do. I got some stuff somewhat understood and the library closed at 6. I tried studying in my car as it was getting dark but that was difficult. I finally decided, Fuck it! I'm just going to go take the test. So I did. That test is on the computer. I learned right away I got 95%. Highest score for me on a math test. Like...ever. Couldn't really enjoy it though. And more thoughts and prayers when I got home. I went to bed really early. A friend suggested I try to fight the ticket. I am NOT planning to fight an improper u turn ticket!!! I could have KILLED a person. Yesterday I saw where a cyclist in St George was injured and life flighted. Today there was a story of an motorcyclist being injured on St George Blvd and having to be hospitalized.. I am so grateful this accident didn't go that way. But I am so aware of how hard it is to see these vehicles. If they are in front of me i give them a very long distance. But this one was behind me. When I got him Bruce told me that what I had done was the leading cause of death for motorcyclists. There but for the grace of God...

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